Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He has 2mental breakdowns per week

168 replies

tortoiselover100 · 30/12/2021 00:54

I've been seeing a guy for 8 months. All was great, we always have an amazing time together. But as time has gone on, he spends about 3 nights per week at mine and is always fine. But on usually 2 nights nights out of the four he's on his own, he'll be texting all night, well into the morning about how he's on a massive downer. We sometimes FaceTime. He'll spend an hour and a half telling me how shit he feels, won't ask about me, just me to pretty much be his counsellor. His mental health seems poor.

He's stressed at work so that's the main reason but I'm so tired of him falling to pieces. He won't seek proper help, I tell him to go to the doctor, or get a counsellor, he just has excuses.

The good bits of the relationship are amazing, but every night he's not here, I just dread looking at my phone.

Any advice?

OP posts:
LHReturns · 30/12/2021 00:58

How old is he? And you? You do not need this hell.

TooExtraImmatureCheddar · 30/12/2021 00:59

Run a mile. You don’t need this shit.

Original poster
tortoiselover100 · 30/12/2021 01:00

We're both in our 40's, we both have kids and no intention for anymore

OP posts:
midlifecrash · 30/12/2021 01:00

Nothing you want to hear but I think you should get out, this is not sustainable. You could make yourself unavailable on some of those nights, if he’s angry or off with you rather than seeking the help he needs you have your answer. You’re nobody’s black hole to dump feelings in, and I do think he’s using you

Anordinarymum · 30/12/2021 01:02

And what does he bring to this relationship ? You are not his carer or his whipping boy. Let him move on and do it to someone else because he will

Original poster
tortoiselover100 · 30/12/2021 01:03

@midlifecrash

Nothing you want to hear but I think you should get out, this is not sustainable. You could make yourself unavailable on some of those nights, if he’s angry or off with you rather than seeking the help he needs you have your answer. You’re nobody’s black hole to dump feelings in, and I do think he’s using you
Using me? To deal with emotional issues. Yes I think he is using me. I can't understand if he just needs attention or wants me to focus on him rather than my kids/friends etc.
OP posts:
Rebeccasmoonnecklace · 30/12/2021 01:04

Does he live alone @tortoiselover100? Is he angling to move in with you? You sound like you are being very supportive.

I think you need to have a frank conversation with him about how his behaviour is affecting you. You need to let him know that he needs to seek help if the relationship is going to continue.

Blue4YOU · 30/12/2021 01:05

Christ almighty! I have PTSD and I don’t need to talk about it that much (once a month maybe).
Get rid?

Original poster
tortoiselover100 · 30/12/2021 01:06

@Anordinarymum

And what does he bring to this relationship ? You are not his carer or his whipping boy. Let him move on and do it to someone else because he will
When we're together, he's amazing, everything I've ever wanted. Just a broken mess when he's not with me.
OP posts:
Original poster
tortoiselover100 · 30/12/2021 01:07

@Rebeccasmoonnecklace

Does he live alone *@tortoiselover100*? Is he angling to move in with you? You sound like you are being very supportive.

I think you need to have a frank conversation with him about how his behaviour is affecting you. You need to let him know that he needs to seek help if the relationship is going to continue.

I suggested him moving in, before he got this bad, he isn't interested in the short term. Maybe long term though.
OP posts:
Original poster
tortoiselover100 · 30/12/2021 01:08

@Blue4YOU

Christ almighty! I have PTSD and I don’t need to talk about it that much (once a month maybe). Get rid?
I know, I said to my friend if it was once or twice a month I could cope, but it's twice a flipping week.
OP posts:
Vapeyvapevape · 30/12/2021 01:11

I think he’s doing it in the hope that you ask him to move in with you, especially if he’s ok when he’s at yours. Have you been to his place? Does he cook and clean for himself?

LHReturns · 30/12/2021 01:11

If you were advising a friend you would tell her/him to leave him. Managing his mental shite will become a habit and you deserve so much better. This will not change. I wouldn’t even try, just tell him that this isn’t for you. Don’t fall in love with this status quo.

PlanktonsComputerWife · 30/12/2021 01:11

He sounds like a self-pitying, attention-seeking dickhead.

Eight months in, this should still be your honeymoon period.

Original poster
tortoiselover100 · 30/12/2021 01:12

@Vapeyvapevape

I think he’s doing it in the hope that you ask him to move in with you, especially if he’s ok when he’s at yours. Have you been to his place? Does he cook and clean for himself?
He doesn't cook or clean well.
OP posts:
Original poster
tortoiselover100 · 30/12/2021 01:14

@LHReturns

If you were advising a friend you would tell her/him to leave him. Managing his mental shite will become a habit and you deserve so much better. This will not change. I wouldn’t even try, just tell him that this isn’t for you. Don’t fall in love with this status quo.
Yeah, I don't want this all the time ..
OP posts:
Vapeyvapevape · 30/12/2021 01:15

I would finish it , it’s not up to you to sort him out, the constant moaning and the fact he can’t really look after himself are very unattractive.

Original poster
tortoiselover100 · 30/12/2021 01:16

@PlanktonsComputerWife

He sounds like a self-pitying, attention-seeking dickhead.

Eight months in, this should still be your honeymoon period.

Yes he is, he's lovely when he's lovely, but I can't see this ending. He's just too self centred.
OP posts:
Rebeccasmoonnecklace · 30/12/2021 01:16

@tortoiselover100 It seems all your suggestions are met with negativity from him and I appreciate how draining that must be for you. If he won’t get support for his mental health needs then the only thing you can do is limit your availability on the days you are not together so you retain your sanity. He sounds like hard work.

Original poster
tortoiselover100 · 30/12/2021 01:17

@Vapeyvapevape

I would finish it , it’s not up to you to sort him out, the constant moaning and the fact he can’t really look after himself are very unattractive.
Yeah, the last few weeks it's been really bad. He should be at least trying to give a good impression.
OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 30/12/2021 01:19

Give your head a massive wobble and run for your life. Everything about this man will just get worse. He's an emotional terrorist.

ErmineAndPearls · 30/12/2021 01:19

Eight months in, you have no obligation to be this man’s carer. This relationship is past it’s best already. Sadly I recognise the endless talking about himself, with never a query about how you’re doing. It’s a shame that he’s feeling bad but as other posters have said, many people spend time on “a massive downer” without having to drag other people down with them. It’s so needy and self indulgent. He already spends too much time in your house and it sounds like he’s angling to move in. You’re actually lucky that your high-maintenance joy-vampire revealed himself so early on. I married mine.

Original poster
tortoiselover100 · 30/12/2021 01:23

@Aquamarine1029

Give your head a massive wobble and run for your life. Everything about this man will just get worse. He's an emotional terrorist.
Emotional terrorist is a good expression, and sadly I think accurate.
OP posts:
Original poster
tortoiselover100 · 30/12/2021 01:25

@ErmineAndPearls

Eight months in, you have no obligation to be this man’s carer. This relationship is past it’s best already. Sadly I recognise the endless talking about himself, with never a query about how you’re doing. It’s a shame that he’s feeling bad but as other posters have said, many people spend time on “a massive downer” without having to drag other people down with them. It’s so needy and self indulgent. He already spends too much time in your house and it sounds like he’s angling to move in. You’re actually lucky that your high-maintenance joy-vampire revealed himself so early on. I married mine.
Yeah, you're right, knowing this sooner rather Han later is for the best x
OP posts:
EleonorBronte · 30/12/2021 01:29

he sounds poor, get rid