Leaving note

[Waaahbaby]

In a few weeks I will be gone with the children, he doesn’t know and neither do they yet.
My plan is to collect them from school and take them to new house. I can’t sit down and talk with him so he will return to an empty house. What do I write in the note to say we have gone? He’s been abusive and controlling for years and I fully expect a backlash.

I think telling police means that if he contacts them saying you're a missing person and have taken the kids, then they will know you aren't one

Definitely get legal advice.

If you're currently paying all the bills, what will happen when you leave? Will you be liable for rent on the place you're leaving? Do you have to give your landlord notice that you're leaving and/or tell them that your partner is now responsible for paying the rent?

Perhaps you should, in your note, also leave details of how to pay the bills and how much he needs to pay - making it clear that you are no longer paying them as of [x] date.

I agree with Tell the Police and/or social services, not only because you can get help from them, but also because it preempts the twat from calling them himself, saying you've kidnapped the kids and are mentally unstable. My abuser tried this, and because I learned from the wise vipers here, it didn't work.

Talk to your GP/medical contact too It'll also be good for you, in and of itself (not to mention in future when you're arguing contact or needing legal aid) to tell them that you're stressed, anxious and whatever else, because you're being abused. Don't minimise, don't hold back - this is no time to be diffident. You're string and you can do this, but accept every scrap of help that's available.

Best of luck. 🥰

Yes, you need to tell the police and the school.

You also need to have very open conversations with your children (in an age appropriate way obviously). I say this because one of my friends mums did this - just took them away from their dad and their home but wouldn't ever talk about why. They were deeply traumatised by the experience. I'm sure there was a very good reason for her decision but she never told them what it was.

Absolutely agree that you need to tell the school

Just wanted to wish you good luck

Change your phone number for every contact except his, change your passwords, set up Royal Mail change of address, switch off every find-your-phone app, log out of everything and set up 2 step security. Inform the school of a non pick up for father or anyone claiming to be family. Warn your relatives and friends closer to the day, get them to block his number. Trust no-one. Tell no-one your new address.

Absolutely nothing enrages an abuser more than loss of their control. He may hunt for you, telling lies and feeding sob stories to friends and neighbours He almost certainly will turn up at your work. Have you a separate bank account? Looked into your benefits entitlement? Got the contact number for CMS for the dc maintenance? Go anonymous on Council Tax and voting form(sorry, can't recall the exact legal word)
Think of it like this, if you went home and found your dc gone, what lengths would you go to, what would you do to get them back? Who would you harass and target for an answer? Think like that and set up counter measures.
Sending you love and the very best of luck. Fingers crossed tightly for you. xx

You've already had the excellent advice of making sure you tell the police, school, work, bank etc Just make sure that the police also know your new address, and that you are noted as 'at risk', so that they would come quickly if called.

I'd also encourage you to consider taking the kids out of school for a while, as he will know that he can find you there at drop off/pick up etc and follow you to your new house. (Also a few days off work if you think he'll show up there.)

Also consider whether he could find your address by looking up credit score companies and looking under 'linked addresses', as you will be 'linked' financially, so any new applications for utilities etc will be listed, along with your new address. (I'm not sure what you can do to prevent this, but maybe someone who's done it could advise you here ?)
Also recommend you join a credit score company too, in case he tries to open up credit in your name. This isn't unusual, because they know all your details/ signature etc and they always try to get 'revenge' because you've dared to defy him.

Also make sure any family/friends etc are aware, and that they are not to give out any information at all if he phones or visits.

Cancel your mobile contract or ask for a change of telephone number. ( I'd actually also do a 'factory reset' on my mobile in case there's any tracking apps etc that he could use to find you too.) Keep all communication to /from him via email ( Open a new email address specifically for him and block him from your usual email. Also remember to change all passwords for everything when you leave) because

1. You can take your time to compose your message, and he cannot interrupt or talk over you etc so he'll actually have to read what you write.
2. You can turn off notifications and only log in to read any messages when you feel able/ up to it, so he can't 'bully' you by forcing you to listen to him.
3. You have proof i.e a written log of all communication, including any and all threats/ bullying/ intimidation etc, so he's less likely to keep up the 'bullying' behavior in writing.

As for the 'letter', I'd keep it factual e.g

'This marriage is not working, and I've decided it's time for us to part ways. I will be filing for divorce. My mobile number will be disconnected, but you can email me at ................... if you need to discuss arrangements for the children.

Above all, keep yourself and your DC safe. Don't be tempted to 'relent' on anything to help him, no matter what sob story he tries to spin you, because it will be lies, designed to get access to you, because he can't bully you if he can't get to you.
Never allow him into your new home, ever, even if your DC are crying and he's outside pleading with you, because the moment you relent, he'll become a monster again.

Wishing you all the best
What a wonderful community of "wise vipers" MN is!

Phone police tell them your plans and the two addresses so it will be classed as higher priority if you do have to call them

Make sure school are aware and that they know only you are to collect the children

Get a new phone and number and don't share with anyone who may pass it to your ex. Keep old number for contacting him and any of his family members etc and switch off when you don't need to use it. Record every phone call you have with him if any, by using your new phone to video record while your on the phone to him on loud speaker. Keep in case you need in the future.

Park your car away from your new address and make sure nothing can be seen at windows or in garden that he'd recognise as yours. Keep all windows and doors locked at all times.

Don't drive straight from school or work to your new address in case your being followed.

Download the hollie guard app

Contact local womens aid for advice and support.

Good luck xxxx

Wow, you are all amazing, thank you. I’ve struggled to thinks straight but this advice is great. Luckily, I work at their school and have a great support network there. Was just thinking about all password changes. Have already set moving date for all bills. Thank you all so much.

@ChristmasPudding12

Phone police tell them your plans and the two addresses so it will be classed as higher priority if you do have to call them

Make sure school are aware and that they know only you are to collect the children

Get a new phone and number and don't share with anyone who may pass it to your ex. Keep old number for contacting him and any of his family members etc and switch off when you don't need to use it. Record every phone call you have with him if any, by using your new phone to video record while your on the phone to him on loud speaker. Keep in case you need in the future.

Park your car away from your new address and make sure nothing can be seen at windows or in garden that he'd recognise as yours. Keep all windows and doors locked at all times.

Don't drive straight from school or work to your new address in case your being followed.

Download the hollie guard app

Contact local womens aid for advice and support.

Good luck xxxx

This is a bloody brilliant list

@2catsandhappy

Change your phone number for every contact except his, change your passwords, set up Royal Mail change of address, switch off every find-your-phone app, log out of everything and set up 2 step security. Inform the school of a non pick up for father or anyone claiming to be family. Warn your relatives and friends closer to the day, get them to block his number. Trust no-one. Tell no-one your new address. Absolutely nothing enrages an abuser more than loss of their control. He may hunt for you, telling lies and feeding sob stories to friends and neighbours He almost certainly will turn up at your work. Have you a separate bank account? Looked into your benefits entitlement? Got the contact number for CMS for the dc maintenance? Go anonymous on Council Tax and voting form(sorry, can't recall the exact legal word) Think of it like this, if you went home and found your dc gone, what lengths would you go to, what would you do to get them back? Who would you harass and target for an answer? Think like that and set up counter measures. Sending you love and the very best of luck. Fingers crossed tightly for you. xx

This is all very good advice.

Great advice above.

Just stress to the police your fear for yours and your children's lives.

Give them the information and chance to keep you all safe.

Every good wish.

Thank you all. Will update when I’m gone and safe x

Only one thing to add to all the above advice (didn't see it but apologies if it's been mentioned). Make a copy of the leaving note and take a photo of where you've left it so that he can't deny its existence.

Well done OP and good luck

Don't forget to take the childrens teddies, even if you think they don't bother with them anymore & as much else if theirs as you possibly can. It MAY be your only opportunity to get your & their things. Be safe x

Make sure school are aware and that they know only you are to collect the children

Just be aware the school have no legal basis not to hand your children over to someone who has parental rights for them - they might be able to stall him but ultimately they can’t refuse to allow him to collect them. You working at their school may be a protective factor however it also potentially creates difficulties eg if he turned up looking for his kids, and they tried to refuse and you’re on site it could mean you being drawn into conflict, at your place of work, with your kids, colleagues and other kids caught in the cross fire. I’m not sure how you avoid this but, assuming he’s not a danger to the kids, putting temporary contact arrangements in place immediately might give you some breathing space - because you can then point him to whatever arrangements are in place rather than him appearing ad hoc.

Good luck, it’s a hard but freeing decision to leave.

Make sure school are aware and that they know only you are to collect the children

Jellycatspyjamas is correct about this. In order to prevent him from collecting the children you would need a court order.

Good luck

You are all so wise,thank you.

Good luck!

You say you pay all the bills. Is there a way you can stay where you are? With residency order and non-mol in place maybe? What's the ownership/tenancy situation?

His parents own the house. He is welcome to it. It’s never felt like home due to his interfering mother. I’ve been controlled by both of them for too long. He’s vile. He’s a bully to all of us.

@Waaahbaby
I have no further advice other than what's already been given which, to me, seems very good advice.
But I just wanted to wish you well x