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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He has 2mental breakdowns per week

168 replies

tortoiselover100 · 30/12/2021 00:54

I've been seeing a guy for 8 months. All was great, we always have an amazing time together. But as time has gone on, he spends about 3 nights per week at mine and is always fine. But on usually 2 nights nights out of the four he's on his own, he'll be texting all night, well into the morning about how he's on a massive downer. We sometimes FaceTime. He'll spend an hour and a half telling me how shit he feels, won't ask about me, just me to pretty much be his counsellor. His mental health seems poor.

He's stressed at work so that's the main reason but I'm so tired of him falling to pieces. He won't seek proper help, I tell him to go to the doctor, or get a counsellor, he just has excuses.

The good bits of the relationship are amazing, but every night he's not here, I just dread looking at my phone.

Any advice?

OP posts:
CiaoForDiNiaoSaur · 30/12/2021 11:34

I dated a man like this for a year. It was fucking exhausting and I felt like I was going mad. Only difference was he was the one asking to move in and I was the one saying no fucking way

He wasn't having mental breakdowns. He was abusive.

ChaToilLeam · 30/12/2021 11:37

Get rid get rid get rid!

Georgeskitchen · 30/12/2021 12:05

He does sound very needy. The warning lights are flashing
I would end it

me4real · 30/12/2021 12:05

It sounds like he's trying to manipulate you into having him around all the time.

Either way, this wouldn't be what most women would want in a man and I'm sure it's not what you want either. Bin.

LIZS · 30/12/2021 12:08

Signpost him to a mh support charity and suggest you take a break while he seeks help. Where are his dc while he is behaving like this to you?

LeifSan · 30/12/2021 13:27

Convenient these ‘breakdowns’ only occur when he’s not with you. Means he can monopolise your tone and attention for at least 5 nights a week (with the nights you see each other included). He’s manipulative and selfish. I hope you dump him.

Whatwouldscullydo · 30/12/2021 13:29

Oh op

You aren't his mother or his therapist. It's not your job to fix him.

Walk away before he takes your mental health down with him.

CharSiu · 30/12/2021 13:34

He knows exactly what your doing when he isn’t with you because you are on the phone, it stops you having a life without him.

Has he actually shared why he is so down. Death of a loved one, redundancy or anything at all?

Pinkbonbon · 30/12/2021 13:43

Think this may be text dump territory op. Either that or do it in a public place. Stay safe!

QueenofLouisiana · 30/12/2021 13:45

My teen DS would call him a fun sponge and I think that’s a polite way of putting it. He’s controlling you by demanding attention when you aren’t together, I can guarantee that the ways in which he will do this will escalate if you ignore his whining.

It’s lovely that you want to be supportive, but this isn’t a long term partner, so time to call it a day. And block.

gamerchick · 30/12/2021 13:51

He may not want to move in but he does want to monopolies your full attention. Who could be arsed after 5 minutes together?

Juniper68 · 30/12/2021 13:54

Get ready for emotional blackhall if you do dump him.

Suzanne999 · 30/12/2021 13:57

Bringing back memories of H1 before I was stupid enough to marry him.
How sad his life was, how much better it would be if we got married. How depressed he was when I wasn’t there, boo hoo.
Stupidly, stupidly married him. He turned out to be a depressive alcoholic who later became threatening, nasty, toxic. I eventually loaded the car with as much as I could and ran….
Get out now, this does not bode well. There are professionals who can help him, it’s not your job.

SocialConnection · 30/12/2021 14:14

You have instantly become his mental health crutch. When you're there he's good. When you're not, he's not. The pressure this puts you under must be unbearable.

There are professionals whose job it is to do this. They're called, trained, experienced, skilled, insured. Are you?

This will drag you down too. And who will you have to lean all your weight on then, like he's doing to you now?

Astrak · 30/12/2021 14:45

Please extricate yourself from dealing with this man.
If you don't make a total, complete break you will have no time/energy for you, your children or yourself. He is not a good investment. Be firm.
You and your children deserve so much better!

IncompleteSenten · 30/12/2021 14:46

Holy fuck.
You would actually sign up to living with him?
Can you not see how very badly that would end?

Original poster
tortoiselover100 · 30/12/2021 15:39

@Skiptheheartsandflowers

What happens if you don't respond to the calls or messages? E.g. if you're working late or catching up with a friend? Try this if it hasn't already happened. If it then escalates that's a real worry for the future.
If I ignore him, I can usually see by his trail of emails or texts that he spirals but them pulls himself around.
OP posts:
Original poster
tortoiselover100 · 30/12/2021 15:40

@Flickflak

Sounds like an emotional vampire.

Run.

Block his number after you let him know and if he has keys to your place change the locks.

He doesn't have keys to my place thankfully
OP posts:
Original poster
tortoiselover100 · 30/12/2021 15:47

@Tarne

Did you want to be an unpaid mental health nurse/ counselor in your free time?

Are you qualified for this role?

Is this what you enjoy doing?

He sounds utterly self absorbed, narcissistic and controlling and it is shocking that you find this behaviour attractive.

It is disturbing and suffocating and your mental health is going to be wrecked if you stay with such an odd, dysfunctional control freak

He's lovely when we're together and over time he's got worse and worse when we aren't together. Mainly down to work stress but he just seems to have a one man pity party a couple of times a week. It really isn't attractive. And he dumps it on me with no thought for the effect on me, just, 'no one has ever been there for me before, thank god you listen to me and are there for me etc' I wanted to help, I liked making him feel validated but my gosh it's exhausting and he only asks about me when he realises I might get stroppy with him for being so self centred, which he is a lot. He has lots of good points, but I can't prop up his mental health forever.
OP posts:
Original poster
tortoiselover100 · 30/12/2021 15:50

@ESGdance

Could he be a problem drinker / weed smoker - when he’s not with you?

What’s his relationship history?

Your DCs don’t need their mother preoccupied and exhausted with his shit. You can’t be in two emotional places at once. Choose to focus your emotional energy in your DCs.

Problem drinker - yes, problem weed smoker, I think he does smoke when he's not with me.
OP posts:
Puffalicious · 30/12/2021 15:53

@SocialConnection

You have instantly become his mental health crutch. When you're there he's good. When you're not, he's not. The pressure this puts you under must be unbearable.

There are professionals whose job it is to do this. They're called, trained, experienced, skilled, insured. Are you?

This will drag you down too. And who will you have to lean all your weight on then, like he's doing to you now?

Exactly this. I have the utmost sympathy for those who suffer poor MH but I just couldn't be in a relationship with someone who clearly needs so much help. Run.
Itsnotdeep · 30/12/2021 15:53

Gosh he sounds really enticing - weed, self-pitying, needy, moaning, doesn't clean or cook.

Original poster
tortoiselover100 · 30/12/2021 15:55

@Unreasonabubble

Opps! He is a cocklodger of the first order. He wants to move in so you can look after him. Do his washing, cook him meals, provide sex and so much more.

You DO NOT need this.

Get rid of him. Have someone who is EQUAL to you and can emotionally support you.

I thought he was my equal, but he just is too wrapped up in himself to see me sometimes. It's sad as I thought he was the one. I don't think that now, I think I just know too much about him now and to be my equal he would have to mask or pretend.
OP posts:
OakRowan · 30/12/2021 15:58

8 months? Nope. He's making you completely responsible for his moods, his MH, dependent on you for his happiness. Manipulative, controlling, wrong, huge potential for this to be a seriously abusive relationship very quickly. What does he do to manage his work stress and alone time in a healthy way? Absolutely nothing. It is emotionally abusive to treat someone like this, to be so needy as an adult. Its not normal, or sustainable. Bin him off and be prepared for it to get worse before it gets better, tell someone in real life when you do, I'd bet my house he would ramp up the drama, harassing you because he NEEEEDS you and he is so unbearably unhappy, can't imagine life without you.
Run a mile. Terrible relationship model for your kids too, not safe for them.

Bluntness100 · 30/12/2021 15:58

Yeah, I’d get out. Unless you’re looking to dedicate your life to propping this man up. That level of needy ness is difficult to manage, and is really emotionally draining. And it won’t be long till it’s when he’s with you too.