DH goes silent and moody if I eat bad food

[PinkBauble]

NC for this. There is a bit of a backstory to this- I have been with DH for 16 years. When we met I was a slim size 12 (I'm 5'7). Just after we got married (together 4 years at that point), I qualified into a stressful profession and my eating habits spiralled. I began bingeing and my weight increased. Within a year I had put on 5 stone. It caused a lot of problems, and my self confidence became non-existent. DH confessed he did not find me as attractive or fancy me as much. I did ask him and put him on the spot but that was hard to hear.
For the last 11 years I have battled with my weight. I had DD1 8 years ago and when I was on maternity leave I signed up to weight watchers, joined a gym, and lost 4.5 stone. However, when I went back to work (full time) my stress levels increased, I wasn't able to go to the gym as much as I had been, and I began bingeing again. I then had a miscarriage and this really made me turn to food even more. I fell pregnant with DD2 fairly quickly after the mc, and managed to remain a fairly healthy weight. When she was born, I couldn't do what I had done on my previous maternity leave as I had DD1 too, and I really struggled with bingeing. A few times I managed to lose a few stone but I always put it back on again.
I have cried on DH's shoulder about my weight lots of times, and refused to go to parties or events as I was so self conscious, and initially he was supportive.
I have been diagnosed with Binge Eating Disorder, and my GP is trying to get me help, but there isn't anything in my area other than a talking telephone therapy service, which I've done several times for general anxiety and found useless. I'm on quite a high level of medication for anxiety.
I'm currently about 7 stone over my ideal weight (according to BMI guidelines), and still struggling to control bingeing.

Over the last few years, I've noticed DH getting grumpy, snappy and moody if I eat "bad" food in front of him. He will say he doesn't understand why I'm doing it if I want to lose weight, and gets very irritable and impatient if I ever try to explain my anxiety or bingeing to him. He thinks it is as simple as just "not doing it" ie bingeing. If I stick to a diet and go to the gym, whether it's slimming world, weight watchers, calorie counting or whatever else I've tried, he is totally different. Smiley, fun, and pleasant to be around.
Over Christmas there has been "bad" food in the house, and I've eaten it. Every time my DH has become noticeably huffy and snappy, and rather than saying anything to me, he has taken it out on the kids or the dog, snapping at them or being too hard on them, and giving me the silent treatment.

I am sick of his behaviour. I get that my weight is not ideal, I know my health is at risk, and I am trying so hard to change, but I cannot cope with this and if anything, it pushes me towards bingeing as a "release". I've even threatened to leave him, but he just doesn't say anything.
Is there anyone else in a marriage like this? I desperately want to lose weight and get fit so I can start feeling healthy, but working full time, and often at night as well, as well as doing all the life admin, finances, and looking after the kids and dog etc is so hard. DH is just making me feel worse. I dread spending time with him.
Thank you if you have read this far.

@cheeseisthebest

Would anyone be interested in a binge eaters support thread?

Honestly yes I’ve been sugar free since March and Christmas has been blooming hard. I’ve done it but I’ve just polished off the crisps and peanuts and need to not buy any more.

Lake swim tomorrow will help but I need support to see me through to the summer which is infinitely easier

People lose patience with addicts OP, no matter how much they love them.
It is heartbreaking to watch someone self-destruct and to have absolutely no control over the situation.
Your DH has my sympathy, as do you.

A lot of the counselling and psychotherapy colleges do low cost counselling and it can be done online now via Zoom. Also BEAT etc hold support groups.
The addictive part of you will be wanting you to stay away from these forms of help because BED is a coping mechanism. It's very important to understand that. It's a defence mechanism which has arisen as a means of self-protection, thus it is a hard habit to break.

That's why you need to build new coping mechanisms to manage uncomfortable feelings, this is done through acceptance and learning to stay with uncertainty. Rather than needing the 'certainty' of 'oh I can't change' and 'oh I've tried all that nothing works'. Our minds want Control. But more Control is not the solution.

The function of your eating is to manage your feelings. The function of other people's eating is for nutrition or as a response to appetite.
By bingeing you create a scenario where a part of you consoles yourself then another part of you punishes yourself.
You've created another set of strict 'parents' in your head who show up when you feel helpless. That 'parent' with their Rules, tells you what to do. Nice parent gives you lovely food you deserve, then bad parent comes and belittles you. That's why you keep ending up with these battles between good you and bad you in your head.

This internal dynamic makes you feel that you have control again because you hand over to the 'inner' rules.

Abusive though these 'parents' are, they make you feel safe.
Because in the outside world sometimes it feels like an emotional rollercoaster and there are no rules. The food cycle is just a vehicle for this process.

Any of that sound familiar?

To say it's just his personality is simplifying matters. Some of your posts have been helpful, but I'm finding you very negative and your comment along the lines of "You will be back" makes me feel a bit deflated.

Not my intention, however I have found this thread incredibly frustrating & worrying and that statement was a reflection if it.

The almost complete focus on you and your ED (I think Billy was maybe the only other poster to highlight your h's abusive behaviour) while ignoring what for me is the elephant in the room ....

I wish you the best but the way I see it, you are an Independent adult who can leave a situation; your daughters are not.

I'm not quoting all the things youve said vit suffice to say there's a lot of clear cut abusive behaviour towards your daughters by your h.

If posters who argue that your behaviour is also abusive/bad (as they have done) then they're also, without meaning to, arguing that your h is doubling down on abuse.

This thread had made me feel like I've entered a parallel universe where MN now sees having a partner with an ED as apparehtly a free pass for behaving abusively towards your young kids (and pet).
It's been mind boggling.

You see your h's admission that he's knows it's not right as a positive thing, my view is he should never have crossed that line, into projecting anger & frustration towards you/in general onto your innocent daughters... abd being aware of it and it not being right, while continuing to do it, makes it worse.

He's a bully.

He takes out hos anger on the vulnerable, unable to defend themselves members of your household. (And you say you've been seeing it for a while too).

You say it's not like that all the time .. dk you think most abusive households are, do you think the women wouldn't leave if they were?

Your h's decisions, values and behaviour are being glossed over and minimised, he's not being made truly accountable. Tbh I think you have yourself an abuser, and the ED is something of a red herring. That's why i thought you'd be back.

I don't profess to have any useful information, but all the best and positivity,

Clearly neither yourself, nor many (most) of the posters on this thread apparently will agree and I'm OK with that.

Best of luck to you anyway.

(I forgot to add, you having an ED and being a frustrating etc. partner as a result, and your h being an abuser.. are not mutually exclusive. I think It's important to note that).

Did you look up 'the mental load' ? Show it to your DH.

As other poster have said, there are two strands or issues here, which have become dreadfully entangled: your eating and his abusive behaviour to the girls and the dog (and perhaps to you too). Both need tackling, but it may help to keep the strands separate in your head.

Did you mention some trauma in your past? I can't find it in this long thread. As well as tackling the eating issue as a medical or health thing, you also have to consider in-depth therapy for the root emotional cause - you won't have permanent success with the eating issue unless you go right down into the deep emotional and psychological causes.

Nothing will change until you take ownership and responsibility and realize that you have to be the one to change. It has been 11 years and you are only now seeking professional help and still blaming everything on your DH. And of course in this thread, you have lots of people saying your DH is the problem that just further absolves you of any ownership. Wishing and hoping doesn't change addiction. Saying you are desperate to change but refusing to do anything about it doesn't lead to change either. Your inability to see how your behaviour impacts your husband and your view that he doesn't have a right to any negative emotions or his own stress about this is a further sign of your complete denial. If you keep the perspective you have written in this thread, you will be no better off in 5 years and likely worse off. I hope for your sake and the sake of your family, you actually decide to act at some point. I feel for your husband. Living with an addict who calls you abusive for being stressed and upset about the addiction is a recipe for a breakdown. Your husband needs to also seek professional help to give him a third party to talk to, a safe place where he can express himself and his emotions, and a person who can legitimize and validate the challenges he has dealt with in living with a addict who hasn't yet taken action to address the addiction.

Your bingeing is a threat to your life and therefore security of the family and your children. If you catch covid, obesity puts you are very high risk of serious complications. Your husband knows that; and every time you do it he's probably catastrophising, wondering how he and the kids would cope without you. If you died or were disabled or left him.

His grumpy temper, impatience, silence, snapping at the kids and dog are s due to the stress HE is under . You're not the only one struggling with your disorder. He can't cope with it either.

He has tried in the past ( so have you). He happily supported and encouraged your efforts,. gym, weightwatchers etc. Now, like you, its all gone downhill again, he's feeling depressed , frustrated and hopeless and he's the one who cant do ANYTHING to change the problem eating. It's YOUR addiction. He's helpless, the victim of a circumstance he didn't make and can't stop.

You say you can't stand the torment. Neither can he. He's under huge stress, suffering mentally and emotionally, just like you.

  I think you really need to think about the effect of your disorder on hi,. . It's not fair to cast him as the bad guy   to blame.

If taking out stress and frustration by being irritable and short with the kids makes one an abuser - then pretty much every parent I know is an abuser.

@PinkBauble

It is far bigger, the Christmas cake etc are examples from the passed few days. I binge on chocolate. Big family bars. Lots of them. I do want to lose weight though, and for myself too. But I am stuck in this horrendous cycle of bingeing, saying never again, losing a few pounds but then being over one by the urge to binge. I don't know how to beat it/control it.

I don't mean to sound harsh, as this is obviously big issue for you. But why do you buy these items? If they aren't in the house, they can't be binged on. If they are removed from temptation you either eat something else (healthy, until the sugar / carb hold has lessened), or you don't eat them at all (because they aren't there).

@Pinkbauble

How does my weight cause him to suffer?

You should ask him.

Then sit very quiet, let him speak, LISTEN, and hear him. Don't interrupt.

@Midlifemusings

Nothing will change until you take ownership and responsibility and realize that you have to be the one to change. It has been 11 years and you are only now seeking professional help and still blaming everything on your DH. And of course in this thread, you have lots of people saying your DH is the problem that just further absolves you of any ownership. Wishing and hoping doesn't change addiction. Saying you are desperate to change but refusing to do anything about it doesn't lead to change either. Your inability to see how your behaviour impacts your husband and your view that he doesn't have a right to any negative emotions or his own stress about this is a further sign of your complete denial. If you keep the perspective you have written in this thread, you will be no better off in 5 years and likely worse off. I hope for your sake and the sake of your family, you actually decide to act at some point. I feel for your husband. Living with an addict who calls you abusive for being stressed and upset about the addiction is a recipe for a breakdown. Your husband needs to also seek professional help to give him a third party to talk to, a safe place where he can express himself and his emotions, and a person who can legitimize and validate the challenges he has dealt with in living with a addict who hasn't yet taken action to address the addiction.

Did you RTFT?

I have never refused to get help. Not once. I have tried many, many times to lose weight. About 6 years ago I sobbed during a GP's appointment and begged for help. The GP looked up the nearest big hospital who has an ED clinic and said "oh, it's for anorexics and bulimics. Have you tried exercising?". Even medical professionals don't take BED seriously. They aren't trained to do so.

I accept I have put my DH through hell, but please do not accuse me of doing it willingly or without trying to do anything to deal with this addiction. I have spent hundreds if not thousands on weight watchers, slimming world, shakes, gym memberships, personal trainers, orlistat. You name it, I've tried it. I've been so optimistic and determined, but have failed each time, feeling more and more lost and desperate each time. What I now realise is that I have been so wrapped up in my misery I have failed to notice DH's. That is not the same as simply refusing to do anything to change.

I know you lot only know what I have told you, and you don't know me I or my husband, but if he was truly a monster I would have left. I grew up witnessing emotional and physical abuse by my Dad towards my Mum. It's probably why I have such an unhealthy relationship with food. Sweets made it better and were given as rewards/treats.

My DC's are happy, funny, chilled out little girls. They are thriving in school and at home. I am a "soft" parent. I rarely say no unless there is an actual reason to, I don't shout or demand, and I think that is why it stands out so much when DH does. He was brought up in a less than ideal family situation too. His DM is an alcoholic (been sober for over 10 years). This information is probably hugely relevant to the entire thread, but I was (am) worried that anyone reading this who is local to me will be able to identify me very easily now.

@littlematchstickgirl
It's not that easy. Food is everywhere. If you have eggs, flour and sugar you could binge on microwave mug cakes. Family homes have chocolate bars in them. Christmas is a minefield - people
Give gifts of 'bad' food.

That probably increases his anxiety and sense of helplessness in all this too, OP.

He grew up with a mother who was an addict which will of course have left real scars and probably made him on high alert and panicky throughout childhood.

Then as an adult he has fallen in love and started a family with someone who has then also developed and maintained a long term addiction, likely bringing back painful memories of living with an addict.

There's probably a lot of anger about his mum tied up in this too. And panic that his children may suffer the long term consequences of parental addiction, which he's witnessed from their point of view as a child himself.

I'm glad that you've had constructive and caring conversations today, it sounds like it's helped already with at least you two communicating.

One thing worth trying to reduce the chances of this becoming an all encompassing topic that defines daily life is to agree that you will take ownership of your addiction and work on it, agree that he will now take charge of XYZ family / house tasks as you've been doing more than your share and agree to have a weekly catch up at a set time to discuss how you're getting on and how the home/kids etc tasks are going.

This gives you both the ability to note stuff down, reflect on it and think it through before discussing once a week properly, calmly and with love.

still blaming everything on your DH.

I was wrapped up but this has triggered me enough to post ... she's not. To the contrary she's excusing his behaviour.

As i said above; op having an eating disorder and that having an impact on her partner - is not mutually exclusive with her partner being abusive, which he is.

[quote crazycrochetlady]@littlematchstickgirl
It's not that easy. Food is everywhere. If you have eggs, flour and sugar you could binge on microwave mug cakes. Family homes have chocolate bars in them. Christmas is a minefield - people
Give gifts of 'bad' food. [/quote]
I understand this time of year is extremely difficult wrt food. It's not like that the other 50 weeks of the year though, is it?

Don't have the flour, etc to enable making microwave cakes. Buy vegetables, lean meat (unless veggie), fruit, etc. No cereals, bread, etc. Unless weetabix, etc - the girls could eat that for the interim.

... but if he was truly a monster I would have left. I grew up witnessing emotional and physical abuse by my Dad towards my Mum ...

There isn't a binary "monster or not" state when ppl are abusive.

Also one could argue that your background and conditioning is making you think his abusive behaviour is OK/not bad.

His background sounds extremely dysfunctional, has he ever had counselling. Is snapping, threatening dire, consequences if he doesn't get instant obedience, shouting, having a hair trigger while playing etc behaviour he thinks is not too bad.

I appreciate I don't understand fully though, from the eating side. However my husband (in process of divorcing) is similar though - slim when we met, now very overweight. He eats far too much and of the wrong things. He tries sometimes, but just keeps getting bigger.

He is a great man, but very unhealthy attitude to food. I no longer am attracted to him, which is / was a huge shame. He left me, btw but my behaviour was similar to that of your husbands. I am fully to blame for me behaviour at those times. Bad influence in the children wrt food.

@Lighthouse2000

How do you know he is abusive?

He has shouted at his kids. Are you saying any parent who has ever raised their voice at their children is an abuser?

@Lighthouse2000

still blaming everything on your DH.

I was wrapped up but this has triggered me enough to post ... she's not. To the contrary she's excusing his behaviour.

As i said above; op having an eating disorder and that having an impact on her partner - is not mutually exclusive with her partner being abusive, which he is.

Hi @Lighthouse2000 I have made it very clear to my DH that the way he is speaking to the DC and our dog has to stop. If he is feeling frustrated or angry then he needs to address that with me, not take it out on them. He has agreed and we are both committed to being open with each other, and communicating instead of becoming resentful.

It won't happen overnight, but it's a start.

He also works full time in a stressful job. Life is so busy, and that doesn't help.

How about you take some responsibility for your binge eating instead of blaming everyone else, your job and your husband? Do you have no control over your life?

Your husband sounds like he's tried to be supportive but maybe he has a problem too. Have you ever considered that maybe you're making him stressed and I'll with your constant moaning?

@Lighthouse2000

... but if he was truly a monster I would have left. I grew up witnessing emotional and physical abuse by my Dad towards my Mum ...

There isn't a binary "monster or not" state when ppl are abusive.

Also one could argue that your background and conditioning is making you think his abusive behaviour is OK/not bad.

His background sounds extremely dysfunctional, has he ever had counselling. Is snapping, threatening dire, consequences if he doesn't get instant obedience, shouting, having a hair trigger while playing etc behaviour he thinks is not too bad.

Wow, you really are blind to your double standards, aren't you???

His background is dysfunctional so he must be broken and it's his fault he's not in therapy.

Could the same not be said about OP who also admitted to a dysfunctional background and is eating herself to an early grave? Yet not a peep from you about that. You seem to think OP is nothing but a helpless victim of her condition and couldn't possibly be expected to take any accountability. It's getting ridiculous 🙄

@youvegottenminuteslynn

That probably increases his anxiety and sense of helplessness in all this too, OP.

He grew up with a mother who was an addict which will of course have left real scars and probably made him on high alert and panicky throughout childhood.

Then as an adult he has fallen in love and started a family with someone who has then also developed and maintained a long term addiction, likely bringing back painful memories of living with an addict.

There's probably a lot of anger about his mum tied up in this too. And panic that his children may suffer the long term consequences of parental addiction, which he's witnessed from their point of view as a child himself.

I'm glad that you've had constructive and caring conversations today, it sounds like it's helped already with at least you two communicating.

One thing worth trying to reduce the chances of this becoming an all encompassing topic that defines daily life is to agree that you will take ownership of your addiction and work on it, agree that he will now take charge of XYZ family / house tasks as you've been doing more than your share and agree to have a weekly catch up at a set time to discuss how you're getting on and how the home/kids etc tasks are going.

This gives you both the ability to note stuff down, reflect on it and think it through before discussing once a week properly, calmly and with love.

This is good advice, thank you. And I completely agree, his childhood will play a factor in his adult reactions to addiction. He had to pick his mum up from the floor where she lay in her own urine and vomit lots of times.

I have been so self absorbed that I have only just made the link. No wonder he had found my addiction/BED so hard to deal with.