Emotional affair?

[Tic221]

Just a bit of advice really.
I'm at work and thinking about something I saw last night on DH ipad.

Our marriage hasn't been great and lockdown has made it worse.
I was actually considering if we should continue. Nothing particularly bad but I feel we have grown apart too much.

Anyway last night I couldn't sleep so went downstairs at 1am and DH had left his ipad on the kitchen table.
Opened it (innocently) to browse MN and came across imessages.

In a nutshell he has been speaking to a woman for 6 months.
Hours and hours every day.
Mainly evening time as I go to bed early to be up for work at 4am.

From what I can gather, they know eachother through work but don't work directly together.
I've had a look at her Facebook and I don't recognise her. It would seem she is in a relationship too. He has never mentioned her either.

Last night they sent over 100 messages.
Pretty mundane stuff really
New year plans, work, TV etc.

They've sent photos nothing sexual but there are a lot.

They are quite suggestive on a few but not very direct.
Like she mentions his tight jeans on his photo.
He mentions her dress but with a winky face and says it made him feel flustered.

They have not once mentioned me or her apparent partner
But have mentioned I'm passing.
She has one toddler
We have 3 older dc

I'm not sure what to make of it.
They clearly fancy eachother with the photo comments etc
But it isn't sexual and not like they're discussing the lows of their current relationships.
It almost seems friendly but with a subtle undertone.

For me that for 6 months they have messaged eachother every day.
Including Christmas
And speak for hours.

Is this an emotional affair? Or just an unhealthy friendship?

@youvegottenminuteslynn

I'll hold my hands up, I missed that comment before I posted, it was after I went and 're read the ops posts, that I realised, my bad

@Hawkins001 DH is that you?

100 messages a night is okay?

Going for a wank after talking is okay?

Ffs

[quote Hawkins001]@youvegottenminuteslynn

I'll hold my hands up, I missed that comment before I posted, it was after I went and 're read the ops posts, that I realised, my bad[/quote]
I thought it seemed strange! OP's subsequent posts show how this really has crossed lines clearly. Her DH has been disloyal and broken her trust for sure.

@Hawkins001 oh my apologies.

In my defence my dh had female friends before this.
Those he spoke openly about
I've met
They've been to our house.

I'm not an unreasonable person at all.

Happy new year.

He's messaged her anyway.

I have the ipad

Just happy new year and she sent a photo of herself with a cocktail and he sent a heart back.

I don't think he realises his messages are coming to the ipad.

Oh OP, I'm sorry you are going through this. Try to keep a lid on your emotions so you can find out as much info as possible and get your thoughts together about what you want to happen. Don't make any rash decisions when you are feeling so raw. Knowledge is power, so take back your power ❤️

It sounds he doesn't realise, no.

[quote Tic221]@Hawkins001 oh my apologies.

In my defence my dh had female friends before this.
Those he spoke openly about
I've met
They've been to our house.

I'm not an unreasonable person at all.

Happy new year.[/quote]
I'll hold my hands up, apologies if I could of worded my previous posts than how I did, I admit there does seem cause for suspicion at least, it seems either a deliberate effort to conceal feelings ect or they have moments of flirting then resume business as normal so to speak.

All the best op, and happy New year, as best as possible.

I wouldn't tell him the messages come through on the iPad yet.

I would also make sure I was taking pictures (not screenshots as they'll save to camera roll on the iPad) of the messages so he can't convince you that you are remembering the messages wrongly.

If you use your phone to take the photos of the screen of the tablet, no trace with the sync of the camera roll as that also syncs screen shots

Good you've got control.

I'd be having it out with him by now.

What a shit.

A heart for OW on NYE? Well, he certainly is predictable.

Tic, at no time have you been unreasonable about this clandestine relationship. The dynamic here is the polar opposite of his appropriate platonic friendships with other women.

So his OW is in a relationship, married?

I wonder if her partner is having a good NYE ?

Cocktails and hearts, she must be feeling full of herself.

I'm not sure.

Her Facebook picture is of her and a man.

Could be a friend I guess.
But neither of them have mentioned a relationship on their messages

How awful. I’d be devastated.
Sorry I have nothing useful to add.
I hope your DH grovels and absolutely begs for your forgiveness when you do confront him.

A few random thoughts:

1. If you wanted to attempt to work through this together, I believe there is a chance. For me, personally, it would all depend on his reaction when he knows that you know.

1. I wouldn’t let on that the messages are coming to the iPad. It’s a way of monitoring it in the future should you decide to work through it (then you have to decide if you want to live like that though - not trusting him).

Good luck OP.

My now ex husband had emotional affairs for our whole 17 year marriage, I'd discover one, he'd threaten suicide, I'd stay and brush it under the carpet, he'd behave and then a few months later do it again and the cycle continued.

No one would have expected this, he was a lovely guy to the outside world, at home he was severely depressed and emotionally abusive to me and the whole house tiptoed round him.

After we split (after I had the courage not to care about whether he killed himself or not and ended it) he was so shocked, he couldn't see an issue with what he had been doing and thought I wasn't bothered (for the last 7 years I knew I'd leave eventually and stopped checking his phone so there were never any arguments about it because I no longer cared what he did).
He also admitted he had done it all for the ego boost and would never have left me for any of them.

Men like him don't change, if I had stayed we'd still be in the same cycle now, wanting the ego boost from other women but not prepared to put in the time to his own relationship.

I try not to have regrets but occasionally I regret not leaving earlier, I could have saved myself a whole world of pain.
I'd never put up with anything like this again.

Sending love and hugs to you to get through this difficult time💗

I have been in your shoes, I was afraid to confront, I read and photographed pages of messages dating back years. They planned a new life together talked about me in the messages. The other person sent huge bunches of flowers and chocolates for a birthday gift! That's when I lost it and it all eventually spilled out.
Do what you need to do but take some time to digest it and stay strong.

They may not work directly with each other, but they’ve obviously been in each other’s presence, as that was the springboard for their current over-frequent, over-familiar dynamic. He will be orchestrating their seeing each other again.

Tic, he needs to be told in no uncertain terms exactly what he stands to lose.

Why not ask him

@Hawkins001. I would certainly be concerned if it was a guy ! As the time of them would make him gay/bi curious . It’s not like they are messaging saying- ‘Kane’s header was brilliant today’ come on you spurs

Wow I'm really sorry OP - that must have been such a shock.
These messages are definitely not ok. Sorry to be so direct. As others have said, make your plan and choose your moment to confront him. You have huge self control to have kept it to yourself - use the information to your advantage. Think about what you want to do, and make a plan from there. We are here if you want a sounding board!

Op I’ve been where you are. I chose to confront with the messages and was prepared to hear him out which I did. I chose to stay and work on the relationship and it worked out for us. In our case things had changed and fizzled our a bit and he got his head turned by female attention as he wasn’t getting enough at home. That led to him checking out to a degree and made our relationship
Worse which encouraged his EA more. It took work and both of us to accept responsibility and make the commitment to making it work. What we did first was to take some time apart to reflect and think about what we wanted without being influenced by the other person. Good luck OP X

I've also been where you are, OP - and at the same time of year! - but, unlike the PP, I don't blame myself for my partner 'getting his head turned by female attention' because he wasn't 'getting enough at home 🙄

They are having an EA. For sure. They are in the 'Full-Blown Affair' airport lounge. In my case, they were in early December exchanging lots of 'heart eyes' and pictures of alcoholic drinks, and confessions of how hot and bothered the other one was making them. Quite frankly, if I'd uncovered it at that stage, I wouldn't have intervened, because then - well, you'll never know, will you? I would have wanted to see it play out. And play out it did. And the photos became 'less-clothed' and the 'banter' became 'dirty talk' and by Christmas, they'd shagged. I'd keep monitoring these messages, and making plans to leave. I have 'stayed' (he lives elsewhere) because there are three children and, down the line, a fair bit of money at stake which I'm sure as shit not letting her get her disgusting, grasping hands on. I'm not having her and her kid sitting pretty at the expense of me and mine. But I'll never forget and I haven't really forgiven and he knows there's a good chance someone might yet 'turn my head'.

I wish you all the best, I really do. You are worth more. (I'm not, really! 🤣)