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Original poster

Urgent advice regarding sexual boundaries

177 replies

loveyoutothemoon · 21/12/2021 16:10

My boyfriend a few months ago, during sex, said that he could put it wherever he likes, angling at anal sex. He'd repeated this a few times at each session over a period of weeks. I didn't say anything at the time but decided to say something later. I told him that I knew what he was angling at and that I felt very uncomfortable, that I didn't want to do that, also that my ex did things repeatedly to me without my consent (even after me telling him no on seperate occasions). He would touch me and go down on me during the night whilst asleep. Whilst telling my current boyfriend this I was slightly upset and and he said he was so very sorry, and that he woudn't do it again.

Anyway, we were having sex the other night and he said something along the lines of, I can put it anywhere and I don't need to ask for permission...or something like that. I think he realised what he said as he then back tracked, like he forgot.

Am I being too quick to finish with him?

OP posts:
Bumpsadaisie · 21/12/2021 17:28

Tell him yeah love - and I can put you where I like - in the dumped category, effective immediately!

Bumpsadaisie · 21/12/2021 17:29

10/10 well done.

Perhaps it will give him something to reflect on prior to his next relationship.

Sparkletastic · 21/12/2021 17:32

I think it's symptomatic of all the grim porn that he probably watches. Well done on dumping him.

MrsSquirrel · 21/12/2021 17:32

Well done OP!

And good that you said there is nothing to talk about. You don't owe him anything.

lastqueenofscotland · 21/12/2021 17:32

Brilliant OP. Well done.

Original poster
loveyoutothemoon · 21/12/2021 17:32

He's brought up the fact that I asked him to tie me up, (he tied my hands together), which is the first time I've done this with him (because I trusted him). He said in his text 'Honestly I'm in shock, that's why I was shocked when you mentioned being tied up'.

Difference is though I asked him to do it because I wanted to.

OP posts:
AngelinaFibres · 21/12/2021 17:36

@loveyoutothemoon

It's like he realised what he'd said and then went.....come on your tits, inside you etc, (he never comes into my vagina, because he doesn't want a pregnancy, even being on the pill). That's what I saw as the back tracking.
Oh so is he looking for an alternative hole on your body that won't result in babies and hoping you will give in if he mentions it enough. Bleurch
Iamanicepersonreally · 21/12/2021 17:39

Run. As far and as fast as possible. You deserve to be treated with respect

FFSFFSFFS · 21/12/2021 17:40

come on your tits is his romantic backtrack?

Repulsive man

Bet he watches a lot of that empowering porn that so many on mumsnet cheer for….

layladomino · 21/12/2021 17:42

So he knows that you were in a sexually abusive relationship in the past, and yet he gets off on threatening you with more sexual abuse?

Yeah, you've done the right thing.

Original poster
loveyoutothemoon · 21/12/2021 17:42

He's now saying that he politely disagrees that we have nothing to talk about. He's horrified, I don't want to upset you, and if I have done that I apologise, but would like a few minutes of your time!

OP posts:
WonderfulYou · 21/12/2021 17:47

You've told him he's made you feel uncomfortable and he's continued to make you feel uncomfortable.

You can't trust a man who doesn't respect your boundaries.

Exactly this!!

We all have fantasies and do things that other people may not do. But if someone says they’re uncomfortable then you stop doing it - it doesn’t matter that it wasn’t physical.

I would reply that you’ve told him it makes you uncomfortable and he kept doing it so you’d rather he left you alone for a bit.

BTW his reply - being in shock, bring up things you wanted him to do etc are textbook answers.

Cottonheadedninymuggins · 21/12/2021 18:16

And still pushing your boundaries by saying you have to talk to him - even though your reasons for not are valid. He just doesn't want you to tell someone in real life that knows him - that's all.

You're well rid!

MMmomDD · 21/12/2021 18:30

If you don’t trust him - nothing can fix it. So - there is no point to even talking.

Generally - I actually think he was just talking, as some people enjoy dirty talk during sex. And that phrase turned him on.
And that he can’t really change.
Since that side of him triggers you - as I said - no point

OscarWildebeest · 21/12/2021 18:33

@loveyoutothemoon

He's now saying that he politely disagrees that we have nothing to talk about. He's horrified, I don't want to upset you, and if I have done that I apologise, but would like a few minutes of your time!
So he respects this boundary about as well as he’s respected any of your other boundaries - not at all. What a wanker.
stalkersaga · 21/12/2021 18:33

You've dumped him. It's over. He doesn't get to try and talk you out of it or rules-lawyer you now. You've said everything there is to say; block him.

EarthSight · 21/12/2021 18:34

@loveyoutothemoon

So, this is more than just a fantasy talking?
Yes I would say so.

He knew you found that kind of talk degrading, threatening and brought back memories of past abuse (correct me if I'm wrong).

At the very least, he knew you didn't like it. Even if you didn't spell out the above, by the very nature of what he was saying, he would know exactly why a woman wouldn't like that, but he did it anyway.

Again - do you think that's something a loving, respectful partner would do?

EarthSight · 21/12/2021 18:37

@loveyoutothemoon

He's now saying that he politely disagrees that we have nothing to talk about. He's horrified, I don't want to upset you, and if I have done that I apologise, but would like a few minutes of your time!
Don't talk to him - I can bet if you do he will find a way to frame you as confused and hysterical, and will try to talk you into being 'reasonable' (meaning you accept whatever narrative he has about this).

He will probably want to reassure himself that he's not the bad guy, and that you won't go bad mouthing him to other people.

Don't give him that reassurance and don't give him the chance to make you feel insecure or even guilty about your decision.

He knew exactly what he was doing and needs to accept there are consequences for such decisions.

Lovelydiscusfish · 21/12/2021 18:41

This sort of talk is fine only if it is consensual. In this case it isn’t. You told him you didn’t like it and he did it again…..

If he just did it the second time by accident (perhaps because he used to say it to a previous partner, who enjoyed it) he should have immediately apologised, not tried to back-track.

And I’m not sure what he thinks the relevance of the light bondage is? Two entirely different scenes, entirely different actions…….

EarthSight · 21/12/2021 18:45

@loveyoutothemoon

He's brought up the fact that I asked him to tie me up, (he tied my hands together), which is the first time I've done this with him (because I trusted him). He said in his text 'Honestly I'm in shock, that's why I was shocked when you mentioned being tied up'.

Difference is though I asked him to do it because I wanted to.

I think he knows that. He was opportunistic and saw this request as a green light to push or break boundries for his sexual gratification.

You sound hurt and betrayed. It's difficult to rebuild trust after something like this and I'm not sure someone with your experience should be attempting to do that with a man who gets off on the concept of not needing permission.

Dery · 21/12/2021 18:45

"So I've sent him a text stating exactly why we're done. Basically everything that was pointed out here and what I said.

Get this - he doesn't have a fetish, he's in shock, so sorry he's made me feel that way, wants to ring me and if I still feel the same, he'll respect that, he's shaking, didn't expect this...again I'm sorry if I have upset you, as that is never my intention blah blah...

I've replied saying that there's nothing to talk about, we're done."

You've done the right thing, OP. And the fact that you asked him to tie you up is irrelevant to the discussion.

Hopefully he will learn from this experience - not to SCARE the woman he claims to love. It reminds me of this observation: men are scared that women will laugh at them; women are scared that men will kill them.

Your ex really needs to understand that the balance of physical power between men and women means that what might seem meaningless or even amusing to him can generate terror in a woman, especially one who has already had experience of being sexually abused. Men can physically dominate unwilling women in ways that women simply cannot do to men. It would be really good if more men understood this better; they might be less careless in their behaviour and attitudes.

JSL52 · 21/12/2021 18:45

@loveyoutothemoon

So, this is more than just a fantasy talking?
Yes and it's made you on edge so you won't be able to relax.
itsacovidthing · 21/12/2021 18:50

@loveyoutothemoon

He's now saying that he politely disagrees that we have nothing to talk about. He's horrified, I don't want to upset you, and if I have done that I apologise, but would like a few minutes of your time!

The problem is he's showing you now what he thinks of your boundaries.

You've said no. It's over.

He disagrees

He doesn't get to choose what you want. Only you do.

Take care Thanks

girlmom21 · 21/12/2021 18:51

@loveyoutothemoon

He's now saying that he politely disagrees that we have nothing to talk about. He's horrified, I don't want to upset you, and if I have done that I apologise, but would like a few minutes of your time!
You gave him a few minutes of your time the first time when he said he wouldn't do it again...
beastlyslumber · 21/12/2021 18:57

@loveyoutothemoon

He's now saying that he politely disagrees that we have nothing to talk about. He's horrified, I don't want to upset you, and if I have done that I apologise, but would like a few minutes of your time!
Look at him, stepping all over your boundaries AGAIN. You told him clearly, but he's still pushing and pushing... Just block him OP.