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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Emotional affair?

383 replies

Tic221 · 31/12/2021 14:02

Just a bit of advice really.
I'm at work and thinking about something I saw last night on DH ipad.

Our marriage hasn't been great and lockdown has made it worse.
I was actually considering if we should continue. Nothing particularly bad but I feel we have grown apart too much.

Anyway last night I couldn't sleep so went downstairs at 1am and DH had left his ipad on the kitchen table.
Opened it (innocently) to browse MN and came across imessages.

In a nutshell he has been speaking to a woman for 6 months.
Hours and hours every day.
Mainly evening time as I go to bed early to be up for work at 4am.

From what I can gather, they know eachother through work but don't work directly together.
I've had a look at her Facebook and I don't recognise her. It would seem she is in a relationship too. He has never mentioned her either.

Last night they sent over 100 messages.
Pretty mundane stuff really
New year plans, work, TV etc.

They've sent photos nothing sexual but there are a lot.

They are quite suggestive on a few but not very direct.
Like she mentions his tight jeans on his photo.
He mentions her dress but with a winky face and says it made him feel flustered.

They have not once mentioned me or her apparent partner
But have mentioned I'm passing.
She has one toddler
We have 3 older dc

I'm not sure what to make of it.
They clearly fancy eachother with the photo comments etc
But it isn't sexual and not like they're discussing the lows of their current relationships.
It almost seems friendly but with a subtle undertone.

For me that for 6 months they have messaged eachother every day.
Including Christmas
And speak for hours.

Is this an emotional affair? Or just an unhealthy friendship? Confused

OP posts:
CJat10 · 05/01/2022 06:58

EA fizzled put in the cold light of day

The poster who wrote this has it right. An emotional affair is a fantasy.

desperatehousewife21 · 05/01/2022 07:55

Plus a fantasy almost NEVER lives up to real life expectation. Words/ pictures on a screen plus a low ego plus a bit of imagination equals fun and excitement but put those two people together in real life and it would fizzle out in a week.

Gettingonwithit12 · 05/01/2022 08:43

OP you are handling this so well. Like many others here I have some experience of this sort of thing, and I know just how devastated you must feel. Keep strong, and know that there are so many here who are supporting you from afar Flowers

R0SEMARY · 05/01/2022 14:02

@desperatehousewife21

Plus a fantasy almost NEVER lives up to real life expectation. Words/ pictures on a screen plus a low ego plus a bit of imagination equals fun and excitement but put those two people together in real life and it would fizzle out in a week.
I’m afraid that’s not always true. Sometime these people go ahead and leave their spouses and children so they can live together, chasing that dream.

Of course the excitement never lasts but many of them try really hard to make it work, because they have broken up two families. They have to pretend to themselves and everyone else that it’s True Love.

Sidehustle99 · 05/01/2022 14:13

@R0SEMARY 'Of course the excitement never lasts but many of them try really hard to make it work, because they have broken up two families. They have to pretend to themselves and everyone else that it’s True Love.'

I relate to this. A very good friend of mine left DH1 and DC1 for her true love. Her DC2 (DH1's) was a tiny baby. Her true love was relentless in his pursuit of her during her PND. She is now with DH2 and has DC3.

DH2 has since turned into a human potato whom is dull beyond belief 😏 (and probably working on DW3).

Happily DH1 is now married to a lovely woman and so it has worked out very well for him.

Friend and DH2 were soul mates and never went beyond kissing (strung DH1 along for several more months) until she drunkenly admitted the whole thing to SIL and was given short thrift by DH1.

Dindundundundeeer · 05/01/2022 22:18

OP you are doing brilliantly.

desperatehousewife21 · 06/01/2022 09:59

I hope you’re doing as best you can be @Tic221

As shit as things may get you have a big support network here all rallying round you.

CrumpetswithMarmite · 06/01/2022 17:52

Here here @desperatehousewife21 @Tic221

Mumof3confused · 07/01/2022 10:49

How are you getting on @Tic221? Thinking of you.

LetHimHaveIt · 07/01/2022 12:10

Me too, @Tic221. If you never come back to the board to post again - know that there are a lot of us powering you on.

crackersforcrackers · 07/01/2022 17:02

Hey Op, I've also been thinking about you all week and hoping everything has gone as well as it could today. I also wanted to say that I really do hope by the time you ring in 2023 you'll be in a much better and happier place, I've been so impressed at how strong you're being Flowers Wine

SunshineCake1 · 07/01/2022 18:59

I really hope the solicitors appointment went well.

It's definitely an affair, calling it emotional doesn't really make it hurt less.

I know of someone who had the opposite sex as a friend by text for over half a year then it did eventually turn into a physical one. Fall out was awful. Protect yourself.

Ohmycron · 07/01/2022 21:42

All gone quiet?

LiG123 · 07/01/2022 21:58

I thought this- hope she's ok

Mumstheword1990 · 07/01/2022 22:30

Another post just to say i read your entire thread and have been wondering how you are OP.

Whatever you decide - i hope you are ok.

desperatehousewife21 · 08/01/2022 08:35

Hoping the radio silence is the op getting her ducks in a row and house sale etc

Thinking of you @Tic221

PomegranateRose · 08/01/2022 10:09

Hope you’re okay @Tic221, I’ve been thinking about your situation on and off pretty much all week. I really hope the solicitor was able to help and that you’re getting everything sorted how you want it.

desperatehousewife21 · 10/01/2022 07:57

Hope your weekend went ok @Tic221 I fear your silence means something has happened, but I hope not.

MsDogLady · 10/01/2022 09:21

It appears that the OP has decided to stop engaging here.

Lennon80 · 10/01/2022 10:47

He’s probably weaselled his way out of it - so hard leaving when you have young kids though.

Yummypumpkin · 10/01/2022 12:10

@MsDogLady

It appears that the OP has decided to stop engaging here.
I get the impression OP is thorough and self controlled and firmly focused on getting the best for her and children.

She stopped posting after the solicitor visit. Standard legal advice would be not to.post anything on social media so I suspect she is following that.

She may well update in the future.

desperatehousewife21 · 10/01/2022 13:17

If that’s the case , and if you are still reading this op, I hope you manage to come to a resolution which is best for you and your DCs and wish you all the best for everything and hope you can come back one day to update us. Take care Flowers

Forensicpsych · 10/01/2022 20:21

Good you’re ok
@Tic221

ChiefStockingStuffer · 10/01/2022 21:03

Hope you're ok, OP, and that your appointment with the solicitor answered some important questions for you.

Ruralbliss · 10/01/2022 21:38

My XH had an emotional affair which instead of leading to a full blown physical affair lead to more and more closeness and very minor physicals but at home it made him horrendous to me when he could have been putting effort into fixing our twenty year relationship he was busy telling me how awful I was.

The minute we split he got together with his affair partner and claimed nothing had gone on before that.