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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Utterly, utterly, heartbroken

1000 replies

colouringindoors · 07/01/2022 16:22

I know I'm not the first and won't be the last. It's nothing new.

But I honestly don't know how I can bear this Sad

This morning my relationship ended. We'd only been "together" for six months, friends for 3 years, I've "liked" him for over 3 years. It has been wonderful. I could talk about anything and everything with him. He made me laugh, he's kind, we had lots in common and omg the chemistry was incredible. I really thought he was the person I'd spend the rest of my life with.

This came after separating from my husband of 20+ years 4 years ago and a huge amount of trauma due to ex's severe mental illness, ds severely ill, dd diagnosed ASD. The last 10 years have been horrendous apart from meeting new man, getting to know him and becoming involved with him.

I feel worse than I did when I separated from my husband. I've been unable to stop crying all day. I literally don't know what to do with myself.

How do I bear this?!

OP posts:
Original poster
colouringindoors · 07/01/2022 21:08

AgathaMystery thank you. the 3s make sense. Praying tomorrow is a bit better than today.

OP posts:
Original poster
colouringindoors · 07/01/2022 21:10

ThanksIGotItInMorrisons thank you x i feel a bit calmer for a massive sob on neighbour and talk.

OP posts:
Original poster
colouringindoors · 07/01/2022 21:12

Nightday it really is the worst heartache.

OP posts:
Garysmum · 07/01/2022 22:10

I am really sorry.

Pain and grief from the loss of relationship/ grieving for a lost future can knock us for six.
I felt more instant grief when my cat was run over unexpectedly than when my mum dad (something processed over a longer time).

Sending you hugs and thinking of you. I am really sorry and I wish you find some peace and healing soon.

Gettingonwithit12 · 07/01/2022 22:19

@Mabelface

You'll not just be grieving for this relationship, it'll be all the feelings from your previous one too, which is why you feel so devastated. It will get better, one day, one hour at a time. Look after yourself. X
This was very true for me and i think it is why it feels so so devastating. I’m so sorry you are going through this OP, keep posting on here if it helps and just try to take things one day at a time Flowers
IamGusFring · 07/01/2022 22:20

I have been there - the first relationship after my H and I divorced after a very long marriage . I had hope and optimism but it all went tits up . It felt worse than my divorce but in reality it was just the " add on " effect . I will say it nearly broke me . I had a panic attack and it took me several months to recover along with meds and other strategies - some counselling and some mindfulness . It was a build up of the divorce then that . Im happy to say that a few years down the line now I am happily remarried. Look after yourself - self refer for counselling if you can . It will get better . Be strong .

IamGusFring · 07/01/2022 22:21

The positive thing is it shows you can live and love again even after what you have been through . You have not lost that capacity and that is a huge thing .

OliveToboogie · 07/01/2022 22:22

So sorry it is very painful. Time is a healer but it does make us wait. Sometimes surviving a minute at a time is all we can manage. Be kind to yourself xx

Original poster
colouringindoors · 07/01/2022 22:24

Thank you so much. I really appreciate it.

OP posts:
Original poster
colouringindoors · 07/01/2022 23:09

Going to bed now. Please God I sleep.

OP posts:
Humphs27 · 08/01/2022 03:42

You sound like a lovely person OP . You deserve good things ! Don’t let the b@stards get you down. (I wish I would have listened to that a few weeks ago) ! I was a mess.

Windywuss · 08/01/2022 08:46

Did you sleep @colouringindoors? Thinking of you.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 08/01/2022 09:14

I hear you
Do you think that given al the other issues (I’ve had very similar with ex , kids mental health) you put all your emotional eggs into this chaps basket? I’d totally understand if you did as he was a source of happiness and joy

It’s very very sad
And I’d this is his decision for your own sanity you must go cold Turkey as being friend will totally mess you up mentally

Your broken heart will heal in time
When this happens it’s worth looking at the rest of your life , where and what else could make you happy

I’m so sorry though , it’s a horrible sad feeling

Original poster
colouringindoors · 08/01/2022 09:44

Thisisworsethananticpated yes he has really been my only source of pleasure and happiness over the last 3 years

windywuss i did sleep thanks tho woke quite lot and dreamt of him most of the night. Now I'm up I'm sobbing again. My eyes are wrecked.

humps27 thank you x. I had really thought that after all the shit I've had to deal with over the last decade, that I finally might be getting a happy ending. Stupid.

OP posts:
Original poster
colouringindoors · 08/01/2022 09:45

Yeah I've gone NC.

OP posts:
Windywuss · 08/01/2022 10:23

Get a cold cloth on your eyes to reduce swelling.

Are your children at home today? It's horrible weather here, can you keep busy watching some films or playing games or cooking or something?

If you are in your own then ring your friends. Mine were so kind listening to me. I was on a loop just needing to get it out and talk about it.

And don't forget...watch some big dumb films! One day at a time or an hour or two....I know it's not Mumsnetty but big hugs for you xx

Windywuss · 08/01/2022 10:26

And you're not in the least but stupid. It's not stupid to risk loving someone again after a marriage breaks down or believing that it will work. It's brave and hopeful and human. You've done nothing wrong. It just hurts like hell, I know CakeFlowers

Tulipsandviolets · 08/01/2022 10:27

It sucks it's hideous..it will get better..think of him on the toilet or when he farted you'll soon go off him lol xxFlowers

CheshireSplat · 08/01/2022 10:35

When my heart was broken it did really help me to wallow in it for a while. I played the songs that made me upset and let myself grieve. I had read that it takes half the time of the relationship to recover. Whether that was true or not, it helped me be gentle with myself. Don't expect yourself to recover too fast, you have the right to be upset.

You will find joy in things again. As a PP said the fact that you have the capacity to love after all you have been through is great.

Be kind to yourself and don't expect too much.

rocky1914 · 08/01/2022 10:36

Oh this is awful, I feel for you OP 😔

The best advice I can give you is this. If he claims he is still not over his ex, after 3 years, he was never over her, including during the time you were together. This is a huge red flag.

I actually see this man circling and coming straight back to you, claiming that he's finally closed that chapter and that he's ready to move forward with you.

It always goes like this.

Don't fall for it please, OP.

Not saying he is a bad guy by any means, he's probably a wonderful man, but you need to place yourself above him now. You deserve better. You deserve a man who is 100% available and completely on the same page as you. Half-hearted won't do. Dipping his toes in the water but refusing to dive in? Not for you.

Chin up. It gets easier, I promise. Sounds cheesy but, time really is a healer.

You've got this. Sending love and virtual hugs Thanks

Original poster
colouringindoors · 08/01/2022 10:37

I have my kids til 4. we're going round to a friends shortly and i hope when they see how bad i am we can stay til 4

OP posts:
Monzeitia · 08/01/2022 10:46

This happened to me years ago,I meet someone after my married broke down, at that time I thought he was the best thing it happened to me, when he broke up with me I could not cope, the thought of not having the future I saw us having together nearly killed me, I grieved for months, crying everyday at home, at work, when out and about, year after I meet my current partner and guess what, looking back I could see he was not the wonderful man I thought he was, red flags everywhere and I’m glad he broke up with me otherwise I wouldn’t have meet my current partner who truly love me and treats me so well, take it day by day, I promise you it will get better

Bangheadhere40 · 08/01/2022 11:14

Sorry you're going through this.

From my own experience ( and others from reading) the first relationship after an abusive relationship ending is the worst.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 08/01/2022 11:49

Thisisworsethananticpated yes he has really been my only source of pleasure and happiness over the last 3 years

I get that . I had a horrible split and my son also has major mental health issues

I’m also fell hard for someone but as he was very distant at times I managed to write a diary and try and wean myself off him

Sweetheart not today , but you must try and get some happiness and respite that isn’t a man
Self care is the mantra for anyone with a mentally ill child
It’s the law !
For me it’s seeing friends , connecting with other parents of mentally ill kids , keeping a journal , being kind to myself , looking after my wellness and appearance

But I think longer run it would help to find joy from a source other than a 🍆
I adore men but relationships are never guaranteed
Also get some nytol one a night to make
You sleep xxxx

scorpiogirly · 08/01/2022 12:19

It's been over 24 hours already. Soon it will be 48. The days will soon add up and you'll start to feel better. One day at a time x

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