DH goes silent and moody if I eat bad food

[PinkBauble]

NC for this. There is a bit of a backstory to this- I have been with DH for 16 years. When we met I was a slim size 12 (I'm 5'7). Just after we got married (together 4 years at that point), I qualified into a stressful profession and my eating habits spiralled. I began bingeing and my weight increased. Within a year I had put on 5 stone. It caused a lot of problems, and my self confidence became non-existent. DH confessed he did not find me as attractive or fancy me as much. I did ask him and put him on the spot but that was hard to hear.
For the last 11 years I have battled with my weight. I had DD1 8 years ago and when I was on maternity leave I signed up to weight watchers, joined a gym, and lost 4.5 stone. However, when I went back to work (full time) my stress levels increased, I wasn't able to go to the gym as much as I had been, and I began bingeing again. I then had a miscarriage and this really made me turn to food even more. I fell pregnant with DD2 fairly quickly after the mc, and managed to remain a fairly healthy weight. When she was born, I couldn't do what I had done on my previous maternity leave as I had DD1 too, and I really struggled with bingeing. A few times I managed to lose a few stone but I always put it back on again.
I have cried on DH's shoulder about my weight lots of times, and refused to go to parties or events as I was so self conscious, and initially he was supportive.
I have been diagnosed with Binge Eating Disorder, and my GP is trying to get me help, but there isn't anything in my area other than a talking telephone therapy service, which I've done several times for general anxiety and found useless. I'm on quite a high level of medication for anxiety.
I'm currently about 7 stone over my ideal weight (according to BMI guidelines), and still struggling to control bingeing.

Over the last few years, I've noticed DH getting grumpy, snappy and moody if I eat "bad" food in front of him. He will say he doesn't understand why I'm doing it if I want to lose weight, and gets very irritable and impatient if I ever try to explain my anxiety or bingeing to him. He thinks it is as simple as just "not doing it" ie bingeing. If I stick to a diet and go to the gym, whether it's slimming world, weight watchers, calorie counting or whatever else I've tried, he is totally different. Smiley, fun, and pleasant to be around.
Over Christmas there has been "bad" food in the house, and I've eaten it. Every time my DH has become noticeably huffy and snappy, and rather than saying anything to me, he has taken it out on the kids or the dog, snapping at them or being too hard on them, and giving me the silent treatment.

I am sick of his behaviour. I get that my weight is not ideal, I know my health is at risk, and I am trying so hard to change, but I cannot cope with this and if anything, it pushes me towards bingeing as a "release". I've even threatened to leave him, but he just doesn't say anything.
Is there anyone else in a marriage like this? I desperately want to lose weight and get fit so I can start feeling healthy, but working full time, and often at night as well, as well as doing all the life admin, finances, and looking after the kids and dog etc is so hard. DH is just making me feel worse. I dread spending time with him.
Thank you if you have read this far.

I can see it both ways. I've had issues with various eating disorders my entire life, and binge eating disorder for about 2 years on and off so I totally understand how bloody difficult and soul destroying it is. On the other hand, I see that it's so hard and frustrating as a partner of someone with a disorder (be it mental or physical). Sometimes it's really hard not to take things personally, to not quite understand, to feel annoyed and resentful, so I think you both need to cut each other some slack here. As an aside, have a listen to the brain over binge podcast. It's excellent. Really excellent.

@RedskyThisNight

I agree he shouldn't take it out on the children. But your behaviour is not great for the children to witness either.

However it sounds like he is trying to support you and has maybe got to the end of his tether. Who is supporting him?

A small silver lining if there is one, but I don't binge in front of my children, ever. I do it in secret. Not in front of DH. But clearly he knows I've been doing it as I never lose weight. I cook pinch of nom, two chubby Cubs, slimming foodie etc etc recipes. Always homemade means. My portion sizes are way too big though.
My DD's are slim and active, and at perfect weights. Thank god. But yes, I know they shouldn't see me this overweight, and I am sure they pick up on the way I feel. I am terrified I am going to have a heart attack or stroke. I wish there was a magic answer that could stop me bingeing. It is exhausting. But I don't need DH taking things out on our kids, or our dog. I'm scared of the dark (yea really) so he walks her in the winter, and he feeds her, yet she is my shadow and will only go to him after "checking" his mood. She will watch him until she is sure he isn't going to shout at her. It's horrible.

Your DH's behaviour is unhelpful and unkind. It won't bring the result he seems to want.

OP has struggled for 11 years now. For the majority of these DH was helpful and kind and supportive. That didn't help her either.

Those who compare it to living with a drug addict or alcoholic, binge eating disorder is not comparable. There has to be food in the house, it's not realistic to expect anyone to live entirely on 100% healthy food, that's not how our society works. And actually the OP needs to find a way to eat with moderation, one of the hardest challenges. You can throw away all the alcohol, you can't get rid of all the food. It's everywhere, just look around you next time you walk down the street, people are snacking everywhere, food is available everywhere. It's extremely difficult to shut it out, in fact it's virtually impossible.

I have so much sympathy for you, OP. I have BED myself and I know how hard it is. I have had similar issues with my DH too. I have had to stop talking to him about anything to do with weight loss, and I have always been a secret eater but it compounds that behaviour.

But on the other hand, I can’t imagine how frustrating it is for our husbands to have to be there from the other side. You can’t minimise that, how challenging it must be for them. Ideally what would you want him to do? Nothing? I’ve considered that with my DH but I genuinely think it would make me worse if I wasn’t thinking of his reaction etc

@Santahatesbraisedcabbage

As much as you can't help your eating disorder he can't help his reactions. Seek professional help ASAP.

What a strange comment - he can't help his reactions. Really?

His behaviour is abusive and controlling. Classic passive aggressive.

He could control his reactions; however, he's choosing to apply abusive tactics in an attempt to control his partner's eating habits.

OP, please ask for this thread to be moved over to the weight loss section of the forum so that you can receive advice/support on your eating habits. Or, you could start a new thread over there.

A small silver lining if there is one, but I don't binge in front of my children, ever. I do it in secret.

your children may not see you binging but they will have picked up on your unhealthy attitude to food; they will have noticed your anxiety and lack of self esteem and they will be aware of the bad atmosphere in the house between you and DH. And your children are both girls, so more statistically likely to develop eating disorders anyway. You're not seeing it at the moment because they are too young, but I'd be very worried about what messages they are picking up and storing away for the future.

@Santahatesbraisedcabbage

My exh had depression.. Wouldn't take meds. Wouldn't attend therapy. Wouldn't take any supportive suggestions from GP. We were all expected to live with his behaviour and tip toe around him. Knowing he would be moody /grouchy etc and affecting us all. Very hard to be nice /happy /loving /non confrontational when he wouldn't help himself.

Thank you for your comment, but with respect, I don't think it is comparable. I am DESPERATE to change. I despise my body. I feel both glaringly massive and completely invisible. I go to the gym (although my work/life balance needs to be addressed so I can go regularly again), I try diet after diet. I meal plan. I have all these plans, but the urge to binge is so strong, it's indescribable. I have internal debates with myself CONSTANTLY.

So get all the quality street and cake out the house. When you binge there must only be healthy things to reach for. Make a healthy meal plan and buy only for that. Tell the family that's what's happening and tell your DH if he gets angry with the dog or kids again you're done trying. Make the change. It has to come from you but everyone has to be prepared to help you. That means NOTHING bad in the house and no change on you to buy things at work and you take a healthy lunch with you.

I get it, I binged, I got fat. Removal is the only remedy.

Forgot to link this in my previous post.

I hope you find the info useful:

www.beateatingdisorders.org.uk/about-beat

@RedskyThisNight

This behaviour has gotten gradually worse over the last few years. My bingeing has remained consistent.

So he's supported you for years and nothing has changed? I can see how this would be tiring and frustrating for him.

So can I. But do you understand that ignoring me and creating an atmosphere and taking his frustration out on our children and dog is awful?

This behaviour has gotten gradually worse over the last few years. My bingeing has remained consistent. Yes, him being moody and silent makes me want to reach for chocolate, but the urge to binge is always there, even if he is in a good mood.

What you seem to be saying is that whether or not he behaves in a way you feel is supportive, it doesn't make your situation any better, but you do feel worse when he's critical. However, from his point of view, it must feel like he's expected to be 'good', tolerant and understanding of your problem, but without ever getting any benefit from that in you changing your habits and lessening the emotional turmoil It creates in you. You expect him to be 'well behaved' towards you, but you expect him to accept you whatever your behaviour is. I can see why he's kicking back against that.

@ImmutableSexQueen

There are a lot of nasty people in the world, OP, and it looks like they're making their way to this thread to put the boot in.

Your DH's behaviour is unhelpful and unkind. It won't bring the result he seems to want. So forget what he thinks and what he wants.

Do you want to have someone else police your eating? This isn't something loving he is doing. That would show itself more as him managing the shopping and cooking to take some of the strain off you.

So. Punishment won't help you overcome this, but love will. Love yourself and don't let his bad attitudes come between you and your improving health. Go back to your talking therapy because every little thing you can do will help. Make small changes in your eating habits. It's cumulative. Love yourself enough to do this and don't hurt yourself on the occasions when you can't resist temptation. Just let it go, get back on track at the next meal.

Good luck.

Thank you. I feel a bit teary after reading that.

@Callcat

I can see it both ways. I've had issues with various eating disorders my entire life, and binge eating disorder for about 2 years on and off so I totally understand how bloody difficult and soul destroying it is. On the other hand, I see that it's so hard and frustrating as a partner of someone with a disorder (be it mental or physical). Sometimes it's really hard not to take things personally, to not quite understand, to feel annoyed and resentful, so I think you both need to cut each other some slack here. As an aside, have a listen to the brain over binge podcast. It's excellent. Really excellent.

Thank you, I will.

@Morechocmorechoc

So get all the quality street and cake out the house. When you binge there must only be healthy things to reach for. Make a healthy meal plan and buy only for that. Tell the family that's what's happening and tell your DH if he gets angry with the dog or kids again you're done trying. Make the change. It has to come from you but everyone has to be prepared to help you. That means NOTHING bad in the house and no change on you to buy things at work and you take a healthy lunch with you.

I get it, I binged, I got fat. Removal is the only remedy.

Yes and with DHs attitude towards it he won't be in a position to complain that its all healthy food so he should be supportive. 11 years is a long time to support someone without them getting anywhere.

Probably not what you want to hear, but I can understand where your husband is coming from.

@oopsydoopsy

Those who compare it to living with a drug addict or alcoholic, binge eating disorder is not comparable. There has to be food in the house, it's not realistic to expect anyone to live entirely on 100% healthy food, that's not how our society works. And actually the OP needs to find a way to eat with moderation, one of the hardest challenges. You can throw away all the alcohol, you can't get rid of all the food. It's everywhere, just look around you next time you walk down the street, people are snacking everywhere, food is available everywhere. It's extremely difficult to shut it out, in fact it's virtually impossible.

Exactly this. It's such a relief to know that others understand this.

In reply to your above post, no more debates with yourself. Make up your mind right this second. Not tomorrow. Its done. Make the change right now. Or the truth is your kids might watch you fall down from a heart attack and die. Think about that. Make a choice. Not a selfish one. (I'm saying that knowing someone who that happened to very young from weight).

I'm not saying anythkng to be mean, but you need focus and don't have it.

@oopsydoopsy

Those who compare it to living with a drug addict or alcoholic, binge eating disorder is not comparable. There has to be food in the house, it's not realistic to expect anyone to live entirely on 100% healthy food, that's not how our society works. And actually the OP needs to find a way to eat with moderation, one of the hardest challenges. You can throw away all the alcohol, you can't get rid of all the food. It's everywhere, just look around you next time you walk down the street, people are snacking everywhere, food is available everywhere. It's extremely difficult to shut it out, in fact it's virtually impossible.

Alcoholics face similar problems, pubs on every other street, every significant life event toasted with alcohol, the fetishisation of wine and craft spirits/beers, the rituals around drinking. We drink to celebrate, to commiserate, to feel happy, to cover up sadness.

Unhealthy food is the same, cake is used to celebrate, cheer people up, as a treat, a "naughty" indulgence, being a "chocoholic" has been reduced to a meme printed on tea towels and fridge magnets. Body positivity is used to defend obesity.

But it's not hopeless. People can and do recover from alcoholism and binge eating disorders.

I can see his point of view.
You cry to him and get upset regularly, refuse to do things and he's expected just to sit and watch you eat crap food and then the cycle just constantly repeats as it's done for years? It's frustrating for him as nothing ever changes.
If you struggling and binging on crap food, why can't you just not buy it anymore? Take the temptation away?

@BooksAndGin

I can see his point of view. You cry to him and get upset regularly, refuse to do things and he's expected just to sit and watch you eat crap food and then the cycle just constantly repeats as it's done for years? It's frustrating for him as nothing ever changes. If you struggling and binging on crap food, why can't you just not buy it anymore? Take the temptation away?

Is this genuine? Do you really think it is as simple as just not buying unhealthy food? If so, you don't understand what it is like to suffer from a BED.

@MrOctopus

What exactly do you expect him to do?

Not have a tantrum presumably

Have you considered going back to private counselling? I've jury read back over your posts and it sounds like there is a lot to unpick in your life and childhood from what your previous counsellor said. You could go back to them or look for someone with expertise in eating disorders. You'll be waiting forever on the NHS and it really is worth the money to pay for therapy that really works.

If you're on fb please pm me, I'm a member of a group set up by a lady who binge ate and has now lost 11 stone. She shares her story and can help you find your way to a healthy weight. I go to the same running club as her and she is an inspiring person to know

@teaandchocolate1

Probably not what you want to hear, but I can understand where your husband is coming from.

So can I in terms of frustration, but giving me the silent treatment, creating an atmosphere and taking it out on our children and dog is surely not ok? Or is that my punishment?