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Original poster

Urgent advice regarding sexual boundaries

177 replies

loveyoutothemoon · 21/12/2021 16:10

My boyfriend a few months ago, during sex, said that he could put it wherever he likes, angling at anal sex. He'd repeated this a few times at each session over a period of weeks. I didn't say anything at the time but decided to say something later. I told him that I knew what he was angling at and that I felt very uncomfortable, that I didn't want to do that, also that my ex did things repeatedly to me without my consent (even after me telling him no on seperate occasions). He would touch me and go down on me during the night whilst asleep. Whilst telling my current boyfriend this I was slightly upset and and he said he was so very sorry, and that he woudn't do it again.

Anyway, we were having sex the other night and he said something along the lines of, I can put it anywhere and I don't need to ask for permission...or something like that. I think he realised what he said as he then back tracked, like he forgot.

Am I being too quick to finish with him?

OP posts:
Original poster
loveyoutothemoon · 22/12/2021 15:51

@me4real yeah definitely after the first or second.

OP posts:
beastlyslumber · 22/12/2021 16:15

I don't think you'll weaken, either, OP. You seem to have got your shit together pretty admirably! But if you do, the thread is here, and lots of other resouces too. Hope you have a lovely xmas Flowers

Original poster
loveyoutothemoon · 22/12/2021 16:21

Thank you @beastlyslumber.

Another one I've thought of and ignored - he once said that his ex's hated him. When I brought this up at a later date he said that they didn't, and that he doesn't speak to any of them!

OP posts:
Original poster
loveyoutothemoon · 22/12/2021 16:24

I've got to send all his presents back! Angry

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 22/12/2021 16:43

@loveyoutothemoon

I've got to send all his presents back! Angry
Ha. His presents to you? No you haven't. They're gifts.

Proves the kind of guy he is, doesn't it. He's not begging anymore so now he's being a prick.

NeverDropYourMoonCup · 22/12/2021 16:51

@loveyoutothemoon

I've got to send all his presents back! Angry
Haven't you blocked the at-best-would-be rapist yet?

Bet his exes would describe him as something other than would-be.

Original poster
loveyoutothemoon · 22/12/2021 16:56

Noooo! His presents for him.

One of his messages last night was him asking to speak to me to give his take on things!

@NeverDropYourMoonCup would-be???

OP posts:
FFSFFSFFS · 22/12/2021 17:07

Sorry you're going to give him presents?

girlmom21 · 22/12/2021 17:11

@loveyoutothemoon

Noooo! His presents for him.

One of his messages last night was him asking to speak to me to give his take on things!

@NeverDropYourMoonCup would-be???

Oh sorry I misunderstood! You might be able to sell them on if it's easier than returning? The bonus is that at this time of year most companies extend return dates!
Holothane · 22/12/2021 17:32

Don’t you dare send him his presents he can go fuck himself preferably up the arse, he’d like that anyway. No get refunds or just get rid. Now block again. Hugs.

NeverDropYourMoonCup · 22/12/2021 17:42

@loveyoutothemoon

Noooo! His presents for him.

One of his messages last night was him asking to speak to me to give his take on things!

@NeverDropYourMoonCup would-be???

He would be if he could. It's exactly what he was getting turned on about, after all.

I suspect he probably already is one though, hence why his exes hate him/he claims he won't speak to them (they've all blocked him) - their pointing out that he had raped them didn't go down too well and he kept harassing them to discuss the matter so they'd be convinced he hadn't really, he had 'just' forcibly penetrated them without their consent, thrown them around, likely slapped them about and generally hurt them in other words raped them all because they'd 'encouraged' him by consenting to other acts they wanted to do.

beastlyslumber · 22/12/2021 18:06

@loveyoutothemoon

Thank you *@beastlyslumber*.

Another one I've thought of and ignored - he once said that his ex's hated him. When I brought this up at a later date he said that they didn't, and that he doesn't speak to any of them!

I know it's been an upsetting time, but you've definitely had a lucky escape! I guess it's a good reminder of how abusers wear at your boundaries over time. Now you can be one of the crazy exes Xmas Grin

Hope you can get your money back on the presents you've bought him (or re-gift them to someone else?)

Original poster
loveyoutothemoon · 22/12/2021 20:35

I'm sending the presents back for a refund that I got for him. Thing is one of them I'm too late for, and one I'm cuttting it very fine. But yeah I can try selling them.

I agree there's probably some truth in the ex's hating him, they probably thought he was a knob too. His most recent one apparently went travelling (but lived together Confused)!! And his longer term ex wanted kids and he didn't.

OP posts:
ConfusedNoMore · 22/12/2021 20:54

@loveyoutothemoon No, I'm not with anyone. I have had one relationship since which was very special to me and we're still quite close but we can't seem to work out how to make it work. Bit sad but I'm ok. Thanks for asking.

I can deal with exh in a very detached way. He even thinks we're friends Hmm but it's best for our son that we get along enough to communicate.

I think your boundaries sound quite healthy. Keep going in your trajectory. Just bin anything he sends you. Fuck him.

CandidClarisse · 22/12/2021 21:01

OP I think you are brilliant and I admire how you have dealt with this guy! Hope you have a great Christmas.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 22/12/2021 22:26

@loveyoutothemoon

I'm sending the presents back for a refund that I got for him. Thing is one of them I'm too late for, and one I'm cuttting it very fine. But yeah I can try selling them.

I agree there's probably some truth in the ex's hating him, they probably thought he was a knob too. His most recent one apparently went travelling (but lived together Confused)!! And his longer term ex wanted kids and he didn't.

Went travelling - he came back one day to find that she'd disappeared/run for the hills with help from Women's Aid.

Make sure you spend all the refunds on special things for you - a reward for escaping him and his scary shit.

Original poster
loveyoutothemoon · 22/12/2021 22:38

@ConfusedNoMore sorry that you're struggling with your relationship, does he treat you well?

Thank you to all of your comments, they are so appreciated. I'm definitely glad I jumped him and definitely won't go back but I'm feeling gutted tonight. Probably because I'm tired and lying in bed thinking about it. I'll be okay though.

Yes will spend the refunds on myself!

OP posts:
Original poster
loveyoutothemoon · 22/12/2021 22:39

*dumped not jumped!

OP posts:
me4real · 22/12/2021 22:53

Defo don't jump him again OP. x

itsacovidthing · 22/12/2021 23:06

[quote loveyoutothemoon]@ConfusedNoMore sorry that you're struggling with your relationship, does he treat you well?

Thank you to all of your comments, they are so appreciated. I'm definitely glad I jumped him and definitely won't go back but I'm feeling gutted tonight. Probably because I'm tired and lying in bed thinking about it. I'll be okay though.

Yes will spend the refunds on myself![/quote]
The thing is it's really hard when you're in the middle of it to see what a positive thing this is. I get why you're feeling down.

But when you look back. Maybe next week. Maybe next month. Or even next year. You'll realise what a positive step you've made. How brilliant you've been.

Ive read many a thread on here where it's been quite painful with the op not quite realising how much of an arsehole their partner is. You didn't really need us. You knew. We were just here for moral support.

So yes it may feel a bit rubbish for a while. It always is when you've been hurt by someone you trusted. Look after yourself. Have a lovely Christmas free from arseholes.

And remember how brave you've been putting yourself out there. And how smart for recognising this one wasn't for you. I'm in awe of you. So be kind to yourself and remember it will get better Thanks

beastlyslumber · 23/12/2021 09:49

I second everything itsacovidthing says above! Flowers Flowers

billy1966 · 23/12/2021 10:42

Well done OP, he sounds just awful.

Have a good ChristmasFlowers

ConfusedNoMore · 23/12/2021 12:51

Aw you're a kind person @loveyoutothemoon. I've no doubt you will pick better next time. My boyfriend/ex boyfriend treats me kindly in some ways and thoughtlessly in others. No because he's not a nice person but because of his own issues. It's complicated...but I've been working in my boundaries which is why I haven't seen him for some time.

Original poster
loveyoutothemoon · 23/12/2021 13:36

@itsacovidthing thank you. I'm nuch the same today, glad and relieved but gutted it didn't turn out as I hoped. I do already appreciate that it's a positive thing that I've done though. And as time goes on it'll feel easier. And I'm realising that all the issues that I brought up with him were more major than minor and a collection of proof that he was no good for me!

You have a good one too X

@ConfusedNoMore, thank you, what a kind thing to say. Good luck to you, hopefully they are minor things and not deal breakers. X

Thank you @billy1966billy, you too. X

OP posts:
Notwithittoday · 23/12/2021 13:39

Wtf! ? Why does he think he can talk to you like that? Get rid. I’ve had my share of bfs and two husbands and none of them would have behaved like this

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