Why do men always suggest going for walks as a first date?

[Marble2021]

This has happened to me a lot. Guys always want to go for a walk as the first date. I completely understand this during lockdown when nowhere is open, but even when we weren't in lockdown and all bars and restaurants were open, they still wanted to go on a walk as a first date. When I suggest meeting at a bar instead, they don't seem to want to. By the way, they are definitely suggesting a date, not just a friendly meet up. Anyone got any ideas as to why they always suggest going to a walk around the streets as a first date?

@CheeseMmmm i think we are on the same page! It's really difficult and disappointing. I truly think that women are better people on average than men, at least with regard to romantic relationships. We have been raised to be pro social

I take my
Dog on a walking date ... well I did before when I was online dating ... I liked it , no pressure ... walk round the lake stop and get a coffee if the chats flowing etc ... no pressure

'So that's the message here! Someone like me doesn't like having standards and making demands - but this is all necessary to command respect and to attract those who will give it/discourage those who won't'

I still need to check out this strategy you mention.

The things seen so far I think sound like proxies for sussing out shit men, rather than addressing the root.

IE they are trying to give similar results to women who for whatever reason know more firmly what they do/don't want, are better at spotting minor clues, less interested in giving 'chances' or heeding societal excuses for rubbish male behaviour.
More quick to think nope.

The proxies sound a little odd to me though glad for women they have worked for!

And the underlying personality etc is the same. Like a checklist to follow rather than addressing things in woman so they become automatic iyswim.

No woman can avoid awful men full stop. Being a certain way can help a little at the start, noticing little things and judging, deciding simple no.
But so many blokes change later esp kids.
Abusers often can be lovely until... Well known factor.
Men you know well and trust can and do suddenly do something appalling. From minor to extreme and no way to see it coming.

Women working so hard to analyse themselves, try to learn methods, talk, work to go against their nature.
To attempt to avoid men who will damage them in some way.

It's really tbh upsetting for me. Because it's all because of what men can be like, and so many are, from subtle to overt, when it comes to women, sex, relationships.

We've never been able, as a group, to really deeply fundamentally change societal views, general male behaviour. Some slight often surface changes take massive amounts of pushing.

And on this topic as on so many others.
General accepted approach.
That's just what men are like. Not going to change.
Up to women individually to do xyz ABC etc to minimise bad things happening to them done by man.
If she fails, well she did something wrong.

Terrible, but second nature view by pretty much everyone.

'So that's the message here! Someone like me doesn't like having standards and making demands - but this is all necessary to command respect and to attract those who will give it/discourage those who won't'

For sure.

And there's a difference between being relaxed/ not demanding/ go with the flow etc and being totally passive iyswim.

I still need to check out this strategy you mention.

The things seen so far I think sound like proxies for sussing out shit men, rather than addressing the root. IE they are trying to give similar results to women who for whatever reason know what they do/don't want, are better at spotting, less interested in giving 'chances', and if think hmm not keen on something noticed, are just nope.

BIG NOTE-

• NO ONE CAN KNOW FOR SURE IF ANY MAN IS OK OR NOT. Some are better at holding their line, not thinking didn't like that but maybe nervous will see again give chance etc. Some women are more definite in noticing judging acting on it.

• Usually THIS IS FOR WHATEVER REASON JUST WHO THEY ARE. It is not that they are more this or better at that than others. It's generally not even a conscious thing. Not a decision on approach, thought through method, conscious action. It's just how they are. And they also get it wrong and get shit because that's how it is. But are just a little bit better at noticing early if a man says/reacts/behaves/etc in ways that may be minor and many others see as inconsequential due to societal excuses for men.

@MaebeaorNot

‘I can’t think of anything more uncomfortable than getting dressed up and going out and being treated to a meal by someone you haven’t met before. Seems so old fashioned and unbalanced. ‘

I can - wonen being vetted by men they barely know based on appearance ( which will undoubtedly almost always included mens preconceived ideas of how we ‘should ‘ look even in walking gear lol , thanks to all their porn and Instagram addictions ) We are expected to look gorgeous and they can’t even be bothered paying for a coffee .
Sounds so modern and mysogynistic really

There isn't the same pressure as face to face in a bar

[quote Tealtalk]@MaebeaorNot

‘I can’t think of anything more uncomfortable than getting dressed up and going out and being treated to a meal by someone you haven’t met before. Seems so old fashioned and unbalanced. ‘

I can - wonen being vetted by men they barely know based on appearance ( which will undoubtedly almost always included mens preconceived ideas of how we ‘should ‘ look even in walking gear lol , thanks to all their porn and Instagram addictions ) We are expected to look gorgeous and they can’t even be bothered paying for a coffee .
Sounds so modern and mysogynistic really[/quote]
I just really can't relate to this view of men/women full stop.

When I was young there were goths, metalers, indie kids, ravers, casuals, a few punks, etc etc so many different things.

And different types/ groups still are everywhere.

This men are like this women are like that. Vetting. A certain type of appearance, a certain exhibition of wealth. As if that's it full stop.

What ages is this related to?
It's a fairly specific lifestyle, way of thinking surely?

How is it, in the end, that there are so many couples who are perfectly happy with partners who just . Neither of them are like that?

This is social media driven because there are all sorts of coaches who call sell you dating courses based on their self declared expertise. These self-declared geniuses tend not to be married 😂
It's like those posts that pop up occasionally about how to land a rich successful man and when the responses are things like attend an elite university, have an amazing job yourself and meet him there they get annoyed. They'd prefer to be told- do your nails like this, this hairstyle is a killer, always wear high heels and a red dress. It's toxic femininity. It's bullshit and high value (i.e. decent, emotionally intelligent, mature men who value women for who they are) can spot it a mile off and will run for the hills. The ones you'll attract are the ones who buy into it all.i.e. toxic twats.

I think from the comments I'm reading, many people are missing the point or haven't fully read the OP comments.

While on the walk she's asked the dates 'shall we stop off here for a coffee?' And they've said no.
Or she's asked about going to the ice cream van while on the walk and they've said 'no', abs that they just want to walk.

I find that a little odd.

You're right that ia odd. That definitely isn't the norm. I would be rethinking my profile as this is not normal at all. I have never heard of it and the idea that it's happening a lot to you means that your profile might be sending out some unusual signals

I find that a little odd.

I find it odd that anyone would go on a walk if they didn't want too.

"How about a walk?"
"No thanks, I'd rather a cafe or bar"

Problem solved.

Because they are cheap and want to see if you are also happy to be dragged around the park like a dog and still shag them

You don't like men, do you?

Jesus what a weird way to think!

OP, if you don't want to go for a walk, just say so.

@Pinkbonbon

I don't think men realise how much money women can spend dating.

I mean I'm not a hair and nails and makeup kinda girl but I've defo spent 100 quid on a date outfit in the past. Not for every date of course but maybe for particular ppl I feel really excited about. It's silly of course but just an example that women can spend more than the date cost before the date even happens. Not to mention the effort put in to look our best.

Not to say he couldn't have invested in a back sack and crack too of course. But I disagree with anyone that says dating is always more costly for men. Even the ones who put their hand in their pockets.

You can wear an outfit more than once!

@MaryAndHerNet

I find that a little odd.

I find it odd that anyone would go on a walk if they didn't want too.

"How about a walk?"
"No thanks, I'd rather a cafe or bar"

Problem solved.

You've taken one line from what I've said which is completely out of context. OP has said during the walk she has suggested a coffee or ice cream and they've said no. That's what I found odd. You've cherry picked one sentence.

OP has said during the walk...

Cherry picked half a sentence this time.

Some of the responses on this thread really scare the hell out of me.
This "FDS"that's been mentioned above I'd not a clue what it was until I've gone and had a look.
Whatever happened to boy/ girl meets girl / boy or whichever combo and they just go out to see if they like each other.
Having a " game" really isn't a good way to go about dating and if that's the case now I'm probably someone who's not going to fit well into this " low/high worth" matrix.

Years ago friends told me to look at the male version and I saw through it for what it was as another poster has said above, someone giving advise who hasn't got it themselves.

Having possibly experienced some of this when a tinder match began firing some extremely personal questions at me to the point it was getting uncomfortable ( and yes more fool me for actually continuing to answer as I didn't want to offend HER ).
This was also before we had even met and culminated in her becoming angry as she assumed I was lieing from some of my answers and wouldn't take it that I was being honest.
If this is how dating is ending up I guess I'll be staying single

@Notwithittoday

Haven’t read the whole thread but can see some women here with the right idea, some very wrong and everything in between. I’ve been a dating coach ( mostly American people) and I wouldn’t allow walking dates. Basically OLD and dating in general is VERY competitive and initially looks based. Women have to be quite smart to stand out from others and get decent dates. Men like a challenge, they like to think they’re potentially dating someone special, in demand etc. You make sure your profile pics are good = well put together, properly groomed. If the guy likes what he sees he will want to please with whatever he offers as the date activity, he won’t want to risk losing the date with a dream girl by offering something boring like a walk. If he thinks you’re just ‘ok’ and he’s casting his net, he’ll put no effort in the date activity suggestion so you will get ‘walk’ suggestions or ‘I’m out tonight with mates, we could meet up?’ ( this is a no no). You don’t really won’t to date guys that think you’re just ‘ok’ even based on your profile. You can turn it around and say ‘I’d rather go out’ and if he’s quick to offer something better than you can give him a chance. If he drags his feet, in the bin with him. Obviously if you have outdoorsy pics on your profile, you will get more walking suggestions so I wouldn’t have those types of pics. If you are the outdoorsy type you can mention it in your profile but initially you need to focus on getting dates with men who really, really like the look of your profile and weeding out the lukewarm men.

The profile is just the intro, foot in the door, no one really knows whether the spark, attraction is real until you meet. You'll know instantly when you do meet. So for anyone, no extension or an offer of other meetups indicates the person wasn't interested. It's no big deal, successful dating is about exposure to new people and experiences.

Although I remember dating, oddities like a name I felt uncomfortable with, or even the tone of voice used to put me off or even how someone greeted me. These things are conscious and unconscious.

[quote gelatodipistacchio]@CheeseMmmm I'm basically just spouting FDS philosophy (which I largely agree with). It's based on a few tenets:

• we live in a patriarchy

• many men will use and mistreat women if given the chance (due to having internalised societal messages about women's and men's place in the world). This takes many forms, but popular ones include abusers, cocklodgers, gross old men looking to exploit younger women, and charming narcissists

• women need to learn to spot the signs that a man is like this (low value men)

• women also need to hold themselves in high regard and protect their time. This means not going out with a man in person until you have hopefully had a video chat, and then to expect some investment of time/effort from the man. This teaches him from the start that you have boundaries and standards.[/quote]

Holding myself in high regard means being true to myself, when it comes down to it, and not contorting myself into artificial behaviours for the sake of playing the dating "game".

I don't allow myself to be used or mistreated by men because at the first sign of the actual mistreatment I find it easy to drop them. But I don't overthink behaviour that is not mistreatment (like asking for a walking date) as a potential future sign of mistreatment.

Similarly I don't require men to splash cash on me because I personally find that grim and uncomfortable. Whereas I am a big fan of walking in both the countryside and the city, so I can enjoy walking dates for what they are. If a walk doesn't appeal to you, you're free to decline - but this blanket assumption that it must be a low-effort, cheapskate approach only shows those people up to be fairly narrow-minded and mean of thought.

I also never went into any dates overly concerned with "does he like me? will he like me if I do this? or look like that?" I was happy being single, I was happy with my personality and my looks, and insofar as I went on dates the only question was whether the men could enhance my life. The only assessment that mattered was my assessment of him. No game-playing required. I guess for people desperately looking for a husband, it might be different.

@gannett that's exactly how I feel and was just trying to articulate, although you've done it much better than me.

I'm not going to accidentally end up in a relationship with a cock lodger, just because I've allowed him to take me on a walk for a first date.

I don't need to 'teach' a man that I have standards, I'll demonstrate that to him. I expect him to turn up when he's said he will, to be polite and kind, not to talk about ex's, not to love bomb me, not to talk about sex in a vulgar way, to respect my wishes and be courteous, etc etc.

Any sign of a red flag in those regards and I'll ditch him. And in the dating I've done you're equally as likely to get someone displaying those behaviours in an expensive bar as you are on a walk round a park. Money spent and location are not an indicator of character.

I also wouldn't ever wear lipstick or do my hair for a walking date. I don't care about trying to make myself look nicer for a date. I am what I am, although as the pp said if I was looking for a husband and particularly a rich one I might be going about it differently. I'm looking for an equal partner.

Haven't read all the comments so this may have already been suggested. I think some men suggest this because it's free and they can suss out your vibe in person. The walk will determine whether they think they click with you and if you're worth spending money on. If all goes well during the walk then the next date will be a proper one where the guy is spending money. If the walk doesn't go well then no money lost🤷‍♀️

I have friends who do things like this, bit of a cheapskate cop out but what can you do

@Jennifer2r

I also wouldn't ever wear lipstick or do my hair for a walking date. I don't care about trying to make myself look nicer for a date. I am what I am, although as the pp said if I was looking for a husband and particularly a rich one I might be going about it differently. I'm looking for an equal partner.

That’s fine and I defiantly agree you should t if you don’t want to but just be aware that most men do me assess women on those things whether we like it or not and although they will claim otherwise they almost always prefer the ones who do do their hair and makeup Just listen to any guy who points out a girl he thinks is attractive and claims he likes the ‘natural look ‘ she is invariably wearing makeup that’s simply done in neutral or natural shades - doesn’t mean a load of effort, time and money didn’t go into it , men are just clueless and most expect women to look like what they consume online

I'm sorry Tea-talk, I don't agree, people, men, and women have preferences, whether that's innate or social is the question, I think it's a mix of both.

I internally chuckle when women claim men are 'Clueless- or use the word intimidating'.
Bit of a snore-fest.

That’s fine and I defiantly agree you should t if you don’t want to but just be aware that most men do me assess women on those things whether we like it or not and although they will claim otherwise they almost always prefer the ones who do do their hair and makeup

I'm sure that's true of some men, but it hasn't really been my experience. I also don't see it as a problem if some or even most men prefer the made-up look - I don't want a man who wants me to look perfectly coiffed at all times, so if they weed themselves out that's fine by me!

I actually just happily assume that if a man is attracted to me, he'll be as attracted to me in walking boots and a sensible coat with messy hair as to me in a slinky dress making a vague attempt at elegance. If you end up dating them they'll see you in PJs with bed hair all the time anyway. And any man I've been attracted to, the attraction has been there whether they're in a suit or dishevelled tracksuit bottoms or whatever.

Money spent and location are not an indicator of character.

So so so true. Some of the men I've known who think nothing of spending money on a first date have also treated their girlfriends like total shit.

IMO a man splashing cash on someone he doesn't even know indicates that he thinks women are homogeneous objects who can be bought, and also that he's kind of an idiot when it comes to his spending habits.

When DP and I spend money on each other the reason we feel treated isn't because of the amount of money but because of the thought that's gone into it - which comes from actually knowing each other properly.

@Hrpuffnstuff1

I'm sorry Tea-talk, I don't agree, people, men, and women have preferences, whether that's innate or social is the question, I think it's a mix of both.

I internally chuckle when women claim men are 'Clueless- or use the word intimidating'.
Bit of a snore-fest.

What is it that you disagree with exactly That men don’t say they love no makeup on women whilst giving women in natural looking makeup as examples? Have you experienced men telling you this . I know it’s a common thing women complain about and I personally have experienced it many times