DH goes silent and moody if I eat bad food

[PinkBauble]

NC for this. There is a bit of a backstory to this- I have been with DH for 16 years. When we met I was a slim size 12 (I'm 5'7). Just after we got married (together 4 years at that point), I qualified into a stressful profession and my eating habits spiralled. I began bingeing and my weight increased. Within a year I had put on 5 stone. It caused a lot of problems, and my self confidence became non-existent. DH confessed he did not find me as attractive or fancy me as much. I did ask him and put him on the spot but that was hard to hear.
For the last 11 years I have battled with my weight. I had DD1 8 years ago and when I was on maternity leave I signed up to weight watchers, joined a gym, and lost 4.5 stone. However, when I went back to work (full time) my stress levels increased, I wasn't able to go to the gym as much as I had been, and I began bingeing again. I then had a miscarriage and this really made me turn to food even more. I fell pregnant with DD2 fairly quickly after the mc, and managed to remain a fairly healthy weight. When she was born, I couldn't do what I had done on my previous maternity leave as I had DD1 too, and I really struggled with bingeing. A few times I managed to lose a few stone but I always put it back on again.
I have cried on DH's shoulder about my weight lots of times, and refused to go to parties or events as I was so self conscious, and initially he was supportive.
I have been diagnosed with Binge Eating Disorder, and my GP is trying to get me help, but there isn't anything in my area other than a talking telephone therapy service, which I've done several times for general anxiety and found useless. I'm on quite a high level of medication for anxiety.
I'm currently about 7 stone over my ideal weight (according to BMI guidelines), and still struggling to control bingeing.

Over the last few years, I've noticed DH getting grumpy, snappy and moody if I eat "bad" food in front of him. He will say he doesn't understand why I'm doing it if I want to lose weight, and gets very irritable and impatient if I ever try to explain my anxiety or bingeing to him. He thinks it is as simple as just "not doing it" ie bingeing. If I stick to a diet and go to the gym, whether it's slimming world, weight watchers, calorie counting or whatever else I've tried, he is totally different. Smiley, fun, and pleasant to be around.
Over Christmas there has been "bad" food in the house, and I've eaten it. Every time my DH has become noticeably huffy and snappy, and rather than saying anything to me, he has taken it out on the kids or the dog, snapping at them or being too hard on them, and giving me the silent treatment.

I am sick of his behaviour. I get that my weight is not ideal, I know my health is at risk, and I am trying so hard to change, but I cannot cope with this and if anything, it pushes me towards bingeing as a "release". I've even threatened to leave him, but he just doesn't say anything.
Is there anyone else in a marriage like this? I desperately want to lose weight and get fit so I can start feeling healthy, but working full time, and often at night as well, as well as doing all the life admin, finances, and looking after the kids and dog etc is so hard. DH is just making me feel worse. I dread spending time with him.
Thank you if you have read this far.

@tellitlikeitisnow

How about you take some responsibility for your binge eating instead of blaming everyone else, your job and your husband? Do you have no control over your life?

Your husband sounds like he's tried to be supportive but maybe he has a problem too. Have you ever considered that maybe you're making him stressed and I'll with your constant moaning?

How about you RTFT? It's blatantly obvious you haven't. Either that, or you are just being bitchy and looking to hurt.

@tellitlikeitisnow

How about you take some responsibility for your binge eating instead of blaming everyone else, your job and your husband? Do you have no control over your life?

Your husband sounds like he's tried to be supportive but maybe he has a problem too. Have you ever considered that maybe you're making him stressed and I'll with your constant moaning?

How about you read at least all OP's posts instead of posting and sounding like a bit of a bully? Just a thought.

I saw this woman on a recent presentation - she's very 'no nonsense'.

www.sheilagranger.com/

Addiction is painful for everyone involved. Could your DH consider counselling? - for himself. He shouldn’t take this out on the children, dog or you.

@PinkBauble I'm afraid that you are going to continue to be berated by people who haven't read your posts, especially the later updates. If you're an existing poster give probably seen it happen to others. Probably best for you to ignore if you can (it won't stop the rest of us berating them, but at least it'll spare you additional stress)

[quote saraclara]@PinkBauble I'm afraid that you are going to continue to be berated by people who haven't read your posts, especially the later updates. If you're an existing poster give probably seen it happen to others. Probably best for you to ignore if you can (it won't stop the rest of us berating them, but at least it'll spare you additional stress)[/quote]
Thank you. I know I should ignore. I'm a bit teary and wobbly tonight. It's been a tough 24 hours digesting all that has been said.

@tellitlikeitisnow

How about you take some responsibility for your binge eating instead of blaming everyone else, your job and your husband? Do you have no control over your life?

Your husband sounds like he's tried to be supportive but maybe he has a problem too. Have you ever considered that maybe you're making him stressed and I'll with your constant moaning?

Have you even read the OPs posts? You are spectacularly missing the point! The OP has had some harsh replies here and has continued to be polite, reflective and insightful throughout. She admitted initially that she hadn’t really thought about her DHs point of view - not uncommon among people struggling with mental health issues. She has also been very open about how difficult it must be for him too and how her viewpoint needs to change. She explained the stress of her job, upbringing etc but I never got the impression she is trying to absolve herself of responsibility.

OP you have got some unkind posts this evening but have also had some amazing advice and support. Please focus on the majority of posters who are trying to help, and not tear you apart

@EssexLioness thank you. You have been very kind and supportive.

[quote PinkBauble]@EssexLioness thank you. You have been very kind and supportive. [/quote]
You’re welcome. I think your responses on here have been incredible and can’t believe you are still getting abuse from some posters!

*Could the same not be said about OP who also admitted to a dysfunctional background and is eating herself to an early grave? Yet not a peep from you.

Why would I need to reiterate something so blatantly obvious that has been said numerous times, and that I already pointed op towards.

Its what's being ignored on this thead that I've chosen to focus on, since only myself and a few others have raised it and that is drowned out by the chorus of blame of op, sympathy for her h etc.

Op has had plenty of advice and guidance, and is an independent adult.

I'm more concerned about her kids.

@Midlifemusings

If taking out stress and frustration by being irritable and short with the kids makes one an abuser - then pretty much every parent I know is an abuser.

*….. Every time my DH has become noticeably huffy and snappy, and rather than saying anything to me, he has taken it out on the kids or the dog, snapping at them or being too hard on them….

…. then listening to him be hard on our children or dog….

…. it's affecting our marriage and our children….

…. Not take his anger and frustration out on our children or dog…

… So now he doesn't say anything, he just ignores me and creates an atmosphere….

…. him being moody and silent ..
Him being horrible just makes me feel like shit.

…. But I don't need DH taking things out on our kids, or our dog. I'm scared of the dark (yea really) so he walks her in the winter, and he feeds her, yet she is my shadow and will only go to him after "checking" his mood. She will watch him until she is sure he isn't going to shout at her. It's horrible.

…. Ignoring me and creating an atmosphere and taking his frustration out on our children and dog…

..He could definitely share the burden more. I do ALL life admin (insurances, car mots, vet appointments etc), organise everything the school including keeping on top of all emails from them, making sure they get homework done, booking after school clubs, I do the meal planning, I am responsible for paying all bills (we co tribute equally but I sort it out). If I ever challenge him about this he says I'm better at it than him. Which is rubbish- I'm just more organised because I have to be…

…. I realise I haven't expanded on DH's treatment of our DC's. As an example, if he asks them to tidy up, or finish their meal, and they do not respond instantly, he goes straight to shouting and threatening that they will go straight to bed/no sleep over at granny's/put toys in the bin etc.

We actually have beautifully behaved girls. They are sweet, kind, generous and funny. They will do anything I ask them to do because I ask nicely.

He demands and speaks to us all like shit when he is in a mood.

And he shouts. I can't deal with the shouting. I have lost count of how many times I have told him "it's not what you say, it's the way you say it".

….He is still storming around the house today in a strop.
When I've asked him what is wrong he just says nothing.

I mentioned plans for NYD as we have been invited to a family members house, and he has said I can go with the girls but he isn't going as he is "sick of us making all the effort".
For context, we live about half an hour away from most of my family and 5-10 mins from his. We spent Boxing Day and all day Monday with his family. I haven't seen my family at all yet, and the only plans to do so are on NYD. But now he is saying he won't go…

...However, him being huffy and giving me the silent treatment, then taking it out on the DC's or our dog (who is the most affectionate dog I've ever come across) is not ok, makes my anxiety sky rocket and makes it even more likely that I will binge. It's a vicious circle….

...He seems to have a hair trigger just now and will go from playing to shouting very quickly…

…. I think the posts about him being abusive really hit a nerve, and when I asked him for his thoughts he said he needed to stop taking it out on the girls and dog, but he "already knew that"...*

Sure thing mate.

FFS @Lighthouse2000, give it a break. We all know what your views are. You don't need to state them over and over again at ever greater length. We get it, the OP gets it. We just don't agree with you, and restating your case 100 times won't change that.

hi OP, hope you are doing ok! underlying pretty much all emotional eating issues are mental health issues or trauma, usually caused in childhood or some other traumatic event. Even if you don't recognise it, this is a very likely cause. I would suggest strongly that you get some MH support from a trained professional to look at your life, your childhood, how your habits developed and why. I didn't ever realise this myself but when I did it was really life changing. It will also help you take the blame off yourself, and focus on healing and re-learning how to look after and nourish yourself.

Also the trauma doesn't necessarily need to be obvious to you. Sometimes it's subtle and can take a therapist to help you sort out why or recognise it.

Please try to ignore the hurtful posts from people who don’t understand. I think you’ve been very brave to post on here, and I lot of what you’ve put I can relate too.
I recently over heard a friend make a joke about my weigh and it has floored me. The advice on here from some people is very valuable, and I wanted to let you know you’ll help other people by posting too. Take care of yourself 😊

@Lighthouse2000

That is what I thought. Based on your definition every parent I have ever met is abusive. I have never yet met a parent who has never been irritated or upset or raised their voice or expressed frustration with other family members. Zero - and I have a lot of friends who are parents!

Kudos to you for being the perfect parent. However being imperfect or even unhealthy is not the same as abusive.

@PinkBauble

I don't know how to quote but thank you for your reply. I don't think that dieting is taking responsibility. You know that isn't the root of the weight gain or the problem. Taking responsibility means a commitment to resolve the addiction. Not to losing a stone or doing another diet or going to the gym. Those still all allow you to binge eat will and feed your addiction while pretending to take action. You are taking action but not about the issue itself. That is a cop out.

I do wish you and your family all the best however like all addicts, until you admit that you are the one with the issue and that you need to (with professional help) take the action to deal with it - it will continue to perpetuate. I have now read the thread and you cling and respond positively to the comments of people absolving you of responsibility. I get that feels good but it actually won't change your situation. Your post should have been I have a binge eating addition and it is causing problems in my family. Until you can write that kind of post, I don't think you are going to really progress forward. And yes, I know people will say this is hurtful and you should just be told what you want to hear about how your husband is the problem and you are amazing just the way you are - and you can listen to those posts and continue to eat yourself into an early grave.

There are many resources - some you have to pay for but you have a serious illness - it is worth putting resources towards it and going with less in other areas for the sake of your health.

@pinkbauble I think you were very brave to broach this topic. I haven't read the whole thread, so apologies if it's already been suggested, but have you looked into support from Beat or a local eating disorders charity? Beat run support groups for loves ones too (online and in person) and this might help your husband to understand your condition better. It seems that like many people he sees eating disorders as essentially about food, and dieting as the answer to your problem, when in reality the food is just the surface symptom.

As you've already experienced, the idea of there being "good" and "bad" foods is profoundly unhelpful to ED sufferers. I was hospitalized for anorexia and until that point I would have thought that raw carrots were "good" food and chocolate was "bad" food. A no-nonsense dietician pointed out that raw carrots on their own are a bad diet, while a balanced diet that includes chocolate is good! It's all relative. If you try to cut out all foods that are perceived as bad, you're feeding into shame and guilt, which are often overwhelming emotions in any eating disorder. And so the cycle continues. I hope your husband can come to realise that it isn't about specific foods, so that the two of you can address the underlying issues.

Good luck with your recovery. Remember that people can and do get better.

Watching a partner do behaviours which negatively impact their life and health is very difficult My DH used to smoke and I would get upset and sulky with that. Didn't help, but your DHs sulking is just a reflection of his unhappiness. It's not helpful but it's how he feels and denying his right to his feelings is wrong too. You need to find a way to work with a problem and a mental disorder that is yours not his, to get you to a better place. Maybe he thinks being happy for you when you are binging is just enabling you and worsening the issue?

On a practical note, get rid of all foods in the house that you can binge on and get plenty of fruit and veg in. Join a support group. Facebook may have something? Maybe you need antidepressants?

He's been nice, supportive, he's tried the reverse tact of being horrible.... He's been horrible to you, it hasn't worked so now him getting irritated by kids /pets is what you will notice and are noticing so yes it is your punishment.

You don't need diets, plans etc you need therapy for your addiction first.

OP - I’ve read all of your posts on this thread. I don’t know why you binge eat or how you can resolve that issue,, but I do know that your husband is cruel, to you, the children and the pets. There’s no excuse for that.
Do you want to stay with him?

@saraclara

FFS *@Lighthouse2000*, give it a break. We all know what your views are. You don't need to state them over and over again at ever greater length. We get it, the OP gets it. We just don't agree with you, and restating your case 100 times won't change that.

Oh a self appointed mumsnet thread moderator who also uses "we" to speak for all posters in the thread, ignoring the ones who don't actually agree with her (of whom there are several).

My dear, you don't ever tell other posters when to stop posting, what not post etc. If you think it breaks guidelines report it. Otherwise, you are not moderating this thread and you do not tell other posters what to do. Get it.

so now him getting irritated by kids /pets is what you will notice and are noticing so yes it is your punishment.

To the contrary, its their punishment.

This thread, bar a few posters, has been like some kind of invasion of the body snatchers or stepford anti-mumsnet parallel universe.