DH goes silent and moody if I eat bad food

[PinkBauble]

NC for this. There is a bit of a backstory to this- I have been with DH for 16 years. When we met I was a slim size 12 (I'm 5'7). Just after we got married (together 4 years at that point), I qualified into a stressful profession and my eating habits spiralled. I began bingeing and my weight increased. Within a year I had put on 5 stone. It caused a lot of problems, and my self confidence became non-existent. DH confessed he did not find me as attractive or fancy me as much. I did ask him and put him on the spot but that was hard to hear.
For the last 11 years I have battled with my weight. I had DD1 8 years ago and when I was on maternity leave I signed up to weight watchers, joined a gym, and lost 4.5 stone. However, when I went back to work (full time) my stress levels increased, I wasn't able to go to the gym as much as I had been, and I began bingeing again. I then had a miscarriage and this really made me turn to food even more. I fell pregnant with DD2 fairly quickly after the mc, and managed to remain a fairly healthy weight. When she was born, I couldn't do what I had done on my previous maternity leave as I had DD1 too, and I really struggled with bingeing. A few times I managed to lose a few stone but I always put it back on again.
I have cried on DH's shoulder about my weight lots of times, and refused to go to parties or events as I was so self conscious, and initially he was supportive.
I have been diagnosed with Binge Eating Disorder, and my GP is trying to get me help, but there isn't anything in my area other than a talking telephone therapy service, which I've done several times for general anxiety and found useless. I'm on quite a high level of medication for anxiety.
I'm currently about 7 stone over my ideal weight (according to BMI guidelines), and still struggling to control bingeing.

Over the last few years, I've noticed DH getting grumpy, snappy and moody if I eat "bad" food in front of him. He will say he doesn't understand why I'm doing it if I want to lose weight, and gets very irritable and impatient if I ever try to explain my anxiety or bingeing to him. He thinks it is as simple as just "not doing it" ie bingeing. If I stick to a diet and go to the gym, whether it's slimming world, weight watchers, calorie counting or whatever else I've tried, he is totally different. Smiley, fun, and pleasant to be around.
Over Christmas there has been "bad" food in the house, and I've eaten it. Every time my DH has become noticeably huffy and snappy, and rather than saying anything to me, he has taken it out on the kids or the dog, snapping at them or being too hard on them, and giving me the silent treatment.

I am sick of his behaviour. I get that my weight is not ideal, I know my health is at risk, and I am trying so hard to change, but I cannot cope with this and if anything, it pushes me towards bingeing as a "release". I've even threatened to leave him, but he just doesn't say anything.
Is there anyone else in a marriage like this? I desperately want to lose weight and get fit so I can start feeling healthy, but working full time, and often at night as well, as well as doing all the life admin, finances, and looking after the kids and dog etc is so hard. DH is just making me feel worse. I dread spending time with him.
Thank you if you have read this far.

Ah OP, do you ever put yourself in your DH's shoes and wonder what life must be like for him? To live a life where food is such a loaded, emotionally wrought trigger? Or to live with someone who despises themselves/their body (as you said you do) for over a decade? Do you ever consider his mental health or what the effect of all this has on him? Because of course it affects him, like it will affect your children. You may not binge in from of them but they will be aware of the tension around food and the general bad habits- lack of exercise, diets, gaining a lot of weight etc. And I ask because addicts tend to be so focused on themselves and battling their demons they forget that the people around them also have hopes, dreams, feelings, needs. Couples counselling for both of you to help you understand that maybe your DH is at the end of his tether too, and will have no idea how to react anymore. I left my exH who drank to excess and it wasn't till I walked away I realised what a weight was off my shoulders. That life didn't require me to be filled with dread every time a situation with alcohol presented itself, that I didn't need to live in a constant state of frustration that nothing was changing, that I could have a normal sex life that wasn't affected by alcohol reducing his libido. As much as I loved him, I was a worse version of myself living with him and I had started feeling disgusted by him. After I left, it was the impetus he needed to kick the habit and I found myself a partner with a healthy attitude to alcohol and am so much happier. We both ended up much happier in the end.

Maybe a trial separation would help you both?

‘Taking it out on the kids or the dog’ seriously LTB

@PinkBauble thank you for taking my list at face value. I appreciate that it isn’t very nice reading. He isn’t being fair in the way he is treating you all, even though it is likely a stress response. I really think he should be talking to you about it but he probably doesn’t know how. He knows your weight makes you unhappy and you are trying to improve things, so maybe he feels like he’s kicking you when your down, if he mentions how it is affecting him. I know my weight was a hugely sensitive subject and I would’ve struggled to hear these things from my DH. Even though he probably did find it frustrating at times. I was lucky in the fact that my DH seemed to accept me whatever but I don’t believe he fancied me at my largest and i am sure he found it annoying when I got upset over being large, then was eating rubbish soon after. Maybe couple counselling would help you both by having a safe space for you to be honest with each other. I know you said you couldn’t afford it atm but might be worth looking around as some counsellors offer a reduced rate if money is tight. Also where I am counselling prices vary hugely. I saw a brilliant guy who charged £35, and would discount for those that needed it, whereas others were charging £65+

Have you tried intermittent fasting? I follow the 5.:2 diet and I find knowing I only have to do a day then I can eat what I want on the next day takes the pressure off immensely.

It is far bigger, the Christmas cake etc are examples from the passed few days. I binge on chocolate. Big family bars. Lots of them. I do want to lose weight though, and for myself too. But I am stuck in this horrendous cycle of bingeing, saying never again, losing a few pounds but then being over one by the urge to binge. I don't know how to beat it/control it.

Hi Pink

As much as you are finding this hard, and your DH's reaction is poor, seems he too is finding this hard. As much as you cannot seem to find the right kind to help, he has not either. You cried on his shoulder, is he is supposed to have the answers or understand, but he doesn't and can't help. Not everyone is equipped to understand or help...without help themselves.

Your driver makes you eat, but it is not clear what his outlet is and perhaps that is the reaction you are seeing....it is not good but maybe you both need help?

Perhaps your eating problem impacts both of you as partners and a family. Have you thought about getting couples therapy to clear the air about your drivers to binge and what exactly you want from your DH when you cry on his shoulder.

Have you told him that his reaction to take it out on the kids and dog is seen and not helpful? Have you told him what you want from him? Have you told him what you will and won't do to show that you care for your family?

To me, it is telling that he is 'smily and supportive' when you take action, though not necessarily having lost weight, but that you take action, but is 'unsupportive' when you don't...

I totally get why you're upset by this but please see it from his angle. You're eating habits are triggers for your emotional state. He knows the more you eat the worse it will get for you. He's probably tired and frustrated at seeing the person he loves damage themselves in such a way.
You need to address your underlying reasons as to why you have a weight issue before you address his responses.

How does my weight cause him to suffer? Aside from me getting upset about it in front of him (which I've learned not to do certainly in the last year or so)

Because he is probably looking at some one that is unrecognisable to him.

I have been in your Dh shoes. My ex piled on weight really fast over a three year period. He went from relatively in shape to morbidly obese. He had started up a new business and would eat to cope with stress, eat because he was happy and to celebrate - in fact any emotion involved eating.

We tried every diet under the sun, I tried encouraging healthy eating. I only bought healthy food but then I would find KFC bags in his car. He forgot his healthy lunch one day so I took it in to his office and there was chippy paper every where. He had just eaten curry rice & chips with a fish at 12pm. Cans of coke piled in his bin.

I hated having sex with him as he sweated on me and his belly was too big.

Most of the time he still had the same face and I could deal with it but then his face changed and he did not look like the man I had met. My friend walked past him in the shop as she didn't recognise him.

He stopped coming out to weddings, nights out ect so I had to go on my own. I resented that, I resented he changed himself so much that I couldn't have sex with my own husband. I resented that if we went out his belly would hang below his top.

After not having sex for four months he came to me and asked for couples therapy because apparently I had damaged his self esteem by not wanting to have sex with him and that he knew I only had sex with him when I was pissed - he was right.

I said he needed to have therapy for his binge eating. He said I was bullying him.

His snoring got to the point I was crawling in to bed with the kids every night as he was actually struggling to breath, he had migraines and was tired all the time. He was killing him self. The GP told him he may have a heart attack and his hip problems were due to his weight. He said that was rubbish it was down to playing football.

So he moved in to the spare room so I could sleep. bitterness from bodysides set in and we eventually split. He is really big now. He is 'apparently' having bariatric surgery this spring. I hope this really sorted him out as he is only 41. Too young to be this over weight. I dont want him to die early on our girls as they would be heartbroken and so would i.

@EssexLioness @todaysdilemma @BonneMaman77 and others who have posted similar- thank you. If I am being honest with myself, I have never really considered it from his point of view. Your posts have highlighted that I have always focused on my feelings, my reaction etc. I don't like the way he is treating me now, but I understand a bit better what it must be like for him.

Hi Op
I am the wife of a binge eating husband, who I am in the process of seperating from. The disorder has played a part and I would say has led to a huge amount of tension between us. (We have other much worse issues on top).

I showed a similar reaction to your DH in terms of the sulking. I initially started off very supportive, changing my diet so that I wasn't a bad influence on him, not making him feel bad about a binging incident, researching for help etc. It never helped, it continued and every other week he'd announce how down he was about his body and that he would be going on a diet. I would feel really happy to hear it, only for him to fall off the wagon after a day and I'd feel immediately deflated.

In terms of why it caused the sulking reaction in me:

i couldn't understand why he would jeopardise his health in such a way when he had young kids.

His dad has diabetes and takes meds everyday , my H has been told by his GP that he is borderline diabetes himself and that he needs to curb his eating/ reduce his weight. He has ignored this advice. It bothers me because I know that if the shoe was on the other foot and I was ignoring advice about something that could potentially shorten my life or reduce my quality of life, he would be pissed off.

It costs us a fortune to maintain, my weekly food shop comes to over £120, he has moved out recently for the seperation and it has halved. It was £65 this week

It turns him into somebody very inconsiderate, his urge to binge trumps the needs of the kids or my meals, eg he will finish off the loaf of bread and leave us with none for lunch etc.

I would get annoyed at having to reduce snacks and "bad things" in the house because he can't control himself; sometimes I want a particular snack that if he wasn't in the house I could buy in my weekly shop and keep it in the cupboard, or I want to have some nice cakes in the house in case I get an unexpected visitor.
Managing the food/snack supply so that you have things for your kids to eat is so stressful. I had to label things, hide things, it was exhausting.

I can empathize with him, but he shouldn't be taking it on the dog and kids.

I think it is hard for both of you but I know that when I am irritated and stressed I am more likely to react to little things and I am guessing this is what you mean when you say he takes it out on the kids and the dog.

I think you sound like you do want to blame him and when you said that people would be surprised you were a size 18/20 you wanted people to think that wasnt that bad.

Hard as it may sound I think if my partner weighed 7 stone more than when I met them I would find them less attractive, especially if they also were no longer the person they had been in terms of going out, confidence etc.

I get it that it is really difficult for you too and that there is no easy solution as you are trying as best as you can and his response makes you feel worse.

It sounds like it may get to the stage (or maybe has already reached it) where you need to split up for both your sakes before you make each other and your children more unhappy than you already are.

@whaaaatishappening

How does my weight cause him to suffer? Aside from me getting upset about it in front of him (which I've learned not to do certainly in the last year or so)

Because he is probably looking at some one that is unrecognisable to him.

I have been in your Dh shoes. My ex piled on weight really fast over a three year period. He went from relatively in shape to morbidly obese. He had started up a new business and would eat to cope with stress, eat because he was happy and to celebrate - in fact any emotion involved eating.

We tried every diet under the sun, I tried encouraging healthy eating. I only bought healthy food but then I would find KFC bags in his car. He forgot his healthy lunch one day so I took it in to his office and there was chippy paper every where. He had just eaten curry rice & chips with a fish at 12pm. Cans of coke piled in his bin.

I hated having sex with him as he sweated on me and his belly was too big.

Most of the time he still had the same face and I could deal with it but then his face changed and he did not look like the man I had met. My friend walked past him in the shop as she didn't recognise him.

He stopped coming out to weddings, nights out ect so I had to go on my own. I resented that, I resented he changed himself so much that I couldn't have sex with my own husband. I resented that if we went out his belly would hang below his top.

After not having sex for four months he came to me and asked for couples therapy because apparently I had damaged his self esteem by not wanting to have sex with him and that he knew I only had sex with him when I was pissed - he was right.

I said he needed to have therapy for his binge eating. He said I was bullying him.

His snoring got to the point I was crawling in to bed with the kids every night as he was actually struggling to breath, he had migraines and was tired all the time. He was killing him self. The GP told him he may have a heart attack and his hip problems were due to his weight. He said that was rubbish it was down to playing football.

So he moved in to the spare room so I could sleep. bitterness from bodysides set in and we eventually split. He is really big now. He is 'apparently' having bariatric surgery this spring. I hope this really sorted him out as he is only 41. Too young to be this over weight. I dont want him to die early on our girls as they would be heartbroken and so would i.

I am so sorry to hear that. I am frightened this happens to my DH and I. I am a size 18/20 and I carry my weight all over, rather than any specific part of my body, but I do worry that my DH is ashamed to be seen with me.
This was a really hard post to read. Thank you for sharing your experience. I am getting so much from this thread.

What a lot of people are failing to understand on this thread is that some people have addictive behaviour around eating. It’s terribly hard OP I know. I struggle with this myself so here are a few thoughts - I’d suggest you give yourself a month to do some reading and preparing before you embark on another programme, and during that time try to eat to take care of yourself, but without worrying about actual weight loss -

• The key thing I notice from your posts is you talk a lot about having tried diet after diet, but diets aren’t going to address your addictive relationship with food.
• Do some reading around this -

3 books to start - Intuitive eating by Resch and Tribole. Breaking free from emotional eating by Genene Roth. The Last Diet by Shahroo Izadi (it’s not a diet)).

• Once you’ve done some reading around this, you can decide what approach you want to take, it might be an intuitive eating approach, or it might be a moderate diet taking a kind approach to yourself
• the most important thing is to be kind to yourself and treat yourself as you would a friend - with love and care. Until you do this, nothing is going to shift
• contact BEAT which offers online support groups for over eaters
• think of this as an experiment to find a lifelong approach to eating. Expect to screw up, it’s part of the process. You know you best, focus on finding what’s right for you, and expect it to keep evolving. Try not to fall in love with other people’s approaches - no one knows you better than you. No one size fits all.
• you will need to gradually build in self care - a bit of exercise, a bit of mindfulness, in a way that suits you - Ranjan chatterjee’s 4 pillar plan is a great guide to this. (Actually his lose weight feel great is a really good general guide to healthy eating - but you will need help from other authors who specialise more in emotional eating, so I wouldn’t bother with that for now)
• if you use social media start following some people in the body positivity movement - it can be a fraught space, and I don’t personally buy into health at any size, but it’s good to start following some people who don’t apologise for their size and try live healthily within their size
• Body positive yoga (there are a few online classes) might be a good thing to explore for stress and self acceptance
• If you can possibly find a way to afford some 121 therapy do - but make sure it’s someone who specialises in emotions and food. If you can’t find an online group (eg through Shahroo Izadi’s Facebook group or beat) and find your online tribe, so you can talk about your experiences and research as you find a programme that works for you
• right now, start by introducing one positive habit - I’d suggest getting outside everyday to walk - pick an amount of time between 10 and 45 minutes that is easy to achieve and increase it by 5 mins every couple weeks till you hit 45 mins a day

Re your husband. It’s hard to live with someone with frustrating behaviour patterns, but the cold shouldering and taking it out on the kids etc is not on.

It sounds like you are perhaps reconsidering your relationship with him anyway. For the moment I would suggest getting on with your plans and not discussing them with him, as it is likely to be destructive to do so.

Whatever you do, make a commitment to tackle your emotional relationship with food. A diet alone is not going to do it.

@Weakandconfused

Hi Op I am the wife of a binge eating husband, who I am in the process of seperating from. The disorder has played a part and I would say has led to a huge amount of tension between us. (We have other much worse issues on top).

I showed a similar reaction to your DH in terms of the sulking. I initially started off very supportive, changing my diet so that I wasn't a bad influence on him, not making him feel bad about a binging incident, researching for help etc. It never helped, it continued and every other week he'd announce how down he was about his body and that he would be going on a diet. I would feel really happy to hear it, only for him to fall off the wagon after a day and I'd feel immediately deflated.

In terms of why it caused the sulking reaction in me:

i couldn't understand why he would jeopardise his health in such a way when he had young kids.

His dad has diabetes and takes meds everyday , my H has been told by his GP that he is borderline diabetes himself and that he needs to curb his eating/ reduce his weight. He has ignored this advice. It bothers me because I know that if the shoe was on the other foot and I was ignoring advice about something that could potentially shorten my life or reduce my quality of life, he would be pissed off.

It costs us a fortune to maintain, my weekly food shop comes to over £120, he has moved out recently for the seperation and it has halved. It was £65 this week

It turns him into somebody very inconsiderate, his urge to binge trumps the needs of the kids or my meals, eg he will finish off the loaf of bread and leave us with none for lunch etc.

I would get annoyed at having to reduce snacks and "bad things" in the house because he can't control himself; sometimes I want a particular snack that if he wasn't in the house I could buy in my weekly shop and keep it in the cupboard, or I want to have some nice cakes in the house in case I get an unexpected visitor.
Managing the food/snack supply so that you have things for your kids to eat is so stressful. I had to label things, hide things, it was exhausting.

I can empathize with him, but he shouldn't be taking it on the dog and kids.

Thank you for sharing that. It's very hard for me to read but it's an eye opener.

@Luredbyapomegranate

What a lot of people are failing to understand on this thread is that some people have addictive behaviour around eating. It’s terribly hard OP I know. I struggle with this myself so here are a few thoughts - I’d suggest you give yourself a month to do some reading and preparing before you embark on another programme, and during that time try to eat to take care of yourself, but without worrying about actual weight loss -

• The key thing I notice from your posts is you talk a lot about having tried diet after diet, but diets aren’t going to address your addictive relationship with food.
• Do some reading around this -

3 books to start - Intuitive eating by Resch and Tribole. Breaking free from emotional eating by Genene Roth. The Last Diet by Shahroo Izadi (it’s not a diet)).

• Once you’ve done some reading around this, you can decide what approach you want to take, it might be an intuitive eating approach, or it might be a moderate diet taking a kind approach to yourself
• the most important thing is to be kind to yourself and treat yourself as you would a friend - with love and care. Until you do this, nothing is going to shift
• contact BEAT which offers online support groups for over eaters
• think of this as an experiment to find a lifelong approach to eating. Expect to screw up, it’s part of the process. You know you best, focus on finding what’s right for you, and expect it to keep evolving. Try not to fall in love with other people’s approaches - no one knows you better than you. No one size fits all.
• you will need to gradually build in self care - a bit of exercise, a bit of mindfulness, in a way that suits you - Ranjan chatterjee’s 4 pillar plan is a great guide to this. (Actually his lose weight feel great is a really good general guide to healthy eating - but you will need help from other authors who specialise more in emotional eating, so I wouldn’t bother with that for now)
• if you use social media start following some people in the body positivity movement - it can be a fraught space, and I don’t personally buy into health at any size, but it’s good to start following some people who don’t apologise for their size and try live healthily within their size
• Body positive yoga (there are a few online classes) might be a good thing to explore for stress and self acceptance
• If you can possibly find a way to afford some 121 therapy do - but make sure it’s someone who specialises in emotions and food. If you can’t find an online group (eg through Shahroo Izadi’s Facebook group or beat) and find your online tribe, so you can talk about your experiences and research as you find a programme that works for you
• right now, start by introducing one positive habit - I’d suggest getting outside everyday to walk - pick an amount of time between 10 and 45 minutes that is easy to achieve and increase it by 5 mins every couple weeks till you hit 45 mins a day

Re your husband. It’s hard to live with someone with frustrating behaviour patterns, but the cold shouldering and taking it out on the kids etc is not on.

It sounds like you are perhaps reconsidering your relationship with him anyway. For the moment I would suggest getting on with your plans and not discussing them with him, as it is likely to be destructive to do so.

Whatever you do, make a commitment to tackle your emotional relationship with food. A diet alone is not going to do it.

Thank you. This is so helpful. I am going to order those books now. I think I need to sit down with my DH once I have reread everyone's replies and digested them, and let him know I understand more how he is feeling, and see if we can try and get to a better place.

Nobody seems to have commented on this I desperately want to lose weight and get fit so I can start feeling healthy, but working full time, and often at night as well, as well as doing all the life admin, finances, and looking after the kids and dog etc is so hard. DH is just making me feel worse.
I don’t have an eating disorder but I do have a stressful job and I know I would never recover fitness post baby or keep up with life if my dh didn’t pull his weight on parenting, finances and life admin. I wouldn’t have the energy or time to look after myself. So think seriously if you took a few months leave from work could you eat well that whole time? If your dh swapped parenting roles with you could you then eat healthily? If he pulled his weight would that help? What is the biggest driving issue here stopping you? Is it just you, or is he /your job contributing?

@PinkBaubleSaying food addiction is ''Worse'' than drug or alcohol addiction is clearly nuts.
Addicts and alcoholics can't ''Just get help and never do it again!''

They have to use monumental willpower, and how I respect them for it, to turn down that coke, heroin or vodka.

It cam hammer away at them incessantly, and cravings can rise up at any time.
Addicts/Alcoholics use a heck of a lot of willpower not to use.

I feel for both of you. Glad you’ve had helpful posts which have offered insight

He could definitely share the burden more. I do ALL life admin (insurances, car mots, vet appointments etc), organise everything the school including keeping on top of all emails from them, making sure they get homework done, booking after school clubs, I do the meal planning, I am responsible for paying all bills (we co tribute equally but I sort it out). If I ever challenge him about this he says I'm better at it than him. Which is rubbish- I'm just more organised because I have to be. In fairness to him he does share the housework which is a big help.

I'm impressed with your reaction to the posts here, OP. You've really read and reflected, and it must have been difficult reading.

But I did think that you and your DH having a conversation about this (and the effect on your kids and dog) is a really good idea. In an ideal world, a conversation guided and managed by a couples counsellor would be even better, and well worth the money if you can find it.
Good luck.

One question I have is regarding your stress levels and work/life balance.

How is home life shared and balanced between you and your husband?

Do you both do your fair share or is one carrying more than the other?

OP I think you are being very brave and strong in your responses here. This must be very difficult for you and your responses here are nothing other than considered and mature. I hope that isn’t patronising, but you see so many threads where the OP can’t handle the answers they get and responds defensively. I know I would struggle to hear some of these replies

[quote oakleaffy]@PinkBaubleSaying food addiction is ''Worse'' than drug or alcohol addiction is clearly nuts.
Addicts and alcoholics can't ''Just get help and never do it again!''

They have to use monumental willpower, and how I respect them for it, to turn down that coke, heroin or vodka.

It cam hammer away at them incessantly, and cravings can rise up at any time.
Addicts/Alcoholics use a heck of a lot of willpower not to use.[/quote]
My point is that they don't have to have some form of alcohol or drug like cocaine everyday to stay alive. I completely understand that it is still an addiction, but it's not the same.

Ah cross posted with @saraclara

It's really hard living with an addict.