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Original poster

He has 2mental breakdowns per week

168 replies

tortoiselover100 · 30/12/2021 00:54

I've been seeing a guy for 8 months. All was great, we always have an amazing time together. But as time has gone on, he spends about 3 nights per week at mine and is always fine. But on usually 2 nights nights out of the four he's on his own, he'll be texting all night, well into the morning about how he's on a massive downer. We sometimes FaceTime. He'll spend an hour and a half telling me how shit he feels, won't ask about me, just me to pretty much be his counsellor. His mental health seems poor.

He's stressed at work so that's the main reason but I'm so tired of him falling to pieces. He won't seek proper help, I tell him to go to the doctor, or get a counsellor, he just has excuses.

The good bits of the relationship are amazing, but every night he's not here, I just dread looking at my phone.

Any advice?

OP posts:
Original poster
tortoiselover100 · 30/12/2021 15:59

@Itsnotdeep

Gosh he sounds really enticing - weed, self-pitying, needy, moaning, doesn't clean or cook.
His cleaning and cooking skills are similar to mine, neither of us are amazing. He is however all of the other things, needy, moaning etc.
OP posts:
Dozer · 30/12/2021 16:00

Why did you continue to date him after this happened a few times? And even brought up moving in!

Don’t date anyone else until you’ve raised your bar!

EmpressCixi · 30/12/2021 16:02

I’m a bit suspicious. Twice a week is too regular to be mental breakdown. It sounds more like how you feel when coming down off a Coke high: Wide awake although exhausted and feel like shit.

Dozer · 30/12/2021 16:02

Problem drinker and weed smoker too?

You’ve made a series of poor judgments with this relationship.

Original poster
tortoiselover100 · 30/12/2021 16:03

@Dozer

Why did you continue to date him after this happened a few times? And even brought up moving in!

Don’t date anyone else until you’ve raised your bar!

So in the beginning, maybe he would have a bad day and vent. Then the week after maybe I would have a bad day and vent. Over time, he was spending much more time than me venting, his work got stressful so it ramped up a few notches. Last month or two it's been about 2 breakdowns a week. I have a bad day and vent about an eighth of what he does. I think couples should be able to talk about what's bothering them, but it's so one sided now.
OP posts:
EmpressCixi · 30/12/2021 16:04

I also have a friend for who weed literally makes them feel depressed. It’s not an uncommon reaction for some for weed.

OakRowan · 30/12/2021 16:07

@Dozer

Problem drinker and weed smoker too?

You’ve made a series of poor judgments with this relationship.

And he's met your kids?
Dozer · 30/12/2021 16:08

‘He’ll be texting all night, well into the morning about how he's on a massive downer. We sometimes FaceTime. He'll spend an hour and a half telling me how shit he feels’

Barring something objectively terrible happening in his life, it would’ve been sensible to dump him after this happened once or twice! Instead you seem to think it was OK if it was ‘only’ once a week!

CPL593H · 30/12/2021 16:08

Too much emotional load for 8 months in. The "I've never had anyone be there for me before" etc, etc. Yes well. I bet he has.

ufucoffee · 30/12/2021 16:26

He would bore me shitless. I'd have been sympathetic once but after that no. Dump.

GoodPrincessWenceslas · 30/12/2021 16:26

Tell him that unless he takes urgent steps to take medical advice and follows it, you are out. And mean it.

billy1966 · 30/12/2021 16:44

OP,

I would be hugely concerned for your children.

You actually asked this weed smoking loser to move in.

You need to focus on what is best for your children.

This waster will bring nothing but self absorbed drama to your life.

You need to give your head a huge shake.

OakRowan · 30/12/2021 16:53

Move him in and see how long it takes before he controls where you go and who you can see because it makes him so unhappy, that you can't leave the house except to work to pay all the bills, because he is too miserable to work or do any housework and you have to support him financially too at the xpense of your kids. Who he will be jealous of because all of your attention should be on him. You're already there, except he isn't under your roof full time yet.

RobertSmithsLipstick · 30/12/2021 17:03

Amen to that!

ESGdance · 30/12/2021 17:08

He’s an addict.

Who knows or cares what the substance is - might be the whole shebang weed, coke, booze ….

Get him gone.

ESGdance · 30/12/2021 17:13

And if he is in his 40’s with a habit his addiction is well entrenched for decades.

It didn’t start when when he turned 40.

I suspect his life is on the skids with a series of failed relationships and jobs behind him as collateral damage.

I have seen a few casualties up close amongst my family and friends - this this the decade when the wheels fall off.

The “nice” stuff is likely when he is high. Totally chemically fake.

Keep your DCs well out of this mess.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 30/12/2021 17:23

It's crazy you instigated the idea of living together when you've been together eight months, have children and he's got an alcohol problem and smokes weed.

Do you really think he sounds like someone you think is going to enrich your childrens lives?

Your bar sounds very low if so.

OakRowan · 30/12/2021 17:33

I think you are under reacting to his behaviour because you want someone to lean on emotionally too, someone to vent at, to support you, like you've said. That is a small part of relationships, mutual support, but its not healthy for that to be your main focus, its not just him looking for a prop. You both need to be secure and emotionally healthy enough to not need that from other people so much and so obviously.

NowEvenBetter · 30/12/2021 17:53

You asked a mentally unstable alcoholic who doesn’t cook or clean to move in to your kids home????
WOW.

NowEvenBetter · 30/12/2021 18:00

Oh, a mentally unstable alcoholic who doesn’t cook or clean *who you’ve only been dating for 8 months being invited to move in to your kids home. This is genuinely appalling. Gobsmacked.

MellowMelly · 30/12/2021 18:16

Ah no this is not good. He is an emotional vampire whose own happiness will be entirely reliant upon you providing the happiness for him. It's a great tactic and my ex used it on me and then I moved him in with me because he was so happy and wonderful when we were together but so sad and life was a drama when he wasn't with me.
He moved in because I was silly and not surprisingly the downers started to happen even when I was with him and they became quite frequent and my life became a misery.

@tortoiselover100 It's not your job to supply him with happiness and I'm so pleased to see from your responses that you know what's going on!

Juniper68 · 30/12/2021 18:16

@NowEvenBetter

You asked a mentally unstable alcoholic who doesn’t cook or clean to move in to your kids home???? WOW.
Exactly!
MellowMelly · 30/12/2021 18:22

And really really do not let him move in with you

DillonPanthersTexas · 30/12/2021 18:34

Far too much baggage, it will only get worse and before long you will be circling the plughole as he pulls you down with him.

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 30/12/2021 18:52

I have yet to meet a weed smoker who isn't a total dickhead.

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