Leaving note

[Waaahbaby]

In a few weeks I will be gone with the children, he doesn’t know and neither do they yet.
My plan is to collect them from school and take them to new house. I can’t sit down and talk with him so he will return to an empty house. What do I write in the note to say we have gone? He’s been abusive and controlling for years and I fully expect a backlash.

Ask yourself is this the example of relationships you want imprinted on them? Will they grow to resent you for staying?. How old are your dc op?

@Waaahbaby

Why do I feel so guilty about this? I want to tell Him face to face but I know he won’t be reasonable. I hate what I’m doing to him despite all he’s done to us. Is this normal?

Yes it’s normal to be guilty because he has trained you to do what he wants and always put him first , otherwise there will be trouble.

It’s going to take a long time to get used to putting yourself and your children first.

I hope you’d had advice from womens aid and a solicitor because he knows where you work and the kids attend school - it’s easy for him to turn up there and try to take the children. So you must pre empt this .

How are you going to get the children belongings, bedding and furniture out the house? Do you have people lined up to help you?

Is he likely to take the children and not return them when he has contact? are the children old enough to have an opinion on this? you need to discuss all this with your solicitor .

Do you hold the childrens passports ?

I have all documents locked in a safe. I’m not going to take all their clothes, bedding etc, I have got new. I don’t want them to feel as if this is not their home anymore. It’s just not mine.
I have been in touch with a local domestic abuse charity who have offered some advice but I almost feel a bit of a drain on their resources by using their time to talk. There are people going through worse.
Dc are 9 and 7 and they’ve spoken to me about moving out. I don’t know how to tell them either. I was doing okay emotionally, felt quite distanced from it all but it’s all coming round very quickly and I don’t feel prepared.

@I0NA

Is he likely to take the children and not return them when he has contact? are the children old enough to have an opinion on this? you need to discuss all this with your solicitor .

Do you hold the childrens passports ?

I do worry about this but I do not think he would keep them from school.

So he could keep them off school “ on holiday”. Or take them to visit his family ?

You need advice from a solicitor before the move.

Has he abused you or the children ? Have you had contact with the police, social services, health visitor, Doctor etc ? I mean is there an official record of his abuse ?

It's not your actions that have lead to this.
Remember it's not your fault, so the fault of going does not lay with you.

I understand the guilt, it's because you shouldn't have to, but you must and you've decided to do something you never envisioned you'd have to do.

As a mum we carry the pain, the guilt in these types of situations.

Our general priority is for our children.

Those who've had abuse from fathers of joint children get caught up in a mind fuck.

Making a stand is bringing up grief, hurt, guilt but it's temporary.
The date is approaching, as it comes you know that it's real and new.

You'll be learning a new mindset as soon as you're out.
It'll be challenging, but you won't have the fear and abuse in your home anymore.

You will have new challenges with the children, and bring open with them and to their feelings it going to be hard.

I've learnt to never let them think anything was their fault.

That you need to be happy to be a happy and supportive mum.

Good luck XXX

So you are expecting their father to share residence of them ? You said that you don’t want then to think that it’s no longer their home.

Yet you are so afraid of him you are leaving in secret . I can’t match yo these two things. If you are so amicable you car share the care of your children, why not discuss your leaving ?

Because he verbally abuses me at every opportunity, calling me fat, ugly, lazy and a cunt. He is controlling and swears at me constantly. He keeps all the money he earns yet I pay for everything. He can give me the silent treatment for days on end. I have nothing left to give. I do not want the children to think I am destroying their relationship with their father. If we are not together I do believe that he can move on and be a good father to them. I’m not afraid of what he will do to them when I am not there. We do not make each other happy and I know he will eventually be happier without me there. I have a record of speaking to a police officer and have kept screenshots of the verbal abuse and gaslighting.
It may not work with the children having contact but I’m absolutely willing to try.

He is threatening towards me regarding custody and finances. He holds a power over me constantly, I second guess everything. He tells me frequently that I’m a shit parent. I ask his permission for everything.

So sorry to hear this but what a blessing you have found somewhere new and safe. Good luck with your escape. Stay safe.

I also don’t know if he will agree to sharing care of the children. I’m trying to think what would be best for them as this is who I’m doing this for ultimately. He may not, probably won’t, ageee.

I left my ex in similar circumstances. I just left my door key on the kitchen counter..
Nothing else.

@I0NA you clearly don't get how the family court system in this country works. Every day men are granted 50/50 custody of children despite being physically and/or emotionally abusive to their partner. We see women on here who have been terrorised but who the court insists that contact remain.

Trying to keep their fathers house feeling safe and familiar is something that the OP can do to make their time there less confusing and worrying for them. Because if he takes her to court, HE WILL be granted custody. Its awful but its true.

Lots of women stay in abusive relationships for this very reason, because they are terrified of their children having to spend time with their dad without them there to shield them from the worst of the abuse and protect them 😢

You can do this, OP. How many more weeks to go? Try not to give any sign of what's going to happen, and yes, do let police/school/GP know, for your and DC's safety.

This is going to be the most difficult bit, because you are so close now. It must be nervewracking for you. But just keep yourself calm and steady and act like everything's fine. The wording suggested by a pp for your note is very good.

I'm in awe of your courage and determination. You should be proud of yourself. It is going to feel so good to be free and safe

Do not do a redirection via Royal Mail until after you have left

I planned to leave my XH the same way, did a redirection a week or so prior ticking the box to be contacted by email only.

They sent a paper confirmation to my home, addressed to 'The Occupier' which my then H opened. I was out for the day with DD and was confronted with the situation when I got home.

It wasn't pleasant but we were OK...left that night and never went back.

In some ways I'm glad it happened as suspected I might never have had the kahunas to go through with it otherwise and we are much happier now.

Best of luck with it all.

Why do I feel so guilty about this? I want to tell
Him face to face but I know he won’t be reasonable. I hate what I’m doing to him despite all he’s done to us. Is this normal? you've spent years trying to make it work, trying to keep the peace, trying to create a good family home. It's natural to now be feeling guilty because you have decided that enough is enough.
Enough really is enough though. You are doing the best thing for you and for your dc. They will have a better life not living with him and so will you.
Have you got anyone to support you and help on the day?

2 more weeks. Luckily I have some amazing friends who are helping. I hid it all from them for so long.

Good luck OP - I'm rooting for you!

Just make sure you apply for the residency of your children before he sees them once you leave. Put everything in writing regarding access. As a child of a mother who didn't leave - you ARE doing the right thing. Wishing you the best of luck.

In your leaving message I would not call him abusive or in any way criticise his behaviour, because it is likely to enrage him and he may take that out on you in the future

You want to get away as peacefully and calmly. Say you are unhappy in the marriage, fell you need space and would like to remain on good terms with him for the sake of the children and you will seek legal advice to move things forward. Avoid confrontation.

I know you want to tell him the truth, but believe me distance and disengagement is your best option.

Thank you all for such great advice. I am going to log on the non emergency police website and also let them know that we’re not missing. If I do it now are they likely to visit my house and then he will find out? Would you wait?

I'm sure people will tell me if this is wrong for some reason, but my instinct would be to wait. Do it on the day you leave, as soon as you get to your new, safe place. Then there's no risk of him finding out any sooner than you want him to.

I think that would be my general principle for everything. Anything where there's a remote risk of him finding out, don't finalise it until you're out.

You can speak to the domestic abuse officer & tell them the situation, they will not come to your house, particularly if you tell them you are in no physical danger.
Are you the primary carer? Is he likely to fight you for child custody? You need to get advice on getting a residency order,