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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I’ve just put my heart on the line

281 replies

2022IamHavingYa · 30/12/2021 22:33

Very long story short.

Met a guy 2 years ago through online dating. Hit it off immediately and had a few months of dating bliss. I got carried away and ruined it by trying to push for a relationship to hard and too soon and when he (rightly so) backed off, I ended it as he was not giving me what I wanted. I immediately regretted my decision and tried to back track and slow down but he took the situation to heart and felt he wasn’t good enough for me and was worried if we tried again I’d hurt him. It was all amicable and I knew I’d thrown away a good thing and was gutted.

18 months have passed by and we keep bumping into each other, then we meet for coffee a couple of times before fading away again. He texts me occasionally and I him, again this ends in a few meets before life takes us our separate ways. Whenever I talk about him to my friend, he pops up on messages. He just (cheesily) feels like my one.

We have been talking a bit recently and he text yesterday and asked if I was free for dinner that evening. He wined and dined me and his company was wonderful. We haven’t been out like that for 16 months and it felt so natural. He was engaging, lots of eye contact, flirty etc.

He text me today to ask about something upsetting I had to do today and we chatted a bit.

Anyway. Long story shorter, I’ve just bitten the bullet and text him to say I want to date him again.
My life and what I want have changed so much the last year. Ive told him what I want and what I can offer in return.

Now it’s a sickening wait for a response!

Handhold please?

OP posts:

ihateliningup · 31/12/2021 00:03

Stop changing for him. You were clear with what you wanted originally. You did nothing wrong.

If you date him he's not suddenly going to realise he does want a relationship. He's going to keep feeding you crumbs while you hang on and hang on being the cool girl. Run away from this man.

Tubs11 · 31/12/2021 00:03

OP, you're amazing for putting yourself out there and with such a beautifully written msg. I'm not going to guess what he's thinking but if it's a yes, can I come to the wedding??? If it's a no then pull back on the friendship and go in search of someone worthy of your assertiveness. I really hope he's the one

HacerSonarSusPasos · 31/12/2021 00:05

I've found matthew hussey's advice really smart and useful back in my dating days.

Maybe you could find value in it too.

HacerSonarSusPasos · 31/12/2021 00:07

@ihateliningup

Stop changing for him. You were clear with what you wanted originally. You did nothing wrong.

If you date him he's not suddenly going to realise he does want a relationship. He's going to keep feeding you crumbs while you hang on and hang on being the cool girl. Run away from this man.

Sadly, this is so often how these situationships end. If it's not an enthusiastic yes from him, and if it's got you feeling confused, it's not the right one.

Coffeepot72 · 31/12/2021 00:10

*Stop changing for him. You were clear with what you wanted originally. You did nothing wrong.

If you date him he's not suddenly going to realise he does want a relationship. He's going to keep feeding you crumbs while you hang on and hang on being the cool girl. *

Indeed. Then three months later you’ll find he’s marrying someone else

LadyWithLapdog · 31/12/2021 00:12

Good luck OP. That was a brave message. Whatever happens, feel good about yourself.

Snorkmaidenn · 31/12/2021 00:12

I don't think texting is the right way to handle this.
You need to discuss this face to face
See if you can arrange a meet up, then you can look him in the eye and get a good idea how he feels.
Good luck!

PurpleThursdays · 31/12/2021 00:13

Shameless placemark

Ofnoteandnightmares · 31/12/2021 00:16

Well done for putting yourself out there! Courageous thing to do! Good luck!

MargotMoon · 31/12/2021 00:21

Fingers crossed for you!! 🤞

Folicky · 31/12/2021 00:24

I think there's a lot of push/pull going on here.... with you pushing and him pulling back. Not clear why, cos he's nerdish, not sure what he wants, has stuff going on or is keeping his options open. Clarity is not the problem. you're overdoing it and he's stalling. If he replies in the negative or with a place holder, I think you should say fine, keep it as friends and that you hope to be available in the future should he change his mind. Than start dating.... someone else

BringOnTheOtherWorlders · 31/12/2021 00:24

I don't know, OP.
Two years ago it ended because you were pushing for a relationship and he backed off and now you are pushing to date-date and he seems to have backed off. Yet, you tell him you've changed?

If he wants to date you, he would.
If he wanted to have a relationship with you, he would.
(I had a man tell me this once.)

I hope it works out, but if it doesn't this time - wash your hands of him completely. He will mess with your head for eons otherwise.

Franklyfrost · 31/12/2021 00:25

That’s a really daunting message. I can see why he doesn’t understand it. You dated and it didn’t work out and you then reconnected and might be dating again. So why send the message when it looks like you’re doing okay? It seems unhealthy to me to be thinking about whether he can move in with you at this stage. If you’re worried about him wanting fwb when you want a relationship then I’d have said just that. If you wanted some reassurance I’d have just gone for a standard ‘it was good to see you the other day’. It seems a very dramatic and unnecessary announcement to me. I appreciate that to others it is a very romantic and exciting gesture. I wonder how he will see it. Did you break up first time round because you wanted more of a relationship than he did?

MummyJasmin · 31/12/2021 00:25

Good luck OP
Shameless placemark

MuchuseasaChocolateTeapot · 31/12/2021 00:26

@Folicky

Yep this. But I wish you lots of luck OP. He sounds lucky to have you in his life 😊

Cameleongirl · 31/12/2021 00:44

I'm sorry, OP, but I'm going to be a wet blanket. My experience and that of my friends of meeting someone and falling in love was very different to this, which makes me think he may not be the right person for you.

DH and I met, started dating and both fell in love. There was no sense that one of us was pushing too hard for a relationship, we were head-over-heels in love with each other. That's been the experience of most of my friends in successful relationships. You deserve someone who's head-over-heels in love with you, not hesitating or being slow to respond. I wouldn't waste your time, tbh. Sorry.

Colouringaddict · 31/12/2021 00:50

Fingers crossed for you xx

dibly · 31/12/2021 00:51

I love this! Rooting for you, I married my one who got away after we met up 17 years later. I’d agree to be more straight though, you do want a relationship, doesn’t have to be living together but I think you’re past the point of just wanting to date him. You’ve come this far, all or nothing!

BlockThatScrote · 31/12/2021 00:59

You are my Kryptonite and have been since we first met. I really enjoy your company and the way you surprise me. I’m not asking for a full on relationship because I can’t offer that, nor do I think you want that, but I would like to date you again and see what happens, slowly, over time, with no pressure.

In the nicest possible way OP I agree with a lot of other posters. "I clearly want a relationship but I'm going to pretend I don't because that's what you want."

Cool girl / pickme behaviour. Move on and find someone who wants exactly what you want. You shouldn't have to change and it shouldn't feel like pulling teeth.

lightisnotwhite · 31/12/2021 01:03

Trouble is, the reason he isn’t already in a romantic relationship with you isn’t because he’s worried that you don’t fancy him.
The reason he’s not already in a romantic relationship with you is simply because he doesn’t feel comfortable in it.

You’re backing him into a corner. He’s currently your friend and won’t want to hurt your feelings or make things awkward. It’s going to be tricky for him to say something either way.

You are mad keen on him and therefore the more vulnerable. Let him come to you. Back right off. No more texts or meet ups until you are clear he’s actually keen to pursue a relationship.

Italiangreyhound · 31/12/2021 01:06

Good luck. if it doesn't work out maybe you can leave him in the past and seek someone on the same page as you are.

ItsDisneyBitch · 31/12/2021 01:10

I spent a long time in the wrong relationships where it was all weird game playing and guess work. Fuck it’s exhausting.

One day I met my now dh. It was piss easy. We are now married.

The blended family bit that we are in isn’t piss easy but the relationship is.

When you finally meet someone that is right for you. You will know. And they will know and it won’t be such hard work.

PoshPyjamas · 31/12/2021 01:27

Fingers crossed!

Starcup · 31/12/2021 01:38

Bet your looking at your phone all day tomorrow op! Good luck 🤞

Dancingonmoonlight · 31/12/2021 01:43

He's stalling OP.

I did this dance for a long time with someone who pulled back when I tried to get close and pushed when I had had enough. It was exhausting. My head was a mess. I lost self confidence. He replied to my texts hours and sometimes days after I sent them and he ignored direct questions that he didn't want to answer.

The reply you got earlier was exactly the type of reply I'd have received from him IF he bothered to reply at all. yet my stomach leaped whenever I saw his name on a text message.

If this man was interested he would tell you. Its not supposed to be this hard.

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