DH goes silent and moody if I eat bad food

[PinkBauble]

NC for this. There is a bit of a backstory to this- I have been with DH for 16 years. When we met I was a slim size 12 (I'm 5'7). Just after we got married (together 4 years at that point), I qualified into a stressful profession and my eating habits spiralled. I began bingeing and my weight increased. Within a year I had put on 5 stone. It caused a lot of problems, and my self confidence became non-existent. DH confessed he did not find me as attractive or fancy me as much. I did ask him and put him on the spot but that was hard to hear.
For the last 11 years I have battled with my weight. I had DD1 8 years ago and when I was on maternity leave I signed up to weight watchers, joined a gym, and lost 4.5 stone. However, when I went back to work (full time) my stress levels increased, I wasn't able to go to the gym as much as I had been, and I began bingeing again. I then had a miscarriage and this really made me turn to food even more. I fell pregnant with DD2 fairly quickly after the mc, and managed to remain a fairly healthy weight. When she was born, I couldn't do what I had done on my previous maternity leave as I had DD1 too, and I really struggled with bingeing. A few times I managed to lose a few stone but I always put it back on again.
I have cried on DH's shoulder about my weight lots of times, and refused to go to parties or events as I was so self conscious, and initially he was supportive.
I have been diagnosed with Binge Eating Disorder, and my GP is trying to get me help, but there isn't anything in my area other than a talking telephone therapy service, which I've done several times for general anxiety and found useless. I'm on quite a high level of medication for anxiety.
I'm currently about 7 stone over my ideal weight (according to BMI guidelines), and still struggling to control bingeing.

Over the last few years, I've noticed DH getting grumpy, snappy and moody if I eat "bad" food in front of him. He will say he doesn't understand why I'm doing it if I want to lose weight, and gets very irritable and impatient if I ever try to explain my anxiety or bingeing to him. He thinks it is as simple as just "not doing it" ie bingeing. If I stick to a diet and go to the gym, whether it's slimming world, weight watchers, calorie counting or whatever else I've tried, he is totally different. Smiley, fun, and pleasant to be around.
Over Christmas there has been "bad" food in the house, and I've eaten it. Every time my DH has become noticeably huffy and snappy, and rather than saying anything to me, he has taken it out on the kids or the dog, snapping at them or being too hard on them, and giving me the silent treatment.

I am sick of his behaviour. I get that my weight is not ideal, I know my health is at risk, and I am trying so hard to change, but I cannot cope with this and if anything, it pushes me towards bingeing as a "release". I've even threatened to leave him, but he just doesn't say anything.
Is there anyone else in a marriage like this? I desperately want to lose weight and get fit so I can start feeling healthy, but working full time, and often at night as well, as well as doing all the life admin, finances, and looking after the kids and dog etc is so hard. DH is just making me feel worse. I dread spending time with him.
Thank you if you have read this far.

@Santahatesbraisedcabbage

As much as you can't help your eating disorder he can't help his reactions. Seek professional help ASAP.

Why can't be control his reactions?!

@SpanielsAreMyLife

He sounds like an arsehole.

Sulking and huffing isn't going to help anyone, least of all you.

It sounds quite cruel, if I'm being honest.

Sulking and huffing often comes about from a stress response in the body. It's not a conscious choice.

I lived with a problem drinker and knowing he was having a drink would have an instant stress response in my body which would then affect my mood.

My reaction almost certainly made him want to drink more too, so it made the cycle worse, but my reaction was based on a stress response that occurred in my body as a result of his actions!!

I keep saying this tonight but what is he bringing to the party?

@sjxoxo

Firstly he absolutely shouldn’t be critical in any way about what you eat. Secondly do you think your job is to blame for your high stress? I got the impression from your first post that stress & subsequent binge eating is a result of your job.. do you think that’s the case? If you really do, abd you think without this job your stress levels would be non-existent, I’d seriously think about a career change. This part is for yourself rather than anything to do with anyone else. If you are suffering from extreme chronic stress you need to try and find a solution to that for the sake of your long term health. i know you mention weight specifically in your post but there are lots of health risks associated with chronic stress, many of which are worse long term than being over weight or eating unhealthy food occasionally xox

I don't think it is a coincidence that I started bingeing shortly after qualifying, however I have had private counselling for what I thought was work related stress. I had quite a difficult childhood (witnessed abuse and DV) and in the counsellor's opinion, my anxiety stems from that. No doubt exacerbated by my job, but I do enjoy what I do. I accept I need to learn to manage my stress levels in a healthy way though, not just binge for that initial high then beat myself up and feel like shit afterwards.

"Sulking and huffing often comes about from a stress response in the body. It's not a conscious choice.

I lived with a problem drinker and knowing he was having a drink would have an instant stress response in my body which would then affect my mood.

My reaction almost certainly made him want to drink more too, so it made the cycle worse, but my reaction was based on a stress response that occurred in my body as a result of his actions!!"*

That's really interesting. Thank you for sharing that. *

Op's mh is being affected-and her dh is supporting that. The environment at home will be affecting everyone. Of course he is mad.. Of course he shouldn't be happy with reoccurring bouts of weight loss /gain. It isn't just op suffering.

@Santahatesbraisedcabbage

Op's mh is being affected-and her dh is supporting that. The environment at home will be affecting everyone. Of course he is mad.. Of course he shouldn't be happy with reoccurring bouts of weight loss /gain. It isn't just op suffering.

How does my weight cause him to suffer? Aside from me getting upset about it in front of him (which I've learned not to do certainly in the last year or so).

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

It seems like he has tried the gentle supportive method. It hasnt worked. Maybe he is just trying a different tact?

He shouldn't take it out on the kids

@Santahatesbraisedcabbage

As much as you can't help your eating disorder he can't help his reactions. Seek professional help ASAP.

No, an eating disorder really can not be compared to being unpleasant to the children or the dog.

Long term health effects. How your dc will be affected by your ED.. My dm was anorexic. I was for a time. How your dc see your relationship with food can be damaging . Vital they see healthy attitudes as an example for them.

Swap 'bad food' for 'a bottle of whiskey'.

You're saying the equivalent of 'If he wasn't mean to me and say I shouldn't be drinking, I wouldn't drink a bottle of whiskey, so it's his fault, he's making me be an alcoholic'.

Men have a tendency to want to fix things, he can't fix this, it frustrates him, he feels powerless.

@cansu

He needs to shut up. I am sure he has some annoying and unhealthy habits. I would stop talking to him about your weight and that includes when you are trying to lose weight. You should also tell him that you will no longer be discussing it with him and that you don't need or want him to make any comments about your choices healthy or otherwise.

I've tried that. So now he doesn't say anything, he just ignores me and creates an atmosphere.

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

I have cried on DH's shoulder about my weight lots of times, and refused to go to parties or events as I was so self conscious, and initially he was supportive

Can you see how frustrating it is to constantly bear the brunt of emotional support for someone who continues to self destruct?

Why is there "bad" food in the house? Why buy it?

Alternatively, live the life you want and eat what you want but find another outlet for your support as he cant do both.

Yes I agree with this.

My stepson is married to an addict (now on recovery) and the years she was in the grip of her addiction were incredibly tough on both of them - her health, his mental health and the impact on their son.

At least his reaction still shows he cares about you and your recovery, it would be awful if he just didn't care.

I think he needs individual counselling or support, a version of Al-Anon. He probably spent years thinking he could cure you when it's 100% down to you.

I genuinely wish you all the best.

@PinkBauble

NC for this. There is a bit of a backstory to this- I have been with DH for 16 years. When we met I was a slim size 12 (I'm 5'7). Just after we got married (together 4 years at that point), I qualified into a stressful profession and my eating habits spiralled. I began bingeing and my weight increased. Within a year I had put on 5 stone. It caused a lot of problems, and my self confidence became non-existent. DH confessed he did not find me as attractive or fancy me as much. I did ask him and put him on the spot but that was hard to hear. For the last 11 years I have battled with my weight. I had DD1 8 years ago and when I was on maternity leave I signed up to weight watchers, joined a gym, and lost 4.5 stone. However, when I went back to work (full time) my stress levels increased, I wasn't able to go to the gym as much as I had been, and I began bingeing again. I then had a miscarriage and this really made me turn to food even more. I fell pregnant with DD2 fairly quickly after the mc, and managed to remain a fairly healthy weight. When she was born, I couldn't do what I had done on my previous maternity leave as I had DD1 too, and I really struggled with bingeing. A few times I managed to lose a few stone but I always put it back on again. I have cried on DH's shoulder about my weight lots of times, and refused to go to parties or events as I was so self conscious, and initially he was supportive. I have been diagnosed with Binge Eating Disorder, and my GP is trying to get me help, but there isn't anything in my area other than a talking telephone therapy service, which I've done several times for general anxiety and found useless. I'm on quite a high level of medication for anxiety. I'm currently about 7 stone over my ideal weight (according to BMI guidelines), and still struggling to control bingeing. Over the last few years, I've noticed DH getting grumpy, snappy and moody if I eat "bad" food in front of him. He will say he doesn't understand why I'm doing it if I want to lose weight, and gets very irritable and impatient if I ever try to explain my anxiety or bingeing to him. He thinks it is as simple as just "not doing it" ie bingeing. If I stick to a diet and go to the gym, whether it's slimming world, weight watchers, calorie counting or whatever else I've tried, he is totally different. Smiley, fun, and pleasant to be around. Over Christmas there has been "bad" food in the house, and I've eaten it. Every time my DH has become noticeably huffy and snappy, and rather than saying anything to me, he has taken it out on the kids or the dog, snapping at them or being too hard on them, and giving me the silent treatment. I am sick of his behaviour. I get that my weight is not ideal, I know my health is at risk, and I am trying so hard to change, but I cannot cope with this and if anything, it pushes me towards bingeing as a "release". I've even threatened to leave him, but he just doesn't say anything. Is there anyone else in a marriage like this? I desperately want to lose weight and get fit so I can start feeling healthy, but working full time, and often at night as well, as well as doing all the life admin, finances, and looking after the kids and dog etc is so hard. DH is just making me feel worse. I dread spending time with him. Thank you if you have read this far.

You are under extreme pressure to lose weight. The motivation to lose weight should come from you, because you want to be healthier. It’s extremely stressful being pressured to lose weight so that he can get his d*ck up. He has to support you, not bully you into being his ideal body type.

I think you're getting a hard time from some posters.
I completely get your issues OP, I live with them myself. Honestly the best advice I can give is to be kind to yourself. I've spent too many years living with the self loathing and the weight loss/gain. What I've learned is that the only critic you need to live with is yourself, never mind what the scales say.
I don't think your DH is being intentionally unsupportive but I do think he needs to take the pressure off and love you for you, not for how you look. And certainly not for what food you put in your mouth. Yoy are an adult and can decide that for yourself.

I agree he shouldn't take it out on the children. But your behaviour is not great for the children to witness either.

However it sounds like he is trying to support you and has maybe got to the end of his tether. Who is supporting him?

@NeverDropYourMooncup

Swap 'bad food' for 'a bottle of whiskey'.

You're saying the equivalent of 'If he wasn't mean to me and say I shouldn't be drinking, I wouldn't drink a bottle of whiskey, so it's his fault, he's making me be an alcoholic'.

Not true at ALL. This behaviour has gotten gradually worse over the last few years. My bingeing has remained consistent. Yes, him being moody and silent makes me want to reach for chocolate, but the urge to binge is always there, even if he is in a good mood. Him being horrible just makes me feel like shit.

@Waftypants

Men have a tendency to want to fix things, he can't fix this, it frustrates him, he feels powerless.

That's another interesting thought. Thank you.

In the kindest way possible…

If you’re 7 stone overweight, he’ll be worried about your health, the example you’re setting for your children, he’ll be less physically attracted to you, he’ll be dealing with your unhappiness and poor self-confidence because of your weight (eg avoiding social events), he’ll find it frustrating that you get so upset about it yet appear to do little about it, he’ll probably feel frustrated and unsympathetic about your excuses (even if they are valid)

Of course he’s suffering. You’re both living with this addiction.
Of course he shouldn’t take it out on you or the kids or the dog, but he’s human too OP

Can you see how frustrating it is to constantly bear the brunt of emotional support for someone who continues to self destruct?

Yes. He lives with an addict, and that's enormously stressful.

I have a friend with self destructive tendencies. I've been their support for years, and it's SO hard. I find it so stressful trying not to erupt myself when, yet again, they do something that I know is going to lead to them then crying to me and feeling bad about themselves. I consider myself a fairly compassionate and empathetic person, but the frustration is immense and my sympathy is becoming almost non existent.

I couldn't possibly live with them.

This behaviour has gotten gradually worse over the last few years. My bingeing has remained consistent.

So he's supported you for years and nothing has changed? I can see how this would be tiring and frustrating for him.

My exh had depression.. Wouldn't take meds. Wouldn't attend therapy. Wouldn't take any supportive suggestions from GP. We were all expected to live with his behaviour and tip toe around him. Knowing he would be moody /grouchy etc and affecting us all. Very hard to be nice /happy /loving /non confrontational when he wouldn't help himself.

There are a lot of nasty people in the world, OP, and it looks like they're making their way to this thread to put the boot in.

Your DH's behaviour is unhelpful and unkind. It won't bring the result he seems to want. So forget what he thinks and what he wants.

Do you want to have someone else police your eating? This isn't something loving he is doing. That would show itself more as him managing the shopping and cooking to take some of the strain off you.

So. Punishment won't help you overcome this, but love will. Love yourself and don't let his bad attitudes come between you and your improving health. Go back to your talking therapy because every little thing you can do will help. Make small changes in your eating habits. It's cumulative. Love yourself enough to do this and don't hurt yourself on the occasions when you can't resist temptation. Just let it go, get back on track at the next meal.

Good luck.