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Original poster

He has 2mental breakdowns per week

168 replies

tortoiselover100 · 30/12/2021 00:54

I've been seeing a guy for 8 months. All was great, we always have an amazing time together. But as time has gone on, he spends about 3 nights per week at mine and is always fine. But on usually 2 nights nights out of the four he's on his own, he'll be texting all night, well into the morning about how he's on a massive downer. We sometimes FaceTime. He'll spend an hour and a half telling me how shit he feels, won't ask about me, just me to pretty much be his counsellor. His mental health seems poor.

He's stressed at work so that's the main reason but I'm so tired of him falling to pieces. He won't seek proper help, I tell him to go to the doctor, or get a counsellor, he just has excuses.

The good bits of the relationship are amazing, but every night he's not here, I just dread looking at my phone.

Any advice?

OP posts:
BinChicken3 · 30/12/2021 01:30

You’re in your 40s, and you want to take on someone with this much baggage that you’ve known for only 8 months? Why? Just why?

Surely before you started dating you worked out what would be attractive to you in a new partner? Ie you don’t want kids? Would you be happy with a smoker or could you only handle a non smoker? Would you want to be in a relationship with someone who had three kids under the age of 10? Did you want someone with similar interests to you, ie fitness, cafes, theatre, sports, etc?

But why on earth would you want to get with someone who has this amount of baggage? Why on earth would you decide that part of the attraction of a new new partner could be someone this needy and moody? This is where you say no, this is not the life I want for the next 40 years. Madness.

Anordinarymum · 30/12/2021 01:30

Does he smoke weed OP

LuluBlakey1 · 30/12/2021 01:32

I couldn't be bothered with that at the start of a relationship.

Skiptheheartsandflowers · 30/12/2021 01:33

What happens if you don't respond to the calls or messages? E.g. if you're working late or catching up with a friend? Try this if it hasn't already happened. If it then escalates that's a real worry for the future.

Flickflak · 30/12/2021 01:53

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

RobertSmithsLipstick · 30/12/2021 01:59

I think he's trying to elbow his way into living with you.
Gradually he'll work it round to the fact that he's just really unhappy away from you...................?

Pinkbonbon · 30/12/2021 01:59

Is it possible that he is doing it to be controlling?Eg: to make sure you don't have a life outwith paying him attention.

Dude needs a councilor.
You aren't one.
Dump.

Tarne · 30/12/2021 02:16

Did you want to be an unpaid mental health nurse/ counselor in your free time?

Are you qualified for this role?

Is this what you enjoy doing?

He sounds utterly self absorbed, narcissistic and controlling and it is shocking that you find this behaviour attractive.

It is disturbing and suffocating and your mental health is going to be wrecked if you stay with such an odd, dysfunctional control freak

Toddlerteaplease · 30/12/2021 02:29

It shouldn't be this hard work after only 8 months.

UniversalAunt · 30/12/2021 02:41

He’s an emotional vampire, draining your energy.
Not a good prospect for fun & giggles in times to come.

Strongly encourage him to see his GP as he seems to you to be depressed with low mood. Suggest that he asks to see a counsellor as he has a need to talk things though & this is something that you cannot do with him, he needs a trained professional.

It may be that you have to be direct & blunt - you do not want to be 8n loved with someone who has low mood, is needy & self-absorbed. He may well strongly dislike you for your honesty, but then he may go get some help.

You are not his therapist, not his carer, not his mummy.

You have only this life, you have children already & do not want or need an emotionally depressed dependent adult. Be blunt.

UniversalAunt · 30/12/2021 02:43

You do not want to be involved with …

1forAll74 · 30/12/2021 02:47

He needs to go away,and get sorted, and think about this kind of behaviour, and how he can get a bit more normal when alone..

UniversalAunt · 30/12/2021 02:49

It does sound like he’s testing how much he can dump on you before you’ll tell him to fuck off.

Being wonderful when he’s at yours is setting up a utopian fantasy that you are really good for him, everything goes right when he’s with you & we are so fab together, when do I move in? This is manipulative bollocks, do not fall for it. There is prolly a script for this in Cocklodgers For Beginners.

He’s a vampire, do not invite him over the threshold (or pick up the phone).

GiantHaystacks2021 · 30/12/2021 02:53

Bin and run.

ESGdance · 30/12/2021 03:12

Could he be a problem drinker / weed smoker - when he’s not with you?

What’s his relationship history?

Your DCs don’t need their mother preoccupied and exhausted with his shit. You can’t be in two emotional places at once. Choose to focus your emotional energy in your DCs.

Geppili · 30/12/2021 03:28

He wants you to nurse and mother and housekeep for him. Run!

Ilady · 30/12/2021 04:04

I think he wants to move in with you. He is in his 40's and you said he not a great cook or cleaner. Along with this the nights he not in your house he is hounding you because he is in a low place. He needs to go to his GP, get counselling or take medication to improve his mental health.
Early in a relationship we generally try to show our best side. This man is showing he is needy and unwilling to help himself. Instead he thinks you going to be his replacement mammy, nurse and housekeeper.
At least you have seen his true colours now.

At this stage of your life I would not be willing to take on the hardship you will have if you stay or let him move into your home. I would tell him it's over, block him and change the locks on your door if he has a key.

RantyAunty · 30/12/2021 04:12

Good grief get rid.

He has to want to get help for himself, not dump it all on you as his free therapist.

gonnabeok · 30/12/2021 04:12

Run for the hills. I lived with someone like this for many years, it completely drains you and sucks the life out of you. If he moves in you will have it all of the time. DONT DO IT.

user1471457751 · 30/12/2021 04:23

Why on earth did you invite him to move in with you and your children? You barely know the guy, your kids shouldn't know him at all yet and the relationship is making you miserable. Sounds like he was the sensible one in saying no to moving in

daisychain01 · 30/12/2021 04:58

When we're together, he's amazing, everything I've ever wanted. Just a broken mess when he's not with me.

Come one, wise up - nothing is amazing when he can switch the tap on and off. There's no way an attention seeker can transform themselves from being "amazing" one minute to a snivelling wreck over night.

If I was being kind, at the very least I'd say you're wearing rose tinted glasses, but worryingly deluded is possibly more like it.

And giving him a way into your life by coming to live with you - really?? You'll never get rid of him!

Unreasonabubble · 30/12/2021 05:07

Opps! He is a cocklodger of the first order. He wants to move in so you can look after him. Do his washing, cook him meals, provide sex and so much more.

You DO NOT need this.

Get rid of him. Have someone who is EQUAL to you and can emotionally support you.

Justmuddlingalong · 30/12/2021 05:42

That sounds suffocating. You're his new GF, not a therapist, not a carer, not an emotional crutch, not an equal partner in the relationship. Continuing to see him will suck the joy out of your life and leave you emotionally exhausted. His behaviour is understandably causing resentment which will only increase as time goes on, so I'd cut my losses now before his neediness causes any emotional damage to you.

layladomino · 30/12/2021 07:26

He sees your job as being the supportive one. The strong one. The place he can dump all his feelings so he can feel better. He doesn't ask about you or your day. As far as he's concerned his feelings are much more important.

None of this will get better. You will end up feeling like his carer, and resenting him.

If you'd been together years and he had developed a MH illness it would be different. But this person is showing you from the start - when most people are still in the 'trying to impress' stage - that they expect your role to be the supportive carer.

It would be easier to feel sympathy if he was seeking professional help, but his refusal to do that is worrying.... he is putting all the responsibility for his feelings at your door rather than taking responsibilty himself.

Original poster
tortoiselover100 · 30/12/2021 11:29

@user1471457751

Why on earth did you invite him to move in with you and your children? You barely know the guy, your kids shouldn't know him at all yet and the relationship is making you miserable. Sounds like he was the sensible one in saying no to moving in
I talked about him maybe moving in next summer, we would have been together for more than a. Year then, but he said he wanted to start where he was. He's met my kids but not spent a huge amount of time with them. He was t quite as bad as is he now though.
OP posts: