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Original poster

I’ve just put my heart on the line

281 replies

2022IamHavingYa · 30/12/2021 22:33

Very long story short.

Met a guy 2 years ago through online dating. Hit it off immediately and had a few months of dating bliss. I got carried away and ruined it by trying to push for a relationship to hard and too soon and when he (rightly so) backed off, I ended it as he was not giving me what I wanted. I immediately regretted my decision and tried to back track and slow down but he took the situation to heart and felt he wasn’t good enough for me and was worried if we tried again I’d hurt him. It was all amicable and I knew I’d thrown away a good thing and was gutted.

18 months have passed by and we keep bumping into each other, then we meet for coffee a couple of times before fading away again. He texts me occasionally and I him, again this ends in a few meets before life takes us our separate ways. Whenever I talk about him to my friend, he pops up on messages. He just (cheesily) feels like my one.

We have been talking a bit recently and he text yesterday and asked if I was free for dinner that evening. He wined and dined me and his company was wonderful. We haven’t been out like that for 16 months and it felt so natural. He was engaging, lots of eye contact, flirty etc.

He text me today to ask about something upsetting I had to do today and we chatted a bit.

Anyway. Long story shorter, I’ve just bitten the bullet and text him to say I want to date him again.
My life and what I want have changed so much the last year. Ive told him what I want and what I can offer in return.

Now it’s a sickening wait for a response!

Handhold please?

OP posts:
LadyNell · 31/12/2021 11:18

His answer is the same as as what you said to him, you said you can't give him a relationship and he said he couldn't commit so you are both on the same page.....just date each other

Flowers500 · 31/12/2021 11:31

You were 100% right to dump him the first time, never ever regret having standards

Doggosaurus · 31/12/2021 11:41

@LadyNell

His answer is the same as as what you said to him, you said you can't give him a relationship and he said he couldn't commit so you are both on the same page.....just date each other
This.
DrGoogleSaysSo · 31/12/2021 11:47

Block him for good now OP so you won't waste any more time on him.

anon12345678901 · 31/12/2021 11:49

@LadyNell

His answer is the same as as what you said to him, you said you can't give him a relationship and he said he couldn't commit so you are both on the same page.....just date each other
Yeah, if I'm honest I don't see the difference between what you want and he wants.
Excitedforthefuture · 31/12/2021 11:52

* He’s bloody hard work! But that’s the attraction. *

Are you 14?

WonderfulYou · 31/12/2021 12:11

His answer is the same as as what you said to him, you said you can't give him a relationship and he said he couldn't commit so you are both on the same page.....just date each other

No he’s either aware OP will want something more in the future or he doesn’t want to date her at all.

He’s said it twice now and has tried to be as clear as possible. He’s trying to tell her nicely that’s not what he wants. If he wanted a no strings attached thing he would have just said.
OP would be silly to ask a third time.

We don’t know the extent of their relationship, he could be gay, already be with someone else or just enjoying being single. and doing what he wants.

crochetmonkey74 · 31/12/2021 12:12

@LadyNell

His answer is the same as as what you said to him, you said you can't give him a relationship and he said he couldn't commit so you are both on the same page.....just date each other
I think OP had watered down what she wants to be with him though (sorry if that is not right OP)
Doggydoodah123 · 31/12/2021 12:13

If it were me I wouldn't be having anymore contact with this man, friendship or otherwise. He does indeed sound like hard work and his first reply to your message was frustrating enough. I would hate to try and force a relationship with someone who didn't seem all that bothered, I would want them to be 100% sure and to feel like they couldn't live without me. Don't settle for this drip of a man.

db33 · 31/12/2021 12:15

Good for you deciding to move on OP.
I've had men like this in my life when I was younger. I'd hoped for a more serious relationship even though they were clearly leading me on or just wanting sex when it suited them.
You can't change someone and you certainly shouldn't change who you are for anyone either.
Your 'Mr Right' will want to show you how important you are to him and make you feel special, not make you feel like you need to keep chasing him and hoping he'll eventually want you.
I'm now very happily married with a husband who still adores me after 20 years and I feel the same.
Don't settle for less than you deserve.
I'd cut this guy out completely now, he's in his 40's, not a child and he's playing games with you.
Go out and find someone who deserves your time. Good Luck. x

BrimfulOfBaba · 31/12/2021 12:21

@2022IamHavingYa

So he replied again last night and basically did his usual. I like you, I think you are great and I want to keep seeing you but don’t want to commit to anything. He did say he knew that wasn’t what I wanted to hear.

It was exactly as I expected so I joined the apps again this morning a s won’t give him any more of my time 😊

Isn't this essentially what you said you wanted in your text to him?
Pumperthepumper · 31/12/2021 12:26

@LadyNell

His answer is the same as as what you said to him, you said you can't give him a relationship and he said he couldn't commit so you are both on the same page.....just date each other
This is what I thought too, has he not just agreed he wants the same as you? Dating but no massive commitment?
Doggosaurus · 31/12/2021 12:28

That is what you told him you wanted too. You couldn’t commit to a relationship.
So your text to him wasn’t true then, since you are dumping him even though you got just what you said you wanted? 🤔

Next time, just be honest. And talk to the person you want a relationship with for real.

HelenGraham2121 · 31/12/2021 12:32

There's a lot of men in their 40s OLD who have never been married, never had children and really aren't capable and don't want those committed permanent relationships. It's hard to weed them out because they are often attractive prospects - but honestly they don't want to progress, they are happy as they are and you are just one of hundreds of women who think they might change

This, early 40s and presumably not been married, had kids etc is significant.

If they settle at all, it'll be "late" with a significantly you ger woman .

Doggosaurus · 31/12/2021 12:34

I’m thinking you are both playing the same stupid game. You telling him that you don’t want a relationship, just dating. Him reading your text thinking, ok so then I’ll tell her that is what I want too or else she might back off.
You thinking, nah actually that wasn’t what I wanted for real so I’ll just skip it then thanks. 😂

youvegottenminuteslynn · 31/12/2021 12:34

He told you he's up for exactly what you said you were up for - dating but not looking for a "full on relationship."

I actually think he might be a relatively decent chap as he could have taken you at your word but perhaps knows you would like a full on relationship but were trying to say what you thought he wanted to hear.

Either way, in future please don't pretend you want something different to what you want as it never ends well even if in the short term you end up having some dates with the guy!

Doggosaurus · 31/12/2021 12:35

And now you’re both lonely. Oh the irony. 😂

oakleaffy · 31/12/2021 12:41

@2022IamHavingYa
He does sound like very hard work
You deserve a partner who is properly into you.
I once laid bare hoe I felt -a comment like your Kryptonite-
I said “
My heart’s in zero gravity”

  • a lyric quote-
So so wish I’d not said it- He basically said it was the chase that was what kept him keen Once I’d been “ Caught”he lost interest.

He wasn’t at all a nice person, and it took me a while to recover emotionally.
He too tried to reel me in again after a failed brief relationship with another woman, but I said I was busy, and not interested.
Never saw him again.

SVRT19674 · 31/12/2021 12:42

I´m sorry OP but I think he isn´t that into you. Dinner dates and sleeping together fine, but nothing else. He is quite aware that you aren´t being candid when you say you want what you don´t really want. Don´t lie about your needs just to have a guy for some time. He is in his 40s, like my brother in law. He isn´t interested in relationships either. Look for someone on the same page as you. I also think you were right to dump him the first time.

oakleaffy · 31/12/2021 12:43

@HelenGraham2121

There's a lot of men in their 40s OLD who have never been married, never had children and really aren't capable and don't want those committed permanent relationships. It's hard to weed them out because they are often attractive prospects - but honestly they don't want to progress, they are happy as they are and you are just one of hundreds of women who think they might change

This, early 40s and presumably not been married, had kids etc is significant.

If they settle at all, it'll be "late" with a significantly you ger woman .

Spot on!! That’s what I’ve seen time after time.
Opus17 · 31/12/2021 13:01

@Lalliella

But you said you couldn’t commit either!

Isn’t he saying something similar to what you said??

I don’t understand this modern dating malarkey!

I'm glad I'm not the only one who thought this. This thread has left me ridiculously confused. op says she doesn't want a relationship and wants to date and see how things go. Says she's independent but missing him in her life (which is quite full on imo and doesn't fit with the "relaxed" approach). Then guy messages back basically saying what the op said, so happy to date but not looking to commit, and suddenly it wasn't what she wanted to hear.

I'm a bit confused about it all!

Outlyingtrout · 31/12/2021 13:23

This is so confusing. You said you want to date him but you can’t commit to a relationship. He replied and said that he wants to keep seeing you but can’t commit to anything either. So aren’t you both on the same page? Either that or the pair of you are playing games and not being honest (I.e. you actually do want a committed relationship, or the promise of one, and he wants no strings sex).

I think you make a terrible match and seem to being out the worst in each other in terms of dramatics and teenage angst. I’d forget it and learn from the experience. You don’t need to play games if he’s the right guy.

unname · 31/12/2021 13:24

I am also confused and would be very uncomfortable if man I was dating casually sent me a message like the OP sent. It doesn't seem laid back or honest.

NatashaBedwouldbenice · 31/12/2021 13:26

I’d stop reading this thread now OP, the ratio of hectoring, patronising and offensive replies is only going to go up now.

rocky1914 · 31/12/2021 13:33

A few of the pp's have asked but it doesn't appear OP has answered the question.

OP sounds young tbh. Either that, or just quite emotionally immature. Even the wording of the original text sounds young.

The idea of enjoying chasing a man definitely undoubtedly sounds young.

I will say though that the bashing is completely unnecessary. OP is human just like the rest of us. She made a mistake. Big deal. No need to crucify her ffs.

Big girl panties on, OP. Plenty more fish in the sea. Trust me on that one Wink

Good luck

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