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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I’ve just put my heart on the line

281 replies

2022IamHavingYa · 30/12/2021 22:33

Very long story short.

Met a guy 2 years ago through online dating. Hit it off immediately and had a few months of dating bliss. I got carried away and ruined it by trying to push for a relationship to hard and too soon and when he (rightly so) backed off, I ended it as he was not giving me what I wanted. I immediately regretted my decision and tried to back track and slow down but he took the situation to heart and felt he wasn’t good enough for me and was worried if we tried again I’d hurt him. It was all amicable and I knew I’d thrown away a good thing and was gutted.

18 months have passed by and we keep bumping into each other, then we meet for coffee a couple of times before fading away again. He texts me occasionally and I him, again this ends in a few meets before life takes us our separate ways. Whenever I talk about him to my friend, he pops up on messages. He just (cheesily) feels like my one.

We have been talking a bit recently and he text yesterday and asked if I was free for dinner that evening. He wined and dined me and his company was wonderful. We haven’t been out like that for 16 months and it felt so natural. He was engaging, lots of eye contact, flirty etc.

He text me today to ask about something upsetting I had to do today and we chatted a bit.

Anyway. Long story shorter, I’ve just bitten the bullet and text him to say I want to date him again.
My life and what I want have changed so much the last year. Ive told him what I want and what I can offer in return.

Now it’s a sickening wait for a response!

Handhold please?

OP posts:
Lifeispassingby · 31/12/2021 10:10

OP you’ve said you’ve rejoined apps etc- good for you, now focus on that and not on him. If that means cutting him out then so be it. I was in similar situation with someone before I met DH, wasn’t sure where I stood- were we friends/dating/going anywhere etc. It ended in a similar way to you, and I was sad for a while and felt I should hang on in case things changed because we got on so well and had a great time (and I really liked him). In the end I decided to look to the future and get what I really wanted from life. 3 months later met DH through OLD and got married the next year. There was no doubting when I met DH, when a guy is into you then you will know about it! X

dumplings1 · 31/12/2021 10:14

Glad to hear you're moving on and not let him use you.

AlbertBridge · 31/12/2021 10:21

I'm glad you sorted this out and I'm glad he was honest. Now please block him before you start second-guessing his reply, and thinking, "Well of course he can't commit yet, that's only natural, maybe with some more dates he'll start to see that I'm the one for him..."

Honestly, for your own happiness, block him.

I married a man like him first time round and it was SO BORING. Trust me, there's nothing fun about doubting how much somebody likes you 24/7.

You'll look back and feel nothing but relief that you're not with an agoraphobic IT geek one day, when your lovely fun husband picks you up for a weekend away.

Block him. Block him now. Wish him a lovely 2022 first if you want but then BLOCK HIM.

Beautiful3 · 31/12/2021 10:26

Given your latest update, he likes you but you're not the one. You need to stop meeting up with him and texting him. You don't need another friend. You're wasting your time with him, you will find someone else, who deserves your time. But you can't do that if you're still invested in a dud.

Maskless · 31/12/2021 10:27

@Joystir59

You haven't talked about whether or not you have sex as part of your on and off situation with this man. He could just want a shag now and then. Or that could be you. I'm not reading what you want at all from your posts so far. You want to date him. But you do date him intermittently at the moment. Then it 'fades away'. All very confusing.
I was about to ask this. It's a crucial question to be asked if we are to understand what is going on in this relationship.

If there has been no sex then no wonder he's not invested and is lukewarm. He's looking for someone who wants him sexually. He dates you, finds you don't want him in that way, and naturally thinks you are just not that into him.

If OTOH you have been having sex during these occasional coffee meetings then you are to him just a booty call.

This is just looking at things from his point of view.

I'm not saying you have done anything wrong.

dibly · 31/12/2021 10:28

Sorry it didn’t work out but good for you for finding out. You can move on now with no what if thoughts lingering. I can’t imagine you’ll be single for long, you sound ace!

Goldie2021 · 31/12/2021 10:28

.

GloriaSicTransitMundi · 31/12/2021 10:33

@pictish

I would send a bold reply.

“Thanks for getting back to me. It wasn’t what I wanted to hear, you’re right. I’m looking for someone who adores me, not someone who’s isn’t arsed. I’m glad we were able to establish where we stand. I’ll be leaving it there. Best wishes for the future.”

^ this ^
HaveringWavering · 31/12/2021 10:33

I’d gently suggest that, in future relationships, you actually talk about this kind of stuff rather than putting it in emails or text messages. His “I’ll read and reply later” and “on first review” sounds like the kind of exchange I’d have with someone I was line managing at work. If you can’t find the words to say how you feel in person then the relationship is not right. Good luck.

WonderfulYou · 31/12/2021 10:39

That’s a shame but it’s good he was honest. A lot of men would happily string you along with false promises, so he does se like a decent guy so I understand the attraction.

He’s now said it twice that he doesn’t want anything more so I wouldn’t ask him again. But I’m glad you did ask him a second time else you would have always wondered.
Let us know how you get on with OLD Grin

BTW I would have no idea what you meant with your first text so I’m glad you sent a second.

zafferana · 31/12/2021 10:39

He's just not that into you, unfortunately, and maybe he's never been that into anyone if he's in his 40s and still enjoying being single and doing as he pleases. Not everyone wants to be in a relationship and from what you've told us, he doesn't. Good for you for taking it on the chin and moving on. I honestly think you're wasting your time with him.

Phobiaphobic · 31/12/2021 10:40

Yep, he's a time waster. Many of us have encountered at least one. Move on.

Aloha7373 · 31/12/2021 10:40

Aah, sorry to read his response OP. But I’ve been there - trust me, one day you’ll laugh at how much you cared about this guy!

Personally, I wouldn’t send him a message that made me sound angry/upset at his reaction (I wouldn’t respond to him at all actually, I’d just move on). You’ve already put yourself out there asking for a relationship, and now again with your texts to him - if anything I wouldn’t give him the gratification of an upset reaction, especially as it might just make you sound more needy. I’d just be like “cool, good to know where you stand, have a good 2022 etc bye” and never engage again.

WonderfulYou · 31/12/2021 10:40

Sorry it didn’t work out but good for you for finding out. You can move on now with no what if thoughts lingering. I can’t imagine you’ll be single for long, you sound ace!

I completely agree!!

bluebell34567 · 31/12/2021 10:41

well done op. you dont need to waste any more time on him.

Paq · 31/12/2021 10:45

This was the 🚩for me:

He’s done a 100 mile bike ride today

If you read MN regularly you know never to get into a relationship with a MAMIL.

AlbertBridge · 31/12/2021 10:49

This is confusing:

If there has been no sex then no wonder he's not invested and is lukewarm. He's looking for someone who wants him sexually. He dates you, finds you don't want him in that way, and naturally thinks you are just not that into him.

PLENTY of men manage to treat women in lukewarm ways despite getting loads of sex.

If OTOH you have been having sex during these occasional coffee meetings then you are to him just a booty call.

This seems to clash with your earlier advice? 😆

I hope the OP hasn't bonked this bloke, because she'll find it 💯 easier to move on and forget him if she hasn't shagged him. AND it'll prove that he wasn't a selfish fit to go happily shagging someone he knows he doesn't Wally care about.

Snuggz · 31/12/2021 10:53

@2022IamHavingYa

So he replied again last night and basically did his usual. I like you, I think you are great and I want to keep seeing you but don’t want to commit to anything. He did say he knew that wasn’t what I wanted to hear.

It was exactly as I expected so I joined the apps again this morning a s won’t give him any more of my time 😊

It’s good that you recognise he’s not into you, but I don’t think rejoining dating apps should be your priority. Perhaps you should take this time to be alone, focus on yourself and just enjoying being single. Maybe even seek some counselling to explore why you have set the bar so low for yourself with regards to men that you were willing to waste 2 years on someone who told you within weeks he wasn’t interested.

It’s not even been a few hours since he said that to you, rejoining dating apps will just be you wasting your own time as part of you subconsciously still wants to be with him so realistically you are not in the right headspace to give dating other men a chance. You’ll just end up pining for this guy and no doubt will rekindle texting/meeting up and the cycle will continue until another few years have passed and you feel like getting egg on your face again.

Butchyrestingface · 31/12/2021 10:57

So he replied again last night and basically did his usual. I like you, I think you are great and I want to keep seeing you but don’t want to commit to anything. He did say he knew that wasn’t what I wanted to hear.

Does that mean he wants to be free to shag other people?

I honestly don't understand dating etiquette these days.

Glad OP has seen the light on this one though.

TheOccupier · 31/12/2021 10:57

I think your message was a mistake. If you really want this guy you will have to play very hard to get. Buy "The Rules" and follow it to the letter. Yes it's bollocks, but it works, at least on men like this.

supercali77 · 31/12/2021 11:00

The rules has some interesting notions but I dont think its worthwhile unless authentically you just get on with your life and have a serious bar set. Self respect and care just sets it. Any man that can be had only through the various rules is not one worth having, imagine how exhausting that would be. Like training a horse to behave itself. Some of them come pre trained

LampLighter414 · 31/12/2021 11:03

Can I ask how old are you OP?

HTH1 · 31/12/2021 11:05

@TheOccupier

I think your message was a mistake. If you really want this guy you will have to play very hard to get. Buy "The Rules" and follow it to the letter. Yes it's bollocks, but it works, at least on men like this.
Agree. Ditch this one (best not to answer the text) and don’t meet up with him again but he would have to be really, really in love with you not to have been put off by your text.
PurpleThursdays · 31/12/2021 11:07

Well done OP 🙌 wish I'd have binned timewasters like this off in the past. You're awesome.

Coffeepot72 · 31/12/2021 11:11

I had someone like this before meeting my DH. I was keen and had a similar talk to you. He wanted it to stay as it was. We both went away separately with friends some time after that talk. I met my DH on holiday and came back, told him and ended whatever thing we had. He was gutted but I knew instantly I could be comfortable with DH. DH and I did long distance for a while. We’re now married 10 years with two kids. (So you might not need those apps after all

I had a similar experience. It wasn’t until I dumped Mr Indecisive that he realised I was the love of his life. Ironically though, he would never have wanted me properly if I was available.

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