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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Urgent advice regarding sexual boundaries

177 replies

loveyoutothemoon · 21/12/2021 16:10

My boyfriend a few months ago, during sex, said that he could put it wherever he likes, angling at anal sex. He'd repeated this a few times at each session over a period of weeks. I didn't say anything at the time but decided to say something later. I told him that I knew what he was angling at and that I felt very uncomfortable, that I didn't want to do that, also that my ex did things repeatedly to me without my consent (even after me telling him no on seperate occasions). He would touch me and go down on me during the night whilst asleep. Whilst telling my current boyfriend this I was slightly upset and and he said he was so very sorry, and that he woudn't do it again.

Anyway, we were having sex the other night and he said something along the lines of, I can put it anywhere and I don't need to ask for permission...or something like that. I think he realised what he said as he then back tracked, like he forgot.

Am I being too quick to finish with him?

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 21/12/2021 16:11

You couldn't be too quick to dump this abusive man.

Deedee121 · 21/12/2021 16:12

Get rid asap

Christmascakecakecheese · 21/12/2021 16:12

No! He absolutely can't 'put it anywhere' without your consent and I wouldn't be letting him anywhere near me after those sorts of comments.

ProudThrilledHappy · 21/12/2021 16:13

Nope. Get rid

alwaysmovingforwards · 21/12/2021 16:13

No, you’re not being too quick to finish with him.
If you’re not giving consent and you’re bf is telling you he disagrees, he’s letting he know he’s a rapist imo.

MacNTosh · 21/12/2021 16:13

No, you’d be absolutely right to dump him.

Aquamarine1029 · 21/12/2021 16:14

It's a shame you even have to ask. You should have dumped him ages ago.

Allsortsofroses · 21/12/2021 16:15

No he can't.

He can only put it where you like, end of story.

The fact he's saying the above makes him sound scary/sinister/a potential rapist.

And someone who has no respect for others wishes, rughts, bodily autonomy etc.

I think you should run.

Treacletoots · 21/12/2021 16:15

I think he sounds like he should be on the sex offenders register.

Original poster
loveyoutothemoon · 21/12/2021 16:17

It's like he realised what he'd said and then went.....come on your tits, inside you etc, (he never comes into my vagina, because he doesn't want a pregnancy, even being on the pill). That's what I saw as the back tracking.

OP posts:
Allsortsofroses · 21/12/2021 16:17

Oh and just for the sake of argument, does he believe the same for you if you'd like to shove large dildo anywhere you like in him??

Does his sexual partner get to do what they like, specifically penetrating his body and it wouldn't matter what his wishes are?.

Shedmistress · 21/12/2021 16:18

Not quick enough.

Don't let yourself down here, get rid ASAP.

EarthSight · 21/12/2021 16:18

No. Thank God that you have.

It sounds like he's getting aroused by saying this to himself. If it wasn't so sinister, it would almost be comic. He clearly enjoys thinking he's a big man with all the power over you in bed to do what he wants. To psychoanalyse him, I would say that he does feel like he needs permission to do xyz around women and might feel resentful about that, so it's extra thrilling for him to verbally degrade you like this in bed no matter how you feel about it.

If you have very clearly laid out what you don't like (which I think you have) and your sexual partner still does it after that, AND after being told what you went through in past relationships, then he is knowingly sexually abusing you.....and seems to be getting off on that by the sounds of it because not needing 'permission' is quite a thing for him.

Do you think this something a caring, loving, respectful partner would do?

Original poster
loveyoutothemoon · 21/12/2021 16:18

So, this is more than just a fantasy talking?

OP posts:
madisonbridges · 21/12/2021 16:19

It obviously arouses him to say that. With your past history I think you would find this very challenging to deal with on a regular basis. He would probably never act on it but I don't think, understandably, you have enough trust to believe he wouldn't. I would seriously think of ending the relationship.

Shedmistress · 21/12/2021 16:20

You can get rid of any partner you want for any reason you want.

Original poster
loveyoutothemoon · 21/12/2021 16:20

I don't mean that he's ignored me and then gone on to do it. He hasn't actually done it. It's the fact that he's ignored my boundaries and wishes isn't it?

OP posts:
Allsortsofroses · 21/12/2021 16:21

he never comes into my vagina, because he doesn't want a pregnancy, even being on the pill)

That's probably another reason he's focusing on anal sex.

He's too scared/paranoid about pregnancy so abal is the onlybway he can ejaculate inside a woman (other than oral sex I suppose but that's not quite the same as vaginally or anal sex).
Unfortunately for him, his preference for anal sex is nobody's problem but his.

Original poster
loveyoutothemoon · 21/12/2021 16:21

@madisonbridges yes. I don't trust him. When in the middle of it all I was wondering if he was going to do it.

OP posts:
SomepeopleareTERFSgetoverit · 21/12/2021 16:21

Does it matter why he is saying it? It makes you uncomfortable and you have asked him not to do it.

A decent man doesn’t do or say things in bed that make his partner uncomfortable.

GregTheEgg · 21/12/2021 16:21

He’s seen you cry when explaining why this is not ok. If it’s a fantasy for him it still doesn’t make it ok for him to keep saying it when it makes his GF so uncomfortable.

DowntonCrabby · 21/12/2021 16:22

Nope you’re being absolutely correct in finishing with him.
You deserve better and you know that, he needs to get the fucking message too. Flowers

HirplesWithHaggis · 21/12/2021 16:22

Even if it is just fantasy talk to get himself off, htf are you supposed to relax and enjoy it if you're constantly worried about what he's going to do with his penis? Not much of a fantasy turn on for you, is it?

KatherineJaneway · 21/12/2021 16:22

@HollowTalk

You couldn't be too quick to dump this abusive man.
Exactly
Christmascakecakecheese · 21/12/2021 16:23

@loveyoutothemoon

So, this is more than just a fantasy talking?
It's not about what he wants to do, it's the way he says it. Like if he said he would like to have anal sex sometime that's him saying what he would like, the way he phrased it as that he can do whatever he likes without asking and that attitude is very much not OK. Particularly as you've already said how you feel about it.