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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How do I get out of this mess.

298 replies

KeeG8181 · 27/12/2021 14:04

Name changed.

I have been with my son's dad for 3 years. My son is 2. I am so unbelievably miserable in this relationship it is untrue but for some reason I can't get out of it.

He is financially controlling, he doesn't take all of my money anymore but I pay for absolutely everything, rent, bills, food etc etc and he contributes nothing. He is so verbally unkind to me and calls me ugly fat scruffy etc every name under the sun. He has been violent to me in the past and punched my hand yesterday.

He walks round the house constantly shouting swearing and on top note. Everything has to be his way or no way at all and he takes over everything like decorating my house the way he chooses and taking over rooms with his stuff. He's punched holes in doors etc and broken my things in temper

His family are enablers, they are coming round shortly and I have to sit and listen to them be all nicey nicey to him, they're love bombers as well which is just weird. He threatened to punch me Infront of his dad and his dad did nothing. I hate them and wish I didn't have to see them.

My relationship with my own family is extremely strained because I'm with him and I have no friends anymore.

Why can't I leave. What the fuck is wrong with me.

Thank you for listening.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 18/01/2022 11:30

@CrumpleHornedSnowcack

I voted YABU - purely because you are TABU to your child by not leaving.
Maybe you need to change your vote now.

Did you read the updates?

misscockerspaniel · 18/01/2022 11:37

Keep strong. We are here for you. And you are shining a light for the many other women in your situation.

Fredstheteds · 18/01/2022 11:44

Fab fab fab

ScribblingPixie · 18/01/2022 11:45

I've just seen your posts, OP, and just wanted to say how impressed I am with your resolve. Honestly from your writing, you and your son have a really good life ahead of you. All good fortune to you!

CaveMum · 18/01/2022 12:08

You superstar! Well done on getting you and your son out of that awful situation. Engage with every service that you can to keep yourself and your son safe. Do not tell your mum where you are in case she gives your ex the details, in fact don't tell anyone where you are - you can't trust them at this stage.

Balonziaga · 18/01/2022 12:09

OP you are inspirational.

I hope things are going well for you - as well as they can be under the circumstances at least.

I just want to say that even if things aren't. Even if you go back to him this time, we are still here and you can keep posting.

I love how much you love your DS :)

Tallisimo · 18/01/2022 12:26

OP, you are doing so well and it is good to hear the police are being supportive. It must be very hard for you but you know you are doing what is right for you and your lovely DS!

Alfiemoon1 · 18/01/2022 13:12

Well done op

Brushteethwashface · 18/01/2022 13:39

Well done OP you’ve been so brave. Good luck to you and your son for the future. Just to add my bright beautiful lovely sister is in the midst of an abusive relationship with a little one and it’s so hard to watch. Your story gives me a bit of hope for her.

LayTheTableMabel · 18/01/2022 14:32

Well done. You are amazing. Also you never need to justify why you had your beautiful Ray of sunshine. Welcome to your year xxx

AcrossthePond55 · 18/01/2022 14:59

Oh wonderful!!! I'm so glad you're out and safe.

I don't know how things go there time-wise, but is there enough time for you to go to the flat and get anything important you had to leave behind?

Have you spoken to your family since you've left?

AcrossthePond55 · 18/01/2022 15:01

Oh, I forgot about your mum. Never mind about speaking to family then.

Philly1234 · 18/01/2022 21:58

OP your little one is young enough for you to relocate and start completely afresh. Cut ties with these toxic people around you, and I’m sorry to say this but that includes your mother.

What you’ve done by escaping, all by yourself, is incredible.

I wish you and your little boy peace and happiness xxx

Regina70 · 19/01/2022 10:25

Well done on being courageous and speaking up. Leaving an abusive relationship is hard and you have to take it step by step. It gets easier as you remove yourself from a dark cloud, you start from a place of doubt, fear, your self esteem broken, shame for the lies you said to cover up a situation and to yourself, guilt for what you put people you love through. But you can do it. First step call a Domestic violence charity, it's good to talk and realise people listen, care and sympathise. You are not alone and sadly domestic abuse is a lot more common than you would think! Start planning. Locks needs to be changed. His belonging need to be packed. You will start to smile again. Good luck, keep posting updates on your journey to a happier you.

AcrossthePond55 · 19/01/2022 16:03

@Philly1234

OP your little one is young enough for you to relocate and start completely afresh. Cut ties with these toxic people around you, and I’m sorry to say this but that includes your mother.

What you’ve done by escaping, all by yourself, is incredible.

I wish you and your little boy peace and happiness xxx

You know, this merits serious thought. If you have no positive ties to the area, maybe you would be better off starting afresh in a new location either where you have a positive tie (even a small one) or no one knows you. Even if all you did was move 25-50 miles away sometimes that can be enough of a distance to make you feel safe and avoid running into people you'd rather avoid and also give you the feeling of starting afresh as a 'new person'.

Having a child with him can 'complicate' such matters, so if possible speak to a solicitor first.

Original poster
KeeG8181 · 19/01/2022 21:20

Hi everyone. Some of you must be psychic as this morning I have gone on the housing swap list, I'm absolutely not willing to have my house Look like strangeways prison so it's time to close that chapter. I'll stay in the refuge until a swapper gets in touch.

He's been remanded thank god. Not guilty plea so there'll probably be a trial at some point but sod it I'm not arsed. Hell only shoot himself in the foot and once a restraining order is in place he can't contact me anyway so it'll all turn out okay in the end. I hope

In funnier/more disgusting news ds did his first poo on the potty today, then kindly brought me the poo to show me. Proud and sickened at the same time Grin

OP posts:
SpringIsSprung1 · 20/01/2022 00:10

You are stronger than you thought! Well done for keeping it together for you and your little boy to start a new life on your termsFlowers

AcrossthePond55 · 20/01/2022 01:28

@KeeG8181

I'm in the US, so forgive my ignorance of UK terms. I'm pretty sure that 'remanded' means he wasn't given bail so remains in custody. But does it mean that he will definitely remain in custody until the trial? If so, would it be 'safe' for you to go back to the house until then or would that mean you'd lose your refuge place?

AcrossthePond55 · 20/01/2022 01:30

Oh, and re the poo 'gift'. I remember having to go into our loo and loudly applaud more than one poo in my lifetime.

Good times, good times. Grin

rocky1914 · 20/01/2022 20:54

Excellent news, OP. Have been checking this thread daily, so happy to hear he has been remanded.

Great news about getting onto the Homeswappers list too. I really hope things move quickly for you, maybe you can get some help with this from SS or the police?

Amazing news re DS poo'ing on the potty! Well done! 😂🥰

Please keep us posted on your progress x

PinkPiranha11 · 21/01/2022 18:25

Hi @KeeG8181, glad you are doing so well, I’ve been thinking about you (worrying about you actually….) since you started this thread.
Stay strong, you’ve done the worst bit now.

We regularly do “big claps for Mr Poo” in this house, even though youngest child is joe in school 🤣🤣🤣

PinkPiranha11 · 21/01/2022 18:25

Now in school, not Joe! 🙈

Original poster
KeeG8181 · 23/01/2022 14:18

Thank you all for so many nice comments it's so lovely.

I'm still in the refuge and the Shit Chronicles with DS continue, I'm so glad we have our own bathroom 🤣🤣

The swap list is just with my HA so it's just as and when so hopefully not too long!
SS did an assessment but just said there's no question about my parenting or anything and they aren't opening a case, she just gave me her number and told me to contact her if I or DS need anything. I might phone and say DS is in dire need of a brand new BMW Wink

We went to Blackpool yesterday (not wise in January) and just staring at the beach knowing I'm finally free from criticism and just exes shit was amazing. The women at the refuge are lovely too which is nice as I literally have had no friends for 3 and a half years

OP posts:
ArabellaScott · 23/01/2022 14:34

That is so brilliant to hear, OP. A hug and a round of applause, I'm so happy for you. Flowers

AcrossthePond55 · 23/01/2022 18:05

@KeeG8181

Thank you all for so many nice comments it's so lovely.

I'm still in the refuge and the Shit Chronicles with DS continue, I'm so glad we have our own bathroom 🤣🤣

The swap list is just with my HA so it's just as and when so hopefully not too long!
SS did an assessment but just said there's no question about my parenting or anything and they aren't opening a case, she just gave me her number and told me to contact her if I or DS need anything. I might phone and say DS is in dire need of a brand new BMW Wink

We went to Blackpool yesterday (not wise in January) and just staring at the beach knowing I'm finally free from criticism and just exes shit was amazing. The women at the refuge are lovely too which is nice as I literally have had no friends for 3 and a half years

just staring at the beach knowing I'm finally free from criticism and just exes shit was amazing.

Savour those moments! 40 years later and even though I remarried and have had a great life with my now DH, I can still 'taste' the feeling of freedom from those first few days after I kicked my exH out. And it still makes me smile and appreciate how strong I really was. I didn't realize it at the time, but I was pretty amazing! 😉 And so are you!!!!

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