DH goes silent and moody if I eat bad food

[PinkBauble]

NC for this. There is a bit of a backstory to this- I have been with DH for 16 years. When we met I was a slim size 12 (I'm 5'7). Just after we got married (together 4 years at that point), I qualified into a stressful profession and my eating habits spiralled. I began bingeing and my weight increased. Within a year I had put on 5 stone. It caused a lot of problems, and my self confidence became non-existent. DH confessed he did not find me as attractive or fancy me as much. I did ask him and put him on the spot but that was hard to hear.
For the last 11 years I have battled with my weight. I had DD1 8 years ago and when I was on maternity leave I signed up to weight watchers, joined a gym, and lost 4.5 stone. However, when I went back to work (full time) my stress levels increased, I wasn't able to go to the gym as much as I had been, and I began bingeing again. I then had a miscarriage and this really made me turn to food even more. I fell pregnant with DD2 fairly quickly after the mc, and managed to remain a fairly healthy weight. When she was born, I couldn't do what I had done on my previous maternity leave as I had DD1 too, and I really struggled with bingeing. A few times I managed to lose a few stone but I always put it back on again.
I have cried on DH's shoulder about my weight lots of times, and refused to go to parties or events as I was so self conscious, and initially he was supportive.
I have been diagnosed with Binge Eating Disorder, and my GP is trying to get me help, but there isn't anything in my area other than a talking telephone therapy service, which I've done several times for general anxiety and found useless. I'm on quite a high level of medication for anxiety.
I'm currently about 7 stone over my ideal weight (according to BMI guidelines), and still struggling to control bingeing.

Over the last few years, I've noticed DH getting grumpy, snappy and moody if I eat "bad" food in front of him. He will say he doesn't understand why I'm doing it if I want to lose weight, and gets very irritable and impatient if I ever try to explain my anxiety or bingeing to him. He thinks it is as simple as just "not doing it" ie bingeing. If I stick to a diet and go to the gym, whether it's slimming world, weight watchers, calorie counting or whatever else I've tried, he is totally different. Smiley, fun, and pleasant to be around.
Over Christmas there has been "bad" food in the house, and I've eaten it. Every time my DH has become noticeably huffy and snappy, and rather than saying anything to me, he has taken it out on the kids or the dog, snapping at them or being too hard on them, and giving me the silent treatment.

I am sick of his behaviour. I get that my weight is not ideal, I know my health is at risk, and I am trying so hard to change, but I cannot cope with this and if anything, it pushes me towards bingeing as a "release". I've even threatened to leave him, but he just doesn't say anything.
Is there anyone else in a marriage like this? I desperately want to lose weight and get fit so I can start feeling healthy, but working full time, and often at night as well, as well as doing all the life admin, finances, and looking after the kids and dog etc is so hard. DH is just making me feel worse. I dread spending time with him.
Thank you if you have read this far.

And how he wants to make you eat more.

Where did op say that?

[quote HacerSonarSusPasos]@Lighthouse2000 🙄🙄🙄 you're being so unnecessarily dramatic[/quote]
You're being such a minimiser and denier.

@Lighthouse2000 seems to have an agenda here. Everything is the fault of your husband and none is yours. I’d recommend hearing this in mind and listening more to the other posters who have given great, more balanced, advice

@Lighthouse2000 it is absolutely important that soap also recognises the impact of her behaviour on her loved ones. To simply point fingers at her husband as abusive without also seeing the abusive nature of the rollercoaster ride that her family is being put through is terrible advice. The OP would do well in taking a step back and looking at this holistically.

As I’ve said before, if her husband is part of the problem she should leave. The OP would be wasting her time trying to win a pointless fight about whether she or her husband is most at fault. This unhappy situation has built up over years.

OP not soap

@Youlittlerascal

Hi Pink baubles I truly understand and empathise. You are and have been carrying a lot of burdens.and your husband should be supporting and encouraging you rather than pulling at your self esteem. You are the mother of his children; see yourself as an earth momma; and find the joy in life in the precious things of life. Focus on the dog. Give your love to him in front of your husband. Use the dog as therapy and to get messages across to your husband. Whilst cuddling the dog - say with your husband listening - you love and value me for who l am and husband here does not know what he is missing out on. It is like a game and you have to box clever. Love your children more than your husband and he might get jealous. In your mind detach mentally from him and he will hold less power over you. Men don't understand women to our detriment. Box clever with him for your sake. Eat healthy mainly but if you want to have yummy things do so with a clear conscience. Hope there is something in this that is useful to you. I speak from experience of people not understanding me. Take care my friend.

So basically be fake and manipulative? Your post is all such unhealthy, damaging advice and I really hope OP thinks it's as bizarre as I do. Healthy, happy marriages are not built on game playing and manipulation. Marriages already under strain certainly aren't fixed by game playing and manipulation.

It's not surprising he's like this imo - you cry on his shoulder and refuse to go out because your are fat and then you stuff your face with fattening stuff in front of him. I understand you may not be able to help it as you have an ED but he is not abusive be is frustrated

@TheVolturi

To be honest there is nothing less attractive than a sulky man. I get that he's frustrated. But really, does he only love you when you're slim? Because if he does then he's a twat.

What if he loves her deeply and isn't coping well seeing this struggle and damage go on for years. If op struggles to control her behaviour due to deep seated emotional issues why is he expected to behave well despite deep seated emotions for his wife and this problem. That's quite a double standard. Just because his emotions aren't coming from childhood damage doesn't mean they aren't serious and he can wave them away and behave as well as a good husband with no major issues in his life.

I really feel for op, her husband and daughters they are all caught together in the shadow this ed is casting over their lives. When you are in a family, one person's problem is everyone's problem though the perspective and consequences may differ.
I'd give them all a hug if I could, they are all victims together. It's not op's 'fault' but only op can lead them to freedom (with lots of support and love and hopefully opportunities through expert help). For her family to support and love her, she also needs to do the same for them and mutual understanding goes a long long way to facilitating that.

@Youlittlerascal

Hi Pink baubles I truly understand and empathise. You are and have been carrying a lot of burdens.and your husband should be supporting and encouraging you rather than pulling at your self esteem. You are the mother of his children; see yourself as an earth momma; and find the joy in life in the precious things of life. Focus on the dog. Give your love to him in front of your husband. Use the dog as therapy and to get messages across to your husband. Whilst cuddling the dog - say with your husband listening - you love and value me for who l am and husband here does not know what he is missing out on. It is like a game and you have to box clever. Love your children more than your husband and he might get jealous. In your mind detach mentally from him and he will hold less power over you. Men don't understand women to our detriment. Box clever with him for your sake. Eat healthy mainly but if you want to have yummy things do so with a clear conscience. Hope there is something in this that is useful to you. I speak from experience of people not understanding me. Take care my friend.

And this is quite possibly the worst piece of advice I’ve ever seen on here.

Which is saying something…

Everything is the fault of your husband and none is yours

Never said anything approaching that.

What is the fault of her husband is the abuse towards his daughters.

The abuse also seems to be causing op anxiety that contributes to get eating disorder.

Those two things are the fault of her husband.

Op can take what she likes, her daighters owever are a different kettle of fish.

If he doesbt stop abusing them, regardless of his excuses (and op and lots of posters on here excuses for him) he needs to move out.

(That would still leave abusing them during access however).

PinkBauble you're amazing

KOKO

OP - if you've not already found it do visit the ED board on here.

also wanted to say how much I appreciated @velvetpeach post upthread. As a parent to someone with an ED, your point about "thinking nothing was as good for as the need to control my weight" really resonated in terms of framing recovery.

@PinkBauble It took me a while with my DD's anorexia to realise and really accept that the anorexia gave her something that she wasn't getting elsewhere. The trouble is that the anorexia took that space in her head and expanded and expanded until it became a dominant, consistent, constant, prominent thought that shaped everything she did. Until I reached that point I couldn't begin to help my DD. Equally, until she really addresses what need the ED was filling then she can't squish it away fully.

I would imagine that BED will have similar psychological roots and I agree with others that focusing on the what (the eating) and the how (to excess/in secret) won't really address the why. So, focusing on what you buy won't solve the core issue and therapy or other related MH support will be more appropriate.

Similarly, as I had to (or still try to do) reminding myself that the ED isn't logical meant the support I thought I was offering wasn't enough/correct. Would your DH consider contacting BEAT etc to access their support for his needs?

Finally, I know you've said access to counselling was expensive (and it is) and you face challenges in rural location - do have a look at the likes of www.orri-uk.com - an online service albeit one that may be ££ may well be money very well spent...

Good luck

@PinkBauble

It is far bigger, the Christmas cake etc are examples from the passed few days. I binge on chocolate. Big family bars. Lots of them. I do want to lose weight though, and for myself too. But I am stuck in this horrendous cycle of bingeing, saying never again, losing a few pounds but then being over one by the urge to binge. I don't know how to beat it/control it.

What's going on here is that your conscious, rational mind knows what you're doing is bad for your health and not a good strategy. That's the easy part and if that was all there was to it, no one would ever be overweight.

Unfortunately there's something in your subconscious that believes that there is a good, valid reason for you to overeat uncontrollably, and it is that part of you that takes over whenever there's a trigger - which could be as simple as seeing the food in the cupboard. This "rogue" part of your subconscious probably adopted this strategy at some point in your childhood; maybe to protect you from stress or to provide comfort that should have come from an external source.

The good news is that hypnosis/hypnotherapy can help you identify what, where and how this happen and as a result 'reprogram' your subconscious to adopt a healthy eating pattern. Look for a local practitioner that has experience with eating disorders (or it can be done by video).

You yourself compare it to a drug or alcohol addiction.

If you lived with an alcoholic who was binge drinking would you tolerate it and support his drinking?

that's basically what you're expecting him to do

I guess if he was an alcoholic and you got stroppy when he had a glass of wine, knowing the harm it is doing to him and how upset he gets about alcohol - people would be very understanding of this. It also sounds like he doesn’t even say anything mean to you, is clearly just frustrated about the situation. I don’t think he is in the wrong and I think blaming him for your eating is unfair.

Counselling - you need counselling - to get to the bottom of your anxieties.

Hi OP thank you for starting this thread I’ve read through every post and think you have answered the negative ones brilliantly and it’s interesting to read the other side. I was the same size and had the same amount to lose as you. March 5th this year having eaten too many biscuits and still going back for more, I felt I’ll, I suffered headaches and blurry vision and could tick my way down the pre diabetes symptoms list and I guess I must have just been at the right time as I made the decision to quit sugar and I was able to do it. The sugar side effects were not as bad as how I’ll I’d been feeling before so did manage the withdrawal ok.

It takes a long time for the images of sweets and cake to stop floating around your mind coupled with salivating taste buds it still hasn’t gone completely.

There is a long running thread on here based on Dr Andrew Jenkinsons book why we eat too much that you might find interesting and the book is definitely worth a read especially if you are able to join it with psychological help as well. www.mumsnet.com/Talk/weight_loss_chat/4332041-Why-We-Eat-Too-Much-Thread-4

I can also recommend the book sweet poison by David Gillespie.

My DH has never displayed any of the behaviours of yours, I know that would have made things worse. The first time I went out and binged an entire packet of French fancies to myself, I was 18 and the dr told me to lose half a stone.

@NeverDropYourMooncup

Swap 'bad food' for 'a bottle of whiskey'.

You're saying the equivalent of 'If he wasn't mean to me and say I shouldn't be drinking, I wouldn't drink a bottle of whiskey, so it's his fault, he's making me be an alcoholic'.

That's it, isn't it?

If you are a binge eater, why would you have bad food in the house?

I know you have to eat but can't you have good snacks in the house instead of bad?

@TheDuchessOfMN

In the kindest way possible…

If you’re 7 stone overweight, he’ll be worried about your health, the example you’re setting for your children, he’ll be less physically attracted to you, he’ll be dealing with your unhappiness and poor self-confidence because of your weight (eg avoiding social events), he’ll find it frustrating that you get so upset about it yet appear to do little about it, he’ll probably feel frustrated and unsympathetic about your excuses (even if they are valid)

Of course he’s suffering. You’re both living with this addiction.
Of course he shouldn’t take it out on you or the kids or the dog, but he’s human too OP

Well said.

I'm sorry this is happening to you, Op. I hope you'll be able to find the help you need. I think your DH is worried and frustrated and doesn't know what to do to help. Can you give him suggestions of how you'd like him to respond?

If your job is so stressful and was the start of everything, maybe you can find a solution there by moving to a less stressful position or finding something totally different?

to you.

@Billybagpuss

Hi OP thank you for starting this thread I’ve read through every post and think you have answered the negative ones brilliantly and it’s interesting to read the other side. I was the same size and had the same amount to lose as you. March 5th this year having eaten too many biscuits and still going back for more, I felt I’ll, I suffered headaches and blurry vision and could tick my way down the pre diabetes symptoms list and I guess I must have just been at the right time as I made the decision to quit sugar and I was able to do it. The sugar side effects were not as bad as how I’ll I’d been feeling before so did manage the withdrawal ok.

It takes a long time for the images of sweets and cake to stop floating around your mind coupled with salivating taste buds it still hasn’t gone completely.

There is a long running thread on here based on Dr Andrew Jenkinsons book why we eat too much that you might find interesting and the book is definitely worth a read especially if you are able to join it with psychological help as well. www.mumsnet.com/Talk/weight_loss_chat/4332041-Why-We-Eat-Too-Much-Thread-4

I can also recommend the book sweet poison by David Gillespie.

My DH has never displayed any of the behaviours of yours, I know that would have made things worse. The first time I went out and binged an entire packet of French fancies to myself, I was 18 and the dr told me to lose half a stone.

Thank you for your inspiring post.

I have shown DH this thread, and he has sat and read it all. He was quite emotional by the end of it, and I th

Oops pressed post by accident.

I think the posts about him being abusive really hit a nerve, and when I asked him for his thoughts he said he needed to stop taking it out on the girls and dog, but he "already knew that", so the fact he recognises his behaviour as damaging is a good start.

He also became upset and said he is terrified for my health and that im going to drop dead of a heart attack. He also said it's very hard for him to see me so unhappy with myself.

I think we now both realise there are two sides to this, and I think he understands a bit better that it's something I genuinely want to change. I am going to work on making sure I think about how he is feeling and not always assume that as it's my weight it affects only me.

For what it's worth, our household is not an unhappy one on the whole. My girls laugh and play everyday. As a pp said, I raised specific behaviours when asked to do so. I am sorry if I led anyone to believe things are tense and awful all the time.

I have taken so much from this thread, and I think DH has too (he has just hugged me so tightly I could barely breathe). Thank you everyone. You have helped us take the first step in talking to each other and hopefully breaking this awful cycle.

that's a great update. I'm glad you've talked this all through together. Good luck OP.

Great update

You have big changes to make, but you’re half way there already.

I used to binge eat many years ago. It sounds cheesy but it was some American psychologist or therapist that I listened to who said “My body is not a trash can”. So stop treating it as such. Stop abusing it. Every time you’re about to overdo it with the biscuits or whatever it is, say that to yourself.

I have to say that is 100% the best update I think I’ve ever seen on mn and I want to give your DH a hug too.

I actually think I get his point of view too and others on the thread have helped with that. one of the big motivators for me has been not wanting to turn into my mum who doesn’t walk, spends all her days sitting in the conservatory now has to have a recliner chair as her legs are so bad, I find myself getting cross with her as we got her a walker and she won’t use it, she makes no effort to move and now it’s just got too painful for her.. It wasn’t my original trigger to quit sugar but the odema has made her legs so misshapen it’s definitely helping me to keep active. I ate 2 handfuls of peanuts when reading the thread earlier, last year I would have eaten the tin, got lemonade to go with it then moved to the quality street, this year I went and shifted a load of compost in the garden.