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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He has 2mental breakdowns per week

168 replies

tortoiselover100 · 30/12/2021 00:54

I've been seeing a guy for 8 months. All was great, we always have an amazing time together. But as time has gone on, he spends about 3 nights per week at mine and is always fine. But on usually 2 nights nights out of the four he's on his own, he'll be texting all night, well into the morning about how he's on a massive downer. We sometimes FaceTime. He'll spend an hour and a half telling me how shit he feels, won't ask about me, just me to pretty much be his counsellor. His mental health seems poor.

He's stressed at work so that's the main reason but I'm so tired of him falling to pieces. He won't seek proper help, I tell him to go to the doctor, or get a counsellor, he just has excuses.

The good bits of the relationship are amazing, but every night he's not here, I just dread looking at my phone.

Any advice?

OP posts:
Holothane · 30/12/2021 22:55

Please listen I’m now my husbands cater have been for years I’m emotionally broke have arthritis as well I’m worn out with it all. Don’t be me in 15 years time.

reader12 · 30/12/2021 23:08

Yeah fuck that.

Well done for blocking him.

Look after your kids instead of this leech.

Original poster
tortoiselover100 · 30/12/2021 23:28

@ESGdance

Good for you for posting here, considering opinions and taking what resonates with you to take some action.

However - I predict a “MH crisis” a suicide threat or some other issue to trigger your blue light rescuer tendencies. If he pulls this stunt - call the police / ambulance to do a welfare check on him. If it’s fake he will be called out - if it isn’t then the best professionals are there to deal with him.

Either way use the space you have created to emotionally detach from him.

To be honest, he mentioned the word suicide last night. First time ever. A close family member died of suicide and he knows the trauma I went through with that so I reacted badly last night. That's what prompted me for the first time to really consider his breakdowns and to post on Mumsnet. That was a line too far for me. Without that, I probably would have kept trying to rescue him weekly from his crappy mental health. I think his tactics last night might have backfired.
OP posts:
Original poster
tortoiselover100 · 30/12/2021 23:29

@Holothane

Please listen I’m now my husbands cater have been for years I’m emotionally broke have arthritis as well I’m worn out with it all. Don’t be me in 15 years time.
That makes me sad, I don't want tHat future. Thanks
OP posts:
UniversalAunt · 30/12/2021 23:30

I am with @D0lphine & the others, he is playing you.
Love bombing when you are together, then pathetic & wheedling when you apart & should be getting on with your own life on your own terms. Instead he is keeping you at his beck & call, even when he’s not talk8mg to you.

He’ll hold back for two weeks because he has to so that he can get back to the plan: move in & make you responsible for his life.

Please be ruthless for your own sake & for your kids sake, do not pick up with him once the two weeks are up. He’ll have loads of excuses about why he has not done stuff to sort himself out, oh it’s been awful without you etc… There’ll be some irrefutable reason about why you are the one & he should live with you. Just don’t.

Original poster
tortoiselover100 · 30/12/2021 23:30

@OakRowan

Totally agree, it is controlling behaviour, its manipulative. OP what will you do in 2 weeks, when he's back telling you how he's struggled without you and sat by his phone, swears he has thought deeply about what you've said and he agrees, crying that he wants to be happier and be a better man and you are the woman who has shown him the way? He wants to try, for you? He will lay it on deep, but literally no one has ever changed a problem personality in 2 weeks, it won't alter him at all. Gives him 2 weeks to wallow and work out his next move. Make it permanent, cut him off for good, he's robbing you of time and energy you could be giving yourself and your kids and he's not ashamed, he's a wrong un.
I just know I need the peace over the next couple of weeks. If I ended it with him today, he would have been hounding me, persuading me back, love bombing me etc. At least 2 weeks apart gives me time to think.
OP posts:
Original poster
tortoiselover100 · 30/12/2021 23:34

@D0lphine

Just to offer a different perspective.

My (absolute cluster fuck) ex used to constantly message me on nights when I wasn't with him. Sometimes he would say he was having a stressful evening or whatever.

When I spoke to my counsellor about this, she said it was perhaps a method of control. Taking my attention even when we weren't together. Making sure that I wasn't with anyone else.

I think my counsellor was right about this. It never occurred to me at the time and I thought I was being a supportive gf.

Could that be what's going on here?

Actually, it could be a form of control, making sure I'm focused on him. Often when I have my kids, he'll message over and over again and I put my phone on silent and answer much later but I think, he knows I'm with them and want to give them my attention, he's just trying to suck me in because he wants my attention.
OP posts:
ESGdance · 30/12/2021 23:36

These types are such a cliche and so predictable. Quite helpful really so you can spot the manipulation a mile off. I am sorry that you have experienced suicide in your family and he is despicable to exploit that.

He really is vile.

UniversalAunt · 30/12/2021 23:37

Oh my, @tortoiselover100, our posts have crossed.

This is what I meant, by some irrefutable reason, such as preying upon your feelings about your close friend - ‘Oh Tortoise, how could you turn me away, how could you not rescue me, don’t desert me ….I am like your poor friend & looked what happened there.’

He’s there already, pulling your strings, pushing your buttons, playing upon the complexity of your feelings, all those soft regrets, remorses & sadnesses.

Trust your gut feeling & reaction, the ones that brought you here to MN.
Get out of this situation for good & quickly.

UniversalAunt · 30/12/2021 23:48

He has got you so that you cannot end it right now because he will lay on the emotional manipulation & harass you.

‘ If I ended it with him today, he would have been hounding me, persuading me back, love bombing me etc.’

What would tell your best friend suggest that you do?

In the coming two weeks, be prepared & get a new mobile number. End the relationship by text or phone from the old number & chuck that number - do not have it in a phone that can ring or take messages. Make it clear that you do not want him anywhere near your home. If he comes round/plays up on your doorstep/threatens or harasses you, then ring the police to remove him.

If he threatens suicide, ask the police to make a welfare check.

billy1966 · 30/12/2021 23:58

Realise that you are a means to an end for him, you really are nothing to him.

Simply a commodity to be used.

He thought mentioning suicide might reel you in.

You know this loser only 8 months and he is in a position to potentially cause you great distress with his tactics.

You have children that need their mother well and strong.

I mean it really kindly, but get a grip, and step away from this clusterfxxk that means both you and your children great harm.

Flowers
D0lphine · 31/12/2021 02:14

Actually, it could be a form of control, making sure I'm focused on him. Often when I have my kids, he'll message over and over again and I put my phone on silent and answer much later but I think, he knows I'm with them and want to give them my attention, he's just trying to suck me in because he wants my attention.

I can't speak for you but with my ex the messages and attention seeking just got worse and worse.

It culminated in him messaging over 65 messages in a row on what's app. 65 messages, with no reply. This was in the space of about 1.5 hours?? When I was out for dinner with a friend I hadn't seen in ages.

It was just attention seeking and also checking up on me to make sure I wasn't cheating.

But he was so fucking sneaky he didn't so the obvious "where are you tell me who you're with or else". Instead he did the "hi babe really struggling tonight. Having loads of really bad thoughts." Etc.

My counsellor said that as women were taught to be nice and supportive and to listen to our OH problems etc.

But I learned that it's fine to set up a boundary and say that behaviour isn't acceptable. It doesn't make us mean. It just increases our self respect.

Closetbeanmuncher · 31/12/2021 02:25

He doesn't cook or clean well

So in essence what you have is an emotional wreck who doesn't look after himself....

Run. For. The. Hills.

RobertSmithsLipstick · 31/12/2021 02:29

Also, he has said you're the only person who has listened to him and supported him.
Another classic way of setting you up as wanting to be the one to really help him...

Closetbeanmuncher · 31/12/2021 02:30

To be honest, he mentioned the word suicide last night. First time ever. A close family member died of suicide and he knows the trauma I went through with that so I reacted badly last night

I think the emotional terrorist description mentioned up thread is spot on after reading this. I really hope you get rid of him for your own peace of mind.

MrsHookey · 31/12/2021 08:23

@gonnabeok

Run for the hills. I lived with someone like this for many years, it completely drains you and sucks the life out of you. If he moves in you will have it all of the time. DONT DO IT.
I agree. I spent years living with someone like this. They took, took, took and I gave, gave, gave. When the relationship ended, all the bending over backwards to accommodate his mental health struggles were never acknowledged. Increasingly I put up with more crap and he sucked me dry financially as well.

This person will never recognise or appreciate your efforts to help. And my feeling is they will happily grind you into the ground and come out the victim themselves.

MrsHookey · 31/12/2021 08:26

Just cut off without signposting to any mental health charity. Someone like this is a survivor who will manage without this. Any signposting will be taken as encouragement that you will help and you will be manipulated along another inch each time.

MrsHookey · 31/12/2021 08:31

@Holothane

Please listen I’m now my husbands cater have been for years I’m emotionally broke have arthritis as well I’m worn out with it all. Don’t be me in 15 years time.
Yeah dealing with someone like this has basically fucked my life up, and my finances up. I would have been in a very different position now had I not been in this frankly abusive relationship.

We are taught to turn the other cheek and be helpful and caring. I'm trying to teach my kids to implement boundaries and know when to tell someone to fuck off.

LadyWithLapdog · 31/12/2021 08:36

Like a PP, I think he's having some drug comedowns.

UserError012345 · 31/12/2021 08:42

Youre his free therapy.

I'd exit this and quick.

Establish your boundaries going forward.

ESGdance · 31/12/2021 08:44

“I just know I need the peace over the next couple of weeks. If I ended it with him today, he would have been hounding me, persuading me back, love bombing me etc. At least 2 weeks apart gives me time to think.”

If he does this it’s a criminal offence. Look up stalking and harassment. If you ask someone not to contact you and they do it twice it constitutes harassment. Call the police - they have to take this seriously nowadays - I suspect he has form - people like him don’t become this abusive and dysfunctional overnight - what’s his relationship history.

When you say he texts you constantly interrupting your time with your DC - that’s shocking - they deserve better than that.

ESGdance · 31/12/2021 08:45

@LadyWithLapdog

Like a PP, I think he's having some drug comedowns.
Agree he has significant addiction MH issues and behaviours.
Forgothowmuchlhatehomeschoolin · 31/12/2021 08:46

My sister is going through this at the moment ....very hard situation because although you care, it is a heavy burden to carry too.

RobertSmithsLipstick · 31/12/2021 09:59

I reckon he drinks loads when you're apart, then gets maudlin - hence him not wanting to move in, as it would mean he would have to toe the line a bit.

supercali77 · 31/12/2021 11:28

It sounds like emotional control to me. If you Google vulnerable narcissism it might ring some bells. Im not saying he's NPD but...varying scale of emotionally vulnerable terrorism tactics. After 2 weeks I would ditch this because unless he's bloody serious about sorting his head out he'll fall back into controlling you emotionally.

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