He has 2mental breakdowns per week

[tortoiselover100]

I've been seeing a guy for 8 months. All was great, we always have an amazing time together. But as time has gone on, he spends about 3 nights per week at mine and is always fine. But on usually 2 nights nights out of the four he's on his own, he'll be texting all night, well into the morning about how he's on a massive downer. We sometimes FaceTime. He'll spend an hour and a half telling me how shit he feels, won't ask about me, just me to pretty much be his counsellor. His mental health seems poor.

He's stressed at work so that's the main reason but I'm so tired of him falling to pieces. He won't seek proper help, I tell him to go to the doctor, or get a counsellor, he just has excuses.

The good bits of the relationship are amazing, but every night he's not here, I just dread looking at my phone.

Any advice?

Use the two weeks to consider how much better you're feeling not constantly having to tiptoe round his issues.

And to consider the impact on your children's mental health, safety, behaviour etc if you allowed him anywhere near them, you or your home again.

If I've read it right and he's a drug and alcohol user with mental health issues and. coercive controlling tendencies there is only one course of action.

@Forgothowmuchlhatehomeschoolin

My sister is going through this at the moment ....very hard situation because although you care, it is a heavy burden to carry too.

Do listen to this because someone like that can lure you in. Eventually you are dealing with all sorts of crap and you don't feel able to tell them to sling their hook.

I agree it's a form of control. DSis was with a vile man for a long time; he would pull every string to try to guilt-trip her into staying with him whenever she showed signs of independent thought. He moved on to full-on suicide threats, he even purported to attempt suicide once so that he ended up in hospital, but it was pretty half-hearted. Happily she did eventually break off with him, and two years later he's never put his suicide threat into effect.

@RobertSmithsLipstick

I reckon he drinks loads when you're apart, then gets maudlin - hence him not wanting to move in, as it would mean he would have to toe the line a bit.

I think you're right

@supercali77

It sounds like emotional control to me. If you Google vulnerable narcissism it might ring some bells. Im not saying he's NPD but...varying scale of emotionally vulnerable terrorism tactics. After 2 weeks I would ditch this because unless he's bloody serious about sorting his head out he'll fall back into controlling you emotionally.

I've never considered him to be a narcissist, he has a low opinion of himself. But some points so ring true.

@UserError012345

Youre his free therapy.

I'd exit this and quick.

Establish your boundaries going forward.

I absolutely feel like his free therapy. No wonder he's jot going anywhere else for it.

OP. Vulnerable narcissism presents very differently to typical grandiose. Im not a major fan of diagnosing everyone who's an arse as NPD but his behaviour is OTT melodramatics and seems highly controlling to me

And he dumps it on me with no thought for the effect on me, just, 'no one has ever been there for me before, thank god you listen to me and are there for me etc' I wanted to help, I liked making him feel validated but my gosh it's exhausting and he only asks about me when he realises I might get stroppy with him for being so self centred, which he is a lot. He has lots of good points, but I can't prop up his mental health forever.

Be glad you have realised this before getting any further enmeshed. You know what to do, what you would tell a daughter, sister or friend to do. Hell, what you would tell anyone to do in this situation.

Enjoy your break and just don't let yourself get sucked back in.

"This is not working for me". And block.

He doesn't care about you, except in so far are you are there for him. You have yourself and your DC as your priority, don't let him steal your attention.

This is too much to tolerate for a short term relationship. If you were married/living together of course you would try to support your partner but you don't need this OP, to put it bluntly. Get out.

I knew posting on here would give me a range of perspectives and help me to see things I couldn't see clearly myself but it's been really enlightening. I was totally in love with him and happy to help him through tough times until he played the suicide card. Now after reading all the responses, it's shown me that the lovely man who I thought was a bit flawed (we all are) and who was having a rough time at work is in fact using controlling and abusive tactics and just always trying to get all attention on him and I'm likely to end up the carer long term rather than an equal partner.

Thank you! A couple of weeks break to plot a way to extricate myself with as little collateral damage is now in order. A cold clinical text and block and hand over belongings is possible. Or just make myself less and less available over the next few weeks maybe. So it's less of a shock, I need to figure out how to get him to accept it and move on quickly rather than hound me etc. I get the harassment thing so could use that. Thanks wise vipers 🙏

Congratulations OP! This is fantastic self care and childcare, and a real breakthrough.

Great OP, good luck. Keep posting if needed!

Glad you're taking steps op!

And yes to the fact that not all narcissists are grandiose. You get vulnerable narcissists but also, just narcissists that aren't particularly grandiose. I would say that what links them all is not pomposity, but selfishness.

Ps, one vote for the text and block method. I don't think it's going to be possible to stop him hounding you for a bit but the best thing you can do is to be firm with these sorts. As they take kindness (eg, slowly pulling away instead of firmly saying 'no') as weakness. And they attack weakness.

I couldn’t be arsed with this if we hadn’t been together long and I wasn’t head over heels. This is when it’s meant to be fun. None of what you’re describing sounds fun.

I'd anticipate a dramatic attempt to ramp up the pressure. Something like a late night voicemail 'to say goodbye' or other such shite. Or a fake sobering up 'I realised what I might lose'. Or, the one that I had - an attempted forcible moving in 'I'm homeless, I've come here for us to be together, marry me and we'll set up a joint account, but I have nowhere to go, I'll have to sleep in my car now I've given up my flat for YOU, it's so cold' (plus fake suicide attempt where he got hoyed out of the house headfirst and multiple Goodbye messages - before iPhones enabled a block function - plus many messages about there being a family 'emergency' or 'terrible news' I'd 'need to know about' and invitations for a coffee 'as friends, for closure'.) Oh, and repeated accusations of it obviously being because I was sleeping with another man. And when I wouldn't respond, he was 'worried' and was coming over to check if I was alive. And that he'd seen me with another man so it was time to meet him and get things straight once for all.

It's all so very tedious when they do the full script.

If, as you say, he's a problem drinker - ie, an alcoholic looking for somebody to feed, clothe and house him whilst he drinks himself stupid and claims he's tired/got a headache/needs you to massage his poor, sore neck when you get in from work because he's so worn out from wiping over a kitchen countertop - he's not going to be happy about this one bit.

Haha pp covering all the basis xD

He could go the other way, realising he has been too obvious and so completely stop the neediness bs for a while ('you were right, I'm going to get counciling instead of putting it on you in future') and switch it with another control tactic slowly, over time. Like telling her her family and friends think a certain way about her so that she automatically chooses to spend less time with them.

But considering how full on and blatant he is being about things... then it may be that he can't go back to subtle power plays.

Some narcissists are like nails very slowly being dragged over a blackboard, stopping qmd starting. Some are more like someone screaming incessantly in your ear. Some, switch it up.

But if I had to bet, I'd bet pp is right and this one'll be full on from the off.

Beware of the "I've seen the light" talk.
Breaking down in tears, telling you that for the first time in his life, he's going to go to counselling, that he realises now, but it was only ever because he was afraid....
Yes, afraid! That he might lose you, that he wasn't good enough, blah blah blah...