Urgent advice regarding sexual boundaries

[loveyoutothemoon]

My boyfriend a few months ago, during sex, said that he could put it wherever he likes, angling at anal sex. He'd repeated this a few times at each session over a period of weeks. I didn't say anything at the time but decided to say something later. I told him that I knew what he was angling at and that I felt very uncomfortable, that I didn't want to do that, also that my ex did things repeatedly to me without my consent (even after me telling him no on seperate occasions). He would touch me and go down on me during the night whilst asleep. Whilst telling my current boyfriend this I was slightly upset and and he said he was so very sorry, and that he woudn't do it again.

Anyway, we were having sex the other night and he said something along the lines of, I can put it anywhere and I don't need to ask for permission...or something like that. I think he realised what he said as he then back tracked, like he forgot.

Am I being too quick to finish with him?

You have to be comfortable with it even if it’s” just “ fantasy talking.
It’s your body, you get to say what, when, how and if at all

@madisonbridges

It obviously arouses him to say that. With your past history I think you would find this very challenging to deal with on a regular basis. He would probably never act on it but I don't think, understandably, you have enough trust to believe he wouldn't. I would seriously think of ending the relationship.

Yeah, even if he doesn't end up raping you; he sounds like he has a fetish about lack of consent/power around sex, specifically anal sex.

Id also worry he'll act on it some time.

My ex's ex was married to a guy who watched a lot of porn, and became fixated on anal sex. I think she wasnt interested, he eventually held her down and anally raped her on the hotel while attending a wedding adter they'd both by drinking. She guessed he thought it would be easier with her tipsy/drunk and without their sons at home overhearing any struggle, subsequent argument etc.

Oh and I mean the world to him apparently!

@loveyoutothemoon

Oh and I mean the world to him apparently!

So???

Seriously, I would end it before you sleep with him again.

You don't trust him and he is abusive. End of story. Bye bye.

Thank you, I knew I was right. Not sure why I needed it confirming?

He sounds like an absolute creep to be honest. I'd get rid

And he lugged me around like a doll, knowing that I have chronic conditions/pain.

Ugh. Get rid immediately. How easy will it be to avoid him in future?

@loveyoutothemoon

Thank you, I knew I was right. Not sure why I needed it confirming?

Maybe because he is gaslighting you a bit... acting like it's normal, saying it then pretending he hasn't said it or that he meant something else. You can start to wonder about your own perceptions of things when people do that.

But also, we all of us need confirmation and support at times, especially with serious and personal decisions. You have done a good job here defending your boundaries and protecting yourself, and you know you can trust yourself. Nice work

@loveyoutothemoon

So, this is more than just a fantasy talking?

OP - if you'd been mugged, your b/f knew about it, & said during sex "I can mug you whenever I like, I don't need your permission" - that would be 100% out of line, no?

It's more than just a fantasy because he knows you dislike it, yet he chose to repeat it. He is getting off on your discomfort. He enjoys the notion of nonconsensual sex.

If you hang around, he will take your continued presence as acceptance of his nasty talk.
Dump him immediately. By text - no need to confront him in person, he doesn't deserve it.

Let me get this right... you told him you were uncomfortable, told him your history and you got upset... and he still repeated this crap!

No decent man says stuff which is triggering and upsetting for his partner, no matter how horny or "I'm the moment" he is.

This is only going to get worse. Get rid,

[quote loveyoutothemoon]@madisonbridges yes. I don't trust him. When in the middle of it all I was wondering if he was going to do it.[/quote]
Sexual abuse is not about sex.
It is about power & control.

He knows his unwelcome comments make you nervous. He gets off on it. DUMP HIM.

You've told him he's made you feel uncomfortable and he's continued to make you feel uncomfortable.

You can't trust a man who doesn't respect your boundaries.

@loveyoutothemoon

Oh and I mean the world to him apparently!

Actually his thoughts are not that important, yours are. Whatever he might or might not do doesn't matter. What matters is that, when you are intimate with him, at your most vulnerable, you should always feel safe and secure. And you don't. I can't say whether he's a nice man or not, he may very well be, but your individual past experiences have brought you to this point, and you are not the right fit.

Him saying he can put it anywhere means he thinks he's entitled to sex in any way with you. No one is entitled to sec with anyone. It shows a complete lack of respect for your boundaries and controlling behaviour

Red flags all the way

Jeezo run. At best he values his pleasure over your basic feeling of safety. As worst he is threatening to assault you during sex. He's a creep either way.

@loveyoutothemoon

Oh and I mean the world to him apparently!

Ha! No, you don't. I'm sorry but he doesn't value you in the slightest.

And he lugged me around like a doll, knowing that I have chronic conditions/pain.

Dump him immediately and without ceremony.

Is he a bit thick Op ,because most women I feel would find talking like this a complete turn off

So I've sent him a text stating exactly why we're done. Basically everything that was pointed out here and what I said.

Get this - he doesn't have a fetish, he's in shock, so sorry he's made me feel that way, wants to ring me and if I still feel the same, he'll respect that, he's shaking, didn't expect this...again I'm sorry if I have upset you, as that is never my intention blah blah...

I've replied saying that there's nothing to talk about, we're done.

Time to chuck him in the wheelie bin,with the rest of the unwanted garbage.

Good on you op. There is nothing to discuss.

Well done. Adulting level 100.
Be aware he may try to call you from an unknown number or similar con. Think of him as the snake from the jungle book looking to rehypnotise you and keep him blocked.

Lots of people fantasize about doing things they would not really do or want in real life. But if it makes you uncomfortable and you asked him not to do it, that is not a good sign.

Urghh!

Get rid.