DH goes silent and moody if I eat bad food

[PinkBauble]

NC for this. There is a bit of a backstory to this- I have been with DH for 16 years. When we met I was a slim size 12 (I'm 5'7). Just after we got married (together 4 years at that point), I qualified into a stressful profession and my eating habits spiralled. I began bingeing and my weight increased. Within a year I had put on 5 stone. It caused a lot of problems, and my self confidence became non-existent. DH confessed he did not find me as attractive or fancy me as much. I did ask him and put him on the spot but that was hard to hear.
For the last 11 years I have battled with my weight. I had DD1 8 years ago and when I was on maternity leave I signed up to weight watchers, joined a gym, and lost 4.5 stone. However, when I went back to work (full time) my stress levels increased, I wasn't able to go to the gym as much as I had been, and I began bingeing again. I then had a miscarriage and this really made me turn to food even more. I fell pregnant with DD2 fairly quickly after the mc, and managed to remain a fairly healthy weight. When she was born, I couldn't do what I had done on my previous maternity leave as I had DD1 too, and I really struggled with bingeing. A few times I managed to lose a few stone but I always put it back on again.
I have cried on DH's shoulder about my weight lots of times, and refused to go to parties or events as I was so self conscious, and initially he was supportive.
I have been diagnosed with Binge Eating Disorder, and my GP is trying to get me help, but there isn't anything in my area other than a talking telephone therapy service, which I've done several times for general anxiety and found useless. I'm on quite a high level of medication for anxiety.
I'm currently about 7 stone over my ideal weight (according to BMI guidelines), and still struggling to control bingeing.

Over the last few years, I've noticed DH getting grumpy, snappy and moody if I eat "bad" food in front of him. He will say he doesn't understand why I'm doing it if I want to lose weight, and gets very irritable and impatient if I ever try to explain my anxiety or bingeing to him. He thinks it is as simple as just "not doing it" ie bingeing. If I stick to a diet and go to the gym, whether it's slimming world, weight watchers, calorie counting or whatever else I've tried, he is totally different. Smiley, fun, and pleasant to be around.
Over Christmas there has been "bad" food in the house, and I've eaten it. Every time my DH has become noticeably huffy and snappy, and rather than saying anything to me, he has taken it out on the kids or the dog, snapping at them or being too hard on them, and giving me the silent treatment.

I am sick of his behaviour. I get that my weight is not ideal, I know my health is at risk, and I am trying so hard to change, but I cannot cope with this and if anything, it pushes me towards bingeing as a "release". I've even threatened to leave him, but he just doesn't say anything.
Is there anyone else in a marriage like this? I desperately want to lose weight and get fit so I can start feeling healthy, but working full time, and often at night as well, as well as doing all the life admin, finances, and looking after the kids and dog etc is so hard. DH is just making me feel worse. I dread spending time with him.
Thank you if you have read this far.

@ImmutableSexQueen

There are a lot of nasty people in the world, OP, and it looks like they're making their way to this thread to put the boot in.

Your DH's behaviour is unhelpful and unkind. It won't bring the result he seems to want. So forget what he thinks and what he wants.

Do you want to have someone else police your eating? This isn't something loving he is doing. That would show itself more as him managing the shopping and cooking to take some of the strain off you.

So. Punishment won't help you overcome this, but love will. Love yourself and don't let his bad attitudes come between you and your improving health. Go back to your talking therapy because every little thing you can do will help. Make small changes in your eating habits. It's cumulative. Love yourself enough to do this and don't hurt yourself on the occasions when you can't resist temptation. Just let it go, get back on track at the next meal.

Good luck.

I agree with this...good luck on your journey!

How do I pm someone please?

@mvmvmvmv

Do you expect him to enable your binge eating? Do you want him to encourage it?

Food is your drug in the same way as other people are addicted to heroin or booze. Seven stone overweight is huge. I'm sorry to be harsh but it is. If he was drunk every night would you still find him attractive .Would you hug him and tell him it didn't matter and you still loved him. I doubt it but you expect him to endlessly understand and accept your addiction. Why do you have foods that cause you to binge in the house. My exhusband is an alcoholic. If it was there he couldn't resist it. It was horrendous He was a terrible parent and a terrible husband. In the end I lost patience with it and I lost all respect for him.You have to do more than you are doing. If you continue to frame it in your mind as you being a powerless victim of your addiction it will end up killing you.

@Skiptheheartsandflowers

Have you considered going back to private counselling? I've jury read back over your posts and it sounds like there is a lot to unpick in your life and childhood from what your previous counsellor said. You could go back to them or look for someone with expertise in eating disorders. You'll be waiting forever on the NHS and it really is worth the money to pay for therapy that really works.

I think it would help a lot, but I just cannot afford it at £60 a session. My previous employer paid for the first 6 or 8 sessions, then I paid for some but just couldn't afford to keep going.

@oopsydoopsy

Those who compare it to living with a drug addict or alcoholic, binge eating disorder is not comparable. There has to be food in the house, it's not realistic to expect anyone to live entirely on 100% healthy food, that's not how our society works. And actually the OP needs to find a way to eat with moderation, one of the hardest challenges. You can throw away all the alcohol, you can't get rid of all the food. It's everywhere, just look around you next time you walk down the street, people are snacking everywhere, food is available everywhere. It's extremely difficult to shut it out, in fact it's virtually impossible.

They are comparable.

Also even if you don't think they can be compared from the point of view of the one with the food issues then you should understand that the impact of it on the other person in the relationship is very similar to the impact of living with someone with other addictions.

With drink and drugs there is often an added worry of the addict getting themselves in risky or dangerous situations, but aside from those there is the day to day stuff, worrying about their general health long term, worrying about the next time they binge on their chosen drug, frustration that the person hasn't sorted out their issues yet, seeing the short term effects on the persons health...come downs/getting sick/looking sick...or their mental health..feeling disgusted with themselves etc....

Many, many people in the OP's husbands position react the very same way and it is the same way that partners of people with other addictions react, as it is clearly a natural consequence of living with someone who behaves destructively in some way, so they absolutely can and should be compared.

You can always guarantee when it's a thread about someone being overweight the shittest people come out. Binge eating disorder is hard, very few people would sulk if an anorexic person refused to eat, they would worry and try to support them, but on mumsnet if you have more than a sniff of broccoli a day you are a shit person and people can say whatever they like apparently.

"Food is your drug in the same way as other people are addicted to heroin or booze. Seven stone overweight is huge. I'm sorry to be harsh but it is. If he was drunk every night would you still find him attractive .Would you hug him and tell him it didn't matter and you still loved him. I doubt it but you expect him to endlessly understand and accept your addiction. Why do you have foods that cause you to binge in the house. My exhusband is an alcoholic. If it was there he couldn't resist it. It was horrendous He was a terrible parent and a terrible husband. In the end I lost patience with it and I lost all respect for him.You have to do more than you are doing. If you continue to frame it in your mind as you being a powerless victim of your addiction it will end up killing you."

Wow. You hit your mark. But I'm not a terrible mother and I don't think I am a terrible wife. You however, have made me feel about an inch big (and yes I get the irony).

It seems like your job is one of your triggers?

I have BED, largely managed after therapy, recognising my triggers, having developed coping mechanisms and finding a sport I love playing though (physical activity plays a huge part in keeping it under control for me, not because of the physical health benefits even but they are a bonus). I haven't binged in 4 months but some days are a real struggle.

Of course he shouldn't be making you feel this way or taking it out on others in the household, but it has been over a decade of you declining going to stuff, crying about your weight and saying you want to lose it, of course it's frustrating to see you eating handfuls of chocolate etc. I used to get very frustrated at myself!

They are comparable.

Also even if you don't think they can be compared from the point of view of the one with the food issues then you should understand that the impact of it on the other person in the relationship is very similar to the impact of living with someone with other addictions.

With drink and drugs there is often an added worry of the addict getting themselves in risky or dangerous situations, but aside from those there is the day to day stuff, worrying about their general health long term, worrying about the next time they binge on their chosen drug, frustration that the person hasn't sorted out their issues yet, seeing the short term effects on the persons health...come downs/getting sick/looking sick...or their mental health..feeling disgusted with themselves etc....

Many, many people in the OP's husbands position react the very same way and it is the same way that partners of people with other addictions react, as it is clearly a natural consequence of living with someone who behaves destructively in some way, so they absolutely can and should be compared.

This is the kind of post that is really helping me understand it from his point of view. Thank you.

I don't know if it is relevant or not, but I'm a size 18/20. Not what some of you might be imagining perhaps?

@user1481840227

He will see it as addictive behaviour like any other addiction, and generally people don't have much sympathy for addicts beyond a certain point because the addicts behaviour is negatively affecting everyones life, not just the addicts. Generally people will be supportive for some time but if the addict keeps relapsing then that turns to anger and frustration.

I don't think he's in the wrong here at all!

Agree with this. Imagine if we were talking about a husband and his drinking here instead of a woman and food. People would focus on the impact of the addictive behaviour on the non addict partner.

Have you tried OA?

@longcoffeebreak I have looked it up a few times but there are no meetings in my area. I live in a rural town. I think there was only one meeting a week in my nearest city but I will check again.

Blimey, OP's dh should not be behaving like this. Those posters that are saying oh he's at the end of his tether and the like are, quite frankly unbelievable.

As someone who has had a terribly unhealthy relationship with food since I was a child ( I was starved for most of my childhood ) and had to as an adult have full cupboards and fridge all the time I can relate entirely to the OP and her disorder.

Punishing someone who is mentally ill around food is completely counter productive , op's Dh is not helping matters and surely must realise that the harder a time he gives her the more likely she is is to turn to her crutch ( food) anyone who has had a issue with or around food would realise this, those posters that are commenting otherwise haven't got a fucking clue.

The fact that your Dh is taking out his frustrations around your disorder on the kids and dog is what stands out to me mostly from your post op.

I would be seriously considering my future with him.

My ex Dh used to Flap magazines like Elle or the like in my face and say 'see this, this is what a real woman looks like' or 'well you don't look at the fireplace when you are poking the fire' he WAS abusive around my weight ( and other areas ) and he made me worse - yes he didn't put the food in my mouth but he was responsible for making me feel a whole lot worse about myself.

Luckily I divorced that arsehole and met my current Dh within a couple of years. He loved me at 18.3 and loves me just as much at my current weight of 12.2 ( bmi is now 27 ) it can be done op, you can do this but from what you are writing about your 'Dh' his attitude and the way he treats you isn't helping in the least.

Its really annoying to listen to someone whinge about their weight and then watch them eat a ton of shit. He's probably just bored with the whole thing.

Your weight problem sounds the same as the majority of middle aged women- yoyoing up and down, putting weight on with babies, eating when stressed. Dieting ("battling") for the past decade. You seem to be making a massive drama llama deal about it instead of just saying "I eat too much and wish I didn't".

OP you have my sympathy as I struggled with binge eating disorder for years and know that it is not as simple as just eating healthily. I also struggled with low confidence and shame and self loathing for allowing food to control me. It is possible to beat it but it is always a work in progress.
However, you also asked how it negatively affects your husband. It is impossible to say for sure as I don’t know him, but the following are possible suggestions (sorry if this is upsetting, but I understand how mental illness and addiction can impact on loved ones):

• worry for your health and fear that you will die prematurely or he will be forced to adopt the role as your carer in the future
• fear for your daughters health. Even though they never see you binge they will pick up on your dysfunctional attitude to food, and the fact that food has become a source of tension between you and DH. This creates a lot of stress around food. We often try to do the opposite of what we see as our parent’s flaws so I think it may be a real concern of his that your daughters will develop anorexia/ an obsession with dieting. My mum’s own morbid obesity led to both me and my sister developing anorexia as a fear response to not wanting to be ‘fat’. I then developed binge eating disorder in later life and have struggled with my weight going up and down most of my life
• frustration/ anger towards you because you are unable to resolve your issues (not your fault, but it would be understandable for him to feel some frustration)
• sadness at the loss of your relationship as it previously was. Eg more carefree, maybe more physical attraction?
• exhaustion and stress of feeling like he is carrying you and your problems/ feeling like he always has to be the strong one
• resentment that if he is stressed that creates stress in you which then leads to your over eating. Feeling like he is being blamed somehow for your situation. My ex was an alcoholic and if I was upset or angry he would then say that stressed him so he would go off and drink which would then make me more stressed and miserable. I resented that and felt he turned all my problems into his own excuse for drinking. It felt like I couldn’t just be sad or whatever without him turning it around to be about him instead. He couldn’t support me because he was too busy focusing on himself. Not saying this is the case but it is a possibility.
• frustration that you are miserable and slowly killing yourself and he can’t do anything to help you or to take your pain away. He probably feels useless and out of control to see you hitting the self destruct button

He probably doesn’t think all of these things and there may be other issues bothering him but these are some ideas I had based on my own experiences. I’m sorry if that is upsetting, but you seem like a kind person who is truly trying to understand all the circumstances of this difficult situation

Hi OP, this sounds really tough. I put on a fair bit of weight during the pandemic (me and a load of other people I reckon!) and I lost it using an app called Noom. What I liked about it was it addressed psychological issues around food seriously. Ironically, I don't really have emotional issues with food and I don't have the trauma you have (which must be so hard) but I realised I did have issues with portion size. My DH is more like you and the app helped me to understand his issues as well.

Something else I learnt was that it takes time and effort to change a major thing like weight and you just cannot do that with a bunch of other stress in your life and no time.

I think if you could address the work stress it could help a lot. And my DH has chosen to be a fit fatty (he does Zwift in the garage) which is definitely better than nothing.

@JustWonderingIfYou

Its really annoying to listen to someone whinge about their weight and then watch them eat a ton of shit. He's probably just bored with the whole thing.

Your weight problem sounds the same as the majority of middle aged women- yoyoing up and down, putting weight on with babies, eating when stressed. Dieting ("battling") for the past decade. You seem to be making a massive drama llama deal about it instead of just saying "I eat too much and wish I didn't".

I have been diagnosed with a recognised eating disorder. Did you bother reading my post in full? Or did you just pop on to be a viper?

Are you thin by any chance?

Oops, waffled on and didn't address your post. I meant to add, I find my DH's over eating frustrating but I understand much better where it comes from now I've made efforts myself. And my efforts mean DH eats better by default.

So I'm not very impressed with your DH if he leaves you to do all the shopping and cooking.

@EssexLioness

OP you have my sympathy as I struggled with binge eating disorder for years and know that it is not as simple as just eating healthily. I also struggled with low confidence and shame and self loathing for allowing food to control me. It is possible to beat it but it is always a work in progress. However, you also asked how it negatively affects your husband. It is impossible to say for sure as I don’t know him, but the following are possible suggestions (sorry if this is upsetting, but I understand how mental illness and addiction can impact on loved ones):

• worry for your health and fear that you will die prematurely or he will be forced to adopt the role as your carer in the future
• fear for your daughters health. Even though they never see you binge they will pick up on your dysfunctional attitude to food, and the fact that food has become a source of tension between you and DH. This creates a lot of stress around food. We often try to do the opposite of what we see as our parent’s flaws so I think it may be a real concern of his that your daughters will develop anorexia/ an obsession with dieting. My mum’s own morbid obesity led to both me and my sister developing anorexia as a fear response to not wanting to be ‘fat’. I then developed binge eating disorder in later life and have struggled with my weight going up and down most of my life
• frustration/ anger towards you because you are unable to resolve your issues (not your fault, but it would be understandable for him to feel some frustration)
• sadness at the loss of your relationship as it previously was. Eg more carefree, maybe more physical attraction?
• exhaustion and stress of feeling like he is carrying you and your problems/ feeling like he always has to be the strong one
• resentment that if he is stressed that creates stress in you which then leads to your over eating. Feeling like he is being blamed somehow for your situation. My ex was an alcoholic and if I was upset or angry he would then say that stressed him so he would go off and drink which would then make me more stressed and miserable. I resented that and felt he turned all my problems into his own excuse for drinking. It felt like I couldn’t just be sad or whatever without him turning it around to be about him instead. He couldn’t support me because he was too busy focusing on himself. Not saying this is the case but it is a possibility.
• frustration that you are miserable and slowly killing yourself and he can’t do anything to help you or to take your pain away. He probably feels useless and out of control to see you hitting the self destruct button

He probably doesn’t think all of these things and there may be other issues bothering him but these are some ideas I had based on my own experiences. I’m sorry if that is upsetting, but you seem like a kind person who is truly trying to understand all the circumstances of this difficult situation

Thank you. Reading that list makes me realise that he is probably feeling a lot of these things. But he never talks to me about it?

[quote PinkBauble]@longcoffeebreak I have looked it up a few times but there are no meetings in my area. I live in a rural town. I think there was only one meeting a week in my nearest city but I will check again. [/quote]
There is an entirely online one

oafootsteps.com

I nearly died from an eating disorder and it saved my life. I had to give up sugar and flour though they were such trigger foods I had no control over eating them. I can binge on other things but it is not the same horrendous compulsion. I was so bad i had to go to a treatment centre to get off sugar.

Oh and undoubtedly at 7 stone overweight there are some restrictions on your mobility. Being honest does that restrict some of the things you can do as a family/ places you can go together? Maybe he feels he can’t enjoy the family life he was hoping to. I know when I was larger I struggled to go for long walks, and would’ve found it difficult to play with the kids, run around in the park etc. Even our sex life was less active as I would get tired and my knees were painful

Ugh that is difficult. I can see your DH's POV too, but by being judgemental,it just makes you want to binge more ...(if my mum ever comments on my weight or food intake it definitely triggers me to want to eat crap!).
I have found Bright Line Eating to be extremely helpful re binging and food addiction, you can buy the book on Amazon. (Basic premise is that it's sugar and flour that are the main triggers... there's more to it than that, and it really explains what's going on in your brain and why,once u let one of these things in, the cravings are literally impossible to ignore, if u have a brain that is susceptible. .. but yeah I definitely recommend having a read). Good luck, food addiction is so hard

I would ignore any nasty comments here where people are saying it's hard for your dh etc. It's hardest for you. I'm sure most people who want to lose weight have mentioned wanting to lose weight and then eaten something they shouldn't (I understand you have a recognised condition). Your dh is unhelpful and nasty tbh. He's being self-centred. He should treat you better. Maybe he should also try treating you the way you deserve to be treated and being more supporting. Is he perfect?

I think at 7 stones overweight you need to take ownership of your size and not use him as an emotional crutch. Your problem is far, far bigger than the little treats you’ve described. I think you know that too and until you get to a space where YOU want to lose weight for you, you aren’t going to get anywhere with long term weight loss.

He’s not coping well with it, but I imagine after so many years he’s re he’s the stage he knows it doesn’t matter how he reacts it won’t change.

Seven stone overweight is signficant, he is likely concerned about your health, your life span, the kids, and yes, about how you look.

When a woman posts her husband has gained this amount of weight, then the responses are usually harsh, to say it and then leave basically rather than stay with soneone who can’t control themselves and who you do not find physically attractive.

The situation isn’t easy in either of you, and you both need to try to communicate better and see it from the others perspective, how your weight impacts both of you.

Good luck op, I think you’re both in a difficult situation.

Rightly or wrongly I wouldn't be able to watch the person I loved engaging in self destructive addictive behaviour and remain calm, supportive and cheerful about it. I would be angry with them and resentful.

However he can't be taking it out on the children or the dog - that is his problem not yours, and he should speak to someone and learn to manage his emotions better.