DH goes silent and moody if I eat bad food

[PinkBauble]

NC for this. There is a bit of a backstory to this- I have been with DH for 16 years. When we met I was a slim size 12 (I'm 5'7). Just after we got married (together 4 years at that point), I qualified into a stressful profession and my eating habits spiralled. I began bingeing and my weight increased. Within a year I had put on 5 stone. It caused a lot of problems, and my self confidence became non-existent. DH confessed he did not find me as attractive or fancy me as much. I did ask him and put him on the spot but that was hard to hear.
For the last 11 years I have battled with my weight. I had DD1 8 years ago and when I was on maternity leave I signed up to weight watchers, joined a gym, and lost 4.5 stone. However, when I went back to work (full time) my stress levels increased, I wasn't able to go to the gym as much as I had been, and I began bingeing again. I then had a miscarriage and this really made me turn to food even more. I fell pregnant with DD2 fairly quickly after the mc, and managed to remain a fairly healthy weight. When she was born, I couldn't do what I had done on my previous maternity leave as I had DD1 too, and I really struggled with bingeing. A few times I managed to lose a few stone but I always put it back on again.
I have cried on DH's shoulder about my weight lots of times, and refused to go to parties or events as I was so self conscious, and initially he was supportive.
I have been diagnosed with Binge Eating Disorder, and my GP is trying to get me help, but there isn't anything in my area other than a talking telephone therapy service, which I've done several times for general anxiety and found useless. I'm on quite a high level of medication for anxiety.
I'm currently about 7 stone over my ideal weight (according to BMI guidelines), and still struggling to control bingeing.

Over the last few years, I've noticed DH getting grumpy, snappy and moody if I eat "bad" food in front of him. He will say he doesn't understand why I'm doing it if I want to lose weight, and gets very irritable and impatient if I ever try to explain my anxiety or bingeing to him. He thinks it is as simple as just "not doing it" ie bingeing. If I stick to a diet and go to the gym, whether it's slimming world, weight watchers, calorie counting or whatever else I've tried, he is totally different. Smiley, fun, and pleasant to be around.
Over Christmas there has been "bad" food in the house, and I've eaten it. Every time my DH has become noticeably huffy and snappy, and rather than saying anything to me, he has taken it out on the kids or the dog, snapping at them or being too hard on them, and giving me the silent treatment.

I am sick of his behaviour. I get that my weight is not ideal, I know my health is at risk, and I am trying so hard to change, but I cannot cope with this and if anything, it pushes me towards bingeing as a "release". I've even threatened to leave him, but he just doesn't say anything.
Is there anyone else in a marriage like this? I desperately want to lose weight and get fit so I can start feeling healthy, but working full time, and often at night as well, as well as doing all the life admin, finances, and looking after the kids and dog etc is so hard. DH is just making me feel worse. I dread spending time with him.
Thank you if you have read this far.

@Bananarama21

My dm is the same size as you 18-20 on clothes she had her first heart attack age 52. Then had a double heart bypass and valve replacement. She has problems with diabetes and mobility due to spinal problems. It's down to you to address the problem you need to take charge of your addiction to foods. I think your dh is rightly concerned.

This is terrifying. I am scared this will happen to me. My sister has messaged me this morning to say a friend of hers through work dropped down dead this morning aged 51. Cause unknown but still, what a terrible thing to happen. She has 2 kids, just like me.

@Why2why I don't think you understand. I accept responsibility for my weight. I know it's not DH's fault. However, the way he is treating me and the DC's is not ok.

This thread has helped me see things from his point of view and be more mindful of how my issue makes him feel and the impact that this addiction has on my family.

I am going to get help. I don't want to leave DH, and suggesting that my marriage is not going to recover is deeply, deeply upsetting.

I appreciate you are trying to get help, but your dh probably feels the same way spouses of alcoholics feel when their loved ones has "just half a pint" or "one for the road".

He has supported you this long and is probably is desperate need of counselling himself

You can demonise your husband as much as you like

Wtaf.

How is she demonising him?

Unless you calling op a liar, she's just stating facts about him. Facts that are not good.

To me, this is not about just an ED, but about an ED and a dysfunctional relationship with an abusive man.

Just leave ... well he'll still have access to their daughters.

@RantyAunty

Some of these replies by people who don't have BED aren't helpful.

OP I have BED and it really isn't something you can treat on your own through books and podcasts.

First an appointment with your GP for a full physical. Ask about medication for BED. Vyvanse is one of them. Some SSRIs work for it too as well as reduce your stress levels.
Get a referral for CBT or an ED specialist. Since you are rural, it might have to be online.
Try out the OA.

They'll help you identify triggers and then do behaviour modification to forum new habits. It changes the way you think about food and helps you get unstuck from the same spiral.

It's not easy but it's worth it and yes, there will be set backs but as long as your are willing, keep showing up and keep trying, you'll get better.

A lot of times we aren't really aware of our feelings. There's a phone app called Woebot that is free which is really good for daily check in with how you are feeling.

Good luck!

Thank you.

I did have full blood work done last month and thankfully my blood sugars, thyroid, liver enzymes, cholesterol levels etc were all perfectly fine so my GP is satisfied there is no organic reason for my weight gain.

I will ask about the medication but I am already on venlafaxine for anxiety so I'm not sure if i can have both. A question for the GP!! I also want to address the root cause, not be medicated for the rest of my life, but it would certainly help in the short term I guess.

“How does my weight cause him to suffer?”

My husband was overweight when we married. That became obese, which in turn became morbidly obese, which he was for some years. I couldn’t sleep some nights, worrying about him dying and leaving us. He was unable to participate in physical activity with the children and needed to sleep far more than healthy weight people. I took the children on holidays solo for years because his mobility was poor and he couldn’t manage days on his feet.

I never stopped loving him but sex became painful and I dreaded it. Eventually, it became too much and I talked honestly too him about my fears and how his weight was negatively affecting the whole family.

He took it hard and withdrew for a while. He knew it was the truth though and sought help, first via GP, who was incredibly supportive.

Years on (we’ve been married for 33) he has lost around 40% of his body weight. He is still a big man, he’ll never be slim, but his health is significantly better, he exercises by fixed bike and treadmill every weekday and we were discussing just last night how we are both going to make this coming year the most significant yet in terms of our health and fitness.

Our life together has improved beyond measure and I no longer have sleepless nights over him.

Honestly, your weight does affect others who love you, more than you realise.

@AlbertBridge

It's not just binge-eating though, is it? At your own admission you eat "massive" portions at every meal, plus you're eating Christmas cake and handfuls of Quality Street.

And then you do secret binge-eating too.

What is it if not binge eating?

@PinkBauble

I realise I haven't expanded on DH's treatment of our DC's. As an example, if he asks them to tidy up, or finish their meal, and they do not respond instantly, he goes straight to shouting and threatening that they will go straight to bed/no sleep over at granny's/put toys in the bin etc. We actually have beautifully behaved girls. They are sweet, kind, generous and funny. They will do anything I ask them to do because I ask nicely. He demands and speaks to us all like shit when he is in a mood. And he shouts. I can't deal with the shouting. I have lost count of how many times I have told him "it's not what you say, it's the way you say it".

He is still storming around the house today in a strop. When I've asked him what is wrong he just says nothing. I mentioned plans for NYD as we have been invited to a family members house, and he has said I can go with the girls but he isn't going as he is "sick of us making all the effort". For context, we live about half an hour away from most of my family and 5-10 mins from his. We spent Boxing Day and all day Monday with his family. I haven't seen my family at all yet, and the only plans to do so are on NYD. But now he is saying he won't go. Usually at these family days there is a buffet of things like mini spring rolls, popcorn chicken, pizza, etc (anything that can be chucked in the oven basically) and I'm now wondering if it is because of this that he doesn't want to go.

Your "d" h is as much of a problem as your ED.

He likely contributes to your ED. You've said yourself the anxiety caused by his behaviour contributes to your binging.

I don't think this man is going to change.

To me, your daughters are being emotionally and verbally abused (and so are you, but you can leave or fetch him to leave if you really want to, they can't make that decision for themselves).

As I said before, who knows what being subjected to his bullying behaviour is doing to them re. relationship modelling mental health, anxiety etc.

If your dh truly is acting like this because of your ED, then maybe you need to separate until it I'd resolved

But I doubt he's truly only like this because of your ED.

@MrsSkylerWhite

“How does my weight cause him to suffer?”

My husband was overweight when we married. That became obese, which in turn became morbidly obese, which he was for some years. I couldn’t sleep some nights, worrying about him dying and leaving us. He was unable to participate in physical activity with the children and needed to sleep far more than healthy weight people. I took the children on holidays solo for years because his mobility was poor and he couldn’t manage days on his feet.

I never stopped loving him but sex became painful and I dreaded it. Eventually, it became too much and I talked honestly too him about my fears and how his weight was negatively affecting the whole family.

He took it hard and withdrew for a while. He knew it was the truth though and sought help, first via GP, who was incredibly supportive.

Years on (we’ve been married for 33) he has lost around 40% of his body weight. He is still a big man, he’ll never be slim, but his health is significantly better, he exercises by fixed bike and treadmill every weekday and we were discussing just last night how we are both going to make this coming year the most significant yet in terms of our health and fitness.

Our life together has improved beyond measure and I no longer have sleepless nights over him.

Honestly, your weight does affect others who love you, more than you realise.

Thank you. It is reassuring to read a post describing how the issue was overcome and your marriage became a healthy one.

I don't want to lose my DH.

I hate the way he is reacting to my issue, but he isn't like that 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. He also plays with the girls, does school pick ups, takes them to parties, is good fun, generally loving and very well liked by both my family and our friends, colleagues etc. He seems to have a hair trigger just now and will go from playing to shouting very quickly. But as I've said many times now, I'm starting to appreciate how much stress and anxiety I must be causing HIM.

The OP issues with her weight and the impact it’s having on her family is also not a great thing for her daughters. You too are demonising her husband to the point where you think he should not have access to his daughter if they separated.

*get him to leave

You've both been loving with your eating disorder for years. That can't be easy and everyone has their breaking point.
In your op you identify the stress of work as the main cause, obviously as life unfolds other aspects get enmeshed until it's complicated but your dh may no longer have the emotional resources to remain positive, upbeat and supportive in the face of this and actually I don't think that makes him a bad person, because it doesn't go away anyway.
I think maybe you need to look at the whole picture and see if you can create a life which gives you more opportunities and motive to do well mentally and fewer triggers to perpetuate this cycle.
Forgive me if you've mentioned this but could you change jobs or make other positive changes to help you and your family out of this predicament?

OP, you hate how he is reacting to your issues but I wonder if you consider that this reaction is because of the years and years of dealing with the issue of your weight and it’s impact your on everyone. As you said, your weight issues started many years ago and was brought on largely by stress.

Overtime this must have chipped away at everyone to the point where everybody’s patience is frayed. Sounds like all of you live in a really tense, stressful, and unhappy household.

@Why2why

The OP issues with her weight and the impact it’s having on her family is also not a great thing for her daughters. You too are demonising her husband to the point where you think he should not have access to his daughter if they separated.

She is not abusing them.

The behaviour she described is not good for children's mental health or relationship modelling. If he won't stop it, yes; he'd be better not having them where op isn't even thete to stop the bullying.

What is it if not binge eating?

Just over-eating. Disorganised, chaotic, unhealthy over-eating.

I think two issues are being really muddled up here

On one side you say you accept responsibility for your weight. But in the next breath you repeatedly tell posters how abusive your husband is. And how he wants to make you eat more. Posters are getting confused.

Seperate the issues. If you are in as bad a marriage as you say and your husband is abusive and controlling to you, your children and your dog then you need to end the marriage and get out.

On a seperate note, you have an eating disorder and consume vast quantities of food, you have had this issue for decades, you put on five stone in the year after your marriage, before children.

At the start of this thread it was because of your job. Now ypu are repeatedly posting about your abusive husband and giving examples,

Maybe you need therapy, to untangle this, because it seems your marriage is awful and ypu are being abused and your job is not something you can cope with, in addition you have had a significant issue with food and weight for decades.

It’s very complex with multiple issues being thrown in and I think you need to see a professional.

I hate the way he is reacting to my issue, but he isn't like that 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. He also plays with the girls, does school pick ups, takes them to parties, is good fun, generally loving and very well liked by both my family and our friends, colleagues etc

The snapping and shouting etc must be even more confusing & unnerving to them.

He seems to have a hair trigger just now and will go from playing to shouting very quickly.

Ditto.
Quite disturbing.

But as I've said many times now, I'm starting to appreciate how much stress and anxiety I must be causing HIM.

No excuse for him taking out his anger and frustration on your daughters (and poor fkg dog).

@Lighthouse2000 you think the OP’s behaviour is not abusive? Try speaking to people who live with anyone with an addiction. OP may not be shouting but the stress, worrying, emotional turmoil must be pretty heavy for those around the OP who lives the OP.

*loves

Now ypu are repeatedly posting about your abusive husband and giving examples

Don't be disingenuous; she responded to posters like myself wanting expansion/clarification on her husband behaviour.

[quote Why2why]@Lighthouse2000 you think the OP’s behaviour is not abusive? Try speaking to people who live with anyone with an addiction. OP may not be shouting but the stress, worrying, emotional turmoil must be pretty heavy for those around the OP who lives the OP.[/quote]
Whether ops ED is abusive towards het family members or not (sketchy argument) .... that doesnt change the fact that her husband's behaviour is abusive towards their daughters (and her).

Op, this seemed like a thread about an ED.

But (for me anyway) from your very first posts, it's become clear it's a thread about an ED and an abusive husband.

If you haven't already read it, please read Lundy Bancroft's "why does he do that ..". Its primarily about physical abuse, but is very insightful about all abuse. Esp the "myths about abuse" and "abuser profiles" sections. It's available free online.

I'm not qualified to advise on ED and some posters seem to have given good resource pointers.

Best of luck.

To be honest there is nothing less attractive than a sulky man. I get that he's frustrated. But really, does he only love you when you're slim? Because if he does then he's a twat.

@Lighthouse2000 🙄🙄🙄 you're being so unnecessarily dramatic