Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He has 2mental breakdowns per week

168 replies

tortoiselover100 · 30/12/2021 00:54

I've been seeing a guy for 8 months. All was great, we always have an amazing time together. But as time has gone on, he spends about 3 nights per week at mine and is always fine. But on usually 2 nights nights out of the four he's on his own, he'll be texting all night, well into the morning about how he's on a massive downer. We sometimes FaceTime. He'll spend an hour and a half telling me how shit he feels, won't ask about me, just me to pretty much be his counsellor. His mental health seems poor.

He's stressed at work so that's the main reason but I'm so tired of him falling to pieces. He won't seek proper help, I tell him to go to the doctor, or get a counsellor, he just has excuses.

The good bits of the relationship are amazing, but every night he's not here, I just dread looking at my phone.

Any advice?

OP posts:
Iwannascreammerrychristmas8 · 30/12/2021 18:58

I have P.T.S.D and now and again get triggered and my boyfriend is the calm person I seek support from. It doesn’t last and I try hard to make sure I’m not selfish. I don’t live with him and don’t fall apart when I’m apart. Now and again I might have a wobble but like every few months might need a hug and kind words.

I am conscious to get outside support. If we don’t end up staying together I absolutely don’t want him to be my only support. I have always been open and honest with him. I love him and I wouldn’t want to dump all my problems onto him, he is sweet, he doesn’t need tainting with all my past and issues. I deal and fix them so as to be me with him not emotional roller coaster me.

He shouldn’t be doing that to you.

Juniper68 · 30/12/2021 19:00

@Iwannascreammerrychristmas8

I have P.T.S.D and now and again get triggered and my boyfriend is the calm person I seek support from. It doesn’t last and I try hard to make sure I’m not selfish. I don’t live with him and don’t fall apart when I’m apart. Now and again I might have a wobble but like every few months might need a hug and kind words.

I am conscious to get outside support. If we don’t end up staying together I absolutely don’t want him to be my only support. I have always been open and honest with him. I love him and I wouldn’t want to dump all my problems onto him, he is sweet, he doesn’t need tainting with all my past and issues. I deal and fix them so as to be me with him not emotional roller coaster me.

He shouldn’t be doing that to you.

You sound lovely. Best wishes to you.
saleorbouy · 30/12/2021 19:02

Bin him and move on, it's not your responsibility to prop up his mental health when you already have dependents who require your input.
If he's not prepared to self help and seek help it's unfair to put the onus of his illness on you.

thetinsoldier · 30/12/2021 19:03

Funny sort of nervous breakdowns if they only happen when he's on his own!!!

I agree with everyone else - this is far too much too soon. This is meant to be your honeymoon period! But instead he's sucking all the joy and energy from you without giving anything in return.

I'd end things with him.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 30/12/2021 19:07

I suggested him moving in

Christ don't do that!

He is emotionally manipulating you.

End this now.

Eight months in and he's doing this? Abusive arsehole in the making who will just end up shutting off your life bit by bit, friend by friend. Until you have nothing left but him.

I speak from experience.

Joy69 · 30/12/2021 19:07

I'd call it a day. There's far too much negativity going on for a newish relationship. He should be enhancing your life, not dragging it down. You are not a counsellor.
I have recently finished a relationship for a similar reason. He was a great guy, but his constant moaning wore me down. Like you I was starting to dread his calls/texts. The day after I finished it I felt invigorated, almost like my energy had returned. I didn't realise until this point how much the moaning had effected me. I bet you'll feel the same.

PickAChew · 30/12/2021 19:10

Throw him back. He's not in a fit state for a relationship and is potentially as manipulative as hell. Block him on all fronts and if he does manage to get through to you and threaten suicide (highly likely he would) call the police.

Original poster
tortoiselover100 · 30/12/2021 20:02

Just had a conversation with him, we're having no contact for 2 weeks and I've blocked him. I need some space to think clearly. I hear what you are all saying. I used some of your words and expressions in my conversation with him. He's going to battle on for a couple of weeks alone and we'll chat mid January. Let's see how I feel after a few weeks of peace and quiet x

OP posts:
OakRowan · 30/12/2021 20:10

Well done, I hope he stays blocked, and away from you, that can only improve your own wellbeing. Tell someone in real life in case he behaves badly.

Juniper68 · 30/12/2021 20:19

That's good. Stick with it we're behind you.

Whatwouldscullydo · 30/12/2021 20:19

Well done op

Original poster
tortoiselover100 · 30/12/2021 20:20

@Juniper68

That's good. Stick with it we're behind you.
Wow thanks!
OP posts:
FallonCarringtonWannabe · 30/12/2021 20:24

Enjoy the rest. This relationship cannot go anywhere. He cannot cope on his own, doesnt want to live with you and even if he did at some point, he would make you miserable.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 30/12/2021 20:25

Please use this two weeks to reflect on your own behaviour too, OP.

It's crazy that you instigated the idea of living together when you've been together eight months, have children and he's got an alcohol problem and smokes weed.

Even if you say you were apparently thinking of summer next year it's still too much, too soon and doesn't change the fact he has an alcohol problem and smokes weed.

Staying with him would be a complete disservice to your kids. Moving him in would be ridiculous.

Flickflak · 30/12/2021 20:41

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

TheYearOfSmallThings · 30/12/2021 20:44

The two weeks is a mistake - you should just cut him off now. None of his shit is your problem to deal with.

Pinkbonbon · 30/12/2021 20:50

Yeah I hate to say it but the two weeks thing might not be the best plan. I suppose at least if he doesn't give you that space he asked for then you'll know he will continue that behaviour.

...but its more likely he now just knows he will have to go slowly slowly catchy monkey in future. And may change control tactics. Or stop for a bit...and then it'll slowly creep in again.

Use the two weeks to read up on the red flags of abusers. And on their tactics for how to control and abuse.

Dozer · 30/12/2021 20:51

The two weeks thing is one thing if it’s an initial way for you to end the relationship. And you don’t respond if he contacts you ‘in crisis’, which is a possibility.

If you think he’ll behave differently after a break, you’re likely mistaken.

Would reflect on your choices in this relationship.

D0lphine · 30/12/2021 21:02

Just to offer a different perspective.

My (absolute cluster fuck) ex used to constantly message me on nights when I wasn't with him. Sometimes he would say he was having a stressful evening or whatever.

When I spoke to my counsellor about this, she said it was perhaps a method of control. Taking my attention even when we weren't together. Making sure that I wasn't with anyone else.

I think my counsellor was right about this. It never occurred to me at the time and I thought I was being a supportive gf.

Could that be what's going on here?

Iwannascreammerrychristmas8 · 30/12/2021 21:11

@daisychain01 sounds spot on. My ex was extremely emotionally controlling. Once he figured out the soft spots he aimed for those each time. One of those was to constantly monitor and be extremely sad when we were apart because in a way at the time I liked it, to feel needed and missed. Messed me up in the end and he of course wasn’t sad or indeed missing me, it was all an act. He had me thinking about him all the time….this doesn’t sound like a good guy.

Iwannascreammerrychristmas8 · 30/12/2021 21:12

Sorry wrong tag wanted @D0lphine

ESGdance · 30/12/2021 21:49

Good for you for posting here, considering opinions and taking what resonates with you to take some action.

However - I predict a “MH crisis” a suicide threat or some other issue to trigger your blue light rescuer tendencies. If he pulls this stunt - call the police / ambulance to do a welfare check on him. If it’s fake he will be called out - if it isn’t then the best professionals are there to deal with him.

Either way use the space you have created to emotionally detach from him.

D0lphine · 30/12/2021 22:20

[quote Iwannascreammerrychristmas8]@daisychain01 sounds spot on. My ex was extremely emotionally controlling. Once he figured out the soft spots he aimed for those each time. One of those was to constantly monitor and be extremely sad when we were apart because in a way at the time I liked it, to feel needed and missed. Messed me up in the end and he of course wasn’t sad or indeed missing me, it was all an act. He had me thinking about him all the time….this doesn’t sound like a good guy.[/quote]
Yes this was exactly it.

I thought he was going through some shit ans I was being supportive.

But it was just a means of control.

Don't forget OP, some forms of control are overt and aggressive. Some are subtle and undermine you.

MellowMelly · 30/12/2021 22:30

@D0lphine Yes! I totally agree with this!

OakRowan · 30/12/2021 22:38

Totally agree, it is controlling behaviour, its manipulative. OP what will you do in 2 weeks, when he's back telling you how he's struggled without you and sat by his phone, swears he has thought deeply about what you've said and he agrees, crying that he wants to be happier and be a better man and you are the woman who has shown him the way? He wants to try, for you? He will lay it on deep, but literally no one has ever changed a problem personality in 2 weeks, it won't alter him at all. Gives him 2 weeks to wallow and work out his next move. Make it permanent, cut him off for good, he's robbing you of time and energy you could be giving yourself and your kids and he's not ashamed, he's a wrong un.