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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Utterly, utterly, heartbroken

1000 replies

colouringindoors · 07/01/2022 16:22

I know I'm not the first and won't be the last. It's nothing new.

But I honestly don't know how I can bear this Sad

This morning my relationship ended. We'd only been "together" for six months, friends for 3 years, I've "liked" him for over 3 years. It has been wonderful. I could talk about anything and everything with him. He made me laugh, he's kind, we had lots in common and omg the chemistry was incredible. I really thought he was the person I'd spend the rest of my life with.

This came after separating from my husband of 20+ years 4 years ago and a huge amount of trauma due to ex's severe mental illness, ds severely ill, dd diagnosed ASD. The last 10 years have been horrendous apart from meeting new man, getting to know him and becoming involved with him.

I feel worse than I did when I separated from my husband. I've been unable to stop crying all day. I literally don't know what to do with myself.

How do I bear this?!

OP posts:
Thisisworsethananticpated · 07/03/2022 19:21

colouringindoors
Ahhh Flowers
That’s so good to hear
Really xxx

RoyKentsChestHair · 07/03/2022 19:44

Colouring that’s great to hear, glad things are starting to get easier. And milkandhoneyy I’m sorry to hear you’re just at the beginning of this hideous journey, but you will get through it, is like the Bear Hunt - you can’t go over it, you can’t go under it, you just have to go through it. Flowers

milkandhoneyy · 07/03/2022 19:55

@RoyKentsChestHair thanks for your kind words. It's brutal.

Original poster
colouringindoors · 07/03/2022 21:44

Brutal is the right word. Just hang on Flowers

Well I've just explored Facebook dating.
Oh
My
God
😅😱

OP posts:
RoyKentsChestHair · 07/03/2022 23:24

I was tempted to have a look on FB dating but was worried it would show up on my profile. What’s it like?!

Original poster
colouringindoors · 08/03/2022 08:23

Well I've never done OLD so I'm not sure how it compares! I'm doing a LOT of swiping left! There are a few ok seeming/looking guys but two I've swiped right seem incapable of a conversation! One has just told me all the diy he's working on, the other replies to questions with a 3-4 word sentence. Another got annoyed cos I wouldn't give him my mobile number... Tbh I suspect I'm not great at the initial chatting stage or even making contact - I have little idea of what to say to start a conversation off! Tbh by the end of last night I was feeling fed up with it and less cheerful so I suspect the timing's not right for me.

OP posts:
milkandhoneyy · 08/03/2022 13:52

It's been a while but generally the apps are MUCH better than Facebook dating! It's baaad. But yeah maybe it's still a little soon for that. It's a great sign that you felt up to having a look though!

Homebaby · 08/03/2022 14:18

I met my narc ex on fb dating, says it all really.

underum · 08/03/2022 16:40

OLD won't work for you, OP. At this stage you'll just be comparing them to him all the time. Give it more time is my advice.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 08/03/2022 16:57

I don’t know
It’s been 8 weeks now
The main question is if op is robust enough for old…. Maybe not ?
And open to something more casual to get her on a new horse , as yeah for anything serious might be a bad idea
But for some casual fun ? Yes 🙌

I really like hinge as an app
Best optics and less crazy than tinder

Original poster
colouringindoors · 08/03/2022 20:15

I think it's too soon

OP posts:
milkandhoneyy · 10/03/2022 09:45

Day 4 into break-up and I keep checking my phone for a message from him, but nothing. Keep waking up regularly throughout the night doing the same thing as well. Killing me not knowing what he is thinking or doing. Do they think about us as much as we do them when this happens?! Would help to think he is also feeling as rotten. Doubt it though Sad

Original poster
colouringindoors · 10/03/2022 11:44

Oh milkandhoney it's brutal at that stage. I was just the same. I suspect most don't think about ex as much as we do but who knows for sure. I've often hoped mine was as miserable as me too. I used to see mine Thursday's so it's never a good day. Hang in there. Somewhere on the thread is a good TED talk about The List - I found that helps. Take care.

OP posts:
ValerieCupcake · 10/03/2022 11:49

@colouringindoors

Oh milkandhoney it's brutal at that stage. I was just the same. I suspect most don't think about ex as much as we do but who knows for sure. I've often hoped mine was as miserable as me too. I used to see mine Thursday's so it's never a good day. Hang in there. Somewhere on the thread is a good TED talk about The List - I found that helps. Take care.
You need a new Thursday routine. Have you switched your Thursday plans to have something absorbing to do?
Itsmewithanewname · 10/03/2022 16:05

I'm glad, in a way, that it's not just me.. sorry to all those suffering. I am trying hard not to message. He dumped me so brutally, totally unexpected, yet wants to be friends. We've exchanged a few messages.

Is anyone familiar with narcissistic discard? I'm thinking (overthinking) and as much as I know I should just forget about him, I'm taking the opportunity to review the relationship and I think he was definitely love bombing in early days.. cards, gifts, flowers and said he loved me very quickly. Reading up on narcissistic behaviour is helping me to start to understand where he might have been coming from. He seemed to change overnight and I can think of a couple of things, involving me standing up for myself, which might have caused him to see me differently, rather than being the answer to all his dreams I was making demands of him.

milkandhoneyy · 10/03/2022 16:22

@Itsmewithanewname Yep! This is what happened to me. Everything was perfect, he was the absolute dream, all happened quickly. Then the next day, nothing. Queue neediness and confusion from me and it eventually went to the point of no return. Once the narc has used you they discard you with no remorse and will look for another source pretty quickly. Once you have fallen in love with them and they have completely broken you down, you can no longer fuel their ego and are of no use to them.
So horrible. Hope you're ok Thanks

Thisisworsethananticpated · 10/03/2022 20:55

milkandhoneyy

Sending a million FlowersCake
I’m sorry
I’m also encouraged that you can see in parallel that he love bombed ya
Which isn’t super healthy
But we love and learn hey

Homebaby · 10/03/2022 22:26

@Itsmewithanewname unfortunately I am familiar with narcissist discard. In hindsight the clues were all there, I was the woman of his dreams, asked me to move in within a month (I didn't) gave me gifts, flattered me all over social media and so on. I thought I was over thinking when I questioned him withdrawing and nit picking at me. Told me I couldn't take a joke when he put me down in front of his family. Then I clocked on, I'm one to happily laugh at my own shortcomings so I knew there was something wrong when I didn't find his jibes funny. As I was to find out he was the most textbook narcissist you could ever meet. In reality when the mask completely slipped he was a miserable, sullen, jealous, self pitying shell of a man desperate for control. I ended it and in typical narc fashion he tried to play games to keep me around even resorting to using the miscarriage of our baby to keep in touch. It messed with me hugely and I'm now having counselling. They're not normal people, they're dangerous and evil. He likely did change because you questioned him or asked something of him. My advice is to read everything you can about the condition, look at you tube videos, knowledge is power. And do not let him back in, they really don't change and the longer you spend with them the more damage they will do. Stay strong and look after yourself

Itsmewithanewname · 11/03/2022 02:56

Thanks @Homebaby for sharing. I had never considered my ex narcissistic until after he discarded me, totally out of the blue.

I am so much better off without him in so many ways. We'd recently put in an offer on a house that needed total renovation, which we didn't get, and he said (in the course of discarding me) that me saying that I wanted to do a project with him made me sound needy and wanting to trap him. When we were going for the house I did most of the legwork and research. We hadn't fully discussed it but he seemed surprised that I wanted my name on the deeds.. like I would risk putting all my savings into a house with only his name on it ?! I also own my place outright, whereas he is renting with his two adult children, he wants to buy a property but can't afford it in this area. It's a sad situation for him but he'd always known that he could move in with me once his DDs were settled. His DDs have some issues from the divorce, and not much contact with their mum.

I'm really trying to force myself to see his bad points. I really think I was just in love with the idea of him.. and that thought may help me get through the days.

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 11/03/2022 08:10

[quote milkandhoneyy]@Itsmewithanewname Yep! This is what happened to me. Everything was perfect, he was the absolute dream, all happened quickly. Then the next day, nothing. Queue neediness and confusion from me and it eventually went to the point of no return. Once the narc has used you they discard you with no remorse and will look for another source pretty quickly. Once you have fallen in love with them and they have completely broken you down, you can no longer fuel their ego and are of no use to them.
So horrible. Hope you're ok Thanks[/quote]
Do you think this is a deliberate cunning plan or they act on instinct?

milkandhoneyy · 11/03/2022 21:30

From the research and limited experience I have, I don't think it's premeditated. I don't think they can help it. They need serious help!

milkandhoneyy · 12/03/2022 10:23

The ex has messaged me "hey" at 2am. Was asleep at the time and saw it this morning. Weird.
Am I supposed to respond? Say hi back? Confused that he messaged at that time.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 12/03/2022 16:30

Insomnia and horn
Wondering if you also have insomnia and horn
Ideally you don’t reply
But your a human being and will want to xxx

diplop · 12/03/2022 16:32

@milkandhoneyy

The ex has messaged me "hey" at 2am. Was asleep at the time and saw it this morning. Weird. Am I supposed to respond? Say hi back? Confused that he messaged at that time.
I'd wonder if was someone else using his phone. Unless he has a history of insomnia?
ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 12/03/2022 20:29

@milkandhoneyy

The ex has messaged me "hey" at 2am. Was asleep at the time and saw it this morning. Weird. Am I supposed to respond? Say hi back? Confused that he messaged at that time.
That's so pointless and childish.
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