Urgent advice regarding sexual boundaries

[loveyoutothemoon]

My boyfriend a few months ago, during sex, said that he could put it wherever he likes, angling at anal sex. He'd repeated this a few times at each session over a period of weeks. I didn't say anything at the time but decided to say something later. I told him that I knew what he was angling at and that I felt very uncomfortable, that I didn't want to do that, also that my ex did things repeatedly to me without my consent (even after me telling him no on seperate occasions). He would touch me and go down on me during the night whilst asleep. Whilst telling my current boyfriend this I was slightly upset and and he said he was so very sorry, and that he woudn't do it again.

Anyway, we were having sex the other night and he said something along the lines of, I can put it anywhere and I don't need to ask for permission...or something like that. I think he realised what he said as he then back tracked, like he forgot.

Am I being too quick to finish with him?

I just can't believe the force he used (when I said earlier he treated me like a doll) to turn me over onto my front. He grabbed one arm and leg and threw me over onto my front, it didn't hurt but it felt really abusive, I can't explain it. He also kneed me in the ribs by accident (but carelessly) and didn't apologise.

This and the unwanted dirty talk (if that's all it was) about being able to overpower you, makes him seem.very porn sick, aggressive, objectifying/degrading, rough etc.

Sometimes it's ony when they leave and we can sit back and think, we realise 'Wait a minute. That really wasn't on. I'm really not OK with that'. Just because you didn't bring it up at the time, doesn't mean you havent the right to decide it isn't OK with you later on.

Hopefully he has gotnthe message and will be you the feck alone now op.

*and will leave you

@loveyoutothemoon.
above ALL else.You dont trust HIM.
thats all

Good work op.

You do not need this shit in your life.

So glad you have blocked.
Best Christmas present you could give yourself

Forget about this awful man and focus on having a great holiday 🎄

Hugs lots of them you don’t need that crap on your life enjoy Christmas.

So, this is more than just a fantasy talking

Oh lord let's not get into this bullshit again... Finish it OP, creepy af.

I'm really glad you've blocked, he has potential sex offender written allover him.

@Cimone

Allow me as an elder to tell you something most young girls don't realize until it is too late. When a man tells you ANYTHING about taking your body for granted, violating your boundaries, ignoring your NO!, threatening to do whatever he wants to your body or to you no matter what you have said to the contrary, there is no discussion or negotiation to be done.

Once he utters those words you get up, you get your things, you leave, and you block him forever. You do not ever be alone with such a man again. You do not give him the benefits of time with you. You do not share your body with him. You do not allow him to have your ear in conversation or to hear about his feelings on anything for any reason.

You immediately cut ties with someone who is so misogynistic, so controlling, so abusive, so thoughtless, and so disrespectful that he would not only THINK such thoughts but utter them aloud.

This guy is a Class 1 jerk. Dump him unceremoniously and without apology. He is an idiot.

This is so good.

Thank you for posting it.

Took me too long to learn.

Thank you everyone. Initially felt shit when I woke up but glad I got rid.

I saw red flags in other behaviours throughout the relationship but we talked them through each time, and I gave him chances. I'm just so glad that I'm aware of these things as so many people aren't.

I just can't believe that at in my 40s I'm yet to find a man that isn't immature and abusive.

I can cut off or chew off anything I like. I hope you told him that. What an arsehole. Glad u got rid.

My exh was porn sick and abusive. My boundaries were slowly pushed and degraded. I didn't even realize how abusive he'd been until we split up.

He'd say similar things to your ex. He did act on it. It wasn't just talk. He wouldn't recognize rape as something he'd done but he spoke to me in that exact way. He would be coercive, sulk and harangue if he didn't get what he wanted, try and anally penetrate me in the heat if the moment until I froze and said no and he'd make a joke of it. Claim it was a mistake. He said he'd wear a condom then remove it and not tell me, then get angry if I questioned it.

He was in so many ways, not just sexually, pushing and testing my defenses for weakness. He's out there dating again. I have no doubt he'll be no different now aged fifty.

Well done for getting rid.

OP, have you done any work on your boundaries? The Freedom Programme comes highly recommended on here. There are also some great people on instagram for easy to digest bite-sized information.
instagram.com/tara.relationshipcoach?utm_medium=copy_link

Have you had any counselling?

I saw your update about him using force to turn you over. Again, this is completely unacceptable UNLESS it’s something you have explicitly consented to, and even then, if you were playing that way you would agree safe words so that you could stop it the moment you decided you were uncomfortable.

He is an absolute shit and you are completely right to have got rid of him. And never blame yourself. I’m in my 40s too and my partner before the current one was an UTTER knob. It takes a while to show us a man - a lot of these guys are good at reeling us in……

Thank you for the further replies. It's weird, I feel a great sense of relief today and looking forward to Christmas a bit more but feel gutted too, gutted I fell for another shit I supppose but I'll get over it for sure.

Yes I'm having counselling anyway for something else so that's good.

I thought my boundaries were quite good as I always nip things in the bud, but thank you, I'll have a look.

@ConfusedNoMore I'm sorry you went through that. Are you with someone nice now?

When you say you nip things in the bud, I hope you're not referring to this approach below?

I saw red flags in other behaviours throughout the relationship but we talked them through each time, and I gave him chances

Because that's not nipping anything in the bud, that's facilitating someone to trample all over your boundaries.

Nipping it in the bud would have been ending the relationship when you noticed red flag behaviours, not trying to discuss and 'fix' him so he can manipulate you and continue to cause you harm.

Boundaries aren't a negotiation and anybody who needs explanation of why they should respect your boundaries is not someone you should be in a relationship with.

When someone reveals abusive behaviours you end it and walk away. Giving them another chance to do it again is not nipping it in the bud.

When someone reveals abusive behaviours you end it and walk away. Giving them another chance to do it again is not nipping it in the bud.

OP has finished with him and blocked him. That's hard to do. Anyone who's been with a man like this knows how good they are at manipulating you and making you feel sorry for them/bad about yourself/unfair, and when you have feelings for someone, you naturally want to give them a chance. We are not robots running off a script!

This really isn't the time to give OP a stirring lecture about boundaries. She's actually doing great.

OP that sense of relief you've felt tells you everything you need to know. Remember that feeling. If your resolve starts to weaken at any point, come back to this thread and remind yourself just exactly why you made this decision!

Hello OP how are you today? Hugs and very proud of you. Well done hope you got nice things lined up for Christmas.

This really isn't the time to give OP a stirring lecture about boundaries. She's actually doing great.

Says the person jumping on to give me a kicking? Right.

Op was the one talking about the future and what she's working on. I've been supportive on this thread and responded to the op's latest thoughts.

Get off your high horse attacking people so you can feel superior. You're not.

Urghh Filthy pig. Get rid of it. Like so many men it has been watching hard core anal porn and thinks he is entitled to do it himself. Fuck these men.

Wow OP no. He's said he could rape you at any time @loveyoutothemoon . Time to split with him and never be alone with him again. x

@ftw163532

This really isn't the time to give OP a stirring lecture about boundaries. She's actually doing great.

Says the person jumping on to give me a kicking? Right.

Op was the one talking about the future and what she's working on. I've been supportive on this thread and responded to the op's latest thoughts.

Get off your high horse attacking people so you can feel superior. You're not.

I haven't given you a kicking @ftw163532 nor have I attacked you in any way. What a ridiculous thing to say.

Well done for blocking him.

I saw red flags in other behaviours throughout the relationship but we talked them through each time, and I gave him chances

You say you nip things in the bud, but you should do so a lot earlier if you run into a wrong'un again. Like, after the 2nd minor red flag maybe, or after the first one if it's serious.

@ftw163532 I see exactly what you mean. I meant that with each previous issue that I made him aware of my concerns and stated that I wasn't happen with these things carrying on. There were at least 4 things that I had brought up, and each time he said that he understood, would take on board and wanted to learn and grow. Most things were adapted to but one thing I had to remind him of several times.

I do see what you're saying but want to also express that I've finished with a few men in the past when things became apparently weird. With this man I knew right from the start, I had it in the back of my mind that if I couldn't take any more issues, I'd be straight out of there confidently and strongly, which I think I've done quite well.

So although he did take most things on board, I enabled him to manipulate me into thinking he was a lovely person.

@beastlyslumber thank you for that. It is hard yes. They were lovely things about him, things that I never saw in past relationships. Next time (if there is one), I will end at the very first red flag.

I will come back here if I weaken (I know I won't).

@Holothane thank you. I'm swinging from feeling really relieved to bouts of guilt, but I don't know why. The more the day goes on though, the more I feel annoyed and the other issues just seem more highlighted.
I'm going to have a lovely half day xmas day with my kids and then they go to their dad's. I'm kind of looking forward to that quiet time, but I know that I have options for boxing day if I need company.

@me4real I know, still can't believe that!