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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Leaving note

280 replies

Waaahbaby · 30/12/2021 08:45

In a few weeks I will be gone with the children, he doesn’t know and neither do they yet.
My plan is to collect them from school and take them to new house. I can’t sit down and talk with him so he will return to an empty house. What do I write in the note to say we have gone? He’s been abusive and controlling for years and I fully expect a backlash.

OP posts:
I0NA · 08/01/2022 16:30

@Waaahbaby

Thank you all for such great advice. I am going to log on the non emergency police website and also let them know that we’re not missing. If I do it now are they likely to visit my house and then he will find out? Would you wait?
I don’t think you can do it online , because you could be anybody.

I think you need to go into any police station with your ID and explain that you are fleeing domestic abuse and suspect your ex may maliciously report you as missing. They will just take a note and keep it on file so that police time isn’t wasted looking for you.

Newestname002 · 09/01/2022 05:18

@beastlyslumber

I'm sure people will tell me if this is wrong for some reason, but my instinct would be to wait. Do it on the day you leave, as soon as you get to your new, safe place. Then there's no risk of him finding out any sooner than you want him to.

I think that would be my general principle for everything. Anything where there's a remote risk of him finding out, don't finalise it until you're out.

Absolutely agree with this. Whilst I really hope your departure goes smoothly, you never know what last minute delay might trip you up and you don't want him forewarned until you are out and safe in your new home. Good luck to you OP. 🌹

Original poster
Waaahbaby · 09/01/2022 10:57

Sorry, I’m back again.
Do you think this looks okay?
Dear….
We have gone.
The children are safe and I will be in contact regarding arrangements for them.
This was not how I wanted to do things but we cannot continue like this any longer. I have done what is best for the children.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 09/01/2022 11:31

I think I would start with your reason for leaving. E.g., due to the way you scream and shout at the children and me and make us feel very unsafe and unhappy…

Original poster
Waaahbaby · 09/01/2022 11:33

Thank you x

OP posts:
PAND0RA · 09/01/2022 12:24

I think you should tell him how to contact you eg by email, through family member or solicitor.

Otherwise he will turn up at the school saying that he had no other way of contacting you.

TurquoiseDragon · 09/01/2022 12:38

@Ardvark111

Im not taking the piss at all.!! I’m just saying your note will make him read and reflect on his ways to you.!! And he maybe a abuser to you but not his children. He maybe a abusive partner but a good father.!!
I left a note. And it didn't make him reflect on his ways at all, except for him to double down on his abusiveness. Our DC were old enough to choose whether to see him, I never stood in their way. They chose not to see him, because he'd been abusive to them, too.

And I dispute that an abusive partner can ever be a good father.

2DogsOnMySofa · 10/01/2022 11:49

I'd not use the 'I'm gone' rather we've moved out. I'd also not talk to him on the phone, create an email address specifically for him, that was you can look at it when you want to and everything he says to you is written down and stored.

X
This note is to inform you that myself and the dc have moved out, due to the relationship being irretrievably broken. The children are safe and well. I will contact you before X date to discuss contact arrangements for the dc. If you wish to discuss anything beforehand please email me on X address, I will not be available on my mobile.

Then block him on your mobile phone.

Monstertrucks · 20/01/2022 20:19

I'm thinking that you are about to leave. So just wanted to wish you the very best of luck with everything.
If you're able please send update with how you are settling in to your new home and peaceful life xx

2018SoFarSoGreat · 20/01/2022 20:34

wishing the safety, peace and happiness, OP. Do let us know when you are in your new home, and safe.

billy1966 · 20/01/2022 21:05

The very best of luck.

I would tell him that you have informed the police that you are fleeing domestic abuse.

Original poster
Waaahbaby · 21/01/2022 06:13

Thank you. Today is the day.

OP posts:
2018SoFarSoGreat · 21/01/2022 06:21

You've got this. Stay calm. We are all here sending good wishes and strength with you!

Nidan2Sandan · 21/01/2022 06:30

Good luck x

Harlequin1088 · 21/01/2022 06:34

Cheering for you on the side lines. You’ve got this xx

girlmom21 · 21/01/2022 06:37

Good luck OP!

WisestIsShe · 21/01/2022 06:43

You can do this.

Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 21/01/2022 06:43
Flowers

Brew Cake Once you're safely there. Good luck!

wizzler · 21/01/2022 06:44

Good luck op.

updownroundandround · 21/01/2022 06:51

Keep strong OP !

Remember, he didn't give 2 shits about your feelings when he was calling you vile names and telling you that you were a 'shit parent', so now it's your turn to not give a shit about his 'feelings' !

Any and all communication from him will be designed to

  1. Undermine your confidence/ make you think you'll never 'cope'.
  2. Get you to return so he's not 'inconvenienced' by losing his free bill payer/launderer/cook/cleaner etc
  3. To get 'revenge' on you for daring to leave.

Don't believe any of it !

You have been effectively a single parent household for years ! You're simply 'offloading' excess bloody baggage and releasing yourself from the 'anchor' that has kept you gasping for breath !

You've got this ! Flowers

HettySunshine · 21/01/2022 06:51

Good luck darling. You are amazing!

Caaarrrl · 21/01/2022 06:53

I'm so angry that so many women on this thread have to go to these sorts of measures to ensure the safety of themselves and their children. Something in society really needs to change. Good luck ,OP. You are being amazing. Be careful.

Panda8383 · 21/01/2022 06:55

Good luck, you are an amazing strong woman x

User8721643839 · 21/01/2022 06:59

Oh Good Luck today
Everyone is rooting for you x
Let us know won't you!?

Potentialscroogeincognito · 21/01/2022 07:01

Good luck, you can do this. Xx

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