DH goes silent and moody if I eat bad food

[PinkBauble]

NC for this. There is a bit of a backstory to this- I have been with DH for 16 years. When we met I was a slim size 12 (I'm 5'7). Just after we got married (together 4 years at that point), I qualified into a stressful profession and my eating habits spiralled. I began bingeing and my weight increased. Within a year I had put on 5 stone. It caused a lot of problems, and my self confidence became non-existent. DH confessed he did not find me as attractive or fancy me as much. I did ask him and put him on the spot but that was hard to hear.
For the last 11 years I have battled with my weight. I had DD1 8 years ago and when I was on maternity leave I signed up to weight watchers, joined a gym, and lost 4.5 stone. However, when I went back to work (full time) my stress levels increased, I wasn't able to go to the gym as much as I had been, and I began bingeing again. I then had a miscarriage and this really made me turn to food even more. I fell pregnant with DD2 fairly quickly after the mc, and managed to remain a fairly healthy weight. When she was born, I couldn't do what I had done on my previous maternity leave as I had DD1 too, and I really struggled with bingeing. A few times I managed to lose a few stone but I always put it back on again.
I have cried on DH's shoulder about my weight lots of times, and refused to go to parties or events as I was so self conscious, and initially he was supportive.
I have been diagnosed with Binge Eating Disorder, and my GP is trying to get me help, but there isn't anything in my area other than a talking telephone therapy service, which I've done several times for general anxiety and found useless. I'm on quite a high level of medication for anxiety.
I'm currently about 7 stone over my ideal weight (according to BMI guidelines), and still struggling to control bingeing.

Over the last few years, I've noticed DH getting grumpy, snappy and moody if I eat "bad" food in front of him. He will say he doesn't understand why I'm doing it if I want to lose weight, and gets very irritable and impatient if I ever try to explain my anxiety or bingeing to him. He thinks it is as simple as just "not doing it" ie bingeing. If I stick to a diet and go to the gym, whether it's slimming world, weight watchers, calorie counting or whatever else I've tried, he is totally different. Smiley, fun, and pleasant to be around.
Over Christmas there has been "bad" food in the house, and I've eaten it. Every time my DH has become noticeably huffy and snappy, and rather than saying anything to me, he has taken it out on the kids or the dog, snapping at them or being too hard on them, and giving me the silent treatment.

I am sick of his behaviour. I get that my weight is not ideal, I know my health is at risk, and I am trying so hard to change, but I cannot cope with this and if anything, it pushes me towards bingeing as a "release". I've even threatened to leave him, but he just doesn't say anything.
Is there anyone else in a marriage like this? I desperately want to lose weight and get fit so I can start feeling healthy, but working full time, and often at night as well, as well as doing all the life admin, finances, and looking after the kids and dog etc is so hard. DH is just making me feel worse. I dread spending time with him.
Thank you if you have read this far.

Lovely update OP, sounds like your DH is really onboard

Binge eating disorder. Rubbish. Totally. Poor you. It's not like being an alcoholic where you can simply avoid alcohol. You can't avoid food. And Christmas is a minefield. There's always 'bad' food in the house at Christmas.
Glad you and DH have had a good exchange. Upwards and onwards.
I do recommend tho that you get some good, specialised counselling. There are counsellors around who specialise in EDs and who can help you build a toolkit if strategies. I know bc we've had to go down this route with DD

@PinkBauble

I'm glad you're looking into things further.
You might not have to be on medication for long. I find it takes away that urge to binge.
You're right there's a lot to unpack with this. The therapy for foo issues. The behaviour modification to learn new ways of handling feelings other than binging, plus the medication to reduce anxiety and the urge to binge.

It does sound like you have issues with your DH too. That can have a huge impact on this too.

All the best.

he has just hugged me so tightly I could barely breathe

Oh you two. 🥰
Well that isn't someone who doesn't care and just want to make things worse. You've both been suffering alongside each other.

I really hope you can climb out of your pit and dance in the sunshine together. What a great life you'll have then with someone by your side with (not against) whom you fought to conquer this thing.

@cansu

He needs to shut up. I am sure he has some annoying and unhealthy habits. I would stop talking to him about your weight and that includes when you are trying to lose weight. You should also tell him that you will no longer be discussing it with him and that you don't need or want him to make any comments about your choices healthy or otherwise.

So by that logic when my alcoholic ex was getting drunk over Christmas rather than get annoyed about it I should have just ‘shut up’?

@crazycrochetlady

It's not like being an alcoholic where you can simply avoid alcohol.

Yes, alcoholism, that famously 'simple' to solve addiction. What a strange comment. There's nothing simple about any addiction. Your comment is so dismissive of people who have overcome alcoholism!

[quote youvegottenminuteslynn]@crazycrochetlady

It's not like being an alcoholic where you can simply avoid alcohol.

Yes, alcoholism, that famously 'simple' to solve addiction. What a strange comment. There's nothing simple about any addiction. Your comment is so dismissive of people who have overcome alcoholism! [/quote]
Not at all. I'd picked up several comments in the thread though that implied you had to just keep bad food out of the house. It's really not like that.
In the generation above me there's alcoholism in my family. It was never resolved so I know it's not easy. But the implication that food is easier is just not true.

Does he not understand that the way in which he reacts is frustrating when you are trying to get better?

If he can’t support you (ie not act like a fool) then I think it’s time to call it a day.

@crazycrochetlady

But the implication that food is easier is just not true.

Neither is your implication that alcoholics can "simply avoid alcohol". You've minimised and dismissed another addiction in response to people doing so about binge eating disorder. Two wrongs and all that.

Just read the update! Good that he’s onboard. Maybe it would help you both to read some books on binge eating/food addiction. There are plenty of resources out there for partners/families etc

My DH has a bad relationship with food. When we married he was slim and sporty but now he's XXXL and finds anything active difficult. I try to be supportive of his efforts to change but it's so hard.
Everything went together is influenced by his psychological need to eat frequently and fatigue after relatively little activity. I'm still very fit and sporty and get frustrated when yet another activity, even something like a museum visit, has to be abandoned because he can't cope or he sits and I have to carry on by myself. Then he keeps apologising on snd on and I think what's the point if he doesn't change his eating habits.
He has type 2 diabetes and is now reliant on daily injections. He has arthritis, possibly caused by but certainly made worse by his weight. We won't be able to staying our lovely old cottage for much longer because we don't know how long he will be able to cope with the stairs etc. And I really don't want him to suffer or die young but I can't stop him and that makes me scared, very sad and very helpless.
I can never buy cakes, biscuits, crisps etc, they would be gone in an instant. Before I stopped buying treats many was the time I have fancied a biscuit or something, having been shopping the day before, only to find everything had already been eaten.
He gets upset and leans on me when he is worried abouthis health or disappointed he can't do things but it's all one way. It sounds a bit like your do that.
So yes, your eating habits will be having a massive impact on him. It sounds like your husband has been supportive in the past but you have told him you don't want to talk about it. Now he tries not to.talk about it and it's "he gives me the silent treatment". What do you expect him to do? I bet he doesn't know where to turn or what to say and is terrified.

Took me so long to type that I didn't see your update. Glad you have spoken. I hope you manage to beat this. Don't be like my DH and every time give up at the first hurdle, there will be many. You can do this.

....when I asked him for his thoughts he said he needed to stop taking it out on the girls and dog, but he "already knew that", so the fact he recognises his behaviour as damaging is a good start....

Already know that, but didn't stop.

But he's going to stop and stay stopped now .... without any counselling of his own (?) (Not that counselling will help some men like this).

Most MN etters would have told you in no uncertain terms not to show this thread to him; your safe, private space to get lots of perspectives and advice.

This is not just an ED issue, your h is an issue too.
Another type of person married to a woman who was obese, prone to binge eating, struggling with diets (which is a lot of women, there is an obesity epidemic) would not be behaving abusively to their vulnerable, impressionable children (and pet), there are a lot of partners in this position (male and female), are thry all acting acting this? Even if they all were, would that make it alright?
It's his personality. I'm sorry but I think you'll be back on here again.
Best of luck.

That is an amazing update. I generally vote against showing partners threads on here about their behaviour, but in this case it seems to have been transformational, and I'm so glad for you.

It's going to be a very difficult road ahead still, but you have a real partnership along the way now. Neither of you is going to be able to be perfect, of course. It's still going to be stressful and that will still sometimes show. But I wish you both all the very best.

@Lighthouse2000

....when I asked him for his thoughts he said he needed to stop taking it out on the girls and dog, but he "already knew that", so the fact he recognises his behaviour as damaging is a good start....

Already know that, but didn't stop.

But he's going to stop and stay stopped now .... without any counselling of his own (?) (Not that counselling will help some men like this).

Most MN etters would have told you in no uncertain terms not to show this thread to him; your safe, private space to get lots of perspectives and advice.

This is not just an ED issue, your h is an issue too.
Another type of person married to a woman who was obese, prone to binge eating, struggling with diets (which is a lot of women, there is an obesity epidemic) would not be behaving abusively to their vulnerable, impressionable children (and pet), there are a lot of partners in this position (male and female), are thry all acting acting this? Even if they all were, would that make it alright?
It's his personality. I'm sorry but I think you'll be back on here again.
Best of luck.

No, that's not what I said (or what he said). We both recognise that neither of us can simply snap our fingers and instantly change our behaviour, no matter how much we may want it to be that easy.

I fully intend to get proper help instead of trying to do it on my own (again), and DH has already said he is more than willing to read literature around BED, but he has already commented that he feels a sense of relief that I can now appreciate things from his point of view. He said if he did ever try to say anything to me I would get defensive and cross, which is sadly probably accurate.

To say it's just his personality is simplifying matters. Some of your posts have been helpful, but I'm finding you very negative and your comment along the lines of "You will be back" makes me feel a bit deflated.

@saraclara

That is an amazing update. I generally vote against showing partners threads on here about their behaviour, but in this case it seems to have been transformational, and I'm so glad for you.

It's going to be a very difficult road ahead still, but you have a real partnership along the way now. Neither of you is going to be able to be perfect, of course. It's still going to be stressful and that will still sometimes show. But I wish you both all the very best.

Thank you.

I never intended to show him this thread and I was very apprehensive about doing so as I have been very open and honest with everyone on here. However, I decided that as I had found other peoples perspectives helpful, he might too. And maybe he would understand my position a bit better too.

I NC'd for this thread so I don't have to worry about him looking at other posts! I will NC again if I feel like posting on other threads.

@countrygirl99

My DH has a bad relationship with food. When we married he was slim and sporty but now he's XXXL and finds anything active difficult. I try to be supportive of his efforts to change but it's so hard. Everything went together is influenced by his psychological need to eat frequently and fatigue after relatively little activity. I'm still very fit and sporty and get frustrated when yet another activity, even something like a museum visit, has to be abandoned because he can't cope or he sits and I have to carry on by myself. Then he keeps apologising on snd on and I think what's the point if he doesn't change his eating habits. He has type 2 diabetes and is now reliant on daily injections. He has arthritis, possibly caused by but certainly made worse by his weight. We won't be able to staying our lovely old cottage for much longer because we don't know how long he will be able to cope with the stairs etc. And I really don't want him to suffer or die young but I can't stop him and that makes me scared, very sad and very helpless. I can never buy cakes, biscuits, crisps etc, they would be gone in an instant. Before I stopped buying treats many was the time I have fancied a biscuit or something, having been shopping the day before, only to find everything had already been eaten. He gets upset and leans on me when he is worried abouthis health or disappointed he can't do things but it's all one way. It sounds a bit like your do that. So yes, your eating habits will be having a massive impact on him. It sounds like your husband has been supportive in the past but you have told him you don't want to talk about it. Now he tries not to.talk about it and it's "he gives me the silent treatment". What do you expect him to do? I bet he doesn't know where to turn or what to say and is terrified.

I am really sorry to hear this. Thank you for sharing. Thankfully I am able to go on days out, go for walks etc, but it definitely impacts in other ways. I refuse to go swimming for example.

I'm finding you very negative and your comment along the lines of "You will be back" makes me feel a bit deflated

OP a long time ago someone important to me disappointed me by telling me I couldn't do something I wanted to do. Luckily I shared the feeling of deflation with a wise person who gave me some excellent advice - simply "well then, prove him wrong".

That stayed with me. And I bloody well did.

You write your own story in life. Nothing is inevitable. Back yourself to do it, and you will.

@Cavagirl

I'm finding you very negative and your comment along the lines of "You will be back" makes me feel a bit deflated

OP a long time ago someone important to me disappointed me by telling me I couldn't do something I wanted to do. Luckily I shared the feeling of deflation with a wise person who gave me some excellent advice - simply "well then, prove him wrong".

That stayed with me. And I bloody well did.

You write your own story in life. Nothing is inevitable. Back yourself to do it, and you will.

Thank you

Good luck OP I've found this thread very helpful, I'm currently having professional help but it's still very very hard and this past week I have hugely binged. I've just been secretly eating slice after slice of white bread with butter and jam.
You have to try and stop the negative self talk but it's very difficult!

Hi OP

My OH is 25 stone and I'm sitting here on the sofa next to him scrolling through Mumsnet. He started eating one of the kids Christmas chocolates and I snapped at him. I can't bare watching him do this to himself and the impact it has on me and our kids.
I know it must be horrible for you , but it's also horrible for the other person not watch.
Also I feel hard done by that the slim attractive person I met has disappeared and I have to be unattracted to my partner for the rest of my life.

The help I'm having uses BWRT PM me if you are interested. Promise I'm not selling anything!

@cheeseisthebest

The help I'm having uses BWRT PM me if you are interested. Promise I'm not selling anything!

What is BWRT?

@user1958493

Hi OP

My OH is 25 stone and I'm sitting here on the sofa next to him scrolling through Mumsnet. He started eating one of the kids Christmas chocolates and I snapped at him. I can't bare watching him do this to himself and the impact it has on me and our kids.
I know it must be horrible for you , but it's also horrible for the other person not watch.
Also I feel hard done by that the slim attractive person I met has disappeared and I have to be unattracted to my partner for the rest of my life.

I'm so sorry. I never thought about it from anyone else's point of view but my own before. This thread has been a godsend.

Would anyone be interested in a binge eaters support thread?