Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Emotional affair?

383 replies

Tic221 · 31/12/2021 14:02

Just a bit of advice really.
I'm at work and thinking about something I saw last night on DH ipad.

Our marriage hasn't been great and lockdown has made it worse.
I was actually considering if we should continue. Nothing particularly bad but I feel we have grown apart too much.

Anyway last night I couldn't sleep so went downstairs at 1am and DH had left his ipad on the kitchen table.
Opened it (innocently) to browse MN and came across imessages.

In a nutshell he has been speaking to a woman for 6 months.
Hours and hours every day.
Mainly evening time as I go to bed early to be up for work at 4am.

From what I can gather, they know eachother through work but don't work directly together.
I've had a look at her Facebook and I don't recognise her. It would seem she is in a relationship too. He has never mentioned her either.

Last night they sent over 100 messages.
Pretty mundane stuff really
New year plans, work, TV etc.

They've sent photos nothing sexual but there are a lot.

They are quite suggestive on a few but not very direct.
Like she mentions his tight jeans on his photo.
He mentions her dress but with a winky face and says it made him feel flustered.

They have not once mentioned me or her apparent partner
But have mentioned I'm passing.
She has one toddler
We have 3 older dc

I'm not sure what to make of it.
They clearly fancy eachother with the photo comments etc
But it isn't sexual and not like they're discussing the lows of their current relationships.
It almost seems friendly but with a subtle undertone.

For me that for 6 months they have messaged eachother every day.
Including Christmas
And speak for hours.

Is this an emotional affair? Or just an unhealthy friendship? Confused

OP posts:
Original poster
Tic221 · 31/12/2021 14:03

IN passing

OP posts:
Original poster
Tic221 · 31/12/2021 14:04

And if it is an emotional affair
Do they always become physical?

OP posts:
Yummypumpkin · 31/12/2021 14:05

I'm not sure the definition matters.

I'd ask, how do you feel?

RoyKentsChestHair · 31/12/2021 14:05

He’s putting his energy into her and not you. Did he exchange 100 pleasantries with you last night? Regardless of how you label it, it’s not going to help your relationship if he’s watering someone else’s grass.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 31/12/2021 14:08

Emotional affair 100%
Sorry x not a nice thing to discover

Original poster
Tic221 · 31/12/2021 14:09

I just feel really confused in all honesty.
He is being very charming and flatters her a lot.

I just didn't see this coming at all.

Things weren't great but I feel like she has turned his head.

OP posts:
Thisisworsethananticpated · 31/12/2021 14:09

And will it become physical ?
Probably
As they will trust each other more
Sexy messages
Sexy photos
Then after wanking over each other , a meet up will be suggested

Original poster
Tic221 · 31/12/2021 14:09

No he didn't speak to much last night at all.

He isn't horrible
It's all just very flat between him and me.

OP posts:
Wombat43 · 31/12/2021 14:11

Don't blame the woman.

Deal with your own husband. It's his choice to chat, etc.

TheHoptimist · 31/12/2021 14:11

@Tic221

I just feel really confused in all honesty. He is being very charming and flatters her a lot.

I just didn't see this coming at all.

Things weren't great but I feel like she has turned his head.

Dont blame her for turning his head!

He is 100% complicit

Yummypumpkin · 31/12/2021 14:11

That's usually how it happens.

It sounds...forgive if I'm wrong...that you're prepared to tolerate this within certain boundaries and if it doesn't escalate?

Original poster
Tic221 · 31/12/2021 14:11

They fancy eachother that's for sure.

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 31/12/2021 14:11

It's an emotional affair. He's had conversations he wouldn't have with friends. Lines have been crossed. I'm sorry.

Original poster
Tic221 · 31/12/2021 14:13

No no I'm not blaming her

She seems almost pleasant. She steers him to the mundane when he sends his Wink

But then sometimes embraces it

I'm really not blaming her
It is him
He sends the message first
He pushes
I can see that.

I meant more things aren't good with us so maybe that's why his head has been turned.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tic221 · 31/12/2021 14:15

No I'm not sure I would forgive it.

I'm just wondering if there's a pattern.
Are they going to sleep with eachother

I feel like if I have him up on this
He will play it down.

OP posts:
Yummypumpkin · 31/12/2021 14:17

You cannot predict the future.

It's best to make your decision based on what has happened, than what might happen.

Some affairs start quickly. There's no talk of meeting up.

Men love to live in their fantasy lands.

ZenNudist · 31/12/2021 14:18

Get screen shots. Be prepared for him to claim its nothing and they are just friends. If pushed it might meant hey discover how much they loved each other and can't bear to be without each other yadda yadda. Horrible for you. I am sorry. Talk to him.

WanderingLost167 · 31/12/2021 14:20

As someone who had an emotional and then physical affair, this head turned idea is a bit of red herring. You have to be willing to cross that line into an emotional and/or physical attachment to someone, and that happens when you FEEL like you aren't getting that from your relationship. This isn't about blame on the other spouse, but it's about perspective. Her interactions with him give him something he needs.

Its why I'm always wary of people who cheat and then declare they will be faithful if nothing else in the relationship changes. Affairs are often the result of issues, not just the cause

StopStartStop · 31/12/2021 14:20

I feel like she has turned his head.
No. He chose that. He chose to message her a hundred times last night and has been messaging her for six months.
That's infidelity, and he chose to do it.
He chose to message her from your home, while you were nearby. He chose his secret half-relationship over your company.
I know you aren't blaming her. But you need to be actively blaming him!

layladomino · 31/12/2021 14:23

He can play it down all he likes, but you know what you've seen, and that is evidence that he is spending his time thinking of her. His emotional energy is spent on her. His complements are spent on her. He is giving her time and taking it away from you.

You don't have to prove anything more to leave him, if that's what you want to do (and it sounds like you were already thinking along those lines).

Original poster
Tic221 · 31/12/2021 14:24

I managed to get some photos of the messages that made me think this isn't just friendly.

OP posts:
litterbird · 31/12/2021 14:25

Yes it’s an emotional affair right now. It may or may not turn to a physical one. It’s up to you to sit him down with all the evidence and see how he responds. He will definitely down play it until you present all the facts. Not nice at all. Hope you can rebuild from this OP.

Original poster
Tic221 · 31/12/2021 14:27

I just feel sick to be honest.

I mean things aren't great but he's usually quite shy and I just always thought if we ended it would be nothing like this

I'm now thinking things haven't been good because he is mentally somewhere else

OP posts:
Yummypumpkin · 31/12/2021 14:31

Yes. You're re examining cause and effect.

You are centering your feelings.

You won't get much sense out of him.

MN will say confront him. You won't get a lot of sense because he likely doesn't know what he was playing at, where it was going, how she felt, or how he felt.

The answers do not lie with him.

I would encourage you to live with this for a few days and observe him and get more clarity on what you expect, demand, want and need.

As soon as you have his voice and stories its going to be more difficult to think clearly. You are in control now. Pick your moment.

litterbird · 31/12/2021 14:32

It sounds like he is checking out of the marriage. However, not all is lost if you both want to get things back on track. I think he needs this jolt to move his feelings and emotional time away from this lady who he chooses to continue to communicate with. You need to be brave, collect all the evidence and confront sooner rather than later.