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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I’ve just put my heart on the line

281 replies

2022IamHavingYa · 30/12/2021 22:33

Very long story short.

Met a guy 2 years ago through online dating. Hit it off immediately and had a few months of dating bliss. I got carried away and ruined it by trying to push for a relationship to hard and too soon and when he (rightly so) backed off, I ended it as he was not giving me what I wanted. I immediately regretted my decision and tried to back track and slow down but he took the situation to heart and felt he wasn’t good enough for me and was worried if we tried again I’d hurt him. It was all amicable and I knew I’d thrown away a good thing and was gutted.

18 months have passed by and we keep bumping into each other, then we meet for coffee a couple of times before fading away again. He texts me occasionally and I him, again this ends in a few meets before life takes us our separate ways. Whenever I talk about him to my friend, he pops up on messages. He just (cheesily) feels like my one.

We have been talking a bit recently and he text yesterday and asked if I was free for dinner that evening. He wined and dined me and his company was wonderful. We haven’t been out like that for 16 months and it felt so natural. He was engaging, lots of eye contact, flirty etc.

He text me today to ask about something upsetting I had to do today and we chatted a bit.

Anyway. Long story shorter, I’ve just bitten the bullet and text him to say I want to date him again.
My life and what I want have changed so much the last year. Ive told him what I want and what I can offer in return.

Now it’s a sickening wait for a response!

Handhold please?

OP posts:
Original poster
2022IamHavingYa · 31/12/2021 08:25

So he replied again last night and basically did his usual. I like you, I think you are great and I want to keep seeing you but don’t want to commit to anything. He did say he knew that wasn’t what I wanted to hear.

It was exactly as I expected so I joined the apps again this morning a s won’t give him any more of my time 😊

OP posts:
JaffaCakeGal · 31/12/2021 08:25

He doesn't seem interested to me sorry to say. I've had my fair share of these men dangling me on a thread throwing tit bits before and it's exhausting.

Camperbann · 31/12/2021 08:27

At least he's been honest, I expect he will message again at some point but I'd really recommend cutting him loose and moving on.

PurplePansy05 · 31/12/2021 08:28

Sorry OP. You're better off without this type of men in your life though, total time wasters. Please don't try to mould yourself or your expectations to please such types. Been there, done that, it never works and it never makes you happy. Good luck!

babybrain77 · 31/12/2021 08:30

I dated a man like this before I met my DH. I really felt like he was the one and I got a thrill from the "challenge". But looking back I was never comfortable or confident because I never knew exactly where I stood. Keep looking OP - find someone who worships the ground you walk on (and vice versa), it's so much better.

Mermaidwaves · 31/12/2021 08:30

I think you're giving him a lot of power here, the Kryptonite part definitely implies that he has a big hold on you, don't give him that advantage over you.

Telling him you don't want a relationship is not being honest, I feel you're saying that to try and win him over, OP don't do that! You deserve to have a relationship, not be led a merry dance by him.

I think he understood your message and he doesn't feel the same. You're the fallback girl, I've been there and its agony. They like you, but not enough to make it official. Trust me when they do meet a girl they properly like they get onto a relationship very quickly and you have to watch from the sidelines with your self confidence seeping away.

If you dont get a clear positive reply today you really need to let this one go so you dont get hurt. Good luck OP.

Mermaidwaves · 31/12/2021 08:32

Sorry OP I just saw your update, onwards and upwards and good on you for realising you can do better.

HereticFanjo · 31/12/2021 08:33

@2022IamHavingYa

So he replied again last night and basically did his usual. I like you, I think you are great and I want to keep seeing you but don’t want to commit to anything. He did say he knew that wasn’t what I wanted to hear.

It was exactly as I expected so I joined the apps again this morning a s won’t give him any more of my time 😊

Good decision to move on OP.
Ang06 · 31/12/2021 08:33

Echoing the comments of ‘don’t change who you are for someone’.
And adding a comment of ‘he is telling you who he is’ and he probably won’t change.

I had a geeky software husband who never answered phone calls or texts. I could laugh it off early on. But it stopped being laughable when it was a medical emergency and I he wouldn’t respond.

Same husband was also ‘hard work’. I was up for the work in the dating days. But once I had kids there was enough work with the kids without the husband being hard work as well.

If you enjoy the chase - catch and release - or chase someone worth catching.

pictish · 31/12/2021 08:33

Basically, if he’s not champing at the bit to get a chance with you, he’s not the one for you. He isn’t, so he’s not.

I’m going to be honest and say I think your text is quite full on.

“I’ve changed a lot the last 18 months. I’m not the person I was when I first met you.
I love my life, my career and being able to do what I like, but I’m lacking something and that something is you.”

That’s pretty direct, which I admire you for…but going on to say you’re not looking for a relationship is confusing because that’s patently not true.

There is an element of ‘I’ll be whoever you want’ in your message which is a bit worrying because that’s still being intense. I’m guessing that’s just you and your honest, direct and giving personality. You like him and you’re letting him know it. That’s ok.

I think you need to find a guy who appreciates your passion and vigour and can match it with his own. This tepid, reluctant man isn’t it. If you have to coax anything out, it’s not worth putting in.

See what he says…good luck. I think you can do better. Xx

OnwardsAndSideways1 · 31/12/2021 08:35

I think the OP already has her reply...

I admire you OP because you put yourself out there as you just had to know you had asked. Now you know the answer you can move on. So much better than pining for him for another couple of years of your lovely youth (I'm guessing you are not an old dater like me!)

I would not go on any more dinner dates like the last one. He called you up and asked you at the last minute- that tells you something, he expects you to come running any time but has nothing substantial to offer. I would now block and move on, he's not for you. Don't remain his fallback option, why should you? Good luck with it all, there is a dating thread in Relationships, someone also mentioned Matthew Hussey, might get some ideas there, plus 'He's just not that into you' is the old classic but is sooo useful!

Loudestcat14 · 31/12/2021 08:35

I'm so glad you've decided to pursue other avenues, OP, because having read the full thread and the updates, it's clear he's just not that into you. If he was, you'd be together now and would have been for the past 18 months. He's happy to date you as something to do around his cycling, but he's never going to throw himself into a relationship with you or possibly anyone else. And honestly, when you meet The One, it's never this hard or this angsty, hence them being The One! Good luck with your dating in 2022, I hope this is the year you find that someone special. Flowers

SimpsonsXmasBoogie · 31/12/2021 08:37

@2022IamHavingYa

So he replied again last night and basically did his usual. I like you, I think you are great and I want to keep seeing you but don’t want to commit to anything. He did say he knew that wasn’t what I wanted to hear.

It was exactly as I expected so I joined the apps again this morning a s won’t give him any more of my time 😊

Good for you, OP. This sounds like a really positive start to 2022! Onwards and upwards
pictish · 31/12/2021 08:38

@2022IamHavingYa

So he replied again last night and basically did his usual. I like you, I think you are great and I want to keep seeing you but don’t want to commit to anything. He did say he knew that wasn’t what I wanted to hear.

It was exactly as I expected so I joined the apps again this morning a s won’t give him any more of my time 😊

Sorry, I missed this.

Yessss lady…good on you. It echos what I just wrote there. He sounds like a limp lettuce quite frankly and that’s not good enough for you.

Where’s his passion, his hard on for you? Nowhere to be seen. He’ll keep you as a side interest and that’ll be it. Crap…next!

Bamburghdoodle · 31/12/2021 08:39

@2022IamHavingYa

So he replied again last night and basically did his usual. I like you, I think you are great and I want to keep seeing you but don’t want to commit to anything. He did say he knew that wasn’t what I wanted to hear.

It was exactly as I expected so I joined the apps again this morning a s won’t give him any more of my time 😊

If he wanted to be with you, he would let you know. I hate to quote from movie romance but ‘he’s not that into you’ and there are ‘no signs’. Moving on would be best.
RogerThatBravoOne · 31/12/2021 08:42

Good for you rejoining the apps etc.

I had someone like this before meeting my DH. I was keen and had a similar talk to you. He wanted it to stay as it was. We both went away separately with friends some time after that talk. I met my DH on holiday and came back, told him and ended whatever thing we had. He was gutted but I knew instantly I could be comfortable with DH. DH and I did long distance for a while. We’re now married 10 years with two kids. (So you might not need those apps after all! Wink)

pictish · 31/12/2021 08:43

I would send a bold reply.

“Thanks for getting back to me. It wasn’t what I wanted to hear, you’re right. I’m looking for someone who adores me, not someone who’s isn’t arsed. I’m glad we were able to establish where we stand. I’ll be leaving it there. Best wishes for the future.”

TheCatShatInTheHat · 31/12/2021 08:44

Yep, time to step away from this guy.

Morgan12 · 31/12/2021 08:46

All sounds really complicated.

Surely if you are seeing each other but not in an exclusive relationship means that you are already dating?

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 31/12/2021 08:52

@GreenLunchBox

Sorry to be a party pooper, but he doesn't seem keen from that reply
This. I'm quite long in the tooth, and have been round the block a few times. A few variations of this in my yoof always ended up with said nice bloke playing head games. If you feel like you're always on the back foot, and you've said he's really slow to reply to texts etc, then he probably, maybe subconsciously? Who knows. Wants you to be on the back foot, so he gets to be in control.
coolcahuna · 31/12/2021 08:55

Shameless place mark from me also, I'm over invested in this!!

Fruby · 31/12/2021 08:56

You did great to persue what you wanted. But I’ve tried to push for something with a guy who responds like that before, and it’s a waste of time. You’re best off moving on. It’s hard, but believe me, you have no idea of the amazing people you’re yet to meet xx

NdujaWannaDance · 31/12/2021 08:57

Why on earth would you tell him that you are not talking about a proper relationship because you can't offer that? Why can't you? What's the point of bothering to date someone all over again if you don't think you can offer them a proper relationship?

I realise you probably said that so as not to look to keen or too full on, meaning let's take things slowly and see where they lead, but what you've actually offered him is a starter with absolutely no prospect of a main course.

It reads like very mixed messaging. I'm not surprised he was bit confused by it, after telling him he was your Kryptonite. Confused

LadyWithLapdog · 31/12/2021 09:00

Move on and I hope you have lots of fun in '22 meeting guys who appreciate you.

MiddleParking · 31/12/2021 09:01

In my experience most now-happily coupled up women I know had a guy like this in their life shortly beforehand. I suppose because when you go on to meet a man who is into you you think, oh, so that’s how easy it was meant to be all along.