DH goes silent and moody if I eat bad food

[PinkBauble]

NC for this. There is a bit of a backstory to this- I have been with DH for 16 years. When we met I was a slim size 12 (I'm 5'7). Just after we got married (together 4 years at that point), I qualified into a stressful profession and my eating habits spiralled. I began bingeing and my weight increased. Within a year I had put on 5 stone. It caused a lot of problems, and my self confidence became non-existent. DH confessed he did not find me as attractive or fancy me as much. I did ask him and put him on the spot but that was hard to hear.
For the last 11 years I have battled with my weight. I had DD1 8 years ago and when I was on maternity leave I signed up to weight watchers, joined a gym, and lost 4.5 stone. However, when I went back to work (full time) my stress levels increased, I wasn't able to go to the gym as much as I had been, and I began bingeing again. I then had a miscarriage and this really made me turn to food even more. I fell pregnant with DD2 fairly quickly after the mc, and managed to remain a fairly healthy weight. When she was born, I couldn't do what I had done on my previous maternity leave as I had DD1 too, and I really struggled with bingeing. A few times I managed to lose a few stone but I always put it back on again.
I have cried on DH's shoulder about my weight lots of times, and refused to go to parties or events as I was so self conscious, and initially he was supportive.
I have been diagnosed with Binge Eating Disorder, and my GP is trying to get me help, but there isn't anything in my area other than a talking telephone therapy service, which I've done several times for general anxiety and found useless. I'm on quite a high level of medication for anxiety.
I'm currently about 7 stone over my ideal weight (according to BMI guidelines), and still struggling to control bingeing.

Over the last few years, I've noticed DH getting grumpy, snappy and moody if I eat "bad" food in front of him. He will say he doesn't understand why I'm doing it if I want to lose weight, and gets very irritable and impatient if I ever try to explain my anxiety or bingeing to him. He thinks it is as simple as just "not doing it" ie bingeing. If I stick to a diet and go to the gym, whether it's slimming world, weight watchers, calorie counting or whatever else I've tried, he is totally different. Smiley, fun, and pleasant to be around.
Over Christmas there has been "bad" food in the house, and I've eaten it. Every time my DH has become noticeably huffy and snappy, and rather than saying anything to me, he has taken it out on the kids or the dog, snapping at them or being too hard on them, and giving me the silent treatment.

I am sick of his behaviour. I get that my weight is not ideal, I know my health is at risk, and I am trying so hard to change, but I cannot cope with this and if anything, it pushes me towards bingeing as a "release". I've even threatened to leave him, but he just doesn't say anything.
Is there anyone else in a marriage like this? I desperately want to lose weight and get fit so I can start feeling healthy, but working full time, and often at night as well, as well as doing all the life admin, finances, and looking after the kids and dog etc is so hard. DH is just making me feel worse. I dread spending time with him.
Thank you if you have read this far.

Lighthouse, your contributions are unhelpful and creating conflict and polarisation completely unnecessarily. You are trying to take over the thread, simply put. Repeating yourself over and over again is unnecessary and ironically an annoying and aggressive distraction. It doesn’t shed any light.

@mvmvmvmv

Do you expect him to enable your binge eating? Do you want him to encourage it?

So the opposite to his emotionally abusive. Behaviour is to encourage her? Are you really unable to see the in between? He should bloody well respect her!!!!!

If this was an alcohol/drug issues you wouldn't be asking for us to support you. The harsh truth is, you have a problem and you need help. Binge eating isn't ok, you are self aware hence the breakdowns. How many times does he have to be there for you, support you and then watch you fall back into your old self destroying habits. Seek the help, do something about it. He clearly loves you and wants to support you. Now it's time for you to support yourself.

@user1481840227

He will see it as addictive behaviour like any other addiction, and generally people don't have much sympathy for addicts beyond a certain point because the addicts behaviour is negatively affecting everyones life, not just the addicts. Generally people will be supportive for some time but if the addict keeps relapsing then that turns to anger and frustration.

I don't think he's in the wrong here at all!

You don't think him emotionally abusing his children & dog because of OP's actions, is wrong???

@GrannytoaUnicorn

His actions are unhealthy and unproductive but not nearly as destructive as OPs. There is no evidence he is abusive. He gets shouty when stressed.

I wonder if your husband's holier than thou attitude towards your serious eating disorder is actually exacerbating your eating disorder. He sounds controlling. Its awful of him to take out his frustrations on your DC and DDog. I have the same disordered eating. My husband really gets it. This makes it much easier for me to heal. What is it exactly about your job that stresses you? I wonder if you are starved of love and support from him and that is why, since becoming a wife and mother, you use food to full the gaping void caused by his coldness and lack of insight. Feel free to PM me.

Just noticed that you often work nights. Sleep disturbance can make losing/maintaining weight very difficult.

I don't think your DH is abusive to be honest and I think you constantly looking to make him out to be in a terrible light to justify your own behaviour just plays to all the women on mumsnet whose answer to everything is LTB.

@BluePlatt

Lighthouse, your contributions are unhelpful and creating conflict and polarisation completely unnecessarily. You are trying to take over the thread, simply put. Repeating yourself over and over again is unnecessary and ironically an annoying and aggressive distraction. It doesn’t shed any light.

Absolutely this. And keep in mind that even OP has asked you to stop, @Lighthouse2000. You are flooding thr thread with the same chorus over and over and contributing nothing to the conversation at this point.

There are reasons why eating disorders services and addiction services are different psychiatric specialties, run by completely different teams.

Food is a basic human need. Alcohol and heroin aren't. You can't stop eating the way you can stop drinking alcohol. And as any actual eating disorder clinician will tell you, there are no such things as "bad" foods, so her husband throwing a strop because OP ate a handful of Quality Street is profoundly unhelpful. Even people without eating disorders struggle to cut all foods that are socially labelled 'bad', and they end up feeling guilty and weak when they slip - there are hundreds of posts attesting to this in diet threads on here. With eating disorders, the guilt, shame, and self-disgust are magnified. OP's already feeling guilty. She's already ashamed of her illness. Why do people on here assume that guilting her some more is going to make things better instead of making it worse? It seems like people are viewing BED as just overindulgence on a grander scale, to be cured by cutting out certain foods. It doesn't work like that, as OP has already found.

OP, you need professional support. I know ED services are practically non-existent unless you're physically unwell enough for hospital, but there are therapists who work on a sliding scale and charities who offer free or low-cost counselling. At the very least you can join eating disorder support forums. It's not the same as treatment, but it is reassuring and helpful to have the support of people who are or have been in your shoes and who understand that the solution isn't as simple as just buying tomatoes to snack on and not keeping chocolate in the house.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/eating_disorders/4439617-Binge-eating-support-thread

I've just started a support thread for those who suffered from BED.

@BluePlatt

Lighthouse, your contributions are unhelpful and creating conflict and polarisation completely unnecessarily. You are trying to take over the thread, simply put. Repeating yourself over and over again is unnecessary and ironically an annoying and aggressive distraction. It doesn’t shed any light.

Spot on The poster clearly has an agenda here and I hope the op can see that and ignore them

It's not really about the food for either you or your DH.
Both of you are struggling and when we are struggling we tend to be self absorbed and be unable to really 'relate' to another's distress like we might when are relaxed and more flexible in our perspective.
It sounds like your DH won't directly address the issue with you because he wants to avoid conflict and is afraid of being abandoned by you.
So he gets annoyed but then you can see him flaring up with the kids.
That's his shit to deal with. That's not nice behaviour regardless of any 'causes' of it. Chances are that's how he responds to stress and no matter what size, shape or anything he would respond like that.
He's just 'acting out' his emotional burden so that you can see it.
If he has anger issues they are his to deal with and you should tell him that. Your eating behaviour is separate to him.

Clearly say to him 'you cannot fix me, only I can do that and I'll have to find a way to manage that. You are not responsible for my health or well being, I am totally responsible for that. I am not responsible for your behaviour either. I see and hear you getting angry with the kids and the dog. If you are unkind or unpleasant to the kids or the dog, I am not a cause of that. We are each accountable for our own behaviours'.

*you cannot fix it for me
not 'fix me'. Of course no-one is 'broken' and no-one needs to be 'fixed'. Sorry to have implied that!

@irene9

*you cannot fix it for me not 'fix me'. Of course no-one is 'broken' and no-one needs to be 'fixed'. Sorry to have implied that!

I feel broken sometimes but I know what you mean!!

DH and I have talked a lot since I showed him this thread yesterday. We have thrown out a lot of the home baking to avoid temptation but as another poster said, I cannot expect him or my DC to go without treats just because I need to forgo them. So there is still stuff in the house. Luckily my DC love fruit and I've found snow melon in the local morrisons (the most gorgeous tasting melon EVER) so I've got a few of them in as well as satsumas and the usual apples, bananas etc.

I have stocked up on lots of fresh veg and I've had my pinch of nom books out and meal planned the for the next week.

I did 30 mins on the spin bike last night (we bought a second hand one from a gym during the first lockdown) and we are just about to go for a walk with the dog.

I'm not expecting miracles to happen but we are definitely off to a good start. I just need to be able to actually speak to a GP next, if I can ever get past the receptionist

That's a great start. I hope you are able to find a way to tackle the causes. But what a wonderful thing that you are acting like a team and communicating about this and with greater appreciation of the burden each other are struggling under. That will give you the greatest chance of success, turn to that whenever you hit a low. Xx

Saw your update OP, good for you!

I'm glad to hear the update OP, if you can afford to go private for therapy I would strongly urge you to do so.

Addictive behaviours affect everyone involved with the addict. I think this is the wake up call you needed to get help as DH seems to be out of options on how to support you without destroying the family.

OP, you'll do fine. I'm so glad your dh and family are supporting you.

Living with anyone who has addictive and self destructive behaviour is incredibly wearing and frustrating, especially when their health is at risk. There is only so long you can be supportive when that person continuously repeats the negative behaviours that cause their mood and general demeanour to be low.
You should suggest that your husband accesses support for himself

Sorry posted too soon as well as access your own individual support. You have two separate journeys here- one is you feeling better and managing your binge eating with support, the other is your husbands journey of living with someone with addiction