DH goes silent and moody if I eat bad food

[PinkBauble]

NC for this. There is a bit of a backstory to this- I have been with DH for 16 years. When we met I was a slim size 12 (I'm 5'7). Just after we got married (together 4 years at that point), I qualified into a stressful profession and my eating habits spiralled. I began bingeing and my weight increased. Within a year I had put on 5 stone. It caused a lot of problems, and my self confidence became non-existent. DH confessed he did not find me as attractive or fancy me as much. I did ask him and put him on the spot but that was hard to hear.
For the last 11 years I have battled with my weight. I had DD1 8 years ago and when I was on maternity leave I signed up to weight watchers, joined a gym, and lost 4.5 stone. However, when I went back to work (full time) my stress levels increased, I wasn't able to go to the gym as much as I had been, and I began bingeing again. I then had a miscarriage and this really made me turn to food even more. I fell pregnant with DD2 fairly quickly after the mc, and managed to remain a fairly healthy weight. When she was born, I couldn't do what I had done on my previous maternity leave as I had DD1 too, and I really struggled with bingeing. A few times I managed to lose a few stone but I always put it back on again.
I have cried on DH's shoulder about my weight lots of times, and refused to go to parties or events as I was so self conscious, and initially he was supportive.
I have been diagnosed with Binge Eating Disorder, and my GP is trying to get me help, but there isn't anything in my area other than a talking telephone therapy service, which I've done several times for general anxiety and found useless. I'm on quite a high level of medication for anxiety.
I'm currently about 7 stone over my ideal weight (according to BMI guidelines), and still struggling to control bingeing.

Over the last few years, I've noticed DH getting grumpy, snappy and moody if I eat "bad" food in front of him. He will say he doesn't understand why I'm doing it if I want to lose weight, and gets very irritable and impatient if I ever try to explain my anxiety or bingeing to him. He thinks it is as simple as just "not doing it" ie bingeing. If I stick to a diet and go to the gym, whether it's slimming world, weight watchers, calorie counting or whatever else I've tried, he is totally different. Smiley, fun, and pleasant to be around.
Over Christmas there has been "bad" food in the house, and I've eaten it. Every time my DH has become noticeably huffy and snappy, and rather than saying anything to me, he has taken it out on the kids or the dog, snapping at them or being too hard on them, and giving me the silent treatment.

I am sick of his behaviour. I get that my weight is not ideal, I know my health is at risk, and I am trying so hard to change, but I cannot cope with this and if anything, it pushes me towards bingeing as a "release". I've even threatened to leave him, but he just doesn't say anything.
Is there anyone else in a marriage like this? I desperately want to lose weight and get fit so I can start feeling healthy, but working full time, and often at night as well, as well as doing all the life admin, finances, and looking after the kids and dog etc is so hard. DH is just making me feel worse. I dread spending time with him.
Thank you if you have read this far.

@EssexLioness @saraclara There have been some posts that have made me cry, and others that have either missed the point completely or clearly don't understand. On the whole I have found this thread very insightful and it has definitely helped me realise how one sided I have been.

I'm sorry to hear what you and your husband and family are going through. I read this article the other day where Richard Osman revealed his battle with Binge Eating Disorder. I'm linking it here as you many find it useful.

www.bbc.co.uk/news/entertainment-arts-59769725

Good luck x

I think I have an eating disorder, food to me is like an addiction, especially chocolate, cookies kind of food. I feel like I have no self control. I am probably around 4 stone over my ideal weight. I lost 1.5st earlier this year and then got covid and it just went back out the window. 7 years ago I lost 5 st after a break up. With my current partner I had maintained my weight up to about 2 years in and now I yo yo between 13 and 15 stone. I think about the food I put into my body and it disgusts me. I am determined to just try and make better choices tomorrow and your post came up as I was lying in bed feeling guilty about the food I have eaten today. It has such a massive knock on effect on my self confidence and how I feel mentally. I hope I can do this tomorrow and I hope you can too. I keep telling myself I can do this. I've done it already and so have you. ❤

I'm really flabbergasted at some of these replies.

Op, please let me reassure that there is no way this is comparable to having an alcoholic parent. I was terrified of my dad's alcohol fulled rages and violence. I was exhausted by not knowing what kind of state I'd find him in.

Many posters on this thread think they can fix you with a few tough words.

The way your husband is behaving is really unacceptable.

@Higgeldypiggeldy35

Have you tried intermittent fasting? I follow the 5.:2 diet and I find knowing I only have to do a day then I can eat what I want on the next day takes the pressure off immensely.

IF doesn’t always work for a binge eater because it can encourage you to binge even harder during the normal days.

He may be doing his share of the housework, but you are carrying the entire mental load for the family, on top of a full time job. Look up 'mental load'.

Look at it this way - if you are working full time then you can afford the counselling - you just have to prioritise it over every other bill or household expense. Cut back elsewhere. Prioritise yourself.

Maybe part of the eating is trying to 'feed' yourself metaphorically, to fill the emotional hole, to re-charge, to grab a tiny bit of 'something for me'. What you need is genuine self-care and healing - time to sleep, to daydream, time to stop having to think about work and home admin and everyone and everything else.

You have to be ruthlessly selfish. Spend money on counselling for yourself. Take time and the car to go to the group in the city. Take time and money to go to yoga or gym or whatever. Take long baths. Read a book. Do some colouring-in or cross stitch or knitting or playing music or whatever you feel like. Let everything else take second place.

Are you horrified at this suggestion? Are you thinking "but what about the family? the marriage? the children? the emails? the dog?"

But what about you ???

You need to focus on yourself. You can't change his behaviour. You can change yours. Stop saying "but it isn't fair he takes it out on the kids or the dog". No one is saying it is they're just saying it's because he's frustrated as I'm sure you are.

Take your kids and dog away from the situation or ask him to leave. Those are the options. Your weight is separate to your relationship with him. You're both unhappy. You both feel like the victim but right now you're at an impasse about whose behaviour is worse. Of course ill people deserve empathy and eating disorders are an illness but by god can people with them be selfish. I know because I have and am recovering from one.

Highly recommend listening to Celia imrie on desert Island discs. Her views aren't popular but she's also an ex ed sufferer. Or Louis therouxs documentary on ed. It's useful to see it from the perspective of family members instead of just how hard it is on you.

The thing is, it doesn’t matter if the ops husband is supportive, as it appears he has been in the past. It doesn’t matter if he ignores It, or tells her she’s beautiful. As much as it’s easy to try to find a way to blame him. Her weight is not his fault. It’s not his responsibility. This isn’t new.

No reaction he has is going to make the op loose weight. Trying to pretend her weight is his fault, if he was nicer or did more life admin, isn’t going to make her loose weight. She’s living proof of that. It would just make her life a bit more pleasant.

I think after decades of this, if my husband was seven stone over weight, I’d get to thr pissed off stage as well. Taking it out on the kids and the dog is totally unacceptable, but having had enough is understandable.

To maintain this weight, the op is buying and eating thousands of calories a day averaged over a week. Her husband will know this. Her kids will know it at some point. That’s hard to understand for many.

Plus there is the physicality, some folks think if you love someone then you should fancy them irrelevant of their appearance, but for many it doesn’t work like that, and they do not find obesity sexy. It also impacts things you can do, stairs, walking, running after the kids. And impacts your self esteem, confidence, how you dress and carry yourself.

And yes, he maybe embarrassed to a certain extent. As shallow as it is.

And then there is the health issues, that if they aren’t there now, will likely become apparent in the future.

This is hard for both of them, mental illness is always hard to live with, as is addiction, so they are both in a very difficult situation that’s been going on for a very long time and it will need to come to a head at some point, either the op will get help to get healthy, or he will simply accept it, or he will end the marriage.

OP - does your husband work full time? As you have a professional job, which presumably has a fairly high salary to go with it, would it be posible for him to reduce his hours to part time, so that he can do more of the life admin and childcare, to lighten the load for you? If that happened, do you think you would feel less stressed and make time to take more exercise? It sounds like he is stressed and is gritting his teeth, trying not to argue with you, as he watches you slowly sabotage your health.

I have had spells in the past where I would comfort eat and/or binge eat, and I was overweight for a few years. My DH sometimes made the mistake of acting like the food police when I indulged in an unhealthy snack, but this was the worst thing he could do, as I would get angry with him, eat the snack anyway, then wait until he'd gone to bed and eat MORE stuff in secret, almost to spite him. Childish but true. In the end I explained to him that he needs to resist the urge to comment when I have a snack, because if he spoils the pleasure of my snack in that way I only end up eating more.

You are right that food addiction is harder to cope with in some ways than other addictions, as we all need to eat every day to live, so food is unavoidable and temptations are everywhere. Also, no doubt you bought lots of nice food for the festive period, so it is harder when the house if full of tempting treats. Once New Year arrives it should be easier to buy healthy food choices - if there is no chocolate in the house to eat that might be easier for you. I did eventually lose weight with Slimming World, and have adapted my general eating habits to be a bit healthier overall, so I am a healthy weight now. I also do a long walk most days, which seems to help. I started walking around the block, then increased it gradually to the point where I regularly walk 5 miles now. It can be done, baby steps, just pace yourself. I still occasionally binge eat, but then eat more carefully the next day to balance it.

Good luck OP.

My ex had weight issues. I can honestly say that I found her attractive throughout, and the actual weight was never an issue for me. I loved her regardless of the number and her weight was never a real barrier.

However what was an issue was how she felt about her weight. Id inwardly groan every time she would reach for junk food or we'd have a week of unhealthy eating (fish and chips was always a give away) because I was anticipating what came next. She would feel horrendously fat, and sulk, and cry and be generally miserable.

I knew when she bought certain foods or I found certain wrappers that they were things she'd bought to punish her self, or as part of a destructive pity cycle rather than as a nice treat to herself.

How she felt about her weight was the difference between a good week for us where she was funny, engaged and we might even have sex, or a bad week where she'd be withdrawn, angry (at herself but that came out on us) and generally sad. I'd could see it all coming and anticipate the self hatred and things like possible making herself sick or that next week she might not eat at all

She withdrew from social events, and stopped doing things she loved because she was "too fat for them" ( she wasnt)

I'm sure your dh knows the secret eating, finding food is part of a similar cycle.

@Morechocmorechoc

So get all the quality street and cake out the house. When you binge there must only be healthy things to reach for. Make a healthy meal plan and buy only for that. Tell the family that's what's happening and tell your DH if he gets angry with the dog or kids again you're done trying. Make the change. It has to come from you but everyone has to be prepared to help you. That means NOTHING bad in the house and no change on you to buy things at work and you take a healthy lunch with you.

I get it, I binged, I got fat. Removal is the only remedy.

This... you're not binging on carrot sticks. Remove these items that are bad to binge on. I can really appreciate his frustration, he's been supportive for 11 years.

You have to change if you want to change. You can;t be passive in this. You will do it when that switch trips in your brain and you can't stand it any more.
I would recommend MyFitnessPal. it's free. You make real friends there (if you want to, of-course). Gte the junk food out of the house. Log your food and take responsibility for what you do.
Your husband is watching you slowly kill yourself with food. No wonder he is past himself.

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

I have cried on DH's shoulder about my weight lots of times, and refused to go to parties or events as I was so self conscious, and initially he was supportive

Can you see how frustrating it is to constantly bear the brunt of emotional support for someone who continues to self destruct?

Why is there "bad" food in the house? Why buy it?

Alternatively, live the life you want and eat what you want but find another outlet for your support as he cant do both.

Not OP but also someone who struggles with weight.

Our house is full of "bad" food because no one else has an unhealthy attachment to the food and so to them it's not "bad".

I, on the other hand, have 20 years of poor eating habits, trauma and stress which is behind the psychological desire to binge eat.

I've asked that we simply don't buy the "bad" foods because I'll eat anything! I'd rather eat a pound of carrot sticks and hummus than a pound of cakes, biscuits and crisps, but the simple answer is when you live with other people who don't have the same issues as you, you can't expect them to go without.

Just as a different prospective to come at it from: I am a recovering anorexic in a long term relationship who has really struggled with being in a relationship with both a partner and an eating disorder. The anorexia has lived with me, on and off, for over 25 years at this point, yet I have never found it as hard to fight as it has when I have the urge to lose weight whilst being with the man I hope to spend the rest of my life with. Mainly because: you have to put your partner above the eating disorder. When all you've relied on is food/the restriction of food, as a method of control for so long it is terrifying to relinquish control. But honestly, something has to give.

And I get, completely, that food isn't like drugs or alcohol or other addictive behaviour where you remove the stimulus and it's automatically healthier. I've struggled for years with the paradox.

The thing is, honestly, no eating disorder is worth it, it's really not. No urge or desire or compulsion trumps someone loving you so fucking much that they will march you to a doctors in tears to try and help you. I fought against it for a good while, thinking nothing was as good for me as the need to control my weight.

The same applies at the other end of the scale, i think. What would actually help you? What is good for you? If you close your eyes and imagine a better life, is the eating disorder in it? I am not trying to diminish the power of it at all only to ask you to maybe look at it from the other side... if it's a choice, what would you choose?

If it's the love of your partner, then it is worth gathering every iota of strength you have to fight this, and overcome it. It can be done. I hope that makes sense.

I just want to say that Alcoholics Anonimous also has Overeaters Anonymous. A friend of mine used to go and found it was very helpful.

And maybe even Al Anon would be helpful for your husband.

The things that we should do for our children include showing them how adults address our problems and look for a solution until we find one. Giving up an addiction requires a lot of work and self-knowledge and that will make you a much wiser parent that your children will look up to.

I can sympathise with you both. On your side, I smoked for 45 years and anyone trying to stop me smoking just had me reaching for a cigarette. Other posters have explained his point of view much better than I ever could.

Lots of people have weight and food addiction issues because we still have a primitive brain even though we now have supermarkets and fridges and plentiful food so no longer need that brain!

You've got to understand that your brain is driving those fat and sugary urges and that it isn't because you're lazy or fat or anything. It is your instincts. However, luckily, we can retrain or fool our brains once we know what works. Distract it. Find other ways to get dopamine, mix our habits etc

But it has to come from you. Ignore your husband and do whatever you need to do to make yourself feel happy fro yourself.

Find other ways to reward yourself.

Momijin that makes sense to me. How do you suggest overcoming it ? Is this something you've done?

Ive been googling therapists. £40 plus with actual psychologists £100 plus. Crazy money we dont have sadly.

I'd quite like the support. When Ive tried via dr (i have abusive childhood too/child is autistic I suspect I am) I just get offered the scripted 6 sessions through IAPT.

I really wish there was more help for trajma therapy/eating disorder as it would save so much money in the long run.

He clearly doesn't understand the emotional factors in binge eating it's not as straightforward as "don't do it" at the same time it's hard to watch someone you love repeating destructive behaviours. But the taking it out on kids is a massive no it's a bit like he's blaming you. Like it's your fault he's so angry. But really he's responsible for his behaviour. It sounds like you need more help for your issues is there any counselling you could access or local charities that offer support? With regard to dh is he causing some of this? Or is the job? Are there practical changes you could make that may reduce stress?

I'm not sure it's helpful to label it an ED as it almost removes responsibility from you for it.

It's unpleasant for you to have a negative response from him but devastating for him to worry about your health and know you are negatively shaping your children's views of food. As others have said, it is intensely frustrating to see someone engage in unhealthy and self destructive behaviour over and over. You want them to "just stop" and feel that you (& the children) don't matter to you as much as the food (or drink) if you can't.

Starting point: 10 mental load things you hand over to him completely each Friday then on the weekend you can think positively and plan your eating the following week. And if he doesn’t do them then he had better not dare be moody at you - you have an eating disorder, what’s his health condition preventing him from shopping for the food and making lunches for his dc during the week? Lazyitis? Sabotagethewifeitis?

When you don’t go to social events, does that mean your DH doesn’t go either?

You know you really don’t have to have a tin of quality street and a Christmas cake or any other high calorie fat, sugary carb laden food around.
Don’t buy it then you don’t eat it.
Have a gorgeous fruit bowl instead.
You are binging because you are surrounding yourself with food and are unable to resist it. You are enabling yourself.

It’s not your husband’s place to police you but he must be frustrated that you refuse to socialise and yet continue to eat junk that increases your weight.

Interesting thread. Things I've never thought of before.

I also commend you for the way you’re handling the responses on this thread, especially those who have lived with people with this disorder.
I’m currently living with somebody who is several stone heavier than when I met them. It is really hard. I just don’t find him attractive in the same way I did and it makes me question the whole relationship. This isn’t my fault, it is his problem and for him to sort out if he wants to salvage the marriage. I’ve tried been supportive, I’ve tried everything. I admit I even sulk sometimes when he’s eating bad food. I’m watching the father of my children slowly killing himself, I’m watching the person I love act like he doesn’t care that the way he looks affects how I feel about him sexually. I’m watching somebody struggle with things they used to find easy. I’m resentful and cross with him… I don’t say these things out loud but they are true.
OP, you need to wake up, your husband can’t help you or solve this for you, only you can.
You need counselling for your disorder and fast, possibly even paying privately for it. You can’t expect him to still fancy you, to still want you in the same way, to have the same respect for you as they day you got married. You just can’t. He’s not shallow… watching somebody you love slowly kill themselves and act like the relationship doesn’t matter to them (because that’s how it feels to him) is very hard.
I of course feel incredibly sorry for you too. You are in the grip of an eating disorder. But there is help available and you need to grab it with both hands.
I wish you both luck

Your husband sounds like he's getting to the end of his tether, but he still loves you and wants you to live a happy, healthy life OP. That's brilliant. You can't buy that kind of care.

I think you can turn it around, but it needs to be you - maybe it's the fear of losing your relationship that could help kick start your "final" big battle with this stuff?

Personally, I used to live off junk food. I ate a few packets of biscuits as a snack; demolished weekly huge boxes of chocolates from Costco; McDonalds for lunch most days; hated vegetables and existed on a beige sort of diet. Somehow it was okay till I was in my 30s and then I started going up in clothes sizes. Still I lived in denial.

Covid scared me into turning it around which is why I think a sort of fear can help. These days whenever I feel that urge to eat junk food (which I still do almost every single time I'm really hungry, because hey, it tastes amazing and it's literally designed by food companies to be addictive!), I force myself eat a load of healthy stuff first and have a few glasses of water. The urge fades. Rinse and repeat.

This isn't instinctive - it's something I've trained myself to do, and I bet you could too. I eat as much and often as I want throughout the day, but healthy whole foods only - like lettuce, cucumbers, carrots, broccoli, peas, eggs, chicken, salmon, etc. I've found that I can't let myself hungry because I'll reach for something "quick" like biscuits instead, and then the packet vanishes.

Over time this has become almost habitual and unconscious. The weight melted off but more importantly, I am so much healthier, I am full of energy, my body is happier and so is my MH. My husband has been SO impressed and relieved, he admits he used to worry all the time and it made him sad.

Lots of us here have had to work at this stuff too, and we can support you. Don't lean on your husband this time round, lean on us all instead, or the over eating groups which other people have mentioned here?