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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Leaving note

280 replies

Waaahbaby · 30/12/2021 08:45

In a few weeks I will be gone with the children, he doesn’t know and neither do they yet.
My plan is to collect them from school and take them to new house. I can’t sit down and talk with him so he will return to an empty house. What do I write in the note to say we have gone? He’s been abusive and controlling for years and I fully expect a backlash.

OP posts:
Original poster
Waaahbaby · 30/12/2021 09:29

Bumping in case gets lost.

OP posts:
Mammma91 · 30/12/2021 09:42

I’d ensure you have a close relative who knows of the plan too, incase he calls them. In the letter i would explain the marriage isn’t working, your leaving for the sake of your mental health. Plans for childcare if you would allow this, or contact details for a solicitor to arrange contact. Don’t let off where you are. Just black and white reasons for leaving. Ensure to lift all birth certificates/important documents you may well need and all the best to you and your children x

Original poster
Waaahbaby · 30/12/2021 09:45

Thank you for replying. I have all important documentation locked in a friends safe.

OP posts:
PainterMummy · 30/12/2021 10:05

Have you sought legal advice? I most certainly would suggest you do abc ensure whatever us needed to ensure you have something in place to start custody, parental responsibility etc. this should be included in your letter with your lawyer’s information. Have you thought of where and how he can have access to the children? Think long term game plan here. Don’t put yourself at any future disadvantage in relation to visitation, custody, support.

Original poster
Waaahbaby · 30/12/2021 10:21

I’ve not looked into any legal advice, I honestly don’t even know where to start!

OP posts:
AgathaX · 30/12/2021 10:31

Well done on making plans to get yourself and your DC out of this situation.
I would advise speaking to women's aid as soon as you can. They should be able to offer support which could be invaluable on the day. Also it may be worth speaking to they police before you go so they know to respond quickly if called to your address.
As for the note, I think say the minimum. Your leaving an intolerable situation for the well-being and safety of you and the DC. Perhaps offer a male relations, friends or colleagues contact info for emergency use only, and say you'll be in contact in due course regarding the DC.
Hopefully you can have a solicitor lined up before you go so could just state all contact to be addressed to solicitor.

rainbowstardrops · 30/12/2021 11:20

I have no words of wisdom but just wanted to say well done on getting away. I hope it all goes smoothly for you Thanks

Sicario · 30/12/2021 11:21

I too left a highly abusive marriage.

The point of leaving is dangerous with abusive and controlling men. Their loss of control can send them into a rage. You might consider something like this:

I have left and taken the children with me. I can no longer tolerate your abusive and controlling behaviour. This behaviour is now recognised as criminal and the police have been informed for our protection.

I will commence divorce proceedings in due course and will make arrangements for your contact with the children. I do not want to have any further direct contact with you, and any attempt by you to contact me will be reported to the police.

Get a new phone number. Put your old phone number in a basic handset as this will be the only number he has for you. If you work, please advise your employer of the situation. Tell your family to turn him away. Tell the police that you are leaving an abusive relationship. Get advice from Women's Aid.

Good luck. This is your first step towards a happier, healthier life.

Orgasmagorical · 30/12/2021 11:27

I agree that speaking to Women's Aid is a very good idea. It will be the most dangerous time for you so advice from people with a great deal of experience in these matters in how to do it safely will be invaluable Flowers

moremoony · 30/12/2021 11:37

If he’s abusive and controlling get legal advice before you go. Today google “solicitor divorce” plus the name of your nearest big town or county. Get the names from the websites of half a dozen who offer a free half hour. Email them all asking if they do telephone free half hour or see what they offer. I’m surprised you haven’t done this already as you really need firm legal support in place. You’ll need a deed of separation ASAP and a prohibited steps order. Get them done. Get the lawyer to draw up divorce papers with custody arrangements set out. This can be done in a day with a good solicitor. It’s straight forward. Get that document and the day you leave, just leave the document on the side by the kettle with a note saying “due to your constant abuse this marriage is now finished. I have consulted with a lawyer. Please sign and post these divorce papers. I have disconnected my phone so don’t bother ringing. We are done. Post the papers with contact details for your solicitor and mine will then be in contact to organise the child contact schedule”

You don’t need to go into big details with him. Brief and stern. You’re done. End of.

Sicario · 30/12/2021 11:44

@Waaahbaby - I noticed you don't actually say if you're married.

Original poster
Waaahbaby · 30/12/2021 11:46

Thank you so much.
Not married, I pay for everything currently and all bills in my name. Just can’t wait to be gone. Allowing myself to feel excitement now.

OP posts:
Original poster
Waaahbaby · 30/12/2021 11:47

Moremoony, I haven’t done it as I am always with the kids or at work, I honestly haven’t had a chance to. I will look into this asap. Thank you.

OP posts:
Clymene · 30/12/2021 11:47

How old are your children?

HairyFanjoBanjo · 30/12/2021 11:48

Is there any mortgage or joint debt? That’s really all you’ll need legal advice for at this point.

JustmeandtheKIDS2 · 30/12/2021 11:49

Maybe say your all safe? As he may try and locate you all by saying he has conserns for your safety? If you say strait out your all safe hopefully he won't be able to do that also mention about him being abusive bit don't go into details. Also don't forget to take a photo of it , just incase.

Original poster
Waaahbaby · 30/12/2021 11:52

No mortgage or joint debt. Children are 9 and 7.
Thank you for great advice and well done to those of you who have done this. I’m sorry you had to go through it too.

OP posts:
Moonflower12 · 30/12/2021 12:01

Please inform the police that you are going.
I didn't and I wish I had.

Wishing you the very best of luck and well done for taking this huge step. Your children ( and you) will blossom from it. Xx

Original poster
Waaahbaby · 30/12/2021 12:02

Moonflower, do you mind me asking what happened because you didn’t? What made you regret it?

OP posts:
FollowYourOwnNorthStar · 30/12/2021 12:07

What about all the bills in your name? Can you move them out before you go or cut them off? You don’t want him running up a huge bill after you leave that you are legally obligated to pay.

FollowYourOwnNorthStar · 30/12/2021 12:08

Also good luck and stay safe!

HPandTheNeverEndingBedtime · 30/12/2021 12:16

Inform the children's school as a priority. Tell them of his abuse, tell them that you are leaving.They can keep an eye on your children and put in support if necessary. Don't be embarrassed about telling them, DV is scarily common and they will be used to supporting families. If he has PR and there is no legal reason why he can't he could pick up the children early from school and intercept them. We've had this happen several times, suddenly the children have to be picked up at 2:30 for the dentist or X, Y and Z. Even if they can't stop him they can stall him and call you.

trevthecat · 30/12/2021 12:25

I just want to stand here on the side, cheering you on. You are amazing to have a plan in place.

TheHoptimist · 30/12/2021 12:32

Lots of previous posters have done the same
Look up some of their threads (although some were deleted)

madisonbridges · 30/12/2021 12:34

@Sicario

I too left a highly abusive marriage.

The point of leaving is dangerous with abusive and controlling men. Their loss of control can send them into a rage. You might consider something like this:

I have left and taken the children with me. I can no longer tolerate your abusive and controlling behaviour. This behaviour is now recognised as criminal and the police have been informed for our protection.

I will commence divorce proceedings in due course and will make arrangements for your contact with the children. I do not want to have any further direct contact with you, and any attempt by you to contact me will be reported to the police.

Get a new phone number. Put your old phone number in a basic handset as this will be the only number he has for you. If you work, please advise your employer of the situation. Tell your family to turn him away. Tell the police that you are leaving an abusive relationship. Get advice from Women's Aid.

Good luck. This is your first step towards a happier, healthier life.

Can you just take the children and stop contact between them and their father? If they are his children, couldn't he just do the same? Is he within his rights to ask to see his children and not wait til the mother decides, in due course, to arrange something? Just curious how your advice works in real life. Maybe there's a hope he won't want to see them?

Op, all the best and I hope it all works out easier than you fear.