Utterly, utterly, heartbroken

[colouringindoors]

I know I'm not the first and won't be the last. It's nothing new.

But I honestly don't know how I can bear this

This morning my relationship ended. We'd only been "together" for six months, friends for 3 years, I've "liked" him for over 3 years. It has been wonderful. I could talk about anything and everything with him. He made me laugh, he's kind, we had lots in common and omg the chemistry was incredible. I really thought he was the person I'd spend the rest of my life with.

This came after separating from my husband of 20+ years 4 years ago and a huge amount of trauma due to ex's severe mental illness, ds severely ill, dd diagnosed ASD. The last 10 years have been horrendous apart from meeting new man, getting to know him and becoming involved with him.

I feel worse than I did when I separated from my husband. I've been unable to stop crying all day. I literally don't know what to do with myself.

How do I bear this?!

I don't understand how it's so easy for these men just to switch off

John Gray has stuff to say about this in Men Are From Mars. It's quite helpful. He uses an analogy about ovens, I think?! Women are like ovens - our feelings warm up slowly but then stay warm for a long time. Men are like (I forget his exact words so I'll make something up) gas hobs. They heat up from nothing to a full flame INSTANTLY but can then switch it off again.

I think he then goes on to say helpful stuff about how to heal. I hope so, because I've just left you all believing you're going to stay hot with emotion for ages for your feckless exes, while they burst into flame with someone else who touches their knob 😱

Sorry you prob mean Scorpios stupid ex.

Mornings are definitely worst

Oh AlbertBridge you made me lol which believe me is a superhero achievement this morning. You are awesome. You remind of my awesome sil.

fuck! the weather forecast has changed and it's going to be bright and sunny tomorrow morning. usually I'd be delighted but it's too like last week

fuck crying at my desk now.

He hasn't switched off.

I'm scared you're romanticising this man. I know you still have a lot of respect for him, but he's not Heathcliff, roaming the moors with a tortured soul crying for Cathy. He's still just a bloke who was idiotic enough to finish with YOU.

You are not a woman who cries at weather forecasts because they remind her of the idiot who didn't have the sense to spot when they'd met an A* partner! You are NOT. You are a fierce, feisty feminine powerhouse whose only mantra now is, "His loss!"

Go on. Say it with me. Say it once. His loss.

Be happy it's going to be sunny. Your hair will look shiny and flowers will start to grow in your garden and birds will sing and he'll start to sweat under his jumper and his pants will chafe.

(I might be getting a bit too feisty now.)

It is TOTALLY 20000000000000% his loss.

omg ❤

Love it Albert and you are right, it's definitely his loss.

I know I'm being annoying. Sorry! You don't have to feel defiant and angry. Relationships finish. Sometimes things don't work out. He's not horrible. He was honest.

But you're still lovely. Just don't lose sight of that. You're lovely.

Anyway.

Here's my second-favourite break-up poem. It's by Wendy Cope. It's called Defining The Problem.

I can’t forgive you. Even if I could,
You wouldn’t pardon me for seeing through you.
And yet I cannot cure myself of love
For what I thought you were before I knew you.

And here's my favourite break-up poem. It's The Fugitive by Edna St Vincent Millay. (I love poems and songs about this stuff, because it's LIVING PROOF that someone else once felt as sad as I did but got through it enough to write about it. Hopefully Edna didn't famously top herself after writing this.)

^Thanks be to God the world is wide,
And I am going far from home,
For I forgot in Camelot
The man I loved in Rome,^

^And I forgot in Kensington
The man I loved in Kew;
And there must be a place for me
To think no more of you.^

Travelling does help. Crossing water seems to help. Could you book a little trip for sometime between now and the end of Feb?

@fedup078 it's crazy! That's the hardest thing I think. You're left just wondering and confused by everything. I think there is something wrong with mine in the head. I take solace in the fact that I'm in a better position than him to move on. He's still under the control of his ex and goes nowhere. I found out the other day that his ex invited herself to his house with her new boyfriend for NYE! It's BONKERS!

@colouringindoors

It is TOTALLY 20000000000000% his loss.

omg ❤

It REALLY is. Good people are hard to come by. Good luck to them finding someone else as good.

Meant to say too, someone that I found which helped last night is sleep hypnosis. Search for John Moyer on YouTube. He has loads of videos, some which help getting over this crap. It did help me to stop overthinking everything last night and relaxed me enough to fall asleep at a reasonable hour.

I should be working but I've delved deeper into the world of break-up poetry and there are loads!

Here's Edna again. This one really got to me.

WHAT LIPS MY LIPS HAVE KISSED, AND WHERE, AND WHY BY EDNA ST. VINCENT MILLAY
What lips my lips have kissed, and where, and why,
I have forgotten, and what arms have lain
Under my head till morning; but the rain
Is full of ghosts tonight, that tap and sigh
Upon the glass and listen for reply,
And in my heart there stirs a quiet pain
For unremembered lads that not again
Will turn to me at midnight with a cry.
Thus in the winter stands the lonely tree,
Nor knows what birds have vanished one by one,
Yet knows its boughs more silent than before:
I cannot say what loves have come and gone,
I only know that summer sang in me
A little while, that in me sings no more.

😭 😭 😭

And for me, after a decade of trauma with ex with undiagnosed bipolar, the fact that his head is a mess is a Massive turn off.

AlbertBridge you are soooooo not being annoying. Your posts are so, so helpful, and also funny!

fuck that last ones sad 😭😭😭

My one liner is:

*When you hold me, all is well."

Well I had the massage. It seems to have sent me back to Day Zero.

Apologies now. I miss him sooooooo much I am craving contact. But I will ramble here instead.

I miss you so much.

You made me so, so happy. I felt alive again. You made me feel interesting, beautiful and sexy. It was just so easy to be with you. I could say anything to you. You always made me laugh out loud. Your hugs, offered as soon as you walked in the door were just wonderful. I could have stayed in your arms forever.

Our time away was insanely perfect. I will never forget those days. I. L. Y.

just found this older thread. Looks like a really good idea.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2669674-30-day-no-contact-for-the-broken-hearted-starts-here

Anyone else in a similar situation, please do post x

oh fuck I've done 8 messages back to back 😭😅

@colouringindoors

Well I had the massage. It seems to have sent me back to Day Zero.

Same with me. Seemed okay at the time when I first messaged. He was a bit if an arse which kinds helped. I had done 9 days NC at that point. But it did set me back. Never helps. Tell yourself that when you're healed, you'll allow yourself to reach out for a catch up if you want to. That's what I'm doing. Of course, I probably never will, because when I'm over it I won't want to speak to him.

Ah scorpiogirly massage, not message 😚😁

Hey
That message you wrote but didn’t send made me feel a bit 🥲
I can see why you are so heartbroken
I split with someone but never had any of that !!
But yeah don’t send it x

Thank you xx I really, really appreciate you saying that.