Leaving note

[Waaahbaby]

In a few weeks I will be gone with the children, he doesn’t know and neither do they yet.
My plan is to collect them from school and take them to new house. I can’t sit down and talk with him so he will return to an empty house. What do I write in the note to say we have gone? He’s been abusive and controlling for years and I fully expect a backlash.

I left an abusive marriage. Definitely speak to Women's Aid, your GP and school before you go. I only spoke to a solicitor beforehand and, while things did all get sorted eventually, it would have been better to have had more of a paper trail.

Depending on circumstances (obviously not if he's mentally unstable and / or physically violent) you might want to offer some level of child contact in the leaving note. If you do this make sure to get him to agree to it in full in writing on text or WhatsApp (exact dates, times, locations) before any hand over. I don't want to cause undue anxiety but my ex agreed to contact arrangements in writing but then refused to return our son as he'd agreed. I had to go to court to get him back, meanwhile he took me to court saying I was mentally ill and dangerous and had refused to let him see his son. Eventually it came out that he was lying but it took months and several court hearings to get there. Being able to produce text messages where he had been offered and agreed contact was really important in showing that I wasn't trying to stop him seeing our son. My ex is extremely vindictive and had money behind him so if yours is broke and / or feckless there's hopefully very little chance of a court battle.

You're totally doing the right thing. Good luck.

Set up a postal redirection they send you a letter confirming the redirection when you first set it up.

And definitely speak to womens aid.

If he’s abusive getting a non-mol & PSO would be good. My PSO prevented the children being removed from my care, they weren’t allowed to be taken out of the country without my permission and only I was allowed to take out a passport for them. It lasted till the dc were 16 I think.

If all the bills are in your name, @Waaahbaby do please take meter readings of gas, electric, water and provide that information to your supplier as soon as possible after you leave and ensure they know you will no longer be responsible for those bills from the date you provide that information. I'd suggest you take a photo on your phone of the final readings with a time and date, to avoid future problems. Don't forget to cancel your Internet/WIFi with immediate effect - and take the router with you. Change your password to Netflix and other subscription channels and also turn Amazon account. I think someone upthread mentioned ensuring all your accounts have two factor authentication to add another layer of security so he can't access your accounts - including your bank accounts. Also if he is listed to benefit from any Death in Service benefits ensure you change that with your employer. If he is down as a beneficiary on your Will do change that ASAP.

Ensure any money or property left to your children if anything were to happen to you (sorry) is legally tied up until they are of age or held in a trust. Your solicitor can advise you.

Good luck and I hope all goes well for you in the future. 🌹

Well at least you have the courtesy to leave a note ( unlike some women who just up n leave without saying a word.!! I hope the contact with his children not severed too…. Good luck

@ardvark111 I’m not sure if you are taking the piss or not. He can have contact with the children, provided he is not abusive towards them.
The only reason I will leave a note is so that he knows they are safe. He deserves nothing from me.

What an amazing, supportive thread. I've nothing I can add but just want to wish OP all the very best for a happy, safe future

Im not taking the piss at all.!! I’m just saying your note will make him read and reflect on his ways to you.!! And he maybe a abuser to you but not his children. He maybe a abusive partner but a good father.!!

@Ardvark111

Im not taking the piss at all.!! I’m just saying your note will make him read and reflect on his ways to you.!! And he maybe a abuser to you but not his children. He maybe a abusive partner but a good father.!!

No abusive partners are shit parents.

An abusive person is never a good parent.

He maybe a abusive partner but a good father.!!

Impossible, @Ardvark111. A good father does not abuse his children’s mum. In doing so he becomes a bad father.

Thank you all for amazing support and advice. I have a few more days that he is off work so as soon as he’s gone I start making some calls.

@Ardvark111

Im not taking the piss at all.!! I’m just saying your note will make him read and reflect on his ways to you.!! And he maybe a abuser to you but not his children. He maybe a abusive partner but a good father.!!

I don't think you understand abuse.

Wishing you the very best of luck.xx

I'd definitely advise speaking with a solicitor that specialises in family law and domestic abuse. You may not feel that you need any legal protection just yet but speaking from experience, it can get a lot worse once you've left. A prohibited steps order and non mol sounds like a good idea. Best of luck, all the stress and worry will be worth it, I promise you!

Wishing you the very best of luck.

Stay strong.

@Ardvark111

There aren't many better ways to show you don't respect women's opinions than starting a sentence with "you women"... 🙄

And you seemed to have missed OP saying He’s a bully to all of us.

All of them. Kids included.

‘You women’ 🙄

@Ardvark111

He maybe a abusive partner but a good father

This was an equally ridiculous thing to say. Abusive partners are not good fathers because good fathers don't damage the emotional, verbal or physical wellbeing of their child's mother. Obviously.

OP I hope everything goes well for you, so much supportive and signposting advice here, I wish you the best in your new life!

Just wanted to wish you good luck and say I think you are doing a very brave thing x

Why do I feel so guilty about this? I want to tell
Him face to face but I know he won’t be reasonable. I hate what I’m doing to him despite all he’s done to us. Is this normal?

@Waaahbaby

Why do I feel so guilty about this? I want to tell Him face to face but I know he won’t be reasonable. I hate what I’m doing to him despite all he’s done to us. Is this normal?

You feel guilty because that is how he makes you feel. You are not doing anything to him that he has not done to himself.

I found a private rental. Left when dp was at work. Left a note but many moons ago and can't remember the contents.. He never believed that I wanted is to finish. He took me to court for access. Just got the younger 2 not the older 2 who had witnessed his vile behaviour..

That is what has happened, I’ve found a rental, purchased furnished etc.
It just all feels so shitty on my part. He probably will try and take me to court but I will make it clear that I’m not denying access. I’m so fucking scared, so sorry for my kids and weirdly so sorry for him. I’ve tried so hard even if he will say I haven’t. I know deep down it’s right but the thought of hurting him deliberately is crushing.