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Original poster

Emotional affair?

383 replies

Tic221 · 31/12/2021 14:02

Just a bit of advice really.
I'm at work and thinking about something I saw last night on DH ipad.

Our marriage hasn't been great and lockdown has made it worse.
I was actually considering if we should continue. Nothing particularly bad but I feel we have grown apart too much.

Anyway last night I couldn't sleep so went downstairs at 1am and DH had left his ipad on the kitchen table.
Opened it (innocently) to browse MN and came across imessages.

In a nutshell he has been speaking to a woman for 6 months.
Hours and hours every day.
Mainly evening time as I go to bed early to be up for work at 4am.

From what I can gather, they know eachother through work but don't work directly together.
I've had a look at her Facebook and I don't recognise her. It would seem she is in a relationship too. He has never mentioned her either.

Last night they sent over 100 messages.
Pretty mundane stuff really
New year plans, work, TV etc.

They've sent photos nothing sexual but there are a lot.

They are quite suggestive on a few but not very direct.
Like she mentions his tight jeans on his photo.
He mentions her dress but with a winky face and says it made him feel flustered.

They have not once mentioned me or her apparent partner
But have mentioned I'm passing.
She has one toddler
We have 3 older dc

I'm not sure what to make of it.
They clearly fancy eachother with the photo comments etc
But it isn't sexual and not like they're discussing the lows of their current relationships.
It almost seems friendly but with a subtle undertone.

For me that for 6 months they have messaged eachother every day.
Including Christmas
And speak for hours.

Is this an emotional affair? Or just an unhealthy friendship? Confused

OP posts:
Original poster
Tic221 · 31/12/2021 14:36

@StopStartStop this makes a lot of sense.
Thank you.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tic221 · 31/12/2021 14:40

@Tic221
I'm sitting tight for now.

Our dc are really excited for tonight and I've said they can stay up.
Nobody is ruining that for them.

I'm going to really watch him now
Funny thing is, I've not noticed him on his phone anymore than usual
I mean 90% of the messages are after I go to bed but he still leaves his phone around etc
There have been no alarm bells
Our relationship has been flat but he hasn't been secretive at all.
Our sex life has gone gone from infrequent to non existent since the summer though so now at least I know why.
I thought it was because I gained weight during lockdown. Silly me Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
Tic221 · 31/12/2021 14:43

You know really upsets me the most.
They seem to really get on. From the outside looking in anyway. I think it would be easier to accept if it was just smutty but it isn't.

OP posts:
litterbird · 31/12/2021 14:45

Watch and observe as you are doing now and try and look at the script of men who cheat on their wives. If you are aware of the words they use back at you then it will give you an indication of what really is going on. You may also start to put two and two together as you are starting to do already. Its such a horrible thing to go through especially trying to keep a brave face on it all just to get through the season.

Yummypumpkin · 31/12/2021 14:45

@Tic221

You know really upsets me the most. They seem to really get on. From the outside looking in anyway. I think it would be easier to accept if it was just smutty but it isn't.
Yes but they're not trying to negotiate real life together.
EarthSight · 31/12/2021 14:45

@Tic221

I just feel really confused in all honesty. He is being very charming and flatters her a lot.

I just didn't see this coming at all.

Things weren't great but I feel like she has turned his head.

There's a reason why they're both doing this OP, I'm sorry.

They might be in denial about that, they might have no plans to take it further even, but degrading the platonic status of this friendship is what they're doing. After all, there is a way of complimenting people without making it sexual.

It will either stay like that or it will progress into something more substantial.

WanderingLost167 · 31/12/2021 14:48

Affairs often aren't just about sex, especially ones that start like this.

Original poster
Tic221 · 31/12/2021 15:07

@Tic221
Thank you for speaking so honestly about your experience.
I think you're right.
I don't think he is having his cake and eating it so to speak.

And you're right
This doesn't seem sexual really.
Not as I would imagine it to be.
More like friends.

I think that worries me more.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tic221 · 31/12/2021 15:08

@WanderingLost167 the above post was for you.
Not me.

OP posts:
WanderingLost167 · 31/12/2021 15:26

Sounds perverse but I always used to wonder what would have hurt my DH and his DW more, the sex or the fact we shared everything about our lives together. We'd gvie advice on things to do with each others kids, share pictures, talk about work... Sounds the same in this situation, hence the number of messages you found with your DH.

Even now although we aren't involved sexually we are still good friends. He chose to work to stay in his marriage, but we still have a connection.

There's a reason this happened. I'd say if intimacy has ended in your relationship due to him pulling away from you, his emotions are definitely involved. Many people cheat because their partner withdraws sex, but I couldn't have sex with my ex husband when I fell for someone else.

2022beesknees · 31/12/2021 15:35

Friends or more than friends, what matters is that if he is diverting energy and attention away from his relationship with you towards his relationship with her, this is something which needs to be addressed as soon as possible.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 31/12/2021 15:39

@WanderingLost167

Sounds perverse but I always used to wonder what would have hurt my DH and his DW more, the sex or the fact we shared everything about our lives together. We'd gvie advice on things to do with each others kids, share pictures, talk about work... Sounds the same in this situation, hence the number of messages you found with your DH.

Even now although we aren't involved sexually we are still good friends. He chose to work to stay in his marriage, but we still have a connection.

There's a reason this happened. I'd say if intimacy has ended in your relationship due to him pulling away from you, his emotions are definitely involved. Many people cheat because their partner withdraws sex, but I couldn't have sex with my ex husband when I fell for someone else.

He can't really 'work on his marriage' properly while you're still friends with a 'connection' can he? If he wants to actually work on his marriage then why don't you two do the right thing and stop your friendship and connection? Anything else is just cruel to the partners involved.
2022beesknees · 31/12/2021 15:48

OP, when you say they sound like they get on, just remember that it's fairly easy to get on with someone you have something in common with and with whom you don't live with or have to do the mundane things with.
Does he mention you at all by name during their chats?

2022beesknees · 31/12/2021 15:50

Sorry, OP, I see you state in your opening post that you aren't mentioned. This is a red flag.

scousemousex · 31/12/2021 15:54

I'd hide the iPad, turn off find my iPhone, stay silent.

When he asks if you've seen it simply say "yes I was using it at the kitchen table last night".

Cue panic, minimising, etc etc. it'll tell you all you need to know.

Original poster
Tic221 · 31/12/2021 15:56

@WanderingLost167 I think for me, I would be less upset/confused if he had been sending dick pictures! It is the normality of it that's unnerved me the most.
I mean I'm not happy to see that he clearly thinks she is stunning and likewise the other way around but just the ease.
I can't quite put into words what I mean.

Thank you again for your honesty.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tic221 · 31/12/2021 15:59

@2022beesknees the closest he has ever got to mentioning me was a message 3 months ago where he says " yes we went to that place once, nice food , kids loved it"

And no other mention of me at all.
And she doesn't mention her partner either

I'm not sure it is her partner but her Facebook photo is with a man.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tic221 · 31/12/2021 16:00

@scousemousex I like this.

I think I'll wait until the dc are back at school as we both have a day off Friday.

OP posts:
2022beesknees · 31/12/2021 16:09

OP I have really been where you are now, although I didn't get to see many messages, just a handful really. They sounded like really good friends, and it was a shock to read because I had no idea there was even a friendship there.

It may not necessarily mean anything romantic is going on between them of course, but what it is an indication of is that he can compartmentalise to such an extent that he can have lots of conversations in which you do not feature at all.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 31/12/2021 16:14

It’s really hurtful by the way
I’m sad you had to find this out and it’s a horrible feeling
That said , honest to god you’d probably have been just as hurt if you’d seen explicit sexual stuff too
It’s any intimacy when it’s meant to be you

I’m also in the bide your time camp OP

You are in too much shock now to make a rational decision x

Original poster
Tic221 · 31/12/2021 16:17

@2022beesknees I don't think anything has gone on romantically but some of the messages are definetly more than you'd send a friend.

I think when I approach him he is going to say they're just joking.

I feel like I'm going mad.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tic221 · 31/12/2021 16:20

definitely even

OP posts:
Original poster
Tic221 · 31/12/2021 16:21

@Thisisworsethananticpated thank you. Your kind words mean a lot, I feel silly to be upset because I feel like not much has happened but I know it isn't right.

I'm waiting until Friday.
We are both off work and dc will be back at school then.

OP posts:
2022beesknees · 31/12/2021 16:21

You will feel like you're going mad, that's normal. You reality has been altered, suddenly.

The first thing my DM said to me when I voiced my concerns to her about reading their friendly messages was, 'if she's such a good friend, why not suggest you and he go and visit her or ask her and her partner round for dinner?'

Might be worth a try in your case?

Thisisworsethananticpated · 31/12/2021 16:25

There is nothing to feel silly about Flowers
He is your husband
You assumed you were having an off time
And now he’s BFF with some lovely woman online

The main question is , can things be salvaged
And that’s a tough and time consuming decision x
Either way it’s totally shit as you know now amd it’s going to disrupt your relaxation

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