Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Utterly, utterly, heartbroken

1000 replies

colouringindoors · 07/01/2022 16:22

I know I'm not the first and won't be the last. It's nothing new.

But I honestly don't know how I can bear this Sad

This morning my relationship ended. We'd only been "together" for six months, friends for 3 years, I've "liked" him for over 3 years. It has been wonderful. I could talk about anything and everything with him. He made me laugh, he's kind, we had lots in common and omg the chemistry was incredible. I really thought he was the person I'd spend the rest of my life with.

This came after separating from my husband of 20+ years 4 years ago and a huge amount of trauma due to ex's severe mental illness, ds severely ill, dd diagnosed ASD. The last 10 years have been horrendous apart from meeting new man, getting to know him and becoming involved with him.

I feel worse than I did when I separated from my husband. I've been unable to stop crying all day. I literally don't know what to do with myself.

How do I bear this?!

OP posts:
Original poster
colouringindoors · 09/01/2022 09:25

A little part of my brain is still saying maybe he'll change his mind. And it won't shut up. He's not going to. And i keep telling myslef he's not coming back hes not coming back

OP posts:
Original poster
colouringindoors · 09/01/2022 09:26

thanks littlewins ive survived a lot of horrific things but this pain is like nothine else

OP posts:
Windywuss · 09/01/2022 09:37

You don't know what will happen in future. But what he does or doesn't do is not in your control.

You need to focus in yourself. Talk to your friends and keep busy as much as possible. Do something physical if you can. Walks or swimming or yoga (I found this quite good).

I also read a lot of stuff. Can't quite remember what just now but I love the School of Life stuff from their website or YouTube.

What are you doing today ? Daffodil

Original poster
colouringindoors · 09/01/2022 09:52

thank you x I let myself into my neighbours and have finally managed to stop crying. Its so so hard in my house. i see him in all the room, his lovely smiley face, kissing....

I am meeting a good friend at 12 for a walk. so i will probably sit here for another hour or so. I'm on my second mug 9f tea and have managed to eat a kitkat.

i find it hard to accept that being so happy with someone and feeling so much for them ends up like this with no future.

i know its only day 3. i don't really feel any different from friday.

OP posts:
Windywuss · 09/01/2022 09:57

I know. It's grief. It's a process. I felt the same in my house. Gradually it gets better. I'm glad you sound like you are taking care of yourself.

Do you want some distraction? Today's wordle is a nightmare if you like that kind of thing Wink www.powerlanguage.co.uk/wordle/

Original poster
colouringindoors · 09/01/2022 10:00

@christmaspudding12 how are you doing today?

OP posts:
GastroNuisance · 09/01/2022 10:09

When I was in the depths of despair after a break up I had to take it hour by hour. It helped that I had children so I still had to function but god the grief. It was a physical pain. So sorry you're going through this. It will get better.

BonneMaman15 · 09/01/2022 10:20

I read somewhere that your first relationship after the ending of a long marriage is the more intense for a number of reasons. I remember the pain after mine ended and I feel stupid to say it was only 3 months, hardly a relationship, but it affected me more than the ending of my marriage. The good news is, you will recover faster from this heartbreak. For now, just take try to survive for 1 hour at a time and eventually you'll notice you that it's been a week, a month and you feel better. 🤗

CamsPaisleyCuffs · 09/01/2022 10:26

I ended a year long relationship (one of my first after my long marriage ended). It was utterly heartbreaking even though I knew it was the right thing to do. Couldn't eat/constantly crying, it really did feel like a bereavement, I just didn't know what to do with myself. I downloaded the book "It's called a breakup because it's broken" and it really helped me (even if to just distract me for a few hours). I actually met my now DP a few months later and I couldn't be happier. Something had to end for something more amazing to come into my life, though when I ended things with the ex I thought I couldn't possibly feel the same way about anyone else again, but I did. And much more. Flowers

SunflowerTed · 09/01/2022 10:32

The fact you are meeting a good friend for a walk is positive. Be strong you can get through this. Baby steps - make plans. It does get easier I promise xx

GastroNuisance · 09/01/2022 10:53

Oh yes "it's called a breakup because it's broken" excellent book!

UserBot989 · 09/01/2022 11:00

I think the most painful breakups are when you're still 'new'
It's all so intense. It's like a withdrawal when it ends.
When you've been with somebody for years, you're more able to tell yourself, well, he did drink more than is ideal, he takes me for granted now, or... whatever. When a relationship ends in this new stage, there's so much pain. Jmo.

When people separate after decades I think the main trauma is disentangling their interwoven lives and finances, and telling people it's over.

Original poster
colouringindoors · 09/01/2022 16:32

I ended a year long relationship (one of my first after my long marriage ended). It was utterly heartbreaking even though I knew it was the right thing to do. Couldn't eat/constantly crying, it really did feel like a bereavement, I just didn't know what to do with myself. I downloaded the book "It's called a breakup because it's broken" and it really helped me (even if to just distract me for a few hours). I actually met my now DP a few months later and I couldn't be happier. Something had to end for something more amazing to come into my life, though when I ended things with the ex I thought I couldn't possibly feel the same way about anyone else again, but I did. And much more.

Thanks so much for sharing this and I'm so pleased to hear about your DP.

It was good to get out and I had a couple of hours without crying! Still feel so, so sick though.

Being in my home is the hardest part. I have to get in to work tomorrow so I am thinking about taking me and the kids to a good friend's this evening and sleeping over in the hope that I might not wake sobbing at 4 like i have the last two mornings. I have walked a lot today which i hope will help.
A big chunk of my brain is still living in hope and I so wish it would stop.

OP posts:
Original poster
colouringindoors · 09/01/2022 16:40

GastroNuisance So sorry you went through this too. It is so painful like you say.

OP posts:
Original poster
colouringindoors · 09/01/2022 20:35

I've decided to try and stay at home tonight. My neighbour has been a lifesaver, listening to me every evening.

OP posts:
Windywuss · 09/01/2022 21:01

Are you watching some daft tv? Get an early night. You'll be exhausted

Original poster
colouringindoors · 09/01/2022 21:35

My dd is inflicting Jane the Virgin on me!

I want to go to bed a bit later than last night in the hope that i don't wake up at 4 again.

Thank you x

OP posts:
mcmooberry · 09/01/2022 21:55

Oh God it really is awful, I am being reminded of it! One way or the other you will feel better. Either because he actually has made a mistake and will come back (but don't beg or even contact him, play the long game) or he hasn't made a mistake and his lack of commitment means you weren't right for each other and you will one day realise that you didn't want someone half-hearted about you and you will meet someone else that you care about more. It doesn't help the pain now that someone who added so much happiness to your life is not in it but in moments of clarity know that one day you will be over this. So glad you have good friends and neighbours to make you feel better.

mcmooberry · 09/01/2022 21:57

Actually just to add, scrub the meeting someone else even if it is true, I have remembered that I didn't want to hear about some theoretical new person when I only wanted someone back!

Original poster
colouringindoors · 09/01/2022 22:08

Actually just to add, scrub the meeting someone else even if it is true, I have remembered that I didn't want to hear about some theoretical new person when I only wanted someone back!

thank you, that actually made me smile.

OP posts:
AWOL66 · 10/01/2022 00:51

I really feel for you and send you a virtual hug! Time really does help all situations beyond belief but I'd reccommend watching The Crappy Childhood Therapy blogger on Youtube. She reads letters just like yours and gives insight into these situations. She talks a lot about relationships, limerance, co dependency and complex ptsd. The emotional strain in your previous relationship coping with mental health issues must have been enormous and sounds like a very long drawn out traumatic time. This new relationship must have felt like a big relief. The Crappy Childhood Fairy unpicks these sort of situations and gives a clearer understanding and advice on moving forward. You might relate to videos on there and have something to help you look forwards

Original poster
colouringindoors · 10/01/2022 00:57

thanks AWOL66 that sounds very interesting and apt. I will definitely take a look. thanks

Tonight I seem to have had a dose of hope - no reason why - and although it's almost certainly bollocks, I have really appreciated the respite from misery, and managed to write some stuff down.

I'm so, so grateful to you all x

OP posts:
Lilolily · 10/01/2022 02:15

Took me a year, but it did get easier day by day. Feel what you feel and allow yourself time. You will be ok x

Original poster
colouringindoors · 10/01/2022 08:20

oh god a year is a long time SadSadSad

i will be going into work shortly. I've been crying and it looks like it but i cant stay st home

OP posts:
UserBot989 · 10/01/2022 08:26

I like the crappy childhood fairy too.

Years ago I wouldn't even have identified with having had a crappy childhood but it's only when I grew up, moved away and was then re-triggered by my mother acting like my perspective was a big act of aggression I was perpetrating against her and not just my perspective that I have a right to that I finally understood the effect my childhood had on my sense of my self. My parents weren't setting out to be bad people but they raised me to believe that my perspective, my experience is an offence. So I small down. I small right down in romantic relationships and even though I may be assertive to start, the more established the relationship becomes the more I slip back in to that core belief that who I am must be obliterated.

And then, I'm dumped (if the man is a good man because tbh who wants a woman with no sense of herself) or if the man is not good he enjoys my dwindling sense of myself and capitalises on it.

NOT that this is what is going on with OP! I just mention it because the crappy childhood fairy is good, she's very calm. She's all about recovery. She talks about why 'we' react to the things going on in our lives today the way we sometimes do and how to handle things in a way that won't sabotage what could be available to us if we were less reactive/hurt.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In
This thread is not accepting new messages.