I’ve just put my heart on the line

[2022IamHavingYa]

Very long story short.

Met a guy 2 years ago through online dating. Hit it off immediately and had a few months of dating bliss. I got carried away and ruined it by trying to push for a relationship to hard and too soon and when he (rightly so) backed off, I ended it as he was not giving me what I wanted. I immediately regretted my decision and tried to back track and slow down but he took the situation to heart and felt he wasn’t good enough for me and was worried if we tried again I’d hurt him. It was all amicable and I knew I’d thrown away a good thing and was gutted.

18 months have passed by and we keep bumping into each other, then we meet for coffee a couple of times before fading away again. He texts me occasionally and I him, again this ends in a few meets before life takes us our separate ways. Whenever I talk about him to my friend, he pops up on messages. He just (cheesily) feels like my one.

We have been talking a bit recently and he text yesterday and asked if I was free for dinner that evening. He wined and dined me and his company was wonderful. We haven’t been out like that for 16 months and it felt so natural. He was engaging, lots of eye contact, flirty etc.

He text me today to ask about something upsetting I had to do today and we chatted a bit.

Anyway. Long story shorter, I’ve just bitten the bullet and text him to say I want to date him again.
My life and what I want have changed so much the last year. Ive told him what I want and what I can offer in return.

Now it’s a sickening wait for a response!

Handhold please?

But you said you couldn’t commit either!

Isn’t he saying something similar to what you said??

I don’t understand this modern dating malarkey!

@furbabymama87

Ahh don't feel you have to change for a man. This all seems a bit off to me. You shouldn't have to limit your expectations of a relationship to fit around what some guy wants.

I agree with this. You are perfectly entitled to a relationship where you put each other first, spend time together, communicate honestly and within a reasonable time frame. Do you actually want to spend your life waiting for days for a text reply or worrying that every time you ask to do something together you are coming across as too full-on? Proper grown ups are able to handle this. Just because you've had bad online dating experiences doesn't mean that he is the one for you.

I’m glad you got a reply and are moving on OP.

For what it’s worth I was “seeing” someone I was really keen on this year but didn’t realise he wasn’t that into me. Now am seeing someone from my past who is really into me and I like him too but taking it slowly.

Good for you for cutting to the chase. You were brave. And you can now crack on and find someone who isn’t so “challenging”

• what’s that all about? Were one of your parents emotionally distant growing up that you had to work at gaining their attention or approval? Maybe this dynamic feels familiar to you - but know that it’s not balanced, easy, reciprocal or mutual.

You are worth so much more than playing that begging, adapting dance and deserve so much more than this.

Agreed with @ESGdance - you’re worth so much more than adapting, begging to be with some man! It was brave of you to send your texts though. Online dating can be hard and especially over lockdown (so past 18 months in your case with this man) but it can bring out some right idiots who are destined to mess women around.

I also wouldn’t make excuses re someone’s possible autism and type as making it hard to communicate but I’ve often found in the end they’re just as succinct as NT types in spelling out what they want and don’t want, from a relationship.

@Antiqueanniesmagiclanternshow

Wasn't kryptonite the stuff that killed superman?

I thought this. I woukd have taken this as a negative trait about me if a man texted it to me. As in 'you drain me ' butI want to be with you anyway. Odd way to put it

Well done OP, nothing ventured, nothing gained. You've got a clear answer now and move forward.

I had one like this in my late teens. My friends called him ChrisTheWanker. He was absolutely gorgeous and great fun to be with. I knew we would be amazing together. He would say all of the right things but then, 3 times out of 4, let me down. And to be honest, I was too naïve, idealistic and straight for him. I had zero game and thus zero intrigue.
It took me an embarrassingly long time to pay attention to his actions and not his words.

Well done for being straightforward - and for recognising that it is best to move away from the situation as you'll never get what you want from him.

Wishing you the best of luck with dating in 2022. Cheers !

@babybrain77

I dated a man like this before I met my DH. I really felt like he was the one and I got a thrill from the "challenge". But looking back I was never comfortable or confident because I never knew exactly where I stood. Keep looking OP - find someone who worships the ground you walk on (and vice versa), it's so much better.

I did this lots too. It seemed exciting and 'dangerous'. Oh the thrill of the chase . But then I met my now second husband. He replied when I texted him and he texted me with open questions....an actual conversation. He wanted to see me and he was delighted that I was me. It was a revelation that I could be with someone who really, really wanted to be there, to just hang about ....with me as much as I wanted to hang about with him. Find yourself something that's easy Op. All the games and having to analyse what someone means by this or that is sooooo exhausting.

What a time waster he turned put to be! All the best for 2022 op I hope you meant someone worthy. Please come back and let us know :)

OLD is a gift for these emotionally unavailable guys - they like the no expectations, but back in the real world it's such an unfulfilling place to be.

He's just not that into you.
If he was he would want to be exclusive and be in a defined relationship.

There's a lot of men in their 40s OLD who have never been married, never had children and really aren't capable and don't want those committed permanent relationships. It's hard to weed them out because they are often attractive prospects - but honestly they don't want to progress, they are happy as they are and you are just one of hundreds of women who think they might change

are you sure you havent just idealised an emotionally stunted man?

I'd reply fair enough. No hard feelings. And then block him.

Well done for putting yourself out there and not hankering after him. He is kryptonite alright! Next.

Ah well at least you know for sure.

Fwiw I don’t think you did anything wrong the first time round and it sounds like you’re just on different pages, and he probably would never be able to give you what you need and deserve.

Sorry about the reply but good on you for knowing what you want/need and being brave enough to state it.
It sounds like the 'you' of a year or so back would have been left dangling but you're not having that anymore.
That attitude can bring disappointment in the short term but is much better for your long term wellbeing

If you want to be happy in a relationship, may I suggest you steer away from men who are hard work? I know it is attractive to you for some reason, but it's just going to lead you to pain, time and time again. deliberately avoid that shit.

@Branleuse

are you sure you havent just idealised an emotionally stunted man?

Bang on.

I think he's been very honest and a 40 year old, on the spectrum who has his own life and his own interests may find it a huge transition (and not an easy or successful one) to embark on what you would look at as a 'traditional' relationship. My ex tried so hard with me and then with his next partner but just couldn't do it. He really wanted it to work but it just didn't.

Now you know where you stand with this guy....he is not for you!

Hope you meet someone lovely and can give you exactly what you want in the new year!

What a waste of time he is and what a waste of your last 18 months on this guy. He won’t let you move on by popping on all the time so block him. He will soon meet the one. You are time the in betweener.

@pictish

I would send a bold reply.

“Thanks for getting back to me. It wasn’t what I wanted to hear, you’re right. I’m looking for someone who adores me, not someone who’s isn’t arsed. I’m glad we were able to establish where we stand. I’ll be leaving it there. Best wishes for the future.”

This is great. Well done OP I really admire how honest and forthright you are. I've been with men like this and it's so easy to waste your life on them, whilst missing better opportunities. This is your year! You've started it brilliantly

I seem to have slipped through a time warp into Mumsnet circa 1850.

I'm glad you're moving on op. In your message it was clear you were trying to say what he would want you to say, you 'can't offer a full on relationship' etc..when in actual fact that's what you want. Falling for someone shouldn't be this much hard work. He wants you there as a back up option until he finds better, that's the harsh reality.

I am sorry but he is wasting your time.

You did not 'push for a relationship', you made your needs and expectations clear which is perfectly acceptable. You did not want to waste your time dating someone who wanted something different from you. He could not provide you with what you wanted so things ended.

I am afraid he is doing it again (wasting your time). Your message was clear . A man who was really keen on you would have responded to your text fairly quickly .

Stop waiting for this man and get on with your life...