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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Utterly, utterly, heartbroken

1000 replies

colouringindoors · 07/01/2022 16:22

I know I'm not the first and won't be the last. It's nothing new.

But I honestly don't know how I can bear this Sad

This morning my relationship ended. We'd only been "together" for six months, friends for 3 years, I've "liked" him for over 3 years. It has been wonderful. I could talk about anything and everything with him. He made me laugh, he's kind, we had lots in common and omg the chemistry was incredible. I really thought he was the person I'd spend the rest of my life with.

This came after separating from my husband of 20+ years 4 years ago and a huge amount of trauma due to ex's severe mental illness, ds severely ill, dd diagnosed ASD. The last 10 years have been horrendous apart from meeting new man, getting to know him and becoming involved with him.

I feel worse than I did when I separated from my husband. I've been unable to stop crying all day. I literally don't know what to do with myself.

How do I bear this?!

OP posts:
UserBot989 · 10/01/2022 08:27

The crappy childhood fairy has a really good video about the spiritual narcissist which is the type I used to fall for after escaping from narc x.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 10/01/2022 08:35

Stay busy
Wallow
Work , work is the best cure as it’s the only bloody thing that takes your mind off it xxxx

I’m mindful of what you said about your kids mental health and asd
I’ve got an asd school refuser and by god it’s hard

Feel free to pm me !

Original poster
colouringindoors · 10/01/2022 08:58

thank you x

school refusing ASD child is so hard.

i have had quite a bit of counselling over the years - depressed mother, infertility, pnd, then cptsd from exs horrendous bipolar.... so I am a lot wiser than i was. even though i can rationalise why i feel so devastated (many factors) it doesn't change how utterly awful i feel.

OP posts:
Original poster
colouringindoors · 10/01/2022 09:20

The hopeful voice is really persistent.

It says maybe he Will properly talk to his sister and she'll help him realise he's made the wrong decision.

OP posts:
Cissyandflora · 10/01/2022 09:28

I feel your pain op. I was heartbroken at 20 and had a breakdown. Went to a psychiatric unit. Felt suicidal. Because of the pain I am single and have been always. I’m mid 50s. I cannot bear that pain of rejection. So even though it gets better and everything passes, I still couldn’t do it again. It’s that bad. So reading your posts I know how tormented and sad you feel.
I’m posting to suggest something though. Russell brand has made some good YouTube videos and some are about grief of different kinds. There’s at least one on breakups. I think they are very good. If you can bear it have a watch and a listen.
I hope you recover from this quickly and start feeling better. Take it an hour at a time.

AlbertBridge · 10/01/2022 09:31

I'd get on antidepressants. They're proven to help with the pain of heartbreak as your serotonin is lowered when you fall in love. So raising it and keep it it raised helps to lessen those feelings of infatuation and obsession. I did it with my divorce and it helped. You simply don't care as much.

Or even 2 paracetamol have been shown to help relieve emotional pain as well as they do physical.

Obviously follow all the healthy guidelines.

merrymelodies · 10/01/2022 09:43

I'm so sorry, colouringindoors! I had my heart smashed to pieces almost four years ago. I retreated behind anger and pride, which helped a little. What also helped was talking about it but friends and family only have limited patience so I started to write to him. Not to send but as if I was talking to him... this was very therapeutic. I wrote for hours, whenever I had time on my hands, and it helped me not to feel quite so devastated. As if he was there with me. The other thing that helped was hope. Imagining scenarios where he'd returned. When I wasn't indulging in fury and indignation. It took a couple of weeks for the initial agony to subside. And gradually I began to feel better. Sometimes I'd find myself sobbing and it felt as if all the grief was fresh... but it faded after an hour or so. You can get through it. Thanks

Original poster
colouringindoors · 10/01/2022 10:19

Albertbridge thanks. I am actually on Sertraline already.... just as well really! Will give the paracetamol a try though, my heart and stomach ache so much...

*merrymelodies" thank so much, I'm sorry you experienced this awfulness. What you say about writing is interesting. Last night I did write him a long "message" which i didn't send - wasn't planning to and it definitely helped a bit.

Cissyandflora oh that's so sad, I'm so sorry.

OP posts:
Alondra · 10/01/2022 10:20

I'm sorry you are feeling so hearbroken. I know it's not consolation but you've been through so much in the last few years that today's pain will be forgotten sooner that you think. You've been with him 6 months after a traumatic marriage and serious health problems with your daughter. You were so emotionally vulnerable that te may have seem like the perfect prince in shinning armour, the perfect man for you....but no man is. You are going to meet a lot of frogs before you meet the man who will be your partner in every sense of the world, he'll have faults, you'll get pissed off with him but he'll be there for you no matter what.

Until it happens, talk to friends, family, go out ....keep busy until the worst feelings of grief are over. They'll come in waves, you just need to ride the highs with as much support as you can until you'll finally become emotionally detached.

I'll say to you what a good friend said to me after my first marriage broke up " if you can love, love yourself first".

AlbertBridge · 10/01/2022 11:33

Let me know how you get on with 2 paracetamol. I'll try to find the link to the research...

IamGusFring · 10/01/2022 11:37

You need to munch something even a few crackers ... it may help to relieve some of your anxiety. There is a very strong gut and brain connection.

Original poster
colouringindoors · 10/01/2022 12:01

oh god the urge to message him is overwhelming

OP posts:
Original poster
colouringindoors · 10/01/2022 12:03

i managed to have some toast.

OP posts:
IamGusFring · 10/01/2022 12:03

Don't do it . We've all been there at one time or another . He's made his decision . Your brain is just addicted to the drama of it all . Your brain is lazy . Be stronger than it !

Original poster
colouringindoors · 10/01/2022 12:07

thanks albertbridge interesting read, though commentators don't recommend dulling emotional pain. Well I've taken some paracetamol cos i slso have a splitting headache....

OP posts:
Windywuss · 10/01/2022 12:08

@colouringindoors

oh god the urge to message him is overwhelming
Don't. You'll only torture yourself.

Make use of the therapeutic letters like someone suggested. I used to write notes in my phone all the time and not send them. I have a stack of them in my postit app thingy. Try that instead?

And good you ate something.

AsMyGranWouldSay · 10/01/2022 12:16

I found it helpful when someone advised naming the physiological feelings instead of being tortured by thoughts. It's very grounding. For ex. Instead of thinking "I'm so sad" you do a running, gentle commentary "my stomach feels tight, my breathing is shallow, head is aching..etc" and breathe into the part of the body that needs relaxing.
It works with practice. Then you can more easily take it step by step. Too much thinking gets us nowhere and stops us moving on. When in reality, there are other people out there that can make us happy too.

AndItDoesntSeemToMatter · 10/01/2022 12:26

@colouringindoors

oh god the urge to message him is overwhelming
No no no!! No good will come of this!
Original poster
colouringindoors · 10/01/2022 12:29

I won't message him. i think I'm going to go home for lunch now. I'm so exhausted. Fortunately i live 5 mins away

OP posts:
fedup078 · 10/01/2022 12:38

Oh op I know how you feel
I met my dh on the rebound from such a heartbreak . We are now divorcing and I don't feel really feel anything but the thought of going through what happened after the previous relationship has put me off for life and I really don't think I will ever be with anyone again

Original poster
colouringindoors · 10/01/2022 12:53

I can understand that Flowers

OP posts:
Thisisworsethananticpated · 10/01/2022 13:05

Don’t text him
Only because it will make you feel even shitter
Have you done the delete purge yet ?
Their contact , every email and every photo

Probably too painful x

DuvetHugger · 10/01/2022 13:08

OP I have been here. The quickest way to get through this is no contact. It is also extremely important that you are kind to yourself, eat proper meals and have early nights.

It hurts like fuck right now, I've been there twice. But IT WILL GET BETTER

AlbertBridge · 10/01/2022 15:46

oh god the urge to message him is overwhelming

Don't you dare! 😆

He needs to FEEL the loss of you. It'll either kill him but he'll get over it or it'll kill him and he'll realise you're irreplaceable. It'll take 8 weeks of TOTAL no contact for him to completely process his emotions. He could well discover he can't live without you. Don't spoil his concentration!

Nothing you say or text could ever be as sexy, alluring, mysterious or likely to get in his head as your total absence.

As Beyoncé said, "Now you're gonna learn what it really feels like to miss me."

Total silence. Delete his number. Or rename it, "IGNORE THIS OR ALBERTBRIDGE OFF MN WILL COME ROUND AND SLAP ME."

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