Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I’ve just put my heart on the line

281 replies

2022IamHavingYa · 30/12/2021 22:33

Very long story short.

Met a guy 2 years ago through online dating. Hit it off immediately and had a few months of dating bliss. I got carried away and ruined it by trying to push for a relationship to hard and too soon and when he (rightly so) backed off, I ended it as he was not giving me what I wanted. I immediately regretted my decision and tried to back track and slow down but he took the situation to heart and felt he wasn’t good enough for me and was worried if we tried again I’d hurt him. It was all amicable and I knew I’d thrown away a good thing and was gutted.

18 months have passed by and we keep bumping into each other, then we meet for coffee a couple of times before fading away again. He texts me occasionally and I him, again this ends in a few meets before life takes us our separate ways. Whenever I talk about him to my friend, he pops up on messages. He just (cheesily) feels like my one.

We have been talking a bit recently and he text yesterday and asked if I was free for dinner that evening. He wined and dined me and his company was wonderful. We haven’t been out like that for 16 months and it felt so natural. He was engaging, lots of eye contact, flirty etc.

He text me today to ask about something upsetting I had to do today and we chatted a bit.

Anyway. Long story shorter, I’ve just bitten the bullet and text him to say I want to date him again.
My life and what I want have changed so much the last year. Ive told him what I want and what I can offer in return.

Now it’s a sickening wait for a response!

Handhold please?

OP posts:
whysoserious123 · 31/12/2021 01:46

Fingers crossed

And fair play for putting yourself out there with him ! If you don't get the response you want atleast you can be proud of your power move

LHReturns · 31/12/2021 01:49

@Dancingonmoonlight

He's stalling OP.

I did this dance for a long time with someone who pulled back when I tried to get close and pushed when I had had enough. It was exhausting. My head was a mess. I lost self confidence. He replied to my texts hours and sometimes days after I sent them and he ignored direct questions that he didn't want to answer.

The reply you got earlier was exactly the type of reply I'd have received from him IF he bothered to reply at all. yet my stomach leaped whenever I saw his name on a text message.

If this man was interested he would tell you. Its not supposed to be this hard.

Agree 100%. He isn’t interested I’m afraid.
Cersai · 31/12/2021 01:53

No response is a response.

Gonnagetgoing · 31/12/2021 02:02

I think he’s stalling sorry. Most men would put it right out there if they were interested.

mathanxiety · 31/12/2021 02:16

He’s bloody hard work! But that’s the attraction.

You need to work really, really hard on correcting this trait of yours.

You will never find a solid relationship that will make you happy until you have sorted this out.

mycatisannoying · 31/12/2021 02:22

I think you were perfectly clear, and that you sound lovely.
He sounds like the sort who needs everything spelt out. He also sounds emotionally unavailable. Both are draining traits!
You on the other hand sound wonderful.
Good luck!

NiceTwin · 31/12/2021 02:39

I'm going against the grain, I think your message is ambiguous.
I don't want a relationship but I want to date.

Surely dating is the early stages of a relationship. A relationship that may go the distance or one that may stall early on.

It all sounds a bit difficult when it should be anything but in the early stages.

Joystir59 · 31/12/2021 02:44

You haven't talked about whether or not you have sex as part of your on and off situation with this man. He could just want a shag now and then. Or that could be you. I'm not reading what you want at all from your posts so far. You want to date him. But you do date him intermittently at the moment. Then it 'fades away'. All very confusing.

Joystir59 · 31/12/2021 02:47

I definitely dont think he's interested in a relationship with you. It's also not clear what you want from him.

arcof · 31/12/2021 02:50

I think the "I don't want a relationship" part is confusing. How is that different than your current casual arrangement? Also think you need to work on boundaries and flush this man out of your life.

Monty27 · 31/12/2021 02:59

I hope you get the best result. I'm not sure you'll hear what you think you want to hear. Tricky.
Good luck though 👍🏼

StucklnAChimneyCantGetOutOflt · 31/12/2021 03:00

“I want to start dating you again and see what happens 😉 Enjoy your evening and speak soon”

This is more clear if he is on the spectrum.

Or even
I would like to see you (....) times a week.
I would like to go on dates.
I would like to sleep with you.
I want to continue to live alone however - as that works for me best with my training/job.
Would that work for you?

k1233 · 31/12/2021 03:12

I don't know. If I got the first message I'd probably run for the hills. The second is short, sweet and to the point. Much better IMO. If I'd gotten both I'd be thinking you want a relationship but are downplaying it. I'd be concerned that you are trying to say what you think I want to hear.

Interested to hear what his response is.

1forAll74 · 31/12/2021 03:31

Why are you hankering after a relationship again, if it was meant to happen, it would have happened by now. If it is all about what you wan't. and he is not sure, then you should hang fire for now.

Lucycantdance · 31/12/2021 04:13

Any update OP?

Mummyoflittledragon · 31/12/2021 06:53

@NiceTwin

I'm going against the grain, I think your message is ambiguous. I don't want a relationship but I want to date.

Surely dating is the early stages of a relationship. A relationship that may go the distance or one that may stall early on.

It all sounds a bit difficult when it should be anything but in the early stages.

I agree with this. But you seeing as him being hard work as a positive really isn’t great. Your second message was better. Time for you both to stop playing games.
Staryflight445 · 31/12/2021 06:59

Your first message was insanely clear. Not sure I’d have bothered with a second, but hopefully you get a good response back this time!

musicalfrog · 31/12/2021 07:16

I really hope he lets you off the hook. You sound like you're suffering a bit here. To me this reads as if you don't really know him that well. Second guessing isn't fun in a relationship.

Are you absolutely sure he isn't already spoken for?

PurpleFlower1983 · 31/12/2021 07:28

I wish you all the luck OP buy this guy just doesn’t seem that into you! Find someone who thinks you’re amazing!

HacerSonarSusPasos · 31/12/2021 07:32

If he likes you, you will know. If he doesn't, you'll be confused. As simple as that.

FabulousMrFifty · 31/12/2021 07:43

@2022IamHavingYa

He’s bloody hard work! But that’s the attraction. Maybe my text wasn’t as clear as I’d hoped it was (after drafting multiple times!)

It read:

“So it’s almost New Year, so going to unashamedly put myself out there.
I’ve changed a lot the last 18 months. I’m not the person I was when I first met you.
I love my life, my career and being able to do what I like, but I’m lacking something and that something is you.

You are my Kryptonite and have been since we first met. I really enjoy your company and the way you surprise me. I’m not asking for a full on relationship because I can’t offer that, nor do I think you want that, but I would like to date you again and see what happens, slowly, over time, with no pressure.

Happy to be told it’s not for you and there are no hard feelings. If you don’t ask, you don’t get 😉”

Is that so unclear?

I’ve just replied “I want to start dating you again and see what happens 😉 Enjoy your evening and speak soon”

I want a sober response rather than one potentially fuelled by one too many drinks

Obviously don’t know the full background but, some mixed messages maybe ?

This is pretty clear to me
“I love my life, my career and being able to do what I like, but I’m lacking something and that something is you”

This not so much
I’m not asking for a full on relationship because I can’t offer that

And this goes against the top message
I want to start dating you again and see what happens

If received this, I’d be a bit unsure as well do you want to hang out, or date casually or be in some kind of FWB relationship?

Starfekk · 31/12/2021 07:46

He’s bloody hard work! But that’s the attraction

Whats attractive about that?

CurtainTroubles · 31/12/2021 07:49

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at the user's request

Hadenoughofthisbullshit · 31/12/2021 08:02

@JaniceBattersby

I think you’re making yourself smaller for this man. You’re being who you think he wants you to be, rather than who you are.

I’d ditch him and find someone you don’t need to pretend for, tbh.

Good luck OP.

This. Stop trying to change to please him.
Worriedaboutethics · 31/12/2021 08:02

@2022IamHavingYa

Perhaps a phone call might help.

Swipe left for the next trending thread