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Original poster

I’ve just put my heart on the line

281 replies

2022IamHavingYa · 30/12/2021 22:33

Very long story short.

Met a guy 2 years ago through online dating. Hit it off immediately and had a few months of dating bliss. I got carried away and ruined it by trying to push for a relationship to hard and too soon and when he (rightly so) backed off, I ended it as he was not giving me what I wanted. I immediately regretted my decision and tried to back track and slow down but he took the situation to heart and felt he wasn’t good enough for me and was worried if we tried again I’d hurt him. It was all amicable and I knew I’d thrown away a good thing and was gutted.

18 months have passed by and we keep bumping into each other, then we meet for coffee a couple of times before fading away again. He texts me occasionally and I him, again this ends in a few meets before life takes us our separate ways. Whenever I talk about him to my friend, he pops up on messages. He just (cheesily) feels like my one.

We have been talking a bit recently and he text yesterday and asked if I was free for dinner that evening. He wined and dined me and his company was wonderful. We haven’t been out like that for 16 months and it felt so natural. He was engaging, lots of eye contact, flirty etc.

He text me today to ask about something upsetting I had to do today and we chatted a bit.

Anyway. Long story shorter, I’ve just bitten the bullet and text him to say I want to date him again.
My life and what I want have changed so much the last year. Ive told him what I want and what I can offer in return.

Now it’s a sickening wait for a response!

Handhold please?

OP posts:
AffableApple · 31/12/2021 13:42

@gofigureit

OLD is a gift for these emotionally unavailable guys - they like the no expectations, but back in the real world it's such an unfulfilling place to be.

He's just not that into you.
If he was he would want to be exclusive and be in a defined relationship.

There's a lot of men in their 40s OLD who have never been married, never had children and really aren't capable and don't want those committed permanent relationships. It's hard to weed them out because they are often attractive prospects - but honestly they don't want to progress, they are happy as they are and you are just one of hundreds of women who think they might change

All of this - minus the kids thing. He's just not into you.
GiftWrappingLikeItsXmasEve · 31/12/2021 13:48

New Year, new possibilities. You were right to ask and it’s a shame he doesn’t feel/want the same. I think you needed to know. Flowers

RantyAunty · 31/12/2021 14:20

Go to youtube and type in never chase a man
There are 100s of videos talking about this.

concernedalot · 31/12/2021 14:42

He's probably more interested in having a relationship with his bike if he's like any other typical MAMIL. But seriously, it sounds like he just wants to keep you dangling.. but you were a bit too keen in that message about kryptonite. I think this guy has the potential to frustrate you and break your heart, probably best to move on and find someone who can be excited about you. Sorry it's hard

Thevalley · 31/12/2021 14:51

I'm shocked at ppl saying go for it and good luck.
When a man likes you it's blatantly obvious.

Derbee · 31/12/2021 14:55

I’m sorry, but he’s using you. He likes the ego boost, but he’s always going to be a waste of your time. Your latest update confirms that. Find someone that deserves you in 2022!

Momijin · 31/12/2021 15:06

Actually op, well done for asking things to be made clear so you don't waste any more time and energy on him.

You sound fun, sparkly and passionate, I'm sure you'll meet someone much better suited to you soon. Have a great new years !

HermioneHere · 31/12/2021 15:12

Stop chasing. Gawd. The reason he backed off in the first place is because you're so full on. He's someone who likes to take his time and feel like the hunt is on. A lot of men are like that. Have the dignity and self-composure and self-belief to enable that chase to happen.

Just as he was getting interested again, asking you out for one dinner, you're immediately in there FULL ON 1000000% and demanded an 'arrangement'. Stating this, stating that, needing certainty. Why are you so insecure?

I don't think you're compatible. You're too needy. I would hate for this to happen to me the other way around with anyone.

I don't like full on people, I take my time and think and peruse.

It's not that he's not that into you it's that you are too darned easy.

As someone else said above, learn not to chase. You blew it.

I say this from experience. It was the biggest lesson of my life with regards to dating and one that has been infinitely valuable and enabled me to get married.

I learned not to chase. Stop chasing. And everything will turn out as it should.

Starcup · 31/12/2021 15:13

@2022IamHavingYa

So he replied again last night and basically did his usual. I like you, I think you are great and I want to keep seeing you but don’t want to commit to anything. He did say he knew that wasn’t what I wanted to hear.

It was exactly as I expected so I joined the apps again this morning a s won’t give him any more of my time 😊

Good for you OP, you deserve someone willing to give you what you need and deserve. Hope you meet the man of your dreams.
HermioneHere · 31/12/2021 15:21

In any relationship you must always be able to walk away. No one is your kryptonite. You are your kryptonite. No one completes you so perfectly as yourself. Learn to love yourself more and believe you deserve the very best. You do deserve the very best OP.

Gonnagetgoing · 31/12/2021 15:28

@HermioneHere

Stop chasing. Gawd. The reason he backed off in the first place is because you're so full on. He's someone who likes to take his time and feel like the hunt is on. A lot of men are like that. Have the dignity and self-composure and self-belief to enable that chase to happen.

Just as he was getting interested again, asking you out for one dinner, you're immediately in there FULL ON 1000000% and demanded an 'arrangement'. Stating this, stating that, needing certainty. Why are you so insecure?

I don't think you're compatible. You're too needy. I would hate for this to happen to me the other way around with anyone.

I don't like full on people, I take my time and think and peruse.

It's not that he's not that into you it's that you are too darned easy.

As someone else said above, learn not to chase. You blew it.

I say this from experience. It was the biggest lesson of my life with regards to dating and one that has been infinitely valuable and enabled me to get married.

I learned not to chase. Stop chasing. And everything will turn out as it should.

@HermioneHere - agreed re the no chasing. I think I’ve gone through stages of chasing and not and most men definitely prefer the no chasing or not too much.

I’ve also been told I’m not mysterious enough.

So in my latest relationship I’ve paid attention to both these issues.

dottiedodah · 31/12/2021 15:44

If hes 40ish and interested in his bike ,business etc .Hes got to this age without wanting to settle down . There is nothing wrong with you OP, and a lot wrong with him! I never understand these guys who never want to settle down /get into RL etc ,but still want the thrills of OLD! Lots of people like OLD for a good time sure ,but others are looking seriously for a long term partner! Be true to yourself have a good look around, and chat casually to some more guys if you can .Believe me if they are keen you will know all about it .Some people are happy on their own some arent .Thats the crux of the matter here I think .

dottiedodah · 31/12/2021 15:46

Hermoniehere WTF does not "mysterious enough mean?!"

AlbertBridge · 31/12/2021 15:54

Just as he was getting interested again, asking you out for one dinner, you're immediately in there FULL ON 1000000% and demanded an 'arrangement'.

I do agree with this. But let's not forget he asked her out for a last-minute dinner. The OP should have said no to that (as The Rules would have us do) and then it would've been game on.

daisiesonmydress · 31/12/2021 15:58

Fuck that.

Move on and dump his friendship. You don't need to be someone's 'you'll do for now'.

1Ta1T · 31/12/2021 16:03

Wouldn't stuff like this be easier via an actual face-to-face conversation rather than an exchange of texts? Or am I being hopelessly old-fashioned?

Ellowyn · 31/12/2021 16:11

"I've told him what I want and what I can offer in return."

You went about it as if it was a business deal which was very wrong because that's not how romance or even friendships start. What was wrong in just meeting up with him/dating and letting things take a natural course?

Heshcher · 31/12/2021 16:13

I'm glad you've decided to put this guy behind you OP. He sounds like he's trying to play the field. You dated happily for MONTHS and he still wasn't ready for a relationship. That's because he doesn't want a relationship with you. I imagine he was seeing someone else for most of the last 18 months and things just ended up with her so he appeared in your life again. You're just a filler between women he likes more and you deserve more than that.

sunnyzweibrucken · 31/12/2021 16:27

@LadyNell

His answer is the same as as what you said to him, you said you can't give him a relationship and he said he couldn't commit so you are both on the same page.....just date each other
I actually think she wanted more than that but didn't want to be vulnerable and admit to it. I've told myself the same just to shield myself from the possible heartbreak if the person wasn't that into me.
HermioneHere · 31/12/2021 16:43

@dottiedodah Life is a mystery, is it not?

Over-sharing at the start can be very off-putting.

I don't want all the info. Be enigmatic, be a curiosity. Routines are the bedrock and yet the bane of our lives. Lust and the early stages is all about freshness, excitement, yearning, desire.

Mystery is what allows us to conjure thoughts in our head about what you might or might not be.

When you wap it out on the table and DEMAND or "state your terms" it's pretty off-putting.

Allow the mystery, the love story to unfold. Don't send me dick picks ( woman's version). Don't make demands. If it's meant to be, it meant to be.

Be strong enough to know that on your own you are enough. You don't need someone to complete you. When you know that inside out it will always give you good standards. You will never be a doormat and you will always be a bit of mystery and admired, because you have a core of strength that no one can take away from you. I am with my partner because I choose to be with them, not because I need them.

Humans love novelty. They seek it out.

Why do we wrap Xmas presents? Why do we go on holiday to new places? Why do we buy new lingerie? Why do we love new things?

Curiosity, mystery, neophilia.

You as a human being are no different :)

dottiedodah · 31/12/2021 16:57

Hermioniehere Yes I hear you .I have been married a long time, but DD seems to have this same sort of problem! I was simply commenting that the OP seems to be on a different page to this guy .While in the early stages its good to take it slow and be a little enigmatic ,after a year or so of this on off dating for her she need to know where she stands .Obv as you say do not give too much of yourself either .Many women today do not "need" partners per se .however life on your own must be lonely ,or so many people wouldnt be on OLD or other sites seeking a partner .

Coffeepot72 · 31/12/2021 17:01

Neophilia??? @HermioneHere, doesn’t that mean having sex with dead people? Did something go wrong with the kryptonite?

HaveringWavering · 31/12/2021 17:04

@Coffeepot72

Neophilia??? *@HermioneHere*, doesn’t that mean having sex with dead people? Did something go wrong with the kryptonite?
Ha ha, you’re getting confused with NECROphilia!

Neophilia is a love of new things.

Coffeepot72 · 31/12/2021 17:05

Aw, sorry! 😃😃

Unsure33 · 31/12/2021 17:12

I am still confused . So what is the difference between him still wanting to see you and you saying you wanted to date ?

You said you did not want a full on relationship and so did he ?

So I am not sure you were that far apart unless your message to him was not what you really wanted ?