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Original poster

Urgent advice regarding sexual boundaries

177 replies

loveyoutothemoon · 21/12/2021 16:10

My boyfriend a few months ago, during sex, said that he could put it wherever he likes, angling at anal sex. He'd repeated this a few times at each session over a period of weeks. I didn't say anything at the time but decided to say something later. I told him that I knew what he was angling at and that I felt very uncomfortable, that I didn't want to do that, also that my ex did things repeatedly to me without my consent (even after me telling him no on seperate occasions). He would touch me and go down on me during the night whilst asleep. Whilst telling my current boyfriend this I was slightly upset and and he said he was so very sorry, and that he woudn't do it again.

Anyway, we were having sex the other night and he said something along the lines of, I can put it anywhere and I don't need to ask for permission...or something like that. I think he realised what he said as he then back tracked, like he forgot.

Am I being too quick to finish with him?

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 21/12/2021 18:57

Exactly as pp said, he did it again after bring told it was not OK and even if it were somehow an accident, he did not immediately appologise and now he is trying to gaslight you into believing he didn't know his actions were not OK.

Saying OK to some light bondage once is not the same as saying OK to everything else.

You explicitly told him no to the sort of talk he was using. He repeated it anyway. Sod.him.

Just block the number op. Change your locks too if there is any chance he could have a key.

inheritancetrack · 21/12/2021 19:16

You have done the right thing. Your bar was set low before, you have raised that bar considerably and told him to do one. Well done.

Ourlady · 21/12/2021 19:24

Oh well done OP. You should be very proud of yourself.

Original poster
loveyoutothemoon · 21/12/2021 19:28

Thank you all so much, I've read all replies and they really help.

Yes I did give him a chance afterwards, he was really apologetic after the first time, and I trusted that he wouldn't say it again. So he definitely doesn't deserve another chance.

I just can't believe the force he used (when I said earlier he treated me like a doll) to turn me over onto my front. He grabbed one arm and leg and threw me over onto my front, it didn't hurt but it felt really abusive, I can't explain it. He also kneed me in the ribs by accident (but carelessly) and didn't apologise.

Before this happened at the weekend, I said something really nice -about him being special to me. Because he didn't say much nice back to me, I jokingly said, you're supposed to say I'm special too, to which he replied 'it's not a script!

I know what I've done is the right thing, and I do it it for my own self respect which I'm proud of, but I think it's going to hit me later or in the morning, I had strong feelings for him. I was long term single and happy, and I'm glad that I am single again but it's put me off men again for sure.

OP posts:
Original poster
loveyoutothemoon · 21/12/2021 19:30

He doesn't live nearby and hasn't got a key thankfully.

OP posts:
saleorbouy · 21/12/2021 19:53

He sounds like an insensitive idiot. Show him the door and find someone who is respectful and makes you feel at ease during sex.
It doesn't sound to me like this is a good foundation for a LTR to be built on.

ChargingBuck · 21/12/2021 19:57

@loveyoutothemoon

He's now saying that he politely disagrees that we have nothing to talk about. He's horrified, I don't want to upset you, and if I have done that I apologise, but would like a few minutes of your time!
"Dear Ex. You seem to be under the misapprehension that this is a negotiation. It isn't. We're done. I don't need to justify my decision to you. Stop contacting me."

And ... BLOCK.

RantyAunty · 21/12/2021 20:15

Well done on getting rid.

The more you post about him, the more crap in bed he sounds.
Kneeing you in the ribs accidently, throwing you around.
I can't think any of it would be the slightest bit enjoyable.

I can picture him with his stupid porn moves and talk awkwardly fumbling around and then a sweaty jackhammering while you stare at the ceiling thinking hurry up and get the fuck off of me.

Pinkbonbon · 21/12/2021 20:20

Lol rantyaunty xD yeah, we've all met a jackhammerer.

So many men out there who don't care a jot about the womans pleasure (or even their comfort) unfortunately. But some are worse than others.

This cheeky git treating it like being dumped for being a total asshole is a negotiation. What.a.wanker.

Inthesameboatatmo · 21/12/2021 20:35

@loveyoutothemoon

He's now saying that he politely disagrees that we have nothing to talk about. He's horrified, I don't want to upset you, and if I have done that I apologise, but would like a few minutes of your time!
He's trying to cover his tracks incase you mention anything to anyone in real life. He knows full well what he's done and how bad it is . Block delete and move on hun .
TheVolturi · 21/12/2021 20:45

I've read the full thread and he really does sound like a wrong un. You are well rid!

MrsTerryPratchett · 21/12/2021 20:54

He's now saying that he politely disagrees that we have nothing to talk about. He's horrified, I don't want to upset you, and if I have done that I apologise, but would like a few minutes of your time!

Getting together takes two people's consent. Breaking up only one.

Sooner he (and many others) learn this, the better.

Shedmistress · 21/12/2021 21:14

@loveyoutothemoon

He's now saying that he politely disagrees that we have nothing to talk about. He's horrified, I don't want to upset you, and if I have done that I apologise, but would like a few minutes of your time!
So?

He wasn't polite when he was threatening anal rape love. Do not fall for this bullshit.

Original poster
loveyoutothemoon · 21/12/2021 21:27

I know you say I should block but I feel bad doing that at the moment.

He's rung me twice (unanswered) and left me 3 more messages (not read), but I've been able to get the gyst of them.

He can't understand what's happened today as I was talking about xmas with him yesterday. I'm going to say that the realisation happened and I was blocking things out. That's it's non-negotiable.

OP posts:
ProudThrilledHappy · 21/12/2021 21:31

@loveyoutothemoon you said you didn’t want to talk further and he is continuing to call and text because his need to discuss is more important to him than your need to be left alone

Blocking makes it clear to him that he no longer gets to push your boundaries

ftw163532 · 21/12/2021 21:32

Why say anything?

This is not a negotiation. It's not your job to try and train him not to be coercive and manipulative.

You made your decision. Blocking him isn't about how he feels, it's about your boundaries and protecting yourself from being sucked in again.

After all, this started with him trampling your boundaries - and now he's doing more of the same. All he's done is prove he doesn't respect you.

Holothane · 21/12/2021 21:34

Get rid and get rid now, if you haven’t already. This will never improve it’s his thing he’ll keep going on about to try and wear you down.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 21/12/2021 21:45

He sounds worse and worse.

Please, please block him and keep him blocked.

HarrisonStickle · 21/12/2021 21:53

OP you really need to block him.

He's just trying to reel you back in with the messages and calls. And you're dancing to his tune by responding!

WallaceinAnderland · 21/12/2021 22:01

You do need to block him. He is ignoring your wishes again. Just block and be done with him.

Cimone · 21/12/2021 22:03

Allow me as an elder to tell you something most young girls don't realize until it is too late. When a man tells you ANYTHING about taking your body for granted, violating your boundaries, ignoring your NO!, threatening to do whatever he wants to your body or to you no matter what you have said to the contrary, there is no discussion or negotiation to be done.

Once he utters those words you get up, you get your things, you leave, and you block him forever. You do not ever be alone with such a man again. You do not give him the benefits of time with you. You do not share your body with him. You do not allow him to have your ear in conversation or to hear about his feelings on anything for any reason.

You immediately cut ties with someone who is so misogynistic, so controlling, so abusive, so thoughtless, and so disrespectful that he would not only THINK such thoughts but utter them aloud.

This guy is a Class 1 jerk. Dump him unceremoniously and without apology. He is an idiot.

2bazookas · 21/12/2021 22:08

N0. Actually, you're a bit late. Should have ended it the first time he said he doesn't need permission.

2bazookas · 21/12/2021 22:16

He can't understand what's happened today

Oh, easy peasy, Mister. She's put her boundary where she wanted and didn't need to ask your permission.

Original poster
loveyoutothemoon · 21/12/2021 22:38

Blocked!
After one more short, sharp message.

OP posts:
FionaMacCool · 21/12/2021 22:38

@Cimone

Allow me as an elder to tell you something most young girls don't realize until it is too late. When a man tells you ANYTHING about taking your body for granted, violating your boundaries, ignoring your NO!, threatening to do whatever he wants to your body or to you no matter what you have said to the contrary, there is no discussion or negotiation to be done.

Once he utters those words you get up, you get your things, you leave, and you block him forever. You do not ever be alone with such a man again. You do not give him the benefits of time with you. You do not share your body with him. You do not allow him to have your ear in conversation or to hear about his feelings on anything for any reason.

You immediately cut ties with someone who is so misogynistic, so controlling, so abusive, so thoughtless, and so disrespectful that he would not only THINK such thoughts but utter them aloud.

This guy is a Class 1 jerk. Dump him unceremoniously and without apology. He is an idiot.

^Applause... this is so true. Learn boundaries early. Enforce them. Only allow respectful men through them, with your permission, and with the awareness that you can push them back out again.