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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I’ve just put my heart on the line

281 replies

2022IamHavingYa · 30/12/2021 22:33

Very long story short.

Met a guy 2 years ago through online dating. Hit it off immediately and had a few months of dating bliss. I got carried away and ruined it by trying to push for a relationship to hard and too soon and when he (rightly so) backed off, I ended it as he was not giving me what I wanted. I immediately regretted my decision and tried to back track and slow down but he took the situation to heart and felt he wasn’t good enough for me and was worried if we tried again I’d hurt him. It was all amicable and I knew I’d thrown away a good thing and was gutted.

18 months have passed by and we keep bumping into each other, then we meet for coffee a couple of times before fading away again. He texts me occasionally and I him, again this ends in a few meets before life takes us our separate ways. Whenever I talk about him to my friend, he pops up on messages. He just (cheesily) feels like my one.

We have been talking a bit recently and he text yesterday and asked if I was free for dinner that evening. He wined and dined me and his company was wonderful. We haven’t been out like that for 16 months and it felt so natural. He was engaging, lots of eye contact, flirty etc.

He text me today to ask about something upsetting I had to do today and we chatted a bit.

Anyway. Long story shorter, I’ve just bitten the bullet and text him to say I want to date him again.
My life and what I want have changed so much the last year. Ive told him what I want and what I can offer in return.

Now it’s a sickening wait for a response!

Handhold please?

OP posts:
Antiqueanniesmagiclanternshow · 30/12/2021 23:38

@2022IamHavingYa

He’d just say he wasn’t interested like he did in the past, or possibly ignore it all together
So if he has out and out said he is not interested in him, then why on earth are you giving him any of your time and attention ?? Forget him and find someone who actively wants to be with you!
Original poster
2022IamHavingYa · 30/12/2021 23:38

He is In his early 40’s and I suspect a touch of him being on the autistic spectrum too.

I think this thread has killed my excitement now and I’m hoping he replies with “I’m just not that into you” 😂

OP posts:
AtrociousCircumstance · 30/12/2021 23:39

I think your message sounds a bit like “I’ve changed and become everything you want and eradicated all the bits which scared you and made you feel pressured! I’m now your perfect woman and have very few needs!”

I don’t know. Just seems a little bit like that. However I admire your bravery and your second message was crystal clear! Fingers crossed OP.

Yummypumpkin · 30/12/2021 23:39

Oh Mumsnet favourite hobby is guessing what men think, depressingly.

You know him best. Wait and see.

LemonMuffins · 30/12/2021 23:39

My brutal inner cynic says, to me it sounds like he just likes having you on the back burner.
I also don't quite buy that you don't want a relationship - you're just telling him what you think he wants to hear.

Daisy4569 · 30/12/2021 23:39

I wouldn’t write it off just yet. If he’s out socialising he might just not want to get into a serious conversation with you tonight. He potentially doesn’t want to have the conversation via text? At least he’s replied rather than ignore it!

LiquoriceAllsorts086 · 30/12/2021 23:40

I think he is into you. Why take you out for dinner after 18 months apart? Don't be disheartened.

HacerSonarSusPasos · 30/12/2021 23:40

@LiquoriceAllsorts086

I think he is into you. Why take you out for dinner after 18 months apart? Don't be disheartened.
Hoping for sex, obviously?
Jk24 · 30/12/2021 23:41

Place marking! Good luck op:)

BrotherHelp · 30/12/2021 23:43

I’m hoping for a good update tomorrow!

PurplePansy05 · 30/12/2021 23:44

I don't know tbh. I'd understand from your message that you want to date but keep it very casual...and I'd not be sure what this means tbh, as in how casual is casual to you? And I'd also read it as you not wanting to be in a relationship with him. So what's the point in dating and texting him now? That is confusing, especially if his thoughts may have been revolving around building up a relationship.

I'd also be annoyed if someone texted me with assumptions of the sort 'I know what you don't want', uhmm, no.

There's some work to be done on communication here IMO.

bluebell34567 · 30/12/2021 23:45

Apparently I wasn’t clear enough 😂

Grin Grin Grin

SimpsonsXmasBoogie · 30/12/2021 23:47

I’m confident he’ll say he wants to keep as friends, and that’s time

I'm guessing "time" is meant to be 'fine"?

In which case... No, it isn't fine! If he doesn't come back to you with some genuine enthusiasm for making a go of this then fuck him off. Don't be messed about and kept dangling as a back up/ego massage. It's a new year - make this the year that you put yourself first and recognise your true value. Don't go chasing someone who can't decide whether or not they want to be with you.

Cactuslove · 30/12/2021 23:48

Good luck OP. Love how brave you've been.

crochetmonkey74 · 30/12/2021 23:51

Good luck- I hope the reply is what you want xx

Opalfeet · 30/12/2021 23:51

Placemarking and hoping for romance

Forgothowmuchlhatehomeschoolin · 30/12/2021 23:52

Shamelessly placemarking.

Doyoumind · 30/12/2021 23:54

@AtrociousCircumstance

I think your message sounds a bit like “I’ve changed and become everything you want and eradicated all the bits which scared you and made you feel pressured! I’m now your perfect woman and have very few needs!”

I don’t know. Just seems a little bit like that. However I admire your bravery and your second message was crystal clear! Fingers crossed OP.

I'm afraid I agree. You're saying "I've changed and now I'm right for you." You're pretending you don't want a serious relationship because that's what you think he wants to hear. Be honest with yourself here.

I think if it was what he wanted, he would have understood perfectly well and responded positively first time.

TrenchArse · 30/12/2021 23:54

Wow, that’s quite a full on message. You say you’re not interested in a relationship immediately after saying that he’s the thing missing from your life, that’s a bit of an odd contradiction. Id have probably just gone with “fancy a shag?” or similar and then take it from there.

You know him best though so I’m sure it was the right way to say it to him. Fingers crossed he won’t keep you waiting all night and it will be good news in the morning.

jo55ie · 30/12/2021 23:55

Good luck OP x
Also shamelessly placemarking.

AllyBama · 30/12/2021 23:56

Oh OP, I think you were pretty clear in your initial message and he’s just stalling for time. I’m sorry, I hope I’m wrong!

Tana433 · 30/12/2021 23:59

God, im trawling MN doing an awful lot of shameless placemarkng tonight!

JaniceBattersby · 31/12/2021 00:00

I think you’re making yourself smaller for this man. You’re being who you think he wants you to be, rather than who you are.

I’d ditch him and find someone you don’t need to pretend for, tbh.

Good luck OP.

Mumof3confused · 31/12/2021 00:01

I think I might have struggled to figure out that message a bit if I was out with friends and just skimmed it while trying not to be rude to those in my company. Also it is quite a full on message. I think it’s really good of him to get back to you to say he’ll be in touch instead of keeping you waiting.

UniversalAunt · 31/12/2021 00:02

Well OP, you sound fab to me.
He’d be a mug not to not consider dating you.
It’s not you, it’s him…but that’s part of his appeal, non?

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