Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Emotional affair?

383 replies

Tic221 · 31/12/2021 14:02

Just a bit of advice really.
I'm at work and thinking about something I saw last night on DH ipad.

Our marriage hasn't been great and lockdown has made it worse.
I was actually considering if we should continue. Nothing particularly bad but I feel we have grown apart too much.

Anyway last night I couldn't sleep so went downstairs at 1am and DH had left his ipad on the kitchen table.
Opened it (innocently) to browse MN and came across imessages.

In a nutshell he has been speaking to a woman for 6 months.
Hours and hours every day.
Mainly evening time as I go to bed early to be up for work at 4am.

From what I can gather, they know eachother through work but don't work directly together.
I've had a look at her Facebook and I don't recognise her. It would seem she is in a relationship too. He has never mentioned her either.

Last night they sent over 100 messages.
Pretty mundane stuff really
New year plans, work, TV etc.

They've sent photos nothing sexual but there are a lot.

They are quite suggestive on a few but not very direct.
Like she mentions his tight jeans on his photo.
He mentions her dress but with a winky face and says it made him feel flustered.

They have not once mentioned me or her apparent partner
But have mentioned I'm passing.
She has one toddler
We have 3 older dc

I'm not sure what to make of it.
They clearly fancy eachother with the photo comments etc
But it isn't sexual and not like they're discussing the lows of their current relationships.
It almost seems friendly but with a subtle undertone.

For me that for 6 months they have messaged eachother every day.
Including Christmas
And speak for hours.

Is this an emotional affair? Or just an unhealthy friendship? Confused

OP posts:
Original poster
Tic221 · 31/12/2021 23:05

I feel so lost right now.

I met him when I was 17.
I don't think I can forgive this all.
Not the 2022 I wanted.

Sitting here now with a brave face.
Party food for dc
Everything seems normal. He's not touched his phone.
And yet he counts down the minutes I'm not in bed to speak to her.

I'm almost jealous of the way they speak. So free and easy.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tic221 · 31/12/2021 23:05

I'm in bed.

OP posts:
Yummypumpkin · 31/12/2021 23:10
Flowers
Yummypumpkin · 31/12/2021 23:11

And don't write off 2022 before it's begun.

You will achieve things you didn't know you had in you.

This time next year will not be like this.

And there will be joy along the way.

It is a dark spot in your life, which we all have and feel your pain.

D0lphine · 31/12/2021 23:14

I'd take photos of the messages so I had proof.

Then I'd go and see a divorce solicitor on Monday.

Fuck him. You don't deserve this!

Yummypumpkin · 31/12/2021 23:19

The fact he isn't even picking up on your heartbreak shows what a thoughtless, selfish, entitled man he is. I'm so sorry.

Original poster
Tic221 · 31/12/2021 23:23

I've come back down
I don't want my dc to associate Christmas and new year with bad times.

OP posts:
Lennon80 · 31/12/2021 23:23

So shitty his behaviour - it’s all the prelude to a physical affair - he’s just not gone that far yet but he will given time. Hold your water on this one for now is be playing the long game if you can? So sorry OP you must feel sick to the stomach.

Onthedunes · 31/12/2021 23:25

Hide his phone and turn it to silent.

Yummypumpkin · 31/12/2021 23:26

@Tic221

I've come back down I don't want my dc to associate Christmas and new year with bad times.
You're very brave. And quite right. I'm sure there'll be lots of us for ages, likewise if you want to step away from the thread, know that we all support you. I don't think a single person has been anything but totally understanding of how troubling this is.
Original poster
Tic221 · 31/12/2021 23:31

@Yummypumpkin no this thread has made me feel sane today.
I appreciate it all so much

I've told nobody else.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tic221 · 31/12/2021 23:32

His phone is next to me.

Hidden in plain sight.

She must be busy.

OP posts:
Yummypumpkin · 31/12/2021 23:33

@Tic221

His phone is next to me.

Hidden in plain sight.

She must be busy.

Queen move.
LiG123 · 31/12/2021 23:38

OP you know you deserve better right.

You come across to genuine and grounded and a fab mummy.

2022 is your year to find Yourself and get happy xxx

Riverlee · 31/12/2021 23:39

I’d be tempted to move it (ie. Hide it) and watch his reaction.

It’ll be interesting to see what happens at midnight. Will he sneak off to the toilet with it.

timeisnotaline · 31/12/2021 23:45

If he says when you talk it’s just light joking, you say I don’t feel that way but if you’re sure then it’s ok for me to share the pictures I took with my friends and our families, if you’re confident it’s just joking I’m sure that’s all they will think too. I’m going to do that because I feel very confident it’s not just joking, that it’s seriously offensive to me and a potential death blow to our marriage so really need more than your very self centred perspective if I’m ever going to change my mind.

He won’t think it’s just joking really.

crochetmonkey74 · 31/12/2021 23:48

His energy is going to her not you. I'm so sorry OP I have been here and my ex told me it was my self esteem and it was all in my head. Be prepared for him to make it your fault

Original poster
Tic221 · 31/12/2021 23:53

I've had a couple of glasses of wine tonight.
Large glasses

In 8 minutes it is going to take everything I have not to throw a glass at him.

My children are so excited that they're up so late.

OP posts:
Yummypumpkin · 31/12/2021 23:58

I like your precision timing!!!

You deserve the wine.

Just (without being a nag) from my experience being a little tipsy when confronting a wrong un has led to me not afterwards being crustal clear on what was said and allowed them to trip me up.

But you sound stronger than I was.

Hawkins001 · 01/01/2022 00:10

@girlmom21

It's an emotional affair. He's had conversations he wouldn't have with friends. Lines have been crossed. I'm sorry.
Reading the op, hardly any lines have been crossed apart from the odd complement it seems ?
Enicks86 · 01/01/2022 00:10

Sending you all the love and strength you need to get through this. Please don't put up with this from him. Be strong, you really are worth more than this x

Hawkins001 · 01/01/2022 00:11

@Tic221

I've had a couple of glasses of wine tonight. Large glasses

In 8 minutes it is going to take everything I have not to throw a glass at him.

My children are so excited that they're up so late.

With all due respect, if this was a guy friend would it make any difference an from.what you have written, it's not like you have any concrete evidence of misdoings unless I've missed some of your perspectives ?
MsDogLady · 01/01/2022 00:12

Yes, this is betrayal and I’m so sorry for your pain. He has damaged and flattened your relationship.

Tic, he doesn’t have to specifically name you to devalue you and your marriage. Look what he told OW after all your loving gestures when he felt ill. He implied that you don’t care. He followed the ‘script’ by lying and rewriting history to garner sympathy and enhance her position as ‘the only one who truly cares.’ He is really working this.

Their seductive chat about their mutual sexual arousal was a ramping-up of this illicit affair. It’s all an appalling betrayal of your trust…happening right under your roof while you and your sweet children sleep.

I agree that he needs a sharp shock and to feel the loss of you. He has has been sneakily cheating for 6 months, and this warrants effective consequences while you consider your options.

Please don’t allow him to shift any blame to you. He and he alone is responsible for his unethical, disloyal behavior.

Keep posting and absorbing our support, Tic. 💕

Hawkins001 · 01/01/2022 00:13

Question all of this was a guy friend would the any of you be fussed ? Also as their is only the odd complement, then there is no concrete evidence of any affair or even suggestions to that effect.

What happened to innocent ?

youvegottenminuteslynn · 01/01/2022 00:27

@Hawkins001

Question all of this was a guy friend would the any of you be fussed ? Also as their is only the odd complement, then there is no concrete evidence of any affair or even suggestions to that effect.

What happened to innocent ?

He mentioned her new profile picture on Facebook and put the winky emoji and said he was going to have trouble going to sleep that night thinking about her and she said I feel the same about you.

This sounds innocent to you does it? Sounds loyal to a spouse? Might need to raise your bar there a bit pal!

Swipe left for the next trending thread