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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How do I get out of this mess.

298 replies

KeeG8181 · 27/12/2021 14:04

Name changed.

I have been with my son's dad for 3 years. My son is 2. I am so unbelievably miserable in this relationship it is untrue but for some reason I can't get out of it.

He is financially controlling, he doesn't take all of my money anymore but I pay for absolutely everything, rent, bills, food etc etc and he contributes nothing. He is so verbally unkind to me and calls me ugly fat scruffy etc every name under the sun. He has been violent to me in the past and punched my hand yesterday.

He walks round the house constantly shouting swearing and on top note. Everything has to be his way or no way at all and he takes over everything like decorating my house the way he chooses and taking over rooms with his stuff. He's punched holes in doors etc and broken my things in temper

His family are enablers, they are coming round shortly and I have to sit and listen to them be all nicey nicey to him, they're love bombers as well which is just weird. He threatened to punch me Infront of his dad and his dad did nothing. I hate them and wish I didn't have to see them.

My relationship with my own family is extremely strained because I'm with him and I have no friends anymore.

Why can't I leave. What the fuck is wrong with me.

Thank you for listening.

OP posts:
Dearblossom · 18/01/2022 09:47

@CrumpleHornedSnowcack

I voted YABU - purely because you are TABU to your child by not leaving.
@CrumpleHornedSnowcack She did leave Wink
7catsisnotenough · 18/01/2022 09:56

@KeeG8181

You are a wonderful person, a fantastic mother and an amazing example of what strength we have inside us to protect our children 💐

I was in your shoes many years ago and understand how confused and conflicted you can get, how hard it is to break free...

Congratulations on the beginning of your new life with your beautiful DS, your love for him shines in your posts.

Remember you are not a victim you are a SURVIVOR!!!

If you have any questions, or just want to talk DM me anytime 💐

MatildaTheCat · 18/01/2022 10:01

Thinking of you and silently in awe of your courage. I sincerely hope he is remanded and stays locked up for a long while.

Instead of going home to what sounds effectively like a prison could you request a transfer?

Very best wishes to you and your lovely son.

whoopsnomore · 18/01/2022 10:09

Another one here to say well done OP, you have been brave and made the best decisions for yourself and your DS - hang on in there, it won't be easy but hopefully you feel free! Enjoy your DS, he sounds wonderful.

CaMePlaitPas · 18/01/2022 10:14

He's a mad man OP. I would seriously consider leaving the flat of you can and starting new somewhere else.

You are so brave. Well done for prioritising you and your son x

Babyg1995 · 18/01/2022 10:16

Just wanted to say your amazing op Smile

UserBot999 · 18/01/2022 10:18

Wishing you strength @KeeG8181
I know how hard it is. Trauma bonding makes you see yourself through HIS eyes instead of through your own supportive understanding eyes.
I would wait until it's safe and then get help from women's aid and the police.

If you don't involve the police early on then there's no proof that he's abusive and he will use that. Use the help that is there.

UserBot999 · 18/01/2022 10:21

@KeeG8181

I am in the refuge. He's been arrested and due to appear in court tomorrow. They have recommended he be remanded. I can go home if he is remanded. If not then sadly I'll have to fully move as they've straight up said it won't be safe So fingers crossed he's banged up
So pleased for you. xx You're brave.
Gumbomambo · 18/01/2022 10:34

Bloody hell OP!!! You absolutely amazing woman. I think you should be so damned proud of yourself, your son will be one day when he’s old enough. Keep strong, take advantage of all the help you possibly can. Your life is just restarting with your gorgeous little boy and you have proved you can do anything you want. Good luck for the future X

Somebodylikeyew · 18/01/2022 10:35

@CrumpleHornedSnowcack

I voted YABU - purely because you are TABU to your child by not leaving.
Ffs
Hertsgirl10 · 18/01/2022 10:48

You need to get away from him and his family, which you already know.

The social service won’t get involved if you protect your child by leaving. The longer you stay the more chance they will get involved, someone will report this at some point, your child is 2 but will soon innocently tell people because he will think this is just normal behaviour, which is another desperate reason to leave.

When I left my abusive ex it was hard I loved 100’s of miles away but it had to be done. Speak to women’s aid they will support you in so many ways, I don’t think realistically you can stay in your home or area, it’s shit but you and your child’s safety are the most important thing.

You can literal pick what are you would like to be put, I was put in a beautiful area near the sea, I wasn’t able to pick but I had to be put in a big place due to having more children.

Your housing benefit will be paid on your house so you won’t lose your house until you’re re housed and that means your belongings can be there stored for you.

I learnt a lot of things living in a refuge they don’t just house you for a bit and send you on your way, they support you in so many ways and you will become friends with other ladies.

It sounds like you have a lot going on with your family too? Maybe you would do better to make a clean break and start again.

Please will you consider all of this.

Women’s aid will even pay for your travel to get to where they are and arrange for you to be collected from the station you get to the area.

DebbieHarrysCheekbones · 18/01/2022 10:48

Fantastic news.
Onwards and upwards for you both now. Your son might have a violent deadbeat scumbag for a father but he has a lioness for a mother.

I don’t know you but I’m proud of you.

DutifulDaughterWifeMother · 18/01/2022 10:49

Well done Op so proud of you!!! You are so strong & I don’t think you realise how strong you are, your little boy is so lucky to have you. I think he will get remanded but I don’t think you should go back to the flat. Can you spk to the HA & get a flat somewhere else? You don’t want to be forever looking over your shoulder & you need time and space to heal from what you have gone through. From everything you have said about him & I really don’t want to alarm you but you will not be safe from him, his family unless you move elsewhere. You really can’t tell anyone & will need to be very careful what you post on social media also as you don’t want to include pictures of where you are that are easily identifiable. You have such a long journey ahead of you to be free of this man & I truly wish you and your little man all the luck in the world. You will be happier!! If you ever need to talk pls DM me.

Hertsgirl10 · 18/01/2022 10:49

Oohh I didn’t see the update!

Congratulations to you OP your life starting ❤️ Things will get so much better for you now. Take all the help and support you can and be strong.

Ilikewinter · 18/01/2022 10:51

Wow ive just read the whole thread, your so strong and you can definitely see the growth in your confidence and determination as your story goes on.
I wish you all the best for you and your son 💐

ApolloandDaphne · 18/01/2022 10:51

Well done for getting out and reporting your now ex-P to the police.

Milkyway34x · 18/01/2022 10:58

I know this sounds extreme but watch Netflix and watch my lover my killer and there is an episode with a girl called faye. It really hits you how abuse starts. You are not safe In this relationship and you deserve to be safe.

I've been emotionally abused. I allowed it for a year. It starts out subtle. I was given silent treatment. Cut off and shut down if I wanted to talk. Called a little cXXt when I stuck up for myself and said I'd been paying for everything and he'd have been stuck without the help I gave. He called me immature. Asked me if I had learning disabilities. Told me my feelings were invalid and silly if I brought them up. I was pushed away and then he'd come back. He had Me so lost and confused. Rubbed his ex right in My face. He then would be the guy saying how u was his world. He loved me. He wanted to keep me safe.
He's drone on and on about phones and social media. I knew he was trying to bully me into not using it as much as he was insecure.

He never once hit me. But I was on egg shells. Trying to keep him happy. I had a constant feeling inside that there was so much confusion and misunderstanding. I felt like I couldn't settle as his moods were allover.

It's a horrible position to find yourself in. Please get out if you can x

Figgygal · 18/01/2022 11:00

Good luck op it sounds like the police are being supportive. I wouldn't reapproach your mum for support based on her previous attitudes but hope you have another person who you can reach out to

StaplesCorner · 18/01/2022 11:04

That’s amazing news you’ve been so brave but another vote here for trying to get rehoused rather than go back there; regardless of court outcome.

MargotEmin · 18/01/2022 11:11

You're one hell of a woman OP

redastherose · 18/01/2022 11:11

Well done OP, glad to hear that you are safe and the police are taking this seriously. Might be worth seeing if the Housing Association would move you in any event, they should have a list of people who need a ground floor flat and a change of property might be best all round for you and your little boy.

Quackpot · 18/01/2022 11:16

This has brought me to tears. I'm so happy for you, congratulations on your new life without that evil bastard.

SleepingStandingUp · 18/01/2022 11:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SleepingStandingUp · 18/01/2022 11:19

Stupid me. Missed how old post is and length of thread. Sorry op, I've asked them to remove my unhelpful post

SofiaSoFar · 18/01/2022 11:29

Well done, OP!

Given your problems with your own mother, do you think you might move away from the area completely now or do you have other people there that you want to stay for and try to rebuild friendships with?

I ask that because if you're at the extreme where you'll have to have bars on your windows, you'll never be free of him.

(And why do so many people not RTFT before replying?!?!)